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Get your hands off my Nigel! Quick, Miss J, smother Tyra with that orange thing you're draped in!

It’s like she’s daring us now.

All the crazy “Pot Ledom” stuff. Tookie. The branding words. The insane challenges. The “All-Stars” disqualification of Angelea Preston with no explanation. The failure to give any kind of award — even for Most Patient Model To Sit Through This Crap — to Allison Harvard.

All of it. It’s like Tyra Banks is daring us to keep watching “America’s Next Top Model.”

Last week on Cycle 18, “British Invasion” — which, yes, I am still watching — they dumped one of the frontrunners, AzMarie, for refusing to wear a (sigh) “booty tooch pad” in Tyra’s tooch class. That’s where we are now.

But all of that, somehow, I can stand. I’ll shake my head, but I can stand it. But I wake up today and — lo and behold — my three favorite people on the show have just been fired: sexy noted fashion photographer Nigel Barker, the fabulous runway diva coach extraordinaire Miss J. Alexander, and the on-shoot style director/therapist, Ice Man Jay Manuel.

I can’t see the end game with this.

Are they seriously thinking this will help ratings — because ratings are down because of Nigel and the Jays? Ratings are not down because of Nigel and the Jays. We all know ratings are down because:

1. Lisa won “All-Stars” instead of Allison.

2. There’s been no explanation about Angelea.

3. The show has just gotten too bizarre and too much about Tyra’s own ego as opposed to finding raw new talent and supporting it.

Kelly Cutrone was added to the judges’ table this cycle and so far it sounds like she’s still going to be around. She gets to stay, the guys have to go. Unbelievable. I really think they must want the show to end so they’re going to go out of their way to kill it.

If you are still curious/sad/determined enough to still want to keep up with ANTM news, be sure to check out for all kinds of daily updates, polls and my recaps. I want Sophie to win this cycle, and not just because she’s best friends with Hermione Granger. It won’t change everything that’s happened but Sophie winning would end the men’s reign on a high-ish note.


Is Allison the real winner of this current cycle, without even showing up?

Loyalty! Such a prized commodity nowadays. Could it be that “America’s Next Top Model” fans are more loyal to Allison Harvard than Tyra Banks?

According to TV by the Numbers (via, only 1.3 million people tuned in to the Cycle 18 “British Invasion” premiere and the show pulled a 0.6 in the coveted 18-49 demo. For comparison, that 0.6 is 45% worse than the spring 2011 premiere.

Why? According to the comments under Wetpaint’s story, the general consensus is “IT’S COS ALLISON LOST.”

So far I really like Scottish Ashley and British Annaliese of the “British Invasion” cycle.

Yes. Maybe. Probably.

But I agree with the guy who wrote “It’s because Alisson lost AND because they disqualified Angelea without giving any explanations at all.”

I would add AND because having Americans compete against seasoned British models makes even less sense for AMERICA’S Next Top Model than everything else they do.

That said, there’s no way I wouldn’t watch. In fact, I’m writing recaps of Cycle 18 for Wetpaint. If you are boycotting the show but still want to know what happens, why not read the recaps of a devoted Allison fan like me? If you feel like it, check out my premiere recap here. They do a “power rankings” style recap and, right now, I’m fond of the Scottish girl. I like all the Brits best.

I’m also recapping the “Kris Jenner” episode tonight and you can read my recap Tuesday a.m. here at Wetpaint’s ANTM site.

Here's the cast! (front row) Kayla, Chelsey, Kendal, Ann, Esther, Lexie, Liz, Jane (back row) Kacey, Sara, Free, Anamaria, Chris, Terra Photo Credit: Jessica Brooks / Pottle Productions © 2010 Pottle Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

“America’s Next Top Model” can never make up its mind.

Here's Rhianna! I have no idea why there's so much gray space around her. Why didn't they crop in?

Most of the time Tyra Banks and company work hard to smash stereotypes and reject labels.

But on the cycle 15 premiere, “Welcome to High Fashion,” the girls were all put into categories like Quirky, Blondes, Brunettes and Sexy and pitted against each other.

Anyway, I’m definitely a Quirky girl.

