Mr. Night Woodchopper gets The Dumbass of the Week Award.

By Gina Carbone
gina_carbone@comcast.net

Colby Donaldson is now the only Hero left on “Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains.”

If you can consider him a Hero after the way he treated his poor brother, Reid. (Colby: “Reid, talk to me, for God’s sake!” Hee hee.)

Rupert Boneham can go touch his wife some more since his arse was toasted on “Loose Lips Sink Ships.” It’s his own fault. He made a deal with the devil and — shock! — it didn’t turn out in his favor.

I continue to be amazed that no one wants to get rid of Russell Hantz. And when I say “get rid of” I’m thinking of it in the Corleone sense. If Jerri Manthey is going to get so irritated with Rupert chopping wood at night that she wants to kill him, why can’t someone get so irritated with Russell being such a bully and a liar that they want to kill him? Jerri, did you know Russell called you and Parv “a bunch of unappreciative little bitches”?

By the way, Parvati Shallow is my Challenge Queen and Sandra Diaz-Twine is my Idol Empress.  They are my heroes. I don’t care if they are technically Villains. Considering the sorry mess we had for “Heroes,” the Villains are by far the better bet.

Remember when the Heroes were so proud of themselves?

Case in point: For the “Heroes” we have lame hypocritical quotes like this from Rupert, “In this game, I don’t need to win Survivor to know that I’m a winner.”

Whereas Sandra had this winner while playing the hidden immunity idol at Tribal Council, “I would hate to go home with the idol in my bra.”

Ha! I don’t care that she didn’t technically need to play the idol. It was fun to watch.

***STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS RECAP***

Parvati talked to Sandra after the Tribal Council. “I thought Rupert was going home.”

Meanwhile, Rupert was congratulating himself on (doing nothing) surviving another week. He thinks his chances of winning are getting better and better.

Parv talked to Jerri, who has NO IDEA what she’s doing other than enabling Russell. Parv had to tell her “He uses scare tactics.” Parv told Jerri if “those two guys” — Colby and Rupert — get to the end they win. No one should have to spell this out.

No, Parvati! Don’t say Russell is the biggest Villain of all time. That’s what he wants to hear. Parv told the camera she still needs to be nice to Russell. She needs him. Why does everyone need him?

Russell said it was telling that Parv was nervous, thinking that she was going to be sent home next. It led him to believe she really was in a stronger alliance with Danielle. But, no, it really just meant that you’re a crazy person no one can trust, Oompa.

** REWARD **

They got a phone in the tree mail. (Sprint plug!)

Colby’s brother, Reid (There’s another Donaldson boy!)

Parvati’s Dad, Mike

Sandra’s uncle Fernando (can you hear the drums?)

Russell’s much-too pretty wife, Melanie (who would marry this guy?)

Jerri’s sister, Jennifer

Rupert’s pretty wife Laura (don’t tell us about touching her)

Part of the reward is spending time with your loved one.

The family members come out and hug and kiss. Don’t the survivors smell really bad? That’s love.

What was Sandra saying about how she rode on her uncle’s bicycle? Why does everyone get so crazy emotional? I know you’re tired and starving and on an island, but it’s only been a month.

You're awesome, Sandra. I love that you and Parvati stopped to hold a giggle fit at Russell's expense. He needed that.

They have to scoop water in a bucket and pass it on to the loved one, holding their own bucket. The winner flies off somewhere with their loved one where they can eat burgers and listen to more shameless Sprint Palm Pre ads.

Colby and Parvati fall short. Melanie was doing well with Russell. Dang it. Do NOT let them go on “The Amazing Race” after this.

Colby: “Reid, talk to me, for God’s sake!” (Yikes!)

Jeff: “Colby blaming everything on his big brother. He’s been that way 34 days, Reid.”

(Jeff Probst is obsessed with Colby. Even more obsessed than I am.)

Colby: “Reid, tell me what you want!”

This is hilarious!

