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Pay no attention to any man without a cowboy hat.

We all have one. Someone who just rubs us the wrong way.

Person X can say something and it’s fine. But if Person Y says the same exact thing, you lose it. Suddenly you’re raving things like “I BOUGHT THOSE MOTHERF–KING SPONGES!!!!” even though you’re a grown man in a room of other grown men, working on an art project to raise money for charity. And the whole thing is being filmed.

Girl power?

Poor Meat Loaf. It may be time for more “anger management.” But I can’t blame him too much. Gary Busey is … let’s go with “an acquired taste.” If he started coming after me with all those s-p-e-l-l-e-d o-u-t w-o-r-d-s and stuff about dancing on rainbows or whatever — I’d lose it, too.

As John Rich put it, “Gary Busey is kind of like a one-legged cat trying to bury a turtle in a frozen pond.” That makes no sense to me, but I agree. (Did he say “turd” or “turtle”? I like both.)

Speaking of John Rich, how awesome was he on “The Celebrity Apprentice” Episode 5 “The Art Of The Deal”? I want him, Marlee Matlin and Mark McGrath in the finals.

John and Marlee Matlin were the project managers for an art show challenge. They all made pieces of “art” and sold them to family, friends and anyone else with money. Everyone had to create baseball caps and an artist/”Sopranos” actor deemed La Toya Jackson’s hat the best.

Both teams did incredibly well. Trump said they’ve never raised this much money in a season before. He was so impressed, he offered a deal: If both project managers agreed, the losing team would keep the money for his or her charity. Trump wouldn’t have gone for it, but they both went for it. Then they got the numbers: Backbone raised $626,908. The ladies’ team, A.S.A.P., raised $986,000 for an all-time “Apprentice” record. Even Marlee’s interpreter cried! Trump gave Marlee’s charity, The Starkey Hearing Foundation, the extra $14,000 to get to $1 million.

Now they can hang out together...

Trump made another deal — since at that point Jose Canseco had already quit (see below), it was Marlee’s choice whether Trump fired one of the men or not. She decided he should fire someone, because it’s business and the women had lost so many challenges, it was time for the men to feel the pain.

Richard Hatch had raised the least amount of money. But when Trump asked the men about the weakest player, going forward, everyone said Gary. They know that Trump loves “brilliant” Gary but, as my boy Mark put it, passion and focus are not the same things. Marlee defended Gary, which was nice of her, but she doesn’t have to work with him. Marlee wanted Trump to fire Hatch.

It came down to money. Hatch was fired. Poor guy. He didn’t even get a chance to defend himself, which is his strong suit. Too much time was spent on Gary’s ramblings.

Marlee may have won the challenge, but she didn’t have to deal with behind-the-scenes drama this week. John Rich did. John won, in my opinion, for helping his idiot boys keep some perspective. More than anyone, John has his head in the right part of the game. It’s not about kissing Trump’s arse. It’s not about doing as little as possible while getting to the end. It’s not about being crazy. It’s not even about winning. It’s about raising money for charity.

John said the only reason he’s on this show is to raise more money than anyone else for his charity, St. Jude’s. He guaranteed $500,000 from his “hillbillies” and he demanded his fellow men of Backbone also raise something. Unless they are “all hat and no cattle.”

Apparently Jose Canseco is all hat and no cattle.Yes, I’m evil. I don’t doubt that his father is sick with cancer, and I wish him the best. But the timing is more than suspicious. Jose didn’t raise any money in the pizza challenge and he thought it wouldn’t be possible to raise money for this challenge either (but WHY?) so he went to the principal’s office and told Trump his father was sick so he had to go home. Why can’t Jose raise money? And why would he go on the show if he couldn’t raise money? Anyway, Jose left the show. He quit. No more dressing in drag.

At least Richard Hatch stuck around and sold his painting for $1,000. It wasn’t much, but a guy fresh out of prison, famous for a show that aired 10 years ago, probably isn’t going to raise as much as, say, La Toya Jackson.

What happened to this love, from the last episode?

I’ll talk about the women eventually, but I have to discuss the Meat Loaf vs. Gary incident. It seems to have started in the supply store.