My two favorites right now are striking 6 ft 1½ inch Rhianna Atwood, 20, of San Diego — who impressed the judges with her willow tree poses, earning the nickname “Willow” —  and the painfully awkward  6 ft 2 in Ann Ward, 19, of Dallas, Texas, who was already put through the tabloid wringer when the clip of the judges measuring her tiny waist went viral.

Don’t blame her because her whole family has high metabolisms. I’m jealous, but that’s not her problem.

My other favorite is 5 ft 11 in Kendal Brown, 23, of Northport, Alabama. And not just because it’s hilarious that she has a thing against semen.

Unlike past cycles, which have been about introducing models into mainstream America, this season is about high fashion. That means weird and quirky looking is better than commercial and pretty. Or even ugly pretty, I guess.

As Tyra explained it, what took her four years to accomplish she’s going to help one girl make happen in 12 weeks.

Here's tall, awkward Ann.

The winner will have her career launched with two fashion spreads in Vogue Italia and an additional spread and cover in Beauty In Vogue. She will also be signed with IMG.

It’s not just the public liking the winner anymore, Tyra says. The fashion industry has to like her too.

Which probably means 5 ft 8½ in Terra White, 24, Arlington, Texas will be the first one out. Unless she takes amazing photos next week. She’s the shortest and the oldest and she’s pretty but not in an unusual way.

Besides, I think both Chris and Terra made it because it’s cute to see the sisters bonding in happiness.

I think for high fashion acceptance someone really striking and unusual is going to have to win.

I happened to visit the cycle 15 Wikipedia page earlier today and for some reason someone posted the entire Tyra call out order for the season. People do this sometimes and they are usually wrong/lying, but it may be worth noting that — *potential spoiler alert* — they had Terra as the one to go home first and 5 ft 9 in Jane Randall, 19, of Baltimore, Maryland as the winner. Cutesy curly-haired Kayla Ferrel, 19, of Rockford, Illinois was listed as the runner-up.

That intel is gone now, but I captured it in a photo  in case it turns out to be an accurate list of spoilers. Check it out, below, at your own risk.

Anyway, not only do we have high fashion, we already have high drama.

Kendal "I don't like semen" Brown

Kacey has been on ANTM before — she questioned Isis as a valid model option because she’s transgender. Kacey had been bonding with Lexie when Lexie told her about how Jordan seemed like she didn’t want to be there. Something about being counter-culture and not caring about pop culture or whatnot. So Kasey pulled a “Bachelorette” type of “someone is here for the wrong reasons!” callout.  She put Lexie on the spot and Lexie felt like she was used as a pawn. Lesson: Watch who you bitch to.

When the girls first met the judges they made some interesting impressions:

Squealy, teary Kayla got sent out to have her curls brushed out. My hair looks that curly too and I wish I could just straighten it every day. Tyra loves her cute personality.

Rhianna is quirky with her hat and her boho look and her weeping willow. She loves looking like a freak. I like her.

Esther was born in Israel. She’s a modern orthodox Jew. She can’t have days off as a model and she’s willing to compromise for that. She’s got a 30G chest. (!) Having that bust side is going to be a problem, Jay says, but Tyra says Esther holds her Gs better than she holds her Ds.

Chelsey was told she was too fat to model when she was thinner than she is now.

There’s already a race war. Someone read Emily’s diary where she supposedly wrote that she almost had to room with a black girl “Eww.” So a group of black girls talked to her about it. The problem with this is you can’t really take the moral high ground after you’ve read a person’s diary without their permission. It takes the strength out of their arguments.

POSSIBLE SPOILER ALERT! This may or may not be the real call out order of the season. Chances are it's just some jerk taking over Wikipedia.

Emily got called out on the runway for what she wrote. She said she meant it as a diss to one girl in particular and she didn’t know her name so she just labeled her as “black.” Tyra hopes she learned a lesson. True, but anyone feel like bringing up that the other girls should learn a lesson about going through other people’s things? Or that Tyra and company have been encouraging labels through the entire episode?

Jane goes to Princeton. She was found through Tyra’s website. She comes off to Miss J as privileged.

Liz is pretty but hard. She has a baby and is working and in school and on food stamps.

Sara raps for the judges. She has a baby too.

