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Wouldn't it be funny if Sulu DID have a muscled body like The Hulk and went shirtless all the time?

I love George Takei so much I can hardly stand it. His voice. His swooning over Lou Ferrigno. He’s the best.

When he’s fired from “The Celebrity Apprentice” Season 5 — and I seriously doubt he’ll win, although I’d be thrilled — I may have to stop watching. I still don’t know who a lot of these “celebrities” are and, as usual, the loudest people in the room are already getting the most attention.

On the guys’ side, Team Unanimous, comedians and former “Dancing With the Stars” losers Penn Jillette and Adam Carolla can’t stop joking long enough to be taken seriously. I’m always a fan of the quieter stars, so that’s probably why I’m rooting for “meek” Mr. Takei. I haven’t picked another favorite on the men’s side yet, but dark horses always emerge. (By the way, congrats to Paul Teutul, Sr. for being the winning project manager, earning almost $500,000 for the Make-A-Wish Foundation.)

On the women’s side, I’m loving Patricia Velasquez and I think it says so much that her Team Forte lost the first challenge of the season and yet no one thought she should’ve gone home. She is classy, smart, thoughtful and everything good. I had never heard of her before tonight’s premiere but I’m impressed with what I’ve seen so far. People stop jabbering and actually listen when she speaks — which is huge since the women always talk over each other and the biggest interrupter in Apprentice history is always “Mr. Trump” himself. Guy never shuts up.

I don't know what's up with this photo, but I'm very impressed with Patricia.

I like Chery Tiegs but she’s lucky to be escaping before the ugly drama starts. I would’ve fired Victoria Gotti — she did seem to spend a lot of time on that phone talking about non-Apprentice things — but no one really pushed for it. They are all on their best behavior at this point, like roommates walking on eggshells around each other in the first week at college. This will end.

Before the season started I knew I would be Team Sulu but I’m so impressed with Patricia  that I hope she goes all the way. I think she has the stuff to be a good, respectable winner.


Catch up on my old “Celebrity Apprentice” stories in this “meek” and rather limited archive.

Is there a rabbit under that hat?

When Donald Trump said “I’m going to do something a little different tonight,” I expected him to say “The winner of The Celebrity Apprentice 2011 is John Rich … AND Marlee Matlin.”

I thought he’d pick both. What was different about just picking one of them?

*UPDATE* Thanks to the person who commented below for this explanation: “Regarding your question above, the difference was he chose not to fire the runner up, which he does in every season. He simply stated the winner. By contract with NBC he still has to choose a single winner.” *END UPDATE*

Of the two, he definitely picked the best. John was a strong leader throughout the competition, whereas Marlee occasionally deferred to others and just tried to keep her head down around all the drama on the women’s team.

John and Marlee both raised more than $1 million for their charities. He worked for St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital (a cause dear to the Trump family’s heart) and she for The Starkey Hearing Foundation.

It was cute seeing that kid say "mama" for the first time, when he was wearing a hearing aid.

Since both John and Marlee are nice and professional and actually respect each other — unlike, say, Joan Rivers and Annie Duke — it was a surprisingly kind and gentle finale, with Marlee only getting irritated when John dared to bring in about $250,000 during the 7-Up challenge to put himself over the $1 million mark. They even sang a song together “For the Kids.”

Marlee had a smooth 1970s retro 7-Up challenge featuring the Harlem Globetrotters. But it sounded like she wasn’t as organized at first, and both La Toya Jackson and Richard Hatch were initially waiting for her to delegate tasks. Her team’s 7-Up can wasn’t as dynamic as John’s team, and their commercial was cool but not as funny as John’s Twisted Sister spoof.

John Rich, on the other hand, seemed very organized with this 1980s Def Leppard task, except he didn’t welcome Trump and the 7-Up executives and he introduced Def Leppard 20 minutes before they were actually intending to perform. (*Ooops*) It was an awkward mistake, but he covered well by performing himself. John and Lil Jon (The Jonz!) were such an adorable team and a majority of the “Celebrity Apprentice” cast picked John Rich to win over Marlee.

The only real drama of the night was when Star Jones called out NeNe Leakes for going after all the black women on the show. She brought race into it, which just opened the wounds between the two of them.

Gary Busey also tried to explain his kite plan again, revealing that Omaha Steaks actually went with his kite idea and somehow added a tiny kite into their product. I still don’t get it, but there it is.

All told, I think it was a satisfying and positive ending for a strange and extremely dramatic season.

Congrats, Hot John!

Two out of three ain't bad.

After “The Celebrity Apprentice,” Meat Loaf needs to go on “The Bachelor.” He knows how to sob at the drop of a hat. He knows how to wear his heart on his sleeve. He’s ripe for the most dramatic rose ceremony ever.

I got your number, hussy.

NeNe Leakes is a quitter and a loser and she should be ashamed of herself for so many reasons, but mostly for giving up on her charity.

She should’ve been fired last week for having a tantrum in front of the client — never mind losing another challenge as project manager — but “Mr. Trump” has been making drama-related decisions since Week 1, so it’s no shock that he kept her. But now Star Jones gets to win their feud.

But not win the whole thing. No. Star just got fired. It was the wrong time to fire her — that time was a while ago —  but better late than never, I guess. Honestly, as much as I love her, it should’ve been Marlee Matlin who got fired.

The winner of this whole thing is either going to be John Rich or Marlee Matlin. 

John Rich has been impressing me for a while now and after he volunteered to match Meat Loaf’s money for The Painted Turtle, I melted. I didn’t cry like Meat did, but I melted.

Thankfully, Meat’s team did win the comedy challenge so John didn’t have to pay up.

The extended episode got out of control thanks to NeNe and Meat, but things have been crazy since Hope was fired and La Toya Jackson was brought back.

At the start of the ep, Trump re-shuffled the deck and moved NeNe from the women’s team to the men’s team. He did it because Star didn’t feel like she could work with NeNe. NeNe decided since Trump did what Star wanted, she couldn’t be on the show anymore. She quit. Good riddance.

Marlee, you showed zero leadership on a losing challenge. How did you completely escape blame?

Meat Loaf was moved to the women’s team, where he almost immediately began sobbing at the idea of raising money for his charity but only getting the money if they win. You know, like every other challenge on every season of “The Apprentice.”

In a rare good decision, Trump said Meat couldn’t just keep the money, win or lose. The show is about raising money for charity, but it’s even more about winning. (And it’s even more about drama, so Meat should’ve promised a huge fight if he got the dough. It would’ve been a fair promise, since he did have a fighter later on!)

At the end of the first part of the extended ep, La Toya was fired all over again. She’s the first person to be brought back and the first one to be fired twice. The point of her return still escapes me.

The second part of the episode was a rematch between the two heavyweights — John vs. Marlee. They were their teams’ project managers for the OnStar challenge.

John and Lil Jon are adorable and should have their own spinoff show. I heart them. But Trump clearly hearts Meat Loaf and he complimented Meat several times. (I’m surprised that didn’t push him into tears again.) Meat and Star seemed to clash during the task and Marlee took a backseat, which was probably a bad idea, even if it didn’t hurt her.

Even though The Jonz made an OnStar commercial featuring a woman who did NOT wear her seatbelt — a major faux pas for a safety company — they still won the challenge. Hot John won even more money for St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital. And Hot John is even in another OnStar commercial that just aired during the show. Nice.

The women + Meat Loaf made a commercial focused on the stereotype of cops loving doughnuts. Police officers don’t like that stereotype much and the executives didn’t like it either. (For the record, I love doughnuts and I’m not ashamed to admit it.)