Gary asked Meat if he was buying Gary’s things. He said it in a way that bothered Meat. Meat feels Gary has an air of entitlement about him. (That’s what happens when people like Trump call you a “genius” even though you’re just babbling nonsense 90 percent of the time.)

My boy Mark tried to talk Meat down off the ledge and hold back the anger, but Gary has a way of bringing out the crazy in others. So when they got back into the work room and Meat couldn’t find his bag of art supplies, he assumed that Gary had stolen his paint and sponges and passed them off as his own.

He went off. Like I’ve never seen. So many f-bombs and motherf-bombs. You’d never know it was about art supplies — especially when it turns out (oops!) that Meat’s bag was just hiding under a table. Gary, to his credit, just stood his ground and let Meat rant. He didn’t engage, but he didn’t run either.

Mark and Meat appear to be close and Mark tried to hold Meat back. Meanwhile, project manager John talked to Gary and tried to keep him away from Meat. Later, John told Meat that kind of language and energy were embarrassing. They were there for charity. He basically told the guy to man up.

I agree. Meat agreed too, apologizing to Gary and saying he was embarrassed. Gary blathered on something about rainbows and he spelled out a word and the whole time I was cringing, because I thought it might set Meat off again.

But they moved on. The guys had their art show up way before the women, who were stuck in Friday night New York traffic. But since La Toya Jackson offered up a Michael Jackson T-shirt, they had some solid stuff to sell. Jill Zarin of “Real Housewives of New York” and Jason Taylor, one of my favorites from “Dancing with the Stars,” showed up to support the ladies.

But the guys had country power and people with enough money to buy a guitar for something like $450,000. That’s especially interesting considering the Michael Jackson shirt sold for $99,000.

But in the end, the women outraised the men — by a lot. Hatch was on the chopping block for not raising enough money, but Gary was named the weakest link in terms of focus. Money ruled. Based on the previews I’d say that was a bad call. We’re due for Gary vs. All the Guys and NeNe vs. La Toya.

By the way, who is Hope and why is she still there?


Here’s the cast, in order of my preference:

* Mark McGrath
* John Rich
* Lil Jon
* Marlee Malin
* Meat Loaf
* La Toya Jackson
* NeNe Leakes
* Gary Busey
* Hope Dworaczyk (Who?)
* Star Jones
* David Cassidy — ELIMINATED 1ST
* Lisa Rinna — ELIMINATED 2ND
* Niki Taylor — ELIMINATED 3RD
* Dionne Warwick — ELIMINATED 4TH
* Richard Hatch — ELIMINATED 6TH

Read my “Celebrity Apprentice” recaps here.


I'm frightened of Gary Busey. He's goofy-funny in some ways, but when he gets out his crazy person growl, I worry. Why is Donald Trump so in love with him? Are they related? They both have bad hair...

God love Gary Busey, but what on Earth is he babbling about?

On “Celebrity Apprentice” episode three, “Unhappy Campers,” the laughably un-outdoorsy teams had to put on an interactive outdoor experience to promote Camping World. This is funny to me for many reasons, mostly for the idea that Donald Trump could ever really rough it in an RV.

It was also funny for Gary Busey’s introduction to the challenge boss, Marcus Lemonis of Camping World: “I know nothing’s free, but my heart to your heart is free.” (?)

How sane is Star? And how valuable is Dionne? Oh you're much too generous!

Gary always gives good, if inexplicable, value. What did he say about creating definitions for words from the letters in the words? Ivanka is right: You can’t say you’ve ever worked with someone like Gary because there are no others.

And THANK GOD for it.

Gary and Niki Taylor were the project managers. Gary is a human train wreck, but he is his team’s #1 train wreck. Other than Gary (and, to some extent, Jose Canseco’s Negative Nelly attitude), the men of Backbone are very good and want their team to win.

Niki, on the other hand, had to battle the additional challenge of Star Jones insisting she’s the only one who knows how to do anything … while insisting she won’t be taking charge. Then there’s Dionne Warwick, a patronizing naysayer who looks for fault in others while doing nothing helpful herself.

