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This is not the scoop of crispy you're looking for.

“The crispy.”

I love it. From now on, everything I want but can’t get in life will be referred to as “the crispy.”

On “Survivor: Redemption Island” episode 7, “It Don’t Take A Smart One,” God + Matt Elrod gave shrill chatterbox Stephanie Valencia the permanent boot. Now God + Matt will take on weak Sarita White.

What do you think, six for six for God + Matt? Will he get to go back in the game?

Sarita vs. Matt. Is there any doubt at all?

I really don’t care what Zapatera does and at this point it seems like the editors don’t care either.

The Zaps lost the rainy, muddy, disgusting reward and immunity challenge and had to go to Tribal Council, but who cares? Without Russell Hantz and his beyotches, not even Ralph Kiser can make them interesting.

And David Murphy is not as smart as he thinks, since he put himself in the position of backing two annoying girls who were clearly going to leave early. How was that a strong strategy? He should take his own advice to Sarita and “Don’t get too confident.”

It doesn’t sound like he has an alliance going into next week … but, then again, next week is the merge so he can sell himself as a free agent. OK, the jury is still out on David. The rest of the tribe didn’t know the merge was coming. If they did, they probably would’ve kept loyal Sarita. I think they should’ve kept her either way. Loyalty trumps strength. Foa Foa foursome.

By the way, that was a good challenge for once. It’s still not on par with the water challenges of the old days, but it was a refreshingly demanding challenge.

And you know who rocked it? My boy Grant Mattos. He’s the challenge king. And he gets hotter by the day. And he’s smart to let the leadership role of the tribe fall to Boston Rob while the annoying person role clearly goes to Phillip Sheppard. More on Phillip in just a second.

For the reward, Ometepe got to fly to an active volcano, which was very “Bachelorette” Season 6 of them. (Poor Matt deserves to go on stuff like this.) While everyone was stuffing their faces, Rob dipped his hand into the jar of those cylindrical cookies and found another idol clue. (I would’ve accidentally eaten it.) I was just wondering how many freaking idols are on the island when he threw the thing (litter bug!) into the volcano because he already found the idol. How does he know there’s only one?

Hot and not. Although, this is not the best shot of Grant.

But the really interesting dynamic on Ometepe is not Rob’s constant Robfather domination, the uselessness of the pageant twins or even the hotness of Grant. It’s Phillip.

Phillip was not allowed to have any of the popular crispy brown rice because it’s Boston Rob’s favorite. Phillip took extreme offense to this, ranting at the two useless girls plus cool Andrea and hot Grant that they all got scoops of crispy rice, so he should too.

He’s a 52-year-old man and the senior member of the tribe. (Does that come with special benefits and a pay raise?) But they shouldn’t make a mountain out of a mole hill about it. Because that’s his job!

Phillip and his chaperone, Rob, observed the Redemption Island challenge and Phillip called Matt a true samurai warrior, which cuts dangerously close to Coach 1.0 territory. Can they go on “The Amazing Race” together?

By the way, Jeff Probst said there’d be alcohol on the reward. Did Phillip imbibe? The possibility of a drunk Phillip just opens so many doors.

Phillip said the girls are sharing Rob’s underwear. (Does Amber know/care?) Phillip is done with Rob. He wants Rob out. Rob knows this and he must know a merge is coming. (And it looks like it’s coming next week!) Should Ometepe have thrown a challenge to get rid of Phillip? I know some people think Zapatera throwing their own challenge was a bad idea, but they had to get rid of Krista and Stephanie before they switched sides, so I thought it was smart.

Right now I’m on Team Matt. And Team Grant, with a side order of Team Andrea. And, hell, Team Phillip. He’s amusing. And he feels left out. If Ometepe just included him, they wouldn’t have this problem.

Catch up on my “Survivor” stories in this archive.