The boardroom started as Marlee and Star vs. Meat and turned into Star vs. Meat. Poor Meat was ganged up on. Honestly, he probably should’ve been fired earlier in the night when he burst into tears and had to be talked down off the ledge.

Star and Meat fought over getting a particular “OnStar” shot in the commercial. Meat called her “sweetie” and Star got upset about it, as a professional woman in the middle of an argument. (Fair enough, actually, in that context.) Star was in charge of branding and Meat was in charge of the filming process. Funny how the fight was between these two and not Marlee, who was the project manager. Shouldn’t she be blamed since she was in charge of this mess?

I never thought I'd feel sorry for Star Jones, but this was the wrong time to fire her.

Star said you have to come with her credentials to have a debate with her. “Enough,” she said to Meat, trying to cut him off. Meat did not like that one bit: “How dare you cut me off, young woman!” Hee hee.

I love that whenever anyone fights, Marlee’s interpreter furiously interprets every word.

Back in the boardroom, the whole thing turned into a “sweetie” debate, which ticked Trump off, since he’s so anti-PC. Then things turned against Star, which is bizarre since there have been so many opportunities to fire Star and they picked the most random one. It should’ve been Marlee first or Meat Loaf second.

But the final four are John, Lil Jon, Marlee and Meat Loaf. I’m surprised to see Meat “Anger Management MY ASS” Loaf still there. And Marlee really dodged a bullet this week. John Rich will win. He has to.

Catch up on my “Celebrity Apprentice” stories in this nifty archive.

Everyone vs. La Toya! She's got your number, hussy.

Coming up: NeNe Leakes vs. Star Jones. Anyone else just rooting for the “vs”?

Out of curiosity, has NeNe ever met NeNe? She doesn’t get along with anyone, not for more than a few minutes.

Poor La Toya Jackson did not deserve to be fired. Donald Trump made another bad call in thinking that the women’s team would be stronger without La Toya — rather than firing the project manager, Star Jones. La Toya and NeNe both called Star “evil,” which may be pushing it, but she should’ve taken responsibility for her actions.

At the start of “The Celebrity Apprentice” Episode 8: “Bitter Suites,” NeNe was still upset at poor La Toya for telling Trump she would keep in touch will all of the ladies after the show — except for NeNe.

NeNe insisted she’s not a negative person (weirdly enough, Star agreed) and she can’t imagine what she did to La Toya to deserve that. Clearly she’s already forgotten the Australian Gold challenge when, in a koala suit, she told Trump’s son that La Toya was doing a crap job as project manager. La Toya ended up winning the task, despite NeNe’s negativity. But then NeNe refused to apologize to La Toya in the boardroom or admit to Trump that she did a good job.

Dang, NeNe is tall.

But since La Toya was honest in her answer to Trump’s question about which ladies she would keep in touch with, NeNe flipped out in front of the other ladies of A.S.A.P.

As NeNe so memorably put it: “It’s very difficult for somebody like me to work with fake women. I’m very real.” And yet she was mad that La Toya was real to Trump. Only NeNe is allowed to be real.

La Toya dealt with it very well, bringing up how the ladies keep rolling their eyes about her behind her back (TRUE). She complimented NeNe and hugged her. Very well played. La Toya and NeNe are now acting like besties.

This week, the teams had to create a four-page advertising campaign for the Trump Hotel Collection. So now we can add shameless self-promotion to shameless nepotism.

Star Jones asked to be the project manager for the women. John Rich kind of became the project manager for the men by default. Star has stayed at several of Trump’s hotels. John has not.

Does John ever take off the hat?

Star delegated different photo shoots to the other four ladies and La Toya felt like Star was positioning herself to avoid blame. (La Toya is extremely paranoid, but she’s occasionally right to be.) NeNe also felt Star was using some strategy.

Star felt like La Toya was pretty useless. Poor La Toya is getting the Lisa Rinna treatment when she’s clearly more competent in projects and handles personalty conflicts better than anyone else on her team.

At one point during Hope’s bathtub photo shoot, Star tried to (micro?)manage and she got into it with NeNe. Definitely a taste of things to come.

John seemed to struggle with the Backbone concept, but he, Meat Loaf and Lil Jon get along and work well together. However, Meat somehow slid into the role of Gary Busey 2.0. John said Meat Loaf is like a riddle wrapped in an enigma. Just when you think it’s safe to go back in the rainbow…

La Toya thought the women’s concept had been seen before. Nothing new. The men focused a lot of time on proofreading. They don’t have spell-check?

The guys had a fun presentation that included some clever Trump ass-kissing. Is that the food guy from “Top Chef”? James Oseland? I missed the names. I recognize him. The women shouted out a bunch of individual words like “extravagance” and “luxury.” I’m with La Toya: “Corny!” By the way, I like her voice when it’s raspy like this.

The food guy really ripped apart the women’s brochure as something you’d see on a flyer for a strip club. Plus, Hope was wearing a towel in the bathtub and her champagne bottle was still corked. However, the men STILL had misspellings in their brochure and they didn’t have a lot of meat inside it. No phone number or website at all? Wow. It doesn’t sound like the two hotel guys were very impressed with either team. Food guy called it “more of a car wreck than an ad campaign.”

There was no real “winner,” so it came down to a lesser of two evils. Fire everyone! Then stop making yourselves the clients!

In the boardroom, La Toya said everyone worked well together. Hope said Star did an amazing job and Star is the most impressive member of the team. NeNe said the strongest member of the team is Marlee. (TRUE)

Trump felt NeNe was holding back her true feelings, so she really let loose. She talked about the negativity they went through with the “phoniness.” Then, for no good reason at all, she said a couple of the women were crawling up Star’s ass. Trump decided to add that that’s easier now that Star has lost a lot of weight.

(Classy. This is the boss? Does he have any new comments about Lisa Rinna’s lips?)

NeNe singled out Hope and Marlee as crawling up Star’s ass. There is no way in hell I would “hire” someone as consistently negative as NeNe.

Both teams sucked but the women’s list of bad things was called a “Greek tragedy.” Their brochure was a cluttered eyesore. Even though the men didn’t even include a website or phone number, the men still won over the women. That’s bad.

So, as the “winning” project manager, John Rich got $20,000 for St. Jude’s. Didn’t Donald Trump just get into a kerfuffle with Jerry Seinfeld because Seinfeld backed out of Trump’s St. Jude’s fund-raiser? Is that a hint that John Rich wins this puppy? Not that we needed more hints that he makes the finals. That’s a given.

The women lost and Star was the project manager but she said she should “definitely not” be fired. So she’s not going to follow the Niki Taylor/Mark McGrath path.

Star is a control freak and she controlled a train wreck campaign. She was the project manager. It's obvious that she should be fired.

NeNe couldn’t answer Trump’s direct question of whom he should fire. He should’ve fired her right there for that.

La Toya said to fire Star. Marlee threw a curve ball and said Trump should fire La Toya, not based on this task but because collectively La Toya is the weakest. (By that rationale, Gary should’ve been fired weeks and weeks ago.) Trump’s son VERY WISELY said that Hope was just as weak as La Toya in projects.

However — and no one brought this up — La Toya and Hope have both won past projects for the team. So has Star. So has Marlee. NeNe has not.

Star chose NeNe and La Toya to bring back into the boardroom. Once again, Trump proved he’s out of it by saying he’s surprised — because he thinks NeNe has been doing a good job so far. Really?

Star said she picked NeNe basically so she had some backup when it came to piling on poor La Toya.

La Toya is not that weak. Her voice is weak this week, but she has been called the best of her team several times. She is the strongest of the three in the boardroom. She’s actually a better hire than Trump himself, who can’t stop interrupting people.