Kendal almost hides from the judges, she’s so nervous. She was also found on She’s “pure.” “I don’t like semen.” Ha! She’s never been out of Alabama. Tyra thinks she’s one of the most beautiful top models they’ve ever seen.

Anamaria is obsessed with IMG.

Ann walks in and everyone’s eyes go wide. Tyra says she has the smallest waist in the world. This is the girl that got all the advance PR. Everyone in her family has fast metabolisms. She’s been called too tall before. She’s 6’2. Tyra likes her awkwardness. It hurts when people stare at her, she says.

Lexie thinks Ann will crack. Lexie can’t stop with her mouth, can she.

So is Jane going to win or was that list just posted by one of Jane's relatives?

Sisters Chris and Terra come in together. Chris is the taller and younger one.

Jordan is in an artist and in a band. She’s not a fan of ignorant and dumb people. She wants to break the mold. She’s anti-consumerism and yet she’s on ANTM. Hmm…

Lexie gets called Uma Thurman all the time? She looks nothing like Uma Thurman. She left home when she was 14. Her mom had her when she was 16. They don’t get along. Does Lexie get along with anyone?

Vanessa is the “rich bitch” Miss Minnesota Teen USA, blah blah blah. She has a pageant walk. She’s got some Megan Fox going on. Pretty and sexy, but not high fashion.

There are 32 place cards, 20 will be “invited” to the Cynthia Rowley party.

Vanessa was “excused,” which means she didn’t make it. She thinks she’ll be on the big screen sooner or later. (Adult films?) Emily was excused, too. Go write that in your diary.

For the photo shoot, they paired the girls up with who they think their real competition will be.

Tyra and the Js went over each girl in her category to decide on their final 14.

Jay loves the elegance and grace about blonde Anamaria. But she fell into the background during the group shoot. Freckled Chelsey stood out in that shot.

Esther is in the sexy group, but she hid her boobs well. Sara can transcend high fashion like Gisele.

When Kacey took her glasses off she looked old. Kendal needs development.

Of the sisters, Chris has the round face and Terra is more angular.

Jane is quite beautiful but squealy Kayla killed Jane in the two-shot without doing anything.

Everyone thinks Ann has potential, but she is lost now. Rhianna is “so special” and her nickname is now “Willow.”

Lexie needs training. Jordan looks crazy.

Here’s the call-out list:

1. Anamaria Mirdita, 19, Queens, New York, 5 ft 10 in
2. Kendal Brown, 23, Northport, Alabama, 5 ft 11 in
3. Rhianna Atwood, 20, San Diego, California, 6 ft 1½ in
4. Chris White, 20, Arlington, Texas, 5 ft 10½ in
5. Jane Randall, 19, Baltimore, Maryland, 5 ft 9 in
6. Chelsey Hersley, 22, Boise, Idaho,  5 ft 11 in
7. Lyzbeth “Liz” Williams, 21,, Arlington, Texas, 5 ft 10 in
8. Sara Blackamore, 21, Menifee, California, 5 ft 10 in
9. Lexie Tomcheck, 18, Geneva, Illinois, 6 ft 0 in
10. Esther Petrack, 18, Boston, Massachusetts, 5 ft 9 in
11. Kacey Leggett, 20, Palmdale, California, 5 ft 9 in
12. Kayla Ferrel, 19, Rockford, Illinois, 5 ft 9 in
13. Ann Ward, 19, Dallas, Texas, 6 ft 2 in
14. Terra White, 24, Arlington, Texas, 5 ft 8½ in

So the sisters made it. Jordan sobbed like being cut was the end of the world. She put on such a fake front about being counter-cultural and now she’s distraught that she didn’t make the 15th cycle of “Top Model.”

MEET THE 14 TOP MODELS (some of their answers are priceless)


Age: 19
Hometown: Queens, New York
Occupation: Unemployed
Height: 5’10”
Favorite Designer: Alexander Wang
Favorite Shoe: boot
Must-Have Photo Shoot Accessory: myself
Would Never Wear: gangstah clothing
If Trapped On An Island, Would Bring: my boyfriend

Age: 19
Hometown: Dallas, Texas
Height: 6’2″
Occupation: Student
Favorite Designer: Betsey Johnson
Favorite Shoe: flats
Must-Have Photo Shoot Accessory: eyeliner
Would Never Wear: holiday sweaters
If Trapped On An Island, Would Bring: satellite phone


Age: 22
Hometown: Boise, Idaho
Height: 5’10 ¾”
Occupation: Waitress
Favorite Designer: Karl Lagerfield
Favorite Shoe: ankle boots (high heel, of course)
Must-Have Photo Shoot Accessory: mascara
Would Never Wear: high water bell bottoms
If Trapped On An Island, Would Bring: sunscreen


Chris. No idea why her bio is so short.