These people are playing the game:

Ometepe Tribe

* Grant Mattos, 29, West Hollywood; former NFLer, yoga instructor
* Phillip Sheppard, 52, Santa Monica; technology executive
* Natalie Tenerelli, 19, Acton, Calif.; professional dancer
* Ashley Underwood, 25, Benton, Maine; nurse
* Andrea Boehlke, 21, Random Lake, Wis.; student
* “Boston Rob” Rob Mariano
* Francesca Hogi, 36, Washington D.C.; attorney— 1st sent to Redemption Island
* Matt Elrod, 22, Nashville; pre-med student — 2nd sent to Redemption Island
* Kristina Kell, 46, Malibu; law student — 4th sent to Redemption Island

Zapatera Tribe

* Mike Chiesl, 31, Del Mar, Calif.; former Marine
* Ralph Kiser, 44, Lebanon, Va.; farmer
* David Murphy, 31, West Hollywood; defense attorney
* Julie Wolfe, 50, Oceanside, Calif.; firefighter
* Steve Wright, 51, Huntington Beach, Calif.; former NFL player
* Russell Hantz — 3rd sent to Redemption Island
* Krista Klumpp, 25, Columbia, S.C.; pharmaceutical rep. — 5th sent to Redemption Island
* Stephanie Valencia, 25, Long Beach, Calif.; waitress — 6th sent to Redemption Island
* Sarita White, 36, Santa Monica; visual effects producer — 7th sent to Redemption Island, aka “Matt’s Island”

Sorry, Jeff. I know you wanted your boyfriend to stay longer.

Bwahahaha! Bwahahahahahaha!

He had two chances and he blew both of them. And then he cried. Tee hee.

Russell Hantz is gone. Permanently. He said this is his last time playing “Survivor.” And thank heaven for it.

Matt Elrod (Fabio 2.0) beat him in the (lame) Redemption Island domino challenge. Was he really crying or did he pull a Michelle Money? By the way, I LOVED the soft princess music they had for him while he sobbed.

Jeff Probst wondered if he was crying out of embarrassment or what?

I do wish Redemption Island itself were a little cooler.

Russell: “I respect this game too much to go out this way.” Then he started insulting his tribe for throwing the challenge to get rid of him. He called himself the a “professional quarterback” with pee wee players on his team. Right.

Then Ralph Kiser — one of the challenge witnesses — did some weird fake-out with his idol, telling Russell he found it within 15 seconds of the game. He started to show it to Russell, then backed off on Sarita White’s advisement.

Then Phillip “Special Agent” Sheppard weighed in, because no moment is complete without his input. He said he could tell that Ralph had an idol. It’s his job to tell when people are lying. (And to sweep the floor at the crack of dawn. And to be the season’s resident crazy person/Coach 2.0.)

Russell decided he could still play in the game via Phillip and his pink tighty whities. So he played spoiler king (something he’s familiar with) and spilled all of his tribe’s secrets. Bitter much?

So now Stephanie Valencia and Krista Klumpp are permanently stuck with “the goobers.” The storm is coming for them. Especially Stephanie.

Holy crap Grant is hot. Please show more of him.

And Russell, like Francesca before him, is rooting for sweet Matt to win. Rooting from afar, of course. As Russell said before the Redemption Island challenge, “If this was the real world I’d be rooting for Matt.” Just like with Brett Clouser on “Samoa.” Matt is the new prayer warrior.

Matt is in a good position right now. So is Boston Rob Mariano, after finding that idol. He, at least, has learned something from his past seasons.

I wish Kristina Kell had been given more time in the game — strong, strategic women are hard to come by — but “Survivor: Redemption Island” without Phillip would be so much less amusing.

Loving this season so far…

Catch up on my “Survivor” stories in this archive.

