Candice, even your mom would probably call you stupid today.

By Gina Carbone
gina_carbone@comcast.net

Don’t you love a hypocrite?

Here’s Jerri, saying they have to get rid of Candice because she flipped from the Heroes to the Villains last week and a flipper can’t be trusted.

So what does she do? After Russell, mad at his Villainesses for the Candice move — but really just mad because he’s lost control of them — threatened Jerri with being the next to go if she didn’t vote out Danielle … she listened. She voted out Danielle.

Does Danielle's mouth ever close? Literally. I'm asking.

Talk about a “Sinking Ship.” Not only are the Heroes disappearing, the Villains are imploding.

Granted, Danielle has a big big big mouth and dug her own grave by talking about her final three alliance with Russell and Parvati at the second Tribal Council. Parv probably wanted to shoot her. (It was cute watching Danielle and Russell fight over Parv like jealous lovers. Danielle: “I’m closer to Parvati than you think.” Parv, you could do better. Make a move on Colby.)

So what now? Parv and Russell are on the outs. Sandra is “against” Russell.

But Rupert? Rupert is ready to make deals with Russell?! Talk about a hypocrite. We’ll see if that really plays out as it appeared in the previews.

P.S. Congrats Rupert on fooling Russell on the faux idol/rock and for surviving the double eliminations when at least half of the crew wanted your ass gone.

P.P.S. Russell is not the greatest Villain of all time and Rupert is far from the greatest Hero. Colby is closer.

*** STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS RECAP ***

Jerri said Candice flipped to their side for the Amanda vote (last week on “Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains” “Jumping Ship”) and now she’s a threat. Anyone who flips that fast can’t be trusted.

Colby and Rupert dissed Candice, talking about what a “weak” and “pathetic” player she is for betraying them.  She deserves to be a Villain, Rupert said. He and Colby are the only “Heroes” left.

So, all in all, not Candice’s best night.

Russell talked to Sandra about how it’s going to be “fun” from now on. Rupert isn’t talking to him now. Like his feelings are hurt. “I mean, what game do they think they’re playing, you know what I mean?”

You know I can’t stand Russell. CAN’T STAND Russell. But he’s right. This is “Survivor.”

Rupert is back up on the cross about how Russell is so awful he may be worse than Jonny Fairplay.

Rupert: “You’ve already proven yourself to be a disgusting, terrible human being to swear on your kids’ life.”

Russell: “It is the game, and you really f—ed it up for yourself.”

Rupert vs. Russell went on for a while. Russell said he didn’t give a f–k about Rupert. He said it to Rupert. It’s out in the open now.

Ha!

Russell mocked him, to his face as “The second coming of Christ.”

Rupert: “You can say whatever you want, because it doesn’t really mater anymore.”

Russell: “You’re such a dumbass, Rupert.”

This was actually a smart move on Rupert’s part. To get Russell to make such arrogant statements TO THE JURY is a bad idea. That’s how you have to think of the remaining players. They are your potential jury.

*** IMMUNITY CHALLENGE 1 ***

Another standing-on-a-perch challenge. They were tied by one arm above their heads.

Parvati won this challenge in Fans vs. Favorites, lasting over 6 hours.

Jeff tempted them with an unknown item and Sandra and Russell stepped out sight-unseen. They got to share cookies and milk.

Eww! Hairy armpits.

Doughnuts and ICED COFFEE. I would stab Jeff Probst himself for an iced coffee.

Colby went for it, bless him. Boy after my own heart. Bad move, though, when there are only two Heroes left. … Unless it’s a smart move because it makes you look even less like a threat. Discuss.

Peanut butter and jelly, chips, candy and milk.

Danielle, Jerri and … uh … Candice all stepped off to share it. Candice, are you high?

Rupert and Parvati stayed there. Go Parv! She knows how to be a Villain without also being an A-hole. That’s important.

Parvati won immunity. This challenge likes Parvati, Jeff said.

Jeff said there was a twist. He gave them a clue to ANOTHER immunity idol. He read it out loud.

“… Salvation is hidden where two paths meet. A burning bush throws a shadow on top of a stone under which lies the key to not going home.”

Who gets to write these bad non-rhymes? It’s like Tolkien interpreted by third-grade wannabe poets.

***WHO WILL WIN THE NEXT IDOL?***

This is kind of fun. Everyone is running around looking for “a burning bush,” which Sandra seemed to think would literally be on fire.

They find some red bushes. Sandra found the idol and walked away with it.

It came with a note but she didn’t read it. Instead, she hid it in some bushes. Won’t someone else find it?

Rupert said even though he doesn’t have the idol, maybe he can play like he does. So he found a rock and put it in his pocket like he was just happy to see everyone.

Will anyone buy that?

Russell said he has a lot of experience with idols and when he saw Rupert he told the camera it was the idol in his pocket. So he told Sandra he knew Rupert had the idol.

Sandra knew that was good for Sandra. So she said nothing. LOVE IT! Russell is wrong about a wild assumption and he trusts Sandra.

HE’S PULLING A JT!

Colby told Rupert the Villains were going to split the vote between him and Colby and Candice. Even if three of the Villains vote for Candice and the two of them vote for Candice, they can get rid of her.