Star actually brought up the La Toya/NeNe fight in her own defense, which is odd. La Toya should’ve brought up Star’s overbearing attitude before getting into the boardroom, but it’s a fair point that someone as strong as Star should be held responsible for her team’s actions.

NeNe should’ve told Trump to fire Star. It’s true that Star is a bigger long-term threat than La Toya. It’s in NeNe’s interests to be the strongest person on her team as they approach the finale.

Trump fired La Toya and I’m thinking it was just because Star and NeNe are so good for drama, as we’ll see next week…


Catch up on my “Celebrity Apprentice” recaps here.

Here’s the cast, in order of my preference:

* John Rich
* Lil Jon
* Marlee Malin
* Meat Loaf
* Hope Dworaczyk
* NeNe Leakes
* Star Jones
* David Cassidy — ELIMINATED 1ST
* Lisa Rinna — ELIMINATED 2ND
* Niki Taylor — ELIMINATED 3RD
* Dionne Warwick — ELIMINATED 4TH
* Richard Hatch — ELIMINATED 6TH
* Mark McGrath — ELIMINATED 7TH
* Gary Busey — ELIMINATED 8TH
* La Toya Jackson — ELIMINATED 9TH

Can we put Gary and NeNe on a team together? Or another reality TV show?

Working with Gary Busey is like walking to school uphill both ways through the snow with your crazy grandpa on your back.

Even if the women of “The Celebrity Apprentice” did a better job on the Omaha Steaks challenge — and it would be hard not to — they didn’t have to do it with their crazy grandpa on their backs and therefore it’s a less impressive victory.

This week, both teams won. The women won the actual project but the men won because they finally got rid of Crazy Grandpa Gary.

On Episode 7, “Raising The Steaks,” the celebrities had to write, produce and star in a 20-minute live cooking demonstration for Omaha Steaks.

She speaks! For the first time!

Gary was named the Backbone project manager because he had something to prove — his sanity. Hope Dworaczyk — who could’ve watched the show from home up to this point — was the only woman on A.S.A.P. who had not been project manager so she ended up taking on the task of leader/babysitter.

The only way for Gary’s emotionally exhausted team to win would’ve been if, once again, they succeeded despite Gary. The men of Backbone just happen to be competent and it looked like they were close to pulling it off. As much as the men had Gary babbling about kites, Meat Loaf’s presentation was still more engaging than the nauseatingly fake to-do by the women.

However, the Omaha Steaks people liked the women’s presentation much more. Hope won. But, really, the men won because Trump had to finally stop inventing new ways to save Gary. He had no choice. He made a meal out of firing Gary — going on about how there’s something so nice about Gary and he’s refreshing, blah blah blah — but he had absolutely no other legitimate choice.

Gary got fired. But don’t you worry about him, he’s flying over a rainbow right now.

Gary Busey is a hoot to me,” NeNe “Schadenfreude” Leakes said at the start of the episode. “He is torturing the guys and I love it.” Meanwhile, NeNe is a hoot mostly to herself. Even non-entity Hope said NeNe “frustrates the hell out of me.”

John Rich said Gary is either crazy or a saboteur. He’s decided it’s the latter, which is generous. And possibly correct, since the only logical reason for “Mr. Trump” to keep Gary around this long is because they planned everything for dramatic effect.

As Gary put it: “I’m very subtle and mysterious in my working with the team. They’re unaware of the focus I have because I don’t show them I have focus. And that’s part of my art. That’s part of my mystery.”

Is this “The Celebrity Apprentice” or “The Celebrity Survivor”? ‘Cause on this show, part of the point is supposed to be working together. Or so I thought.

If you dont want to be seen as negative, stop being negative.

But without Gary, the men’s team is much too rational — as opposed to the women’s team, which is chock full of nuts.

When Hope heard the project would involve cooking and meat, she told the camera she doesn’t cook and doesn’t eat red meat. Which makes her a L-I-A-R since Trump asked if she ate steak and she said she’s from Texas, yes she eats steak.

Gary made Meat Loaf the chef, a decision which seemed to be based on his stage name alone. Meat can’t cook meat. Meanwhile, Star Jones took over for the women, announcing what everyone should do.

For their presentation, the men wanted to do something involving a dad. Gary wanted it to involve a kite. As in, “It’d be great to bring your dad a kite.” What that has to do with Omaha Steaks is beyond John, Meat and Lil Jon. Since this is for charity, the men didn’t plan to pull a Lisa Rinna and go out of their way to make the project manager fail. However, they were not going to babysit Gary and he never gave them a timeline or anything. “Step up and do your job,” John said. Lil Jon added, “He’s lost already.” (But at least Jon got to do some fun arts and crafts, right?)

Gary wanted Omaha Steaks to produce specially seasoned “flavored” steaks to send anywhere in the world. As John assessed the situation: “We have been locked in a room with a mad man.”

Meat couldn’t get through to Gary, but said it wasn’t Gary’s fault. “He drifts.” (I love that!) The men openly laughed at Gary. Which I thought meant Gary was going to do well. This show just loves Gary to death.

When Ivanka showed up, Meat and Lil Jon laughed about Gary, but it’s the laughter of people who’ve thrown up their hands and given up. John Rich, on the other hand, was worried that Gary was setting people up to throw under whatever he could find in the boardroom. He knows Trump adores him and will probably go along with whatever “Genius” Gary says.

The women planned to have something to do with poker for their kit, which Marlee thought was very different for the women and something more akin to what the men would’ve come up with.

La Toya was in charge of cooking and felt paranoid when Hope asked her to change the menu from a steak to a burger. She felt the women were trying to sabotage her. But, really, it wasn’t an outlandish request. She needs to pick her battles. However, NeNe needs to get off her case, assuming La Toya will complain to Trump in her 12-year-old voice. And not everyone cooks hamburgers, NeNe. If we brought out all the things NeNe can’t do, the challenges would go on and on. Now that I’ve asked, what has NeNe done on the show so far? She was a failed project manager but it just so happened that Dionne Warwick was around to take the blame.

And I wish La Toya would “do the Michael Jackson” on NeNe. Setting NeNe on fire would be very therapeutic for her (and amusing for me). 

Star said she created the brand messaging, the menus and some aprons. She feels like people are always asking her, “Star, what is….?” even though she’s not the project manager. She doesn’t seem to see the connection with her muscling in and her being asked about what she’s just muscled in to do.

But, as NeNe sees it, Star barely does anything. All she does is graphics on every challenge. NeNe was ticked to be sent on errands with Marlee. Even Marlee was upset when Hope called with a change of plans, although it didn’t seem as dramatic as all the issues the men were having with Gary.

At some point when the cameras weren’t on, Gary called John “boy.” But since it was said off-camera there’s a good chance Gary will deny it — since he has already denied things we already saw on camera.

I’m on Team John Rich with this one. Is there any other team playing? Besides, John Rich is hot. I’m just noticing.

Gary apologized on camera for the “boy” comment, but John did not accept the apology. He would’ve accepted it when it happened, but not the next day after it was pointed out to him. Fair?

Will John Rich win ... or will Marlee Matlin win?

The women had a pretty good presentation if by pretty good we mean ridiculously fake but seamless. NeNe cooked whereas most of the women didn’t cook. But she didn’t say “Omaha Steaks.”

The men had a more engaging presentation, as they usually do. Meat Loaf did a good job and even the Omaha Steaks guy said he really knew how to cook a steak. Gary talked about the anniversary meal and he made the audience repeat “Omaha Steaks,” which was a good touch. They were actually a decent team when it was showtime. The Father’s Day thing was cute but the kite idea still makes no sense.