These people are playing the game:

Ometepe Tribe

* Francesca Hogi, 36, Washington D.C.; attorney— 1st sent to Redemption Island, 1st permanently eliminated
* Matt Elrod, 22, Nashville; pre-med student — 2nd sent to Redemption Island
* Kristina Kell, 46, Malibu; law student — 4th sent to Redemption Island
* Grant Mattos, 29, West Hollywood; former NFLer, yoga instructor
* Phillip Sheppard, 52, Santa Monica; technology executive
* Natalie Tenerelli, 19, Acton, Calif.; professional dancer
* Ashley Underwood, 25, Benton, Maine; nurse
* Andrea Boehlke, 21, Random Lake, Wis.; student
* “Boston Rob” Rob Mariano

Zapatera Tribe

* Mike Chiesl, 31, Del Mar, Calif.; former Marine
* Ralph Kiser, 44, Lebanon, Va.; farmer
* Krista Klumpp, 25, Columbia, S.C.; pharmaceutical rep.
* David Murphy, 31, West Hollywood; defense attorney
* Stephanie Valencia, 25, Long Beach, Calif.; waitress
* Sarita White, 36, Santa Monica; visual effects producer
* Julie Wolfe, 50, Oceanside, Calif.; firefighter
* Steve Wright, 51, Huntington Beach, Calif.; former NFL player
* Russell Hantz — 3rd sent to Redemption Island, 2nd permanently eliminated

I like having another Fabio to stare at, but this one needs to stop showing off his undies. Who does he think he is, Chase?

Rob Mariano seems like he’s back in The Robfather role on “Survivor: Redemption Island,” but I don’t know… He and Russell Hantz are back to playing their 1.0 games and the whole “Redemption Island” thing seems to be getting lost in the shuffle.

I get Rob wanting to prevent another Rob + Amber, but was it smart to vote out Matt Elrod on Episode 2, just because:

1. He flirted with Andrea Boehlke
2. He — gasp! — showed good sportsmanship after his tribe, Ometepe, lost the reward/immunity challenge
3. He’s the biggest male threat in his alliance?

I vote no.

Because Matt is now going to meet Francesca Hogi on Redemption Island. It’s possible that Francesca will beat Matt, but it’s also possible that Matt is truly another Fabio clone and will dominate in whatever challenge they throw at him.

*
Pause for a brief spoiler break:

The very limited and probably wrong spoilers out there have said that Matt is part of a core alliance that does well. There were even mutterings that he might make the final 3. Wrong? Right? Who knows. They also said Matt and Natalie Tenerelli had a flirtation, when it looks like (so far) it’s really Matt and Andrea.

End spoiler break!

*

Now what? I love how big you're playing, Kristina, but now you have no idol and no allies.

I feel like the Matt decision may come back to haunt Rob. He should’ve voted out Phillip Sheppard, who said the episode’s title to Rob: “You Own My Vote.”

So use it, Rob. Send former-federal-agent-and-current-lion Phillip to Redemption Island to do what he wants to do — face his “nemesis,” Francesca/Francesqua. (Maybe he should just call her Fran.)

Or (wild idea) vote out a weak player so your tribe might actually start winning a few challenges.

Meanwhile, Russell Hantz has turned into the clown of his own season. He’s back to collecting pretty young things, telling anyone who’ll listen that he’s Russell Hantz. He’s that good!

But while he’s playing Russell 1.0, his nemesis — the exceptionally hairy Ralph Kiser — has become Russell 2.0, the kinder softer version the real Russell should’ve tried to be.

Ralph now has an idol. He found it without a clue while … uh … looking for rocks? Russell has an idol clue. Does he have the clue to the idol that was already found? How many idols are out there?

And why isn’t Redemption Island its own cool little island in the middle of nowhere? Why does it look like any other beach?

Right now only about a handful of players have gotten any real camera time — Rob, Russell, Ralph, the power-playing Kristina Kell, crazy Phillip, Russell’s #1 gal, Stephanie Valencia, and Rob’s #1 gal, Natalie. Mike Chiesl may have some potential, but it’s quiet potential right now. That’s probably for the best.

Considering how Rob & Russell are so patronizing to the girls they believe they’ll have to carry to the end, I am rooting for Kristina at this point. I’m also rooting for Matt to beat Francesca, but only to show Rob that he’s not as in control of this game as he thinks.