Gary and Lil Jon did not get along. Or, as Gary growled, “Lil Jon turned out to be an antagonist to me.” (Run, Lil Jon!)

Jose also decided he was against everyone and everything that was suggested. As my boy Mark McGrath put it, “I feel like you have an opinion and it’s very strong but it’s not necessarily right.” YES.

Jose didn’t want a charming little country song to go along with their RV challenge. And then Richard Hatch called country “backward” and for the “less educated.” John Rich made a huge fuss, which he kind of had to do since his own reputation was on the line. He has to represent country music fans, aka “my audience.”

Thankfully, Backbone has my boy Mark. John called him a “panicker” but I see someone actually focused on the task at hand. And I’d panic, too, if I saw Gary and Jose just sitting around during a challenge. Then playing catch. Mark seems to be the men’s saving grace — especially when Gary loves “mistakes” because they lead you figure things out another way, or something. Love Mark for taping the ball game to show at the boardroom. My boy is wicked smahhht!

I love Marlee's interpreter. I wonder what he thinks about all of this.

In short, this challenge was the ladies’ to lose. I thought Gary had set the fail bar too high, but the ladies couldn’t work together enough to get a good thing going. And The Men Minus Gary were great, even with Meat Loaf’s little presentation gaffe.

Really, Gary and Star should have their own team and name it Delusional. Star wants to be known as someone who solves problems instead of creating problems, then goes right ahead and slashes the metaphorical tires of everyone on her team. (Remember when Star said she wanted to show that women could work together? Every day is Opposite Day with Star!)

Niki decided her best strategy was to bond with fellow model Hope “Who The Hell is This Chick?” Dworaczyk. At least she would have someone on her side. She also assigned the rest of the A.S.A.P. ladies to design portions of the set-up. Good. Keep them busy.

But while she was at the printers, she got a call from Star asking for clarification about her “vision.” “Vision” has become the new code for “I’m going to bring this up at the boardroom.” Star overcomplicates everything. Because she’s looking for ways to help others fail. Because she’s a bully. No one deserves a Star working against them, especially when Dionne is right there helping her find fault.

Niki made the mistake of playing nice and saying the ladies all got along. She’s a cheerleader. She said if they lost she should go home. Marlee, on the other hand, sold out Dionne — but only to a point. Not nearly enough. And wasn’t Dionne the one who was paying her bills during the challenge? What is she doing there, by the way? Did she think because Joan Rivers won, that anyone of any age could do this? Maybe it’s true, but you have to show up and WORK not just putter around and do the bare minimum.

I wish The Donald would let people speak in the boardroom instead of interrupting them. He doesn’t seem to know what really goes on, but he rarely lets people finish their thoughts. But Marlee and Niki had the opportunity to explain Dionne’s passive-aggression and they decided to just play it safe.

Trump loves “genius” Gary. Why? Who knows. Gary says he was legally deaf and now has two hearing aids and can hear his own toenails grow. But the hearing aids haven’t checked the crazy. The crazy doesn’t wait for sound. Mark should’ve mentioned how Gary and Jose were playing catch and sitting around when they should’ve been working. Why is no one spilling the beans?

In the end, John Rich and my boy Mark held their team together and led the men to a win. Niki did herself no favors with her martyrdom cheerleading and, for that, she deserved to go home. She had a classy exit, but it was an unnecessary one. Since Dionne never should’ve been there to begin with, she was my #1 pick to be fired. Get. Rid. Of. Her. Now.


Right now I like Mark, John, Lil Jon and Meal Loaf on the men’s side — in that order — and Marlee and La Toya on the women’s side.

Here’s the cast, in order of my preference:

* Mark McGrath
* John Rich
* Marlee Matlin
*  Lil Jon
* Meat Loaf
* La Toya Jackson
* Hope Dworaczyk (Who?)
* Richard Hatch
* NeNe Leakes
* Gary Busey
* Jose Canseco
* Star Jones
* Dionne Warwick
* David Cassidy — ELIMINATED 1ST
* Lisa Rinna — ELIMINATED 2ND
* Niki Taylor — ELIMINATED 3RD


Read my “Celebrity Apprentice” stories here.

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