Lil Jon and John Rich didn’t engaged in the presentation and the Omaha Steaks guys didn’t understand why not.

Gary told Trump he was a good project manager. Meat Loaf did the usual “You have to understand I like Gary…” intro before bashing him. Meat thought it was a lot to take on for Meat to have to do all the cooking.

John said of Gary’s time as PM: “It was a catastrophic collapse of time management.”

They never rehearsed their presentation at all. Even if they win the challenge, they feel that Gary will hurt them going forward. Meat Loaf is so frustrated, he’s having trouble speaking in the boardroom.

They spelled “absolutely” wrong on the cover of their menu, among other mistakes.

Hope is 26 and therefore younger than everyone on her team. Hope said the women were all wonderful. She had no weak link, she said. NeNe was almost nice to Hope, saying she was great. She then changed it to good, because she can’t help herself. Marlee said Hope was “spectacular.”

NeNe thought she was the nicest one in the group, which is a laugh. The women won, which was inevitable. NeNe was ticked at being perceived as negative. Watch what you say if you don’t want that label.

In the boardroom, Meat Loaf was stammering in frustration again. Why are they even talking? This is a slam-dunk decision. Trump gave Gary a second chance last week after he offended the clients (he should’ve been fired on the spot) and this week with Gary as the project manager, no one else can go home.

And what the hell is ka-boy? You had to know Gary was going to try to deny the “boy” label, but what is ka-boy or cah-boy or c’boy or c-boy or whatever that was? Something about the Dallas Cowboys?

Once again Trump gushed over Gary, but he had to get rid of him. Next week, it sounds like the drama shifts back to the women, who are fighting again.


Here’s the cast, in order of my preference. Now that Mark is gone, I have a new frontrunner:

* John Rich
* Lil Jon
* Marlee Malin
* Meat Loaf
* La Toya Jackson
* Hope Dworaczyk
* Star Jones
* NeNe Leakes
* David Cassidy — ELIMINATED 1ST
* Lisa Rinna — ELIMINATED 2ND
* Niki Taylor — ELIMINATED 3RD
* Dionne Warwick — ELIMINATED 4TH
* Richard Hatch — ELIMINATED 6TH
* Mark McGrath — ELIMINATED 7TH
* Gary Busey — ELIMINATED 8TH

Read my “Celebrity Apprentice” recaps here.

La Toya pulled out a win, because lame Australians don't appreciate pirates. Koalas are cute, but boring. Have you ever met a koala? All they do is sleep.

And now for the #1 Gary Busey assessment of the week:

Meat Loaf: “We have to give him tasks to keep him away from the task.”

Never let Gary use the word "sexual" around anyone, never mind a client.


Gary is the pirate that plunders from his own team. He embarrasses everyone. He needs to be babysat. He should team up with Phillip from “Survivor: Redemption Island” for a separate reality show infiltrating Forture 500 companies to drive corrupt CEOs crazy enough that they quit and agree to give up their giant bonuses.

On “Celebrity Apprentice” Episode 6, “Australian Gold,” the two teams had to use a 10-foot glass box to create a marketing event for Australian Gold sun care products. So, yeah, they had to “think inside the box.” Har har!

La Toya Jackson volunteered to be project manager. I thought she was the only woman left who had not done the job, but that’s just because I always forget about Hope Dworaczyk. Trump thought she was appropriate for sun care products, which is weird.

But enough about her. It was finally my boy Mark McGrath’s turn to shine. Or so I thought. Trump said he had been quiet up till this point, which I think is bull. Just because Trump is too busy kissing Busey’s booty to notice anyone else doesn’t mean Mark hasn’t been busy — keeping Meat Loaf from killing Gary, for one thing. I started the season believing Mark would win but now I’m thinking it will come down to John Rich vs. Marlee Matlin.

Anyway, the women have won the fund-raising challenges to this point, but the men have always won the creative challenges.

Why would she even bother getting this nasty AFTER they win the challenge? And she wouldn't apologize to La Toya in front of Trump? Dumb.

In NeNe Leakes’s ever-unkind assessment of her own team, “If we win, that means the guys sucked.” Apparently the guys sucked. Which sucks for me, because Mark was awesome. I loved their set-up. Who gives a frack about the stupid koala? Pirates rule.

Besides, NeNe should go home. “Go in the bathroom and hide” is not a nice thing to say to anyone. Neither is “Disappear, ghost.” Then there’s “The only reason you got this one is ’cause of your last name.” Or how about “You are very old and you need to play your age and not 12.” NeNe is a big bully. I agree with La Toya: “All she is, is mouth. And height.”

And this was after they won the challenge. You’d almost think they’d celebrate, but these women hate each other so much they are just determined to fight, no matter the outcome.

During the task, Mark made one of those Niki Taylor speeches where he said, if they lost, he offered himself up to be fired. Bad move, since it was pretty clear that Gary was the weak link on the team, not Mark. True, the pirate thing was his call and not using koalas turned out to be a bad call, but their exhibit was extremely popular and memorable and he was a good manager.

Gary won a challenge a few weeks ago because his team did all the work. This time, Gary sabotaged his team by harassing the executives and promoting himself as a potential spokesman.

Gary denied making a “sexual” statement to one of the executives, even though we saw him say it. He went too far with them and all Trump has to do is play back the footage to see. But Trump loves to defend Gary. He believes the guys “ganged up” on Gary. Gary believes they ganged up on him because he’s the strongest player.

Trump fired my boy Mark and that was his stupidest call yet — even stupider than wasting time discussing Lisa Rinna’s lip reduction and his own hated for tattoos. Gary should’ve walked the plank.

Is Gary Trump’s long-lost brother or something? What is the deal?

*** Stream of consciousness recap ***

During the initial project brainstorming session, John Rich offered to bring in some hot chicks covered in gold with some treasure. He comes up with the idea of finding lost treasure. Pirate stuff. It’s a fun idea. And one of the client reps even uses the word “treasure” to describe treasuring moments. Later, John says he isn’t sure about the pirates idea, but Mark and Meat Loaf are into it.

I was so sure you'd win, man.

Mark says you can never have enough hot chicks. The idea is very Goldfinger. Gary instinctively knows this is wrong, he tells the camera, because you never see pirates putting on sunscreen in movies. Captain Jack Sparrow never lathers up. So … burn, Team Backbone! Or not. I’m going with not. It’s not the strongest argument.

Mark says his vision is to have plants on the outside of the box, making it look like they’ve been shipwrecked. The pirate thing seems to give everyone pause. Why? It’s a cool idea.

Gary, of course, also brings up something sexual during a marketing meeting. The guys treat him like the embarrassing uncle you simply can’t introduce to company. Lil Jon is upset because part of his job is to babysit Gary. But he takes Gary to the prop store, which is a good spot for Gary. Just let him play … then leave him there.

Unfortunately, Gary and Lil Jon have to sit outside a truck for an hour waiting for props to arrive. So Gary starts singing and doing his “Gary sh-t.” Never a good idea. It’s Jon’s kryptonite.

Meanwhile, on Team A.S.A.P., La Toya was not giving direction or coming up with ideas. Remember, this team is packed with vultures. The second they smell weakness, they attack. However, her idea also included everything gold. Palm trees, island stuff and everything gold. NeNe Leakes said she didn’t understand their concept and thought it might not be creative enough. She thought La Toya was all over the place.