But most of the people on the show have not said more than two words, so I have no idea who I’ll be rooting for by the end. Has Julie Wolfe even said one word? How about my boy David Murphy? Move the cameras off Rob for a second, please!

Catch up on my “Survivor” stories in this archive.

These people are still around:

Ometepe Tribe

* Francesca Hogi, 36, Washington D.C.; attorney— 1st sent to Redemption Island
* Matt Elrod, 22, Nashville; pre-med student — 2nd sent to Redemption Island
* Kristina Kell, 46, Malibu; law student
* Grant Mattos, 29, West Hollywood; former NFLer, yoga instructor
* Phillip Sheppard, 52, Santa Monica; technology executive
* Natalie Tenerelli, 19, Acton, Calif.; professional dancer
* Ashley Underwood, 25, Benton, Maine; nurse
* Andrea Boehlke, 21, Random Lake, Wis.; student
* “Boston Rob” Rob Mariano

Zapatera Tribe

* Mike Chiesl, 31, Del Mar, Calif.; former Marine
* Ralph Kiser, 44, Lebanon, Va.; farmer
* Krista Klumpp, 25, Columbia, S.C.; pharmaceutical rep.
* David Murphy, 31, West Hollywood; defense attorney
* Stephanie Valencia, 25, Long Beach, Calif.; waitress
* Sarita White, 36, Santa Monica; visual effects producer
* Julie Wolfe, 50, Oceanside, Calif.; firefighter
* Steve Wright, 51, Huntington Beach, Calif.; former NFL player
* Russell Hantz

Here's the Ometepe Tribe, before Rob Mariano joins in.

By Gina Carbone
opus619@gmail.com

If the headline didn’t make it clear, I know nothing. Not that I ever did, but my nothing has sunk to new lows.

I love spoilers, but “Survivor: Redemption Island” is extra tricky because of the recent hullabaloo between Missyae, Russell Hantz and CBS. Everyone is on egg shells, Missyae is no longer spoiling in Survivor Sucks and “boot list” is apparently a four-letter word.

But I’ve been trying to piece together random asides from Blackwhale on Survivor Sucks, Missyae on Survivor Skills and photos posted on TrueDorkTimes, as well as Sucks. (*Update* I also added spoilers from RealityTVSpoilers.net)

Keep an eye on Natalie and Matt.

Long story short: Things will probably go well for a “core” Ometepe alliance, which likely includes Natalie Tenerelli (who supposedly dated Ben Henry, aka Benry from “Survivor: Nicaragua”) and Matt Elrod (who looks like Fabio from “Nicaragua”) and probably Ashley Underwood. And maybe Andrea Boehlke.

Natalie and Matt may hook up, too. Showmance? Yes? No? (That’s what they said, but it sounds like “they” may have confused Natalie and Andrea. Andrea and Matt seem to be the couple of the season.)

***

April 28 UPDATE: I think Andrea Boehlke is going to win. If not, I think it’s Ashley Underwood. Here’s why.

May 15 finale UPDATE: Nope! These spoilers suck! Read my full live finale blog! Boston Rob won. Ugh.

***

Anyway, here are the pieces I’ve found and you can put them together (or discount them completely) yourselves:

***

Ometepe Tribe

* Andrea Boehlke, 21, Random Lake, Wis.; student
* Matt Elrod, 22, Nashville; pre-med student
* Francesca Hogi, 36, Washington D.C.; attorney
* Kristina Kell, 46, Malibu; law student
* Grant Mattos, 29, West Hollywood; former NFLer, yoga instructor
* Phillip Sheppard, 52, Santa Monica; technology executive
* Natalie Tenerelli, 19, Acton, Calif.; professional dancer
* Ashley Underwood, 25, Benton, Maine; nurse
* “Boston Rob” Rob Mariano

Here's Zapatera, before Russell joins the fun.

