This girl is the female Boston Rob? Not.

By Gina Carbone
gina_carbone@comcast.net

Can I ask you something? Why is it so frickin hard to get rid of Russell Hantz? No matter what efforts are made to oust him, he sticks. It’s like Samoa is his “Lost” island and he’s Jacob’s real candidate.

Producer shenanigans? Part of me hopes so. ‘Cause stupidity is getting old as an excuse on “Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains.”

Tonight’s episode was “Jumping Ship” and Amanda Kimmel was ditched because Candice Woodcock fell victim to Russell’s “final 3” Villain whispers. The Russell Seed! Why does it work? Why!

Candice gets the Dumbass Move Of The Week Award.

Sandra Diaz acted like she had jumped to the Heroes to get rid of Russell out of revenge. (Loved that she said it was revenge for Tyson, Boston Rob, Courtney and …sure, even Coach, even though she didn’t care about him.) But as she said last week, she still needs Russell. So she voted for Amanda with the rest of her group. Plus Candice.

But that was the subtext to the real drama — Danielle, Amanda and Colby spent the night on the same bed on a Rewards Challenge … and no one made a move. So boring. If “Treasure Island” can’t get you in the mood…

Instead, Danielle found the hidden immunity idol clue, Amanda noticed — as she always does — and FLAT OUT STOLE IT. Fantastic! I’ve always wondered why people don’t just steal idols, so why not idol clues?

Danielle fought her for it but couldn’t get it back. The weary Colby, looking like he couldn’t believe he got stuck in this mess, had to play Daddy and break up the fighting kids. He told Amanda to give Danielle the clue since she found it.

Colby is a true Hero, but since Amanda is the real Survivor, why did she listen to Colby?

Anyway, it was all for nothing. The final vote came down to Amanda vs. Parvati and Russell wasted the idol he found using Danielle’s clue. Not that Russell ever waited for the clues back on “Survivor: Samoa.”

Amanda and Parv were in the final two together on “Fans vs. Favorites” and Parv beat her. So it’s fitting that she won again.

It’s true, Amanda was a huge threat — she’s a smart, strong, aggressive player and for some reason people like her. But the female Boston Rob? If anything, that’s Parv.

LOVE how Parv rolled her eyes in disgust at Russell, scoffing that he wasted an idol. All hail the queen.

STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS RECAP

Rupert, after the JT-dumping Tribal Council: “I tried.”

Russell in the tent, whining to whoever will listen about how “they” have “secrets going around?” He’s as confused as Boston Rob after the Tyson dumping.

Parvati told Russell of her double idol move “It’s a surprise!”

Russell: “You lied to me, that’s how I feel.” (Cue the violins.) “It pisses me off that y’all didn’t tell me. Whatever. You can talk all you want.”

Hee hee!

Parvati, still smiling and giggling, told the camera she wanted Russell scared.

Rupert, as expected, is up on a cross about how he tried to warn the Heroes. He was just lucky that Sandra was right in what she told him. And lucky that she told him, since they have the Pearl Islands in common.

Candice talked to Russell about how impressed she was by their move.

The ship is sinking, he said, and someone has to jump. That person will be crucial to what happens next.

Russell is saying this because he doesn’t trust Sandra and he wants to pull Candice into his top 6 move. He won’t say she’s going to be in the top 3, but it’s a strong possibility. Ha.

Russell told Parv that Candice was ready to “burn her house down.” So it doesn’t matter what Sandra wants to do.

REWARDS CHALLENGE

A “Survivor” version of shuffleboard. This is where it would’ve been smart to keep some old people around.

Winning team will visit Robert Louis Stevenson museum for a movie and an overnight.

Parv thinks there will be a clue to another idol on that trip. How many frickin idols are there on this island?

Red team was winning — Rupert, Russell and Sandra. It came down to Colby, who won it for the blue team. Yeah! The Colby comeback is on!

Colby, Amanda and Danielle got the reward because they were on the blue team.

THREE-WAY TURNS INTO IDOL CATFIGHT

You know, if I ever found myself in the same bed as Colby Donaldson, I would not waste it by wrestling with another woman. Especially in a non-hot way.

Sitting on the bed watching “Treasure Island,” Danielle found the idol clue in a bowl of popcorn.

Amanda was suspicious and sat next to her on the bed.

Amanda grabbed the clue and they had a “psychopath” catfight while Colby just sat there.

Amanda stole the clue. Danielle kept repeated she was “psychotic.”

Colby: “I didn’t even see what happened. I was watching Treasure Island.”

Classic!