Hope actually had a job this week! She was in charge of the budget and the shopping. She volunteered to be one of the models — since that’s her job in real life, which I don’t think we’ve even heard about up till now — but La Toya said they would just use other models. Bad idea. Hope hasn’t done much and this would keep her busy, show off her best assets and maybe earn some loyalty from her should they get to the boardroom.

Star Jones was also confused and wanted to know where money for the printed budget was going to come from. Star thinks La Toya has no concept of money. La Toya thinks they are pulling a Lisa Rinna and just trying to sabotage her. Both options are entirely possible at this point.

The girls don’t seem to have faith in La Toya. Her communication skills aren’t that strong, but her outfit is pretty cool. She wings it with the production design crew.

La Toya has class. NeNe doesn't. End of story.

The girls have a koala as their mascot. Marlee said that’s what the clients wanted. Lil Jon seemed to think the opposite; while at the props store he avoided koalas because he said you have to be careful with a company’s branding. If they already have a brand you can’t add a new one or change it. Did the clients say something to the women that they didn’t say to the men? Did I miss it? Gary distracts me. If I missed it, I blame him.

Mark is a good ass-kisser. That seems to be his #1 skill and on a show like this — with all the egos from “Mr. Trump” on downward — that’s a huge skill. He kisses John’s ass. He kisses Ivanka’s ass. Ivanka seems to think Meat Loaf is in charge of the creative aspect, which is not what we’ve seen to this point. Ivanka seems to like the men’s pirate chanting theme. When anyone asks Mark what the plan is, he is ready with an answer. He’s a good leader and he has a good team, except for Gary.

Meanwhile, La Toya is not only a wishy-washy leader, she has a weak group, except for Marlee. Ivanka asked La Toya if they were being original enough with their concept. So it put the idea in La Toya’s head. She may rally now. Except … she now asks NeNe, Hope and Marlee for 125 bags of sand. Maybe she meant 125 pounds instead of something like 6,000 pounds.

The morning of the event, La Toya added a winter element to the summer theme. People wear sunscreen when skiing and such. Hope was pissed because she wanted to know this the day before. They wasted a lot of time. But La Toya said she was determined to win because the girls were determined to see her fail.

La Toya is a good salesperson, but immediately the women sold each other out. La Toya complained to Trump’s son. NeNe The Koala complained to Don Jr. She’s like a little kid tattle-tale. She loves to set people up to fail. But Trump Jr. said they did well with brand awareness.

On the men’s side, John and Mark looked hot as pirates. Lil Jon said they had a memorable set up with the guys dressed up, some hot women running around and a 3-foot pirate. Trump Jr. said the guys came up with something original. But he’s not sure it had the message that the executives were looking for.

The clients showed up and they liked the women’s brand integration and brand messaging. The guys stayed in character when talking to the clients. Gary grabbed one of the executives by the arm and dragged them away from Meat Loaf. This is the kind of thing that bugs Meat Loaf because it speaks to his “entitlement.” Mark was worried because Gary is the only thing that can go wrong with their exhibit. He wouldn’t let the executives move. Why did the other men let him talk to them so long? Mark tried to pull the execs to see the rest of the exhibit, but Gary pushed him away. By the way, Gary looks like Waldo the Village Idiot in that red-and-white-striped shirt.

The clients said the men created the most buzz. But they didn’t utilize Surfing Sydney the koala bear and they didn’t utilize the “Live the Gold Life” theme. The women did do better for branding, but they didn’t utilize their team very well.

So Surfing Sydney is an issue.

In the boardroom, La Toya said she thought they did well. NeNe thought they did okay. She said NeNe was just okay as a project manager. She didn’t think they had a concept. It’s now NeNe vs. La Toya. I’m on Team La Toya with this. NeNe immediately sells out La Toya in front of Trump. The execs thought La Toya did well, but NeNe counters that the team probably doesn’t agree. Marlee sweet-talks and says La Toya has a different management style than she’s accustomed to. Now it’s Marlee vs. La Toya. La Toya is very poised in the boardroom. Trump wants to know why Playmate of the Year Hope wasn’t a model in the sexy shoot. La Toya said they were busy and needed her for other things. Star said the models they had couldn’t hold a candle to Hope.

Mark said he would’ve used Hope. Mark has a tattoo and Trump doesn’t like tats. Deal with it, Trump. He’s hotter than you.

Trump asked Gary how they did. Gary talks about pirates. Mark explained why they decided to go for pirates and treasure. Meat Loaf talked about how they expanded beyond the box and brought people in. They had a huge crowd.

Ivanka said this has been a theme: The women play it safe and the men take risks.

Mark said if they lose the challenge, he’s on the firing line. He couldn’t hold anyone else accountable. But what about Gary? Trump singled out John Rich as doing a good job. Mark said John and Meat were the most creative.

The men got called out for not using koalas. They didn’t want to mess with the brand. The clients didn’t like pirates or the lack of a koala or the fact that Gary pitched himself during the meeting.

Marlee said pirates don’t make sense with tanning lotion.

The women imploded after they won, which is odd. NeNe was just determined to get into a fight. She’s a nasty witch.

In the boardroom, Meat Loaf defended his buddy Mark. Gary said the executives wanted to come to him and he didn’t force them. He did force them. Once again, Trump tried to defend Gary. Gary is a liability “big time,” Meat says. Trump needs to stop treating Gary like one of his children. Gary didn’t believe that he pitched to the clients. Lil Jon also trashed Gary. In the other room, Star Jones said Gary has moments of clarity, just in the boardroom.

John Rich gave Gary a benefit of the doubt before, but he uses Trump’s and Gary’s words against them. Gary said he likes to keep people off balance and that’s what he does. He’s focused in the boardroom, but outside the boardroom he’s nearly impossible to wrangle.

Trump misinterprets Mark’s words, believing that wanting to take responsibility means wanting to quit. Why is Trump so much harder on Mark than Gary?

Gary has been an issue for weeks! They shouldn’t have to bring him up AGAIN out in the field.

Mark and Gary are going into the boardroom. Mark wouldn’t nominate a second person.

Trump said the theme was the primary reason they lost. Which means Mark should leave. But the guys all say Gary is the weak link. Trump made a bad call. Who the hell would hire Gary for anything?


Here’s the cast, in order of my preference. Now that Mark is gone, I have a new frontrunner:

* John Rich
* Lil Jon
* Marlee Malin
* Meat Loaf
* La Toya Jackson
* Hope Dworaczyk (Who?)
* Star Jones
* NeNe Leakes
* Gary Busey
* David Cassidy — ELIMINATED 1ST
* Lisa Rinna — ELIMINATED 2ND
* Niki Taylor — ELIMINATED 3RD
* Dionne Warwick — ELIMINATED 4TH
* Richard Hatch — ELIMINATED 6TH
* Mark McGrath — ELIMINATED 7TH

Read my “Celebrity Apprentice” recaps here.

Pay no attention to any man without a cowboy hat.

We all have one. Someone who just rubs us the wrong way.

Person X can say something and it’s fine. But if Person Y says the same exact thing, you lose it. Suddenly you’re raving things like “I BOUGHT THOSE MOTHERF–KING SPONGES!!!!” even though you’re a grown man in a room of other grown men, working on an art project to raise money for charity. And the whole thing is being filmed.

Girl power?

Poor Meat Loaf. It may be time for more “anger management.” But I can’t blame him too much. Gary Busey is … let’s go with “an acquired taste.” If he started coming after me with all those s-p-e-l-l-e-d o-u-t w-o-r-d-s and stuff about dancing on rainbows or whatever — I’d lose it, too.

As John Rich put it, “Gary Busey is kind of like a one-legged cat trying to bury a turtle in a frozen pond.” That makes no sense to me, but I agree. (Did he say “turd” or “turtle”? I like both.)