Zapatera Tribe

* Mike Chiesl, 31, Del Mar, Calif.; former Marine
* Ralph Kiser, 44, Lebanon, Va.; farmer
* Krista Klumpp, 25, Columbia, S.C.; pharmaceutical rep.
* David Murphy, 31, West Hollywood; defense attorney
* Stephanie Valencia, 25, Long Beach, Calif.; waitress
* Sarita White, 36, Santa Monica; visual effects producer
* Julie Wolfe, 50, Oceanside, Calif.; firefighter
* Steve Wright, 51, Huntington Beach, Calif.; former NFL player
* Russell Hantz
***

Missyae’s look at this year’s cast:

Andrea Boehlke – -  Love this player. Smart, strong, social, got it all. A serious threat
Ashley Underwood – The Total Package, another serious threat
Francesa Hogi – - – Why do they always cast black females and edit them mouthy? No chance to win
Grant Mattos – - -  I really like this guy, he could be dangerous
Kristina Kell – - – - One of my favorites but shes too much like me, wide open, early alliance wont save her
Matt Elrod – - – - – Might be too nice, if its between him and another alliance member, he would be in trouble?
Natalie Tenerelli – - Of course all the talk is about her because of dating Benry, did she talk? I dunno, but he did
Phillip Sheppard – - Dude, wrong strategy, wow
Rob Mariano – - – - Cant win the title but will win fan favorite. Great alliance, great player, simply put, The Man!!!

David Murphy – - – Booksmart, will that translate to Game smart?? Maybe he outsmarts himself
Julie Wolfe – - – - Wrong, wrong, wrong
Kristina Klumpp – - The Natalie look alike wont win but might surprise some people with a move
Mike Chiesl – - – - Tough guy, strong, smart, definite threat
Ralph Kiser – - – - Definitely has some youtube moments but will not win, he dont take no crap
Sarita White – - – Silent Assasin
Stephanie Valencia – Not very smart and in way over her head
Steve Wright – - – Good guy
Russell Hantz – - Should have never changed your game style, no final 3 for you anymore, toast

***

Blackwhale: 22 Leagues Under the Sea forum on Survivor Sucks:

(Click the link for a lot more; I’m just adding a few of his notes)

Matt, Ashley and Natalie may have actually hung out pretty recently.

Matt Elrod is also a part of the core Ometepe alliance, which if you haven’t yet figured out, does very well.

Two people are “redeemed” and I believe one is male one is female. One at around the merge and the other at the finale, as you all know from call sheets.

Natalie Tenerelli fans will be happy to know she’s one of the last two girls standing.

Forgot to mention, Natalie Tenerelli and Ashley Underwood work very well together!

Rob Mariano outlasts Russell Hantz.

Ashley aligns with Rob and then outlasts him.

Stephanie Valencia = Marisa Calihan? That may be so. Not quite sure if its Ometepe or Zapatera that goes to tribal council first, but when Zapatera goes, look for Stephanie to go quick. She and Russell clash.

Seems like a lot of people here don’t like David too much, but sorry to say he does fairly well for himself. I hear he is linked in with the Krista/Russell alliance. He’s a pretty good player. I think Krista’s the only one who doesn’t turn against Russell though. Just like Ashley outlasts her ally Rob, I am pretty sure Krista does better than Russell.

***

*NEW* (click link below for updates)

RealityTVSpoilers.net’s spoilers:

Castaways voted out for good:
-Francesca Hogi

Castaways sent to Redemption Island early:
-Matt Elrod
-Russell Hantz
-Stephanie Valencia
-Phillip Sheppard
-Kristina Kell

Castaways who may or may not make merge:
-Ralph “Rooster” Kiser
-Julie Wolfe
-Steve Wright
-Krista Klumpp
-Grant Mattos

Castaways who make the merge:
-Mike Chiesl
-Sarita White
-David Murphy
-Boston Rob (probably comes in 5th or 6th)
-Andrea Boehlke (could be in the Final 3)
-Ashley Underwood (could be in the Final 3)
-Natalie Tenerelli (could be in the Final 3)

***

Catch up on my past “Survivor” stories (and future recaps) in this nifty archive.

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