Age: 20
Hometown: Arlington, Texas
Height: 5’10 ½”

Age: 18
Hometown: Boston, Massachusetts
Height: 5’9″
Occupation: Student
Favorite Designer: Oscar de la Renta, Missoni, Marc Jacobs
Favorite Shoe: slippers
Must-Have Photo Shoot Accessory: sweater (the air conditioning is always on and I’m freezing)


Would Never Wear: hot pants
If Trapped On An Island, Would Bring: food!

Age: 19
Hometown: Baltimore, Maryland
Height: 5’9″
Occupation: Student
Favorite Designer: Ralph Lauren
Favorite Shoe: sandals
Must-Have Photo Shoot Accessory: coffee
Would Never Wear: Duke basketball jersey
If Trapped On An Island, Would Bring: books

Age: 20
Hometown: Palmdale, California
Height: 5’9″


Occupation: Dance Teacher
Favorite Designer: Rocco Barocco
Favorite Shoe: boots
Must-Have Photo Shoot Accessory: Tancho wax stick, razor
Would Never Wear: pleather catwoman suit
If Trapped On An Island, Would Bring: my hot comb

Age: 19
Hometown: Rockford, Illinois
Height: 5’9″
Occupation: Waitress
Favorite Designer: Stella McCartney
Favorite Shoe: high heels


Must-Have Photo Shoot Accessory: music
Would Never Wear: over-alls
If Trapped On An Island, Would Bring: cell phone

Age: 23
Hometown: Northport, Alabama
Height: 5’11”
Occupation: Unemployed
Favorite Designer: Versace
Favorite Shoe: a comfortable one
Must-Have Photo Shoot Accessory: my man
Would Never Wear: animal print
If Trapped On An Island, Would Bring: cell phone


Age: 18
Hometown: Geneva, Illinois
Height: 6′
Occupation: Unemployed
Favorite Designer: Marc Jacobs
Favorite Shoe: Toms
Must-Have Photo Shoot Accessory: Vaseline (sounds weird but it is helpful!)
Would Never Wear: hammer pants
If Trapped On An Island, Would Bring: my best friend

Age: 21
Hometown: Arlington, Texas
Height: 5’10”


Occupation: Shoe Sales Rep
Favorite Designer: Kimora Lee Simmons
Favorite Shoe: 5″ black leather pumps with buckles and straps
Must-Have Photo Shoot Accessory: my eyebrow and/or nose piercing
Would Never Wear: granny panties
If Trapped On An Island, Would Bring: my car!

Age: 20
Hometown: San Diego, California
Height: 6’1 ½”
Occupation: World explorin’, dance feverin’, people lovin’, wild child!
Favorite Designer: Viktor & Rolf, Prada, Zac Posen
Favorite Shoe: whatever it is, its high as hell!
Must-Have Photo Shoot Accessory: my imagination
Would Never Wear: cheap clothes


If Trapped On An Island, Would Bring: magic

Age: 21
Hometown: Menifee, California
Height: 5’10”
Occupation: Mother
Favorite Designer: Proenza Schouler
Favorite Shoe: flip flops
Must-Have Photo Shoot Accessory: lip gloss
Would Never Wear: my grandma’s clothing


If Trapped On An Island, Would Bring: Diet Coke

Age: 24
Hometown: Arlington, Texas
Height: 5’8 ½”
Occupation: Unemployed
Favorite Designer: Alexander McQueen
Favorite Shoe: Converse
Must-Have Photo Shoot Accessory: energy drink
Would Never Wear: I have a unique style so I pretty much wear anything.
If Trapped On An Island, Would Bring: cell phone


Check out my “America’s Next Top Model” recaps and stories from past cycles in this nifty archive.

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