Russell and Melanie were leading the challenge with Jerri and Jennifer right behind.

Everyone is getting so pissy!

Rupert and Laura were close, too.

Jerri & Jennifer won!

Jerri got to take another survivor and their loved one.

Russell wanted it to be him. Jerri picked Parvati. She asked if she could pick another person. She picked Sandra. Ha!

Rupert had a romantic goodbye. Colby looked like he wanted to deck poor Reid.

Russell, never one to shy away from a wound-licking moment, told Rupert it was a terrible strategic move to take all the girls. He said it was a good thing he already got rid of Danielle, “partner.” Rupert: “You damn straight.”

Jerri, you are weak and sad. I am ashamed to be of the same gender. But at least you are not quite as weak and sad as Rupert or Colby.

So he’s already your partner, Rupert? You’re buying this? And Colby, are you really that pissed at your poor brother, who did nothing wrong? Not exactly the Hero treatment.

** FOOD AND STUFF **

Parv got to plug the photo feature on the phone. This has not been a terribly challenging season in terms of real island life. Tons of food, a phone.

Sandra’s mother died, her husband is in Afghanistan. Her favorite uncle is here and she said “if it ends for me, I’m happy now.”

Jerri said she can’t stop thinking that Russell is going to attack her for not taking him. How weak is this woman? You are equals in this game, not a little girl.

Parv said Jerri is under her and Sandra’s full protection. Like a little girl.

** BACK AT THE RANCH **

Russell’s going on about how it’s a bad decision for Jerri to take the women. Rupert was surprised that it was Parvati she chose first. Russell said she should’ve chosen a guy. He thinks he has “saved” Parv and Jerri and carried them through the game.

“I hope that burger literally tastes like a million dollars cuz that was a million dollar decision,” he said in front of the guys. You could hear Rupert say “Noooo.” Russell to the camera: “These girls are a bunch of unappreciative little bitches. Both of them.”

Unappreciative! Ha!

So now, talk about voting with your emotions, Russell told Rupert and Colby he knows he’s a villain and he’s lied, but he wants it to be them in the final three.

Colby asked if Russell could get one of the others to switch to their side. Russell said he can get Jerri to switch. He thinks he can control her the easiest.

Parvati is a huge threat for the million dollars, Russell said. He thinks she’s the only one who can beat him in the game.

Why did you yell so much at your brother when you should be yelling at yourself?

OK, stop for a minute. COLBY, why are you making deals with the #1 Villain? Mr. Integrity shouldn’t even be talking to him. Rupert — I don’t expect anything more from Rupert.

And Russell, at this point there is no way you can win. You should’ve learned from “Samoa” and instead you are playing a worse game.

** REWARD CREW BACK HOME **

Jerri wanted to talk to Russell back at the ranch, but he and Colby were sleeping. So she tried to sleep.

But Rupert was being “loud, obnoxious, selfish and completely inconsiderate.”

He decided it was the right time to chop wood and make noise and all. (Well, it’s not 100 degrees at night.)

Jerri said she’s never seen anyone so inconsiderate and stupid. She wants him gone “more than anything in the entire universe.”

Jerri, you idiot, you are playing 10 times a worse game than him. And that’s saying something.

Jerri talked to Russell. He’s back on top with her. He didn’t tell her anything about trying to get rid of Parvati.

** IMMUNITY CHALLENGE **

Weird, but simple, pole balancing challenge. They have to balance poles on their outstretched arms.

15 seconds into the challenge, Colby is the first one out. COME ON.

Less than 1 minute in, Sandra dropped out.

Russell dropped out.

Jerri dropped out.

Down to Parv and Rupert. Parv is good at these concentration/balance challenges.

17 minutes have gone by …

The concentration/balance challenges love Parvati.

Rupert finally dropped out. Parv won immunity! Love this girl!