***TRIBAL COUNCIL 1 ***

They discussed the Candice/Amanda move.

Colby said he had no respect for what Candice did.

Candice said she didn’t want to go down in a sinking ship.

Russell said they were going to vote for Rupert because he didn’t want to vote for one of his Villains. He still thinks Rupert has the idol.

Colby to the camera, showing his Candice vote: “I can honestly say I’m proud of the way I played this game. Can you?”

Candice flashed her Rupert vote, saying her mother told her if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

If your mom had any good advice at all, she probably also told you to treat others as you would like to be treated. And given a choice between not-nice Rupert and not-nice Russell, it doesn’t take the Mom of the Year to know Russell is worse.

Back up, though. Why would Colby be proud of being the Superman who sucks? This is the guy who has done almost nothing impressive in challenges and who helped send his ally Amanda home by telling her to hand back the idol clue to Danielle. They could’ve at least read the clue out loud together as a threesome. Colby, I love you for being a gentleman, but your Survivor skills are lacking.

Jeff asked if anyone was playing an idol. Rupert made a move like he would play his rock. Ha.

1. Rupert

2. Rupert

3. Rupert

4. Candice

5. Candice

6. Candice

7. Candice

8. Candice

Ha ha! You deserve what you got.

***IMMUNITY CHALLENGE 2 ***

Russell treats his fellow Villains like his kids. He was mad at his girls for voting with their emotions (pot, kettle, black) and getting rid of Candice instead of Rupert or Colby. Now if Rupert wins immunity he’ll have two idols, Russell thinks.

Another obstacle course challenge. Russell, Parvati and Rupert made it to the final round. Colby sucked again.

Neck and neck between Rupert and Russell. I smell producer shenanigans. Russell won immunity.

Why does no one try to get rid of him when they can? Oh yeah. Now I remember. HE CAN’T WIN. Even if he gets to the end. That jury is chock full of Heroes. Given a choice between Russell and one or two other Villains, I doubt any of them will choose Russell.

*** WHO TO VOTE OUT? ***

Parv said she doesn’t believe Rupert has the idol. Smart girl.

Russell is jealous. Awwwww! He thinks Danielle and Parv are a team when it’s supposed to be him and Parv as a team.

So he wants to break up the team. Talk about “A Sinking Ship.” Now it’s all falling apart.

Russell talked to Danielle about voting off Parvati. Danielle said she trusted Russell 110 percent.

Russell talked to Parv about how Danielle wants to get rid of her.

Russell said Parv and Danielle wouldn’t talk to each other. But when Parv made a move to talk to Danielle, Russell freaked out and said she couldn’t do that. He tried to stop her from talking to Danielle. Parv is too smart for that.

So Parv and Danielle had a talk. It’s a shame this talk did not happen before Russell won immunity.

Oh! Sandra is watching the Parv/Danielle talk.

Russell said he’s going to get Danielle off tonight. He wants to regain control after the Candice move. He wants Parvati to need him, since right now she is at least 50 percent in control.

Russell talked to Colby and Rupert about getting rid of Danielle. Bonus for Colby & Rupert!

What is Jerri going to do? She told Parv and Danielle definitely Rupert. Done deal. Of course.

But Russell played the fear card. He’s trying to SAVE Jerri with the Danielle vote, he spun it, because if they get rid of Rupert then they’ll get rid of Jerri next. That. Makes. No. Sense. If Jerri falls for that, she’s an idiot. You don’t dump a fellow Villain out of fear that you’ll be the next Villain to go.

***TRIBAL COUNCIL 2***

Ooooh the Danielle, Parv and Russell alliance is out in the open in front of Jerri. Bad idea. Danielle is crying over Russell testing her loyalty, which is how he spun the idea of telling Danielle to vote for Parvati. Danielle: “It’s too much for me right now.” Love Courtney’s “Boo hoo” from the jury.

They are fighting over Parvati. “I’m closer to Parvati than you think,” Danielle told Russell as Parv sat quietly.

Parv is probably ready to kill Danielle for saying that.

Jerri said she had absolutely no idea what just happened, but with her vote she is sealing her fate. You know Jerri is the world’s biggest hypocrite — she voted Candice out for being a flip-flopper and now she’s going to flip.

1. Rupert

2. Rupert

3. Rupert

4. Danielle

5. Danielle

6. Danielle

7. Danielle

8. Danielle

Parv to Russell: “That’s messed up.”

Russell: “Well…”

Dumbass. He should’ve kept it Russell, Parv and Danielle in the final three. Now who would be their third person? One of the real “Heroes” or Sandra, the new half-Villain/half-Hero hybrid?

***

These people are still around:

HEROES
Rupert Boneham (Pearl Islands, All-Stars)
Colby Donaldson (Australian Outback, All-Stars)

VILLAINS
Sandra Diaz (Pearl Islands)
Russell Hantz (Samoa)
Jerri Manthey (Australian Outback, All-Stars)
Parvati Shallow (Cook Islands, Fans vs. Favorites)

***

Catch up on “Survivor” recaps here in my nifty archive.

Spoilers: Want to jump ahead and find out who is eliminated next? How about the whole boot list, including this season’s winner? Read that here.

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