Speaking of John Rich, how awesome was he on “The Celebrity Apprentice” Episode 5 “The Art Of The Deal”? I want him, Marlee Matlin and Mark McGrath in the finals.

John and Marlee Matlin were the project managers for an art show challenge. They all made pieces of “art” and sold them to family, friends and anyone else with money. Everyone had to create baseball caps and an artist/”Sopranos” actor deemed La Toya Jackson’s hat the best.

Both teams did incredibly well. Trump said they’ve never raised this much money in a season before. He was so impressed, he offered a deal: If both project managers agreed, the losing team would keep the money for his or her charity. Trump wouldn’t have gone for it, but they both went for it. Then they got the numbers: Backbone raised $626,908. The ladies’ team, A.S.A.P., raised $986,000 for an all-time “Apprentice” record. Even Marlee’s interpreter cried! Trump gave Marlee’s charity, The Starkey Hearing Foundation, the extra $14,000 to get to $1 million.

Now they can hang out together...

Trump made another deal — since at that point Jose Canseco had already quit (see below), it was Marlee’s choice whether Trump fired one of the men or not. She decided he should fire someone, because it’s business and the women had lost so many challenges, it was time for the men to feel the pain.

Richard Hatch had raised the least amount of money. But when Trump asked the men about the weakest player, going forward, everyone said Gary. They know that Trump loves “brilliant” Gary but, as my boy Mark put it, passion and focus are not the same things. Marlee defended Gary, which was nice of her, but she doesn’t have to work with him. Marlee wanted Trump to fire Hatch.

It came down to money. Hatch was fired. Poor guy. He didn’t even get a chance to defend himself, which is his strong suit. Too much time was spent on Gary’s ramblings.

Marlee may have won the challenge, but she didn’t have to deal with behind-the-scenes drama this week. John Rich did. John won, in my opinion, for helping his idiot boys keep some perspective. More than anyone, John has his head in the right part of the game. It’s not about kissing Trump’s arse. It’s not about doing as little as possible while getting to the end. It’s not about being crazy. It’s not even about winning. It’s about raising money for charity.

John said the only reason he’s on this show is to raise more money than anyone else for his charity, St. Jude’s. He guaranteed $500,000 from his “hillbillies” and he demanded his fellow men of Backbone also raise something. Unless they are “all hat and no cattle.”

Apparently Jose Canseco is all hat and no cattle.Yes, I’m evil. I don’t doubt that his father is sick with cancer, and I wish him the best. But the timing is more than suspicious. Jose didn’t raise any money in the pizza challenge and he thought it wouldn’t be possible to raise money for this challenge either (but WHY?) so he went to the principal’s office and told Trump his father was sick so he had to go home. Why can’t Jose raise money? And why would he go on the show if he couldn’t raise money? Anyway, Jose left the show. He quit. No more dressing in drag.

At least Richard Hatch stuck around and sold his painting for $1,000. It wasn’t much, but a guy fresh out of prison, famous for a show that aired 10 years ago, probably isn’t going to raise as much as, say, La Toya Jackson.

What happened to this love, from the last episode?

I’ll talk about the women eventually, but I have to discuss the Meat Loaf vs. Gary incident. It seems to have started in the supply store.

Gary asked Meat if he was buying Gary’s things. He said it in a way that bothered Meat. Meat feels Gary has an air of entitlement about him. (That’s what happens when people like Trump call you a “genius” even though you’re just babbling nonsense 90 percent of the time.)

My boy Mark tried to talk Meat down off the ledge and hold back the anger, but Gary has a way of bringing out the crazy in others. So when they got back into the work room and Meat couldn’t find his bag of art supplies, he assumed that Gary had stolen his paint and sponges and passed them off as his own.

He went off. Like I’ve never seen. So many f-bombs and motherf-bombs. You’d never know it was about art supplies — especially when it turns out (oops!) that Meat’s bag was just hiding under a table. Gary, to his credit, just stood his ground and let Meat rant. He didn’t engage, but he didn’t run either.

Mark and Meat appear to be close and Mark tried to hold Meat back. Meanwhile, project manager John talked to Gary and tried to keep him away from Meat. Later, John told Meat that kind of language and energy were embarrassing. They were there for charity. He basically told the guy to man up.

I agree. Meat agreed too, apologizing to Gary and saying he was embarrassed. Gary blathered on something about rainbows and he spelled out a word and the whole time I was cringing, because I thought it might set Meat off again.

But they moved on. The guys had their art show up way before the women, who were stuck in Friday night New York traffic. But since La Toya Jackson offered up a Michael Jackson T-shirt, they had some solid stuff to sell. Jill Zarin of “Real Housewives of New York” and Jason Taylor, one of my favorites from “Dancing with the Stars,” showed up to support the ladies.

But the guys had country power and people with enough money to buy a guitar for something like $450,000. That’s especially interesting considering the Michael Jackson shirt sold for $99,000.

But in the end, the women outraised the men — by a lot. Hatch was on the chopping block for not raising enough money, but Gary was named the weakest link in terms of focus. Money ruled. Based on the previews I’d say that was a bad call. We’re due for Gary vs. All the Guys and NeNe vs. La Toya.

By the way, who is Hope and why is she still there?


Here’s the cast, in order of my preference:

* Mark McGrath
* John Rich
* Lil Jon
* Marlee Malin
* Meat Loaf
* La Toya Jackson
* NeNe Leakes
* Gary Busey
* Hope Dworaczyk (Who?)
* Star Jones
* David Cassidy — ELIMINATED 1ST
* Lisa Rinna — ELIMINATED 2ND
* Niki Taylor — ELIMINATED 3RD
* Dionne Warwick — ELIMINATED 4TH
* Richard Hatch — ELIMINATED 6TH

Read my “Celebrity Apprentice” recaps here.

Ding dong the witch is dead! Which old witch? The Dionne witch!

Dionne Warwick to NeNe Leakes: “You’re a coward, baby.”

Oh the big, bright smile she gave when saying that. It chills me. The woman is diabolical.

God I hate passive-aggression. I can’t say I’ll miss Miss Dionne. In fact, hell with her.

And now we know his, uh, package is called "Big Wednesday." Sigh.

I love how whenever someone on “Celebrity Apprentice” wants to build up to an insult, they feel compelled to start with “Gary Busey is an incredibly talented actor…” or “I have a lot of respect for Dionne Warwick…”


He’s also crazy. Unfocused. Unstable. In his own world. Frazzled. All over the place.

She’s lazy. She walked out. She’s rude. She can’t keep up. She STILL can’t look at Marlee Matlin when talking to her.

And now Dionne is gone. She pulled a half-Niki Taylor, offering herself to be fired, but only after everyone else (including Ivanka Trump, bless her) went after her for walking out during the challenge. Then she took it back, saying she wanted to stay. But it was too late. Mr. Trump doesn’t like to be tested. No game-playing, please.

Ivanka asked Dionne if leaving early was an issue of stamina or indifference. Dionne seems oblivious to the fact that the same rules apply to everyone, including her. As project manager, NeNe Leakes should’ve told Dionne to stay. But these ladies are too passive-aggressive. And now they’ve lost three challenges in a row.

The men on the other hand, are enjoying a love fest — literally, if Richard Hatch and Jose Canseco have a few drinks and get some alone time in a dark room.

I like a risk-taker. And a good leader.

On “Off the Hook,” the teams had to create a 30-second commercial for ACN’s new video phone. The men won with a hilarious and very “risque” (the buzz word of the night) commercial featuring Jose Canseco as another guy’s fiance. It was a close vote, since the women’s commercial featuring Marlee signing had the heart-tugging feel-good factor.