Danielle wanted Colby to play Daddy and mediate. Colby calmly said the idol was Danielle’s because she found it and she had to give it back to Danielle.

Danielle said she needed a glass of wine. It was so fourth grade.

So all in all not a sexy three-way.

Danielle spins the story to her tribe that she wrestled Amanda to the ground and ripped it out of her hand. Not quite the way it happened. She left out how she whined to Colby about how Amanda should’ve given it back. And how Amanda whined that Colby did not back her up.

Russell is still bitter about the other immunity idol so he didn‘t tell them that he found the new idol.

Russell: “I am the king of hidden immunity idols.”

He told Candice he had the idol to show that he trusted her. So he took her on  tour. “Stick with me, I can take you places.”

You know, another young blonde won on that strategy right there on Samoa…

Russell said that was going to get them to the final three. Such a line. But is he still seriously planning to have Parvati there?

SANDRA STRATEGIZES

Sandra talked to Colby about what to do. Sandra has jumped ship to what was the Heroes. Colby wanted to know if they should first take out Russell or Parvati.

D’oh!

Sandra turned to Russell and said Colby is “uptight.” Jerri was right, he has “no personality.” Shut the eff up about my boy!

Russell told Sandra they had six votes — one of the former Heroes turned.

Sandra told the camera if she sticks with the Villains she’ll never get higher than top 5. That’s why she has to flip to the Heroes, because the Villains won’t get rid of Russell.

Then Sandra told Rupert if he wants Russell gone, he’s gone. Or they could vote out Parv. Rupert said he’d prefer to dump Russell first. “The guy is a piece of garbage,” Rupert said.

Agreed, man. Agreed.

Colby talked to Amanda about how Sandra wants to get rid of Russell.

Colby said he didn’t see any reason why Sandra would bluff him at this point.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE — HOUSE OF CARDS

They have to use panels to build a house of cards.

I do love these simple challenges. No more complicated obstacle courses. I hope.

First person to get to 10 feet wins immunity.

Jerri won immunity by seconds over Russell.

It was her very first immunity ever. Huzzah, Jerri! I’m happy for her. But technically she got immunity from Parvati the other night.

IT’S TIME FOR REVENGE

Sandra said she was voting for Russell for Tyson, Boston Rob, Courtney and even Coach although she doesn’t care about him. Ha!

Russell said Rupert and Colby look “done,” but somehow he thinks Amanda is a great strategic player. She’s like Boston Rob in a woman’s body, he said. Say whuh? Not quite.

The Heroes played cards with Sandra and Rupert was regaling them with stories about how he went home on Pearl Islands the night he thought he was safe.

Rupert said they all had to write Russell’s name down. Candice talked to Russell and said Sandra was going to write his name down.

So Russell talked to both Sandra and Candice and said they had to write Amanda’s name down. (Why do people listen to him?)

Sandra talked to Rupert about how Candice just told Russell everything. So Sandra thinks they will give Russell the idol now.

Colby reassured Sandra they would not sell her out. They said they would vote for Parvati.

Colby said if this thing doesn’t work it’s Candice’s fault for talking.

Sandra really laid it on thick to Candice. Candice is so weak.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

They talked about how it makes sense for someone at the bottom of their tribe like Sandra to flip to another tribe.

Ha! Russell thinks Sandra would be easy to beat in the end. Fool.

Russell talked about all of the Villains’ strategies and said Sandra was “just there” with them. Wow.

The Heroes think Danielle has the idol. Colby and Rupert are sure. Why are they always so sure of everything?

Russell played the idol he found. He didn’t need to, but it was good to flush it out.

1. Amanda

2. Amanda

3. Parvati (love Courtney cracking up in the jury)

4. Parvati (now it’s Russell’s turn to say “Damn it”)

5. Amanda

6. Amanda

7. Parvati

8. Amanda

It was the first time Amanda had heard “The tribe is spoken.” She made it to the finals in both of her other seasons.

Ha! Russell told Parvati he was never so nervous and she rolled her eyes at him that “you wasted one.” That should tell you everything about their relationship.

So, even though we’re still stuck with Russell, the fact that the Heroes wrote down Parvati’s name was his second blindside in a row.
***

These people are still around:
HEROES
Rupert Boneham (Pearl Islands, All-Stars)
Colby Donaldson (Australian Outback, All-Stars)
Candice Woodcock (Cook Islands)

VILLAINS
Sandra Diaz (Pearl Islands)
Danielle DiLorenzo (Panama)
Russell Hantz (Samoa)
Jerri Manthey (Australian Outback, All-Stars)
Parvati Shallow (Cook Islands, Fans vs. Favorites)

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