Ha! Rupert told the camera Parvati saved herself, so hopefully Sandra is next. Is this the same Sandra who warned you that Russell was a snake? The same Sandra who has been helpful to you? Rupert, I’ve met Heroes and you are no Hero. I’m not even sure Colby is one anymore. There are no Heroes. Sob! No, wait. We still have Jeff. And Reid. I feel sorry for Reid. And I tend to like Reids anyway.

** WHO TO VOTE OUT? **

You know, now would be the time to get rid of Russell. If being irritated with someone is reason enough to dump them, never mind Rupert. It’s Russell you need to send back to his poor wife.

Russell said since he can’t get rid of Parvati, he’s going to have to flip on the guys and go back to the girls.

Sandra told Rupert she wants Russell out so bad she can taste it, but the other girls won’t go for it. Everyone wants to take Russell to the end, she said, because he’s so bad they think they can beat him. (Good plan.)

Oh my God! Rupert immediately went over to Russell and told him what Sandra said. Sandra was sitting next to Parv in the hut.

Russell: “Sandra, you with me or against me?”

Sandra: “I’m against you, Russell.”

Russell has his crazy eyes out.

Russell said he’s comfortable in this game. He knows he’s safe. WHY? Why can’t anyone dump him.

Russell kept talking to Parv and Sandra about being with or against him. Parv just giggled.

Sandra called over to Rupert: “Rupert, loose lips sink ships.”

Rupert: “Yes, they do.”

Sandra: “And yes they did.”

Parv: “Who invited Boston Rob back to the party? ‘You with me or against me?'” She and Sandra laughed.

Russell to Jerri and Rupert, a bit away from the other two: “They’re making it really easy for me.”

He’s so sensitive! Such a 12-year-old girl.

Jerri said the camp has turned into Crazy Town. She mentions Rupert and the noises again. (It’s Survivor, not the Hilton.) And now Sandra and Parv are pushing Russell’s buttons. She thinks that’s a dumb idea, but that’s because Jerri is weak and acts on fear.

Oh yeah! Sandra still has the idol. I totally forgot about that because, unlike Russell, she doesn’t play it up like finding it made her the Second Coming.

** TRIBAL COUNCIL **

Sandra talks about her argument with Russell.

I love Jeff’s analysis. He asked if it’s still Villains vs. Heroes. Parv said obviously not, what with Danielle gone. She was a solid Villain for her. (Nice way to play to the jury.) What is the benefit of switching it up, a Villain voting out a Villain, etc. There is no benefit at this point, Parv sid.

Asked what would be the benefit in voting out a Villain, Rupert said strategically, you want to show in the top 3 that you were the top Villain and even willing to turn on your own to get there because that’s the game.

What was the point of that speech? Just keep your answers short and sweet, man. Don’t pull a Danielle.

Parv: “I’m a Hero on the inside.” (Eye roll)

Sandra flashing her “Rupert” paper: “I’ll write your name again and if I’m up there in the final three you’ll still give me the million dollar vote.”

She’s awesome! Sandra’s a Survivor rock star. And she’s probably right.

Sandra stood up and played her idol. “I would hate to go home with the idol in my bra.”

HA!

1. Rupert

2. Sandra

3. Rupert

4. Sandra

5. Rupert

Colby is moping.

Ha! Rupert gave Russell an evil glare. You were hoisted by your own petard, man.

Don’t forget: The finale is this Sunday, May 16 from 8 to 10 p.m., followed by the Reunion special from 10 to 11 p.m. Don’t try to watch the show next Thursday because it won’t be there.

I’m going to miss this season.

***

The following people are still here:

HEROES
Colby Donaldson (Australian Outback, All-Stars)

VILLAINS
Sandra Diaz (Pearl Islands)
Russell Hantz (Samoa)
Jerri Manthey (Australian Outback, All-Stars)
Parvati Shallow (Cook Islands, Fans vs. Favorites)

***

Catch up on “Survivor” recaps here in my nifty archive.

Spoilers: Want to jump ahead and find out who is eliminated next? How about the whole boot list, including this season’s winner? Read that here.

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