NeNe volunteered to be project manager for A.S.A.P., which was smart timing since at that point the women finally realized they should at least attempt to work together instead of pulling Lisa Rinna sabotages over and over again. Plus, Niki Taylor out c-l-a-s-s-e-d them by volunteering herself to be fired (and who can blame her for wanting to walk out on them), exposing the others as catty hussies.

Speaking of hussies, Dionne put herself in the center of the commercial and everyone agreed that it was a good idea. But then the ACN guys showed up and said “emotion” 100 times and the women realized they had to do something else. Because Dionne is not really in touch with any positive emotions.

Marlee volunteered an option about a 16-year-old girl calling her family. They included an element about hearing impairment which — let’s be honest — Marlee brings up every week. Yes, she’s deaf but there’s a lot more to her than that. She needs to come up with new ideas.

After many expletives, Lil Jon agreed to be the project manager for Backbone. Jose wanted to do a commercial about contacting aliens and I’m shocked that Gary didn’t jump all over it as a great and c-l-a-s-s-y idea. Instead, Jon went for a big gay gamble … that still put Gary and Jose in the forefront.

I'd cry, too, if I had to work with Dionne.

Dionne actually said something positive about NeNe, which is just odd — considering it’s Dionne. And NeNe. Although NeNe calling her “Miss Dionne” probably squeaked those wheels. Meanwhile, La Toya Jackson suddenly went blind (which explains her Curious George outfit) and Hope Dworaczyk (WHO?) said her only skill is finding props.

Hope and Dionne went to get props and La Toya was in charge of keeping time. When they were all gone, NeNe mentioned to Marlee and Star Jones that they were the only competent people. So it’s now three against three … with the other three not really aware that they are currently on the outs.

For Backbone’s commercial, Jose played an older gay guy trying to look young. This follows Jose’s cross-dressing teacher from a couple of eps ago. Could this be his calling? Turns out, Richard Hatch thinks Jose is hot. So that fight they had on the premiere could probably be considered foreplay. (When is Hatch going to go naked like he does on “Survivor”?) My boy Mark McGrath got them a purple couch which he tried to pass off as a pink grandma couch. Sorry. My grandmothers both have more c-l-a-s-s than that.

During A.S.A.P.’s commercial production design, Dionne got testy (what are the odds?) with Marlee, which means she got testy with Marlee’s amazing interpreter because she STILL WON’T LOOK AT MARLEE when Marlee is trying to communicate with her.

At some point after that, “matriarch” Dionne took a nap. Consider it a blessing. (Did Joan Rivers nap on her way to the “Celebrity Apprentice” win two seasons ago? I feel like Annie Duke would never have let her.)

He's a good gay man.

It was good timing that she left right when Trump’s slick-haired son showed up. People have talked about Dionne in passing in the boardroom, but this is proof of her lack of contribution. Unfortunately, this just cast harsh light on NeNe as the leader. Can someone please blame Dionne for Dionne’s actions? La Toya was accused of not being able to keep time, but at least she stayed awake.

The Backbone commercial with Jose and his gay fiance and Gary in his (revealing) bath robe had the surprise and humor factor. (Hey, shock is an emotion.) The A.S.A.P. commercial was more sweet and heartfelt, with Marlee signing “I love you” to her screen daughter.

The teams had to make presentations in front of a group of ACN people that cheered for Donald Trump like a Roman gladiator when he walked into the room. NeNe was awkward in her intro, but Star was smooth … and smug. She wrote with applause points in mind and they worked.

When the men get on stage, Lil Jon shouted at them to get them fired up. I would’ve liked a nice “WHAT????” in honor of Dave Chappelle, but I’ll take what I can get. Their commercial was a huge gamble because it wasn’t middle-of-the-road stuff. It could offend a large group of customers. But it was definitely memorable.

The men’s strong point was bringing in the audience. They liked how Lil Jon included the word “viral.”  The women took the company’s task to heart. It was a close vote.

Hatch called Lil Jon the best leader. He gushed over him. It’s nice to hear some positive stuff for a change. Trump brought up the word “risque” over and over again. Lil Jon made an argument for trying something different. The company’s slogan is “no boundaries.” He put it all on black and took his own chance.

NeNe started crying when the men talked about their harmony and how they all got along. There were no weak links. Dionne said NeNe was superb. NeNe brought up how many of the women were in abusive relationships. It ties to her charity. Even Marlee said NeNe “rocks.” They are each other’s girls. Which NeNe is this? Can we get the “Real Housewives of Atlanta” in the house to give the other side? Kim?

It finally came out that Dionne left early. NeNe said she is not a babysitter. Star threw La Toya and Hope under the bus. NeNe said her son could keep the time. She rolled her eyes over La Toya. Mr. Trump loves La Toya and likes how she’s stepped up.

Trump loves La Toya and Gary. They can coast.

Once again, the women fell apart whereas the men got along.

It turns out, the men won. Which was the right call. Congrats to Lil Jon.

It was the third loss in a row for the women. Star told Mr. Trump she’s never seen a group of women pull together like this. Wow. Who is she hanging out with? All of the women I’ve met have gotten along better than this group.

Dionne — ha! ha! — tries to blame the challenge criteria. Nice try. La Toya can’t choose a weakest link. Star says Hope and La Toya have been more followers than leaders. What about Dionne? Trump asked Marlee point blank “Who doesn’t contribute?” Marlee said La Toya.


Trump asked NeNe, who can the team do without? She said Dionne. Thank heaven someone called it. She said the girls are afraid of Dionne. It’s a level of respect, Star says. But when Dionne offers herself to be fired, Star basically says she’s quitting on her charity. Star wants to have it both ways.

Trump asked Hope (WHO?) which lady he should fire. (Hope may coast to the end just because no one notices she’s there.) Hope said Dionne. That’s when Dionne held her own pity party, saying to fire her. She had to be pulled back by Trump. But it was too late.

Next week, Meat Loaf bakes Gary Busey. He goes nuts. I can’t wait to see it. I think this is my new favorite show. Don’t tell anyone.

Here’s the cast, in order of my preference:

* Mark McGrath
* John Rich
* Lil Jon
* Marlee Malin
* Meat Loaf
* Richard Hatch
* NeNe Leakes
* Jose Canseco
* Gary Busey
* La Toya Jackson
* Hope Dworaczyk (Who?)
* Star Jones
* David Cassidy — ELIMINATED 1ST
* Lisa Rinna — ELIMINATED 2ND
* Niki Taylor — ELIMINATED 3RD
* Dionne Warwick — ELIMINATED 4TH


Read my “Celebrity Apprentice” recaps here.

I'm frightened of Gary Busey. He's goofy-funny in some ways, but when he gets out his crazy person growl, I worry. Why is Donald Trump so in love with him? Are they related? They both have bad hair...

God love Gary Busey, but what on Earth is he babbling about?

On “Celebrity Apprentice” episode three, “Unhappy Campers,” the laughably un-outdoorsy teams had to put on an interactive outdoor experience to promote Camping World. This is funny to me for many reasons, mostly for the idea that Donald Trump could ever really rough it in an RV.

It was also funny for Gary Busey’s introduction to the challenge boss, Marcus Lemonis of Camping World: “I know nothing’s free, but my heart to your heart is free.” (?)

How sane is Star? And how valuable is Dionne? Oh you're much too generous!

Gary always gives good, if inexplicable, value. What did he say about creating definitions for words from the letters in the words? Ivanka is right: You can’t say you’ve ever worked with someone like Gary because there are no others.

And THANK GOD for it.

Gary and Niki Taylor were the project managers. Gary is a human train wreck, but he is his team’s #1 train wreck. Other than Gary (and, to some extent, Jose Canseco’s Negative Nelly attitude), the men of Backbone are very good and want their team to win.

Niki, on the other hand, had to battle the additional challenge of Star Jones insisting she’s the only one who knows how to do anything … while insisting she won’t be taking charge. Then there’s Dionne Warwick, a patronizing naysayer who looks for fault in others while doing nothing helpful herself.

Gary and Lil Jon did not get along. Or, as Gary growled, “Lil Jon turned out to be an antagonist to me.” (Run, Lil Jon!)

Jose also decided he was against everyone and everything that was suggested. As my boy Mark McGrath put it, “I feel like you have an opinion and it’s very strong but it’s not necessarily right.” YES.

Jose didn’t want a charming little country song to go along with their RV challenge. And then Richard Hatch called country “backward” and for the “less educated.” John Rich made a huge fuss, which he kind of had to do since his own reputation was on the line. He has to represent country music fans, aka “my audience.”

Thankfully, Backbone has my boy Mark. John called him a “panicker” but I see someone actually focused on the task at hand. And I’d panic, too, if I saw Gary and Jose just sitting around during a challenge. Then playing catch. Mark seems to be the men’s saving grace — especially when Gary loves “mistakes” because they lead you figure things out another way, or something. Love Mark for taping the ball game to show at the boardroom. My boy is wicked smahhht!

I love Marlee's interpreter. I wonder what he thinks about all of this.

In short, this challenge was the ladies’ to lose. I thought Gary had set the fail bar too high, but the ladies couldn’t work together enough to get a good thing going. And The Men Minus Gary were great, even with Meat Loaf’s little presentation gaffe.

Really, Gary and Star should have their own team and name it Delusional. Star wants to be known as someone who solves problems instead of creating problems, then goes right ahead and slashes the metaphorical tires of everyone on her team. (Remember when Star said she wanted to show that women could work together? Every day is Opposite Day with Star!)

Niki decided her best strategy was to bond with fellow model Hope “Who The Hell is This Chick?” Dworaczyk. At least she would have someone on her side. She also assigned the rest of the A.S.A.P. ladies to design portions of the set-up. Good. Keep them busy.

But while she was at the printers, she got a call from Star asking for clarification about her “vision.” “Vision” has become the new code for “I’m going to bring this up at the boardroom.” Star overcomplicates everything. Because she’s looking for ways to help others fail. Because she’s a bully. No one deserves a Star working against them, especially when Dionne is right there helping her find fault.

Niki made the mistake of playing nice and saying the ladies all got along. She’s a cheerleader. She said if they lost she should go home. Marlee, on the other hand, sold out Dionne — but only to a point. Not nearly enough. And wasn’t Dionne the one who was paying her bills during the challenge? What is she doing there, by the way? Did she think because Joan Rivers won, that anyone of any age could do this? Maybe it’s true, but you have to show up and WORK not just putter around and do the bare minimum.

I wish The Donald would let people speak in the boardroom instead of interrupting them. He doesn’t seem to know what really goes on, but he rarely lets people finish their thoughts. But Marlee and Niki had the opportunity to explain Dionne’s passive-aggression and they decided to just play it safe.

Trump loves “genius” Gary. Why? Who knows. Gary says he was legally deaf and now has two hearing aids and can hear his own toenails grow. But the hearing aids haven’t checked the crazy. The crazy doesn’t wait for sound. Mark should’ve mentioned how Gary and Jose were playing catch and sitting around when they should’ve been working. Why is no one spilling the beans?

In the end, John Rich and my boy Mark held their team together and led the men to a win. Niki did herself no favors with her martyrdom cheerleading and, for that, she deserved to go home. She had a classy exit, but it was an unnecessary one. Since Dionne never should’ve been there to begin with, she was my #1 pick to be fired. Get. Rid. Of. Her. Now.


Right now I like Mark, John, Lil Jon and Meal Loaf on the men’s side — in that order — and Marlee and La Toya on the women’s side.

Here’s the cast, in order of my preference:

* Mark McGrath
* John Rich
* Marlee Matlin
*  Lil Jon
* Meat Loaf
* La Toya Jackson
* Hope Dworaczyk (Who?)
* Richard Hatch
* NeNe Leakes
* Gary Busey
* Jose Canseco
* Star Jones
* Dionne Warwick
* David Cassidy — ELIMINATED 1ST
* Lisa Rinna — ELIMINATED 2ND
* Niki Taylor — ELIMINATED 3RD


Read my “Celebrity Apprentice” stories here.

Mark and Marlee could go far. Dionne, it seems, can't efficiently run a cash register or speak directly to someone who is deaf. She's just arrogant as hell.

Was it Gary Busey who just compared Mark McGrath to the hood ornament on your car of creativity? Or something?

Whatever was said, I agree. Last week on “The Celebrity Apprentice” premiere, Mark stood out to me with his positive energy — for everyone on team Backbone — during the pizza challenge. This week the children’s book story — based around Lil Jon, which is hilarious — was his idea. Everyone seems to like him and he’s a creative, likable guy who knows how to stay on task. If he stays on this track, he should win.

Never let these two crazy fools work together.

John Rich is another standout. He raised a lot of money last week and he’s a creative force this week. Jose Canseco is annoying. The sooner he’s fired the better. Gary Busey is a homeless drama queen. There are as many divas on the men’s side as the women’s.

I felt sorry for Meat Loaf when he screwed up the logistics, but things turned out well for him in the end.

(Although, I’m all set with all this tearful “Thank you, Mr. Trump!” gushing. Mr. Trump wasted a full minute talking abou Lisa Rinna’s lip reduction and how much he effing hates tattoos. Mr. Trump is what we generously call “eccentric.”)

Meanwhile, the women of A.S.A.P. are imploding. They bullied and sabotaged Lisa Rinna and tried to make her fail, which was both stupid and sad. It seems like only last week that the increasingly insufferable Star Jones made her heartfelt speech about how women can work well together. Not quite.

I’m tired of Star, but I think she’s sticking around. She’s the head mean girl. She raised more than $40,000 last week and that definitely displayed some staying power. Dionne Warwick, on the other hand, is useless. She needs to leave now. I can’t believe how rude Dionne was to Marlee Matlin. Dionne wouldn’t even look at Marlee. So deafness is not the right kind of diversity for Dionne? Wow. I lost total respect for her.

I like the idea of LaToya Jackson as a lion. That’s fine, even if a shy lion isn’t that original. They could jazz it up. The group didn’t have to go with hearing impairment, but the idea that it’s too heavy or hard to understand is truly ignorant.

Star Jones is the Queen B*tch of this season, with NeNe Leakes as her toadie.

Anyway, I’m really starting to love “The Celebrity Apprentice.” I have fond memories of the showdown between Joan Rivers and Annie Duke. I predict just as many below-the-belt insults this season.

Here are the celebs of Apprentice, in order of my preference:

* Mark McGrath
* John Rich
* Marlee Matlin
* Meat Loaf
* Niki Taylor
*  Lil Jon
* La Toya Jackson
* Richard Hatch
* NeNe Leakes
* Gary Busey
* Hope Dworaczyk (Who?)
* Jose Canseco
* Star Jones
* Dionne Warwick
* David Cassidy — ELIMINATED 1ST
* Lisa Rinna — ELIMINATED 2ND


Read my “Celebrity Apprentice” recaps here.

Twitter Updates

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