That Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce ad should’ve mentioned that secretaries either marry executives, get pregnant by them, run over their feet, or die.

April 1 update: Check out my Week 2 mini recap and quotes: Quotes from ‘Mad Men’ Season 5 Episode 3, ‘Tea Leaves’: ‘Who Smells Like Pee?’

April 8 update: Week 3 recap and quotes: Recap and 15 Quotes from ‘Mad Men’ Season 5 Episode 4, ‘Mystery Date’

April 15 update‘Mad Men’ Season 5 Episode 5, ‘Signal 30′ Recap & Quotes: Lane Fights Pete!

April 22 update: ‘Mad Men’ Season 5 Episode 6 ‘Far Away Places’ recap & quotes: ‘Love Leave’ ends

April 29 update: ‘Mad Men’ Season 5 Episode 7 ‘At the Codfish Ball’ Recap & Quotes: Daddy’s Girls

May 6 update: ‘Mad Men’ Season 5 Episode 8 ‘Lady Lazarus’ Recap & Quotes: Megan Quits! Yay?

May 13 update: ‘Mad Men’ Season 5 Episode 9 ‘Dark Shadows’ Recap & Quotes: Happy Envy Day?

May 20 update: ‘Mad Men’ Season 5 Episode 10, ‘Christmas Waltz’ recap & quotes: Hare Krishna?!

May 27 update: ‘Mad Men’ Season 5 Episode 11, ‘The Other Woman’ Recap & Quotes: Sex Sells (Out)

June 3 update: ‘Mad Men’ Season 5 Episode 12 ‘Commissions and Fees’ Recap & Quotes: Lane Closed

June 10 update: Mad Men Season 5 finale recap & quotes: ‘Are you alone?’ Don chases The Phantom

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“Mad Men” (finally!) just aired the two-hour premiere of Season 5, “A Little Kiss.” Basically, everyone is bitter and cynical this season. And it upsets Megan. One mustn’t upset Megan Draper! She has taken over Don Draper’s life, Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce’s copywriting desk and the “Mad Men” 5 premiere. Don married her but we shouldn’t all have to put up with her, “Zou Bisou Bisou” or not.

Here are my 21 favorite quotes from the premiere, in order of their appearance:

1. Black woman protester [on the white water bomb throwing executives]: “And they call us savages.”

2. Don Draper [to Sally, on Betty and Henry]: “Give Morticia and Lurch my love.”

3. Peggy Olson [to Megan]: “Men hate surprises. Didn’t you have ‘Lucy’ in Canada?”

4. Megan [on Don's surprise birthday party]: “Everyone’s going to go home from this and they’re going to have sex.”

5. Peggy [on Don]: “Clients are right all of a sudden? I don’t recognize that man. He’s kind and patient.”
Stan: “And it galls you.”
Peggy: “No, it concerns me.”

6. Trudy Campbell [to Pete]: “Dissatisfaction is a symptom of ambition. It’s the coal that fuels the fire.”

7. Roger Sterling [after Don receives a Steinway walking stick for his birthday]: “You could stick it up your ass and have a concert.”

8. Pete [at Don's birthday party]: “Roger, I didn’t know you were invited. Or did you just hear I was invited and show up?”

9. Jane Sterling [on Pete]: “Is he going bald?”

10. Abe [on Don and Megan's white rug]: “I just want to take my pants off and slide my ass on the carpet.”

11. Roger [on Megan]: “Why don’t you sing like that?”
Jane [on Don]: “Why don’t you look like him?”

12. Roger: “The only thing worse than not getting what you want is someone else getting it.”

13. Don [after his surprise party]: “Don’t waste money on things like that.”
Megan: “It’s my money and you don’t get to decide what I do with it.”
Don: “Well, could you please not use it to embarrass me again?”

14. Don [to Megan]: “I don’t need to be a center of attention.”

15. Joan [to her mom]: “You love stirring the sh*t.”

16. Roger [shows newspaper]: “You wanna smile?”
Don: “Is it your obituary?”

17. Roger [in his and Don's wives]: “They’re all great girls. At least until they want something.”

18. Pete: “Where am I supposed to conduct business?”
Roger: “In the crapper for all I care.”

19. Roger [on Joan showing up with their secret love child]: “Well, well, well, there’s my baby. Now move that brat out of the way so I can see her.”

20. Megan [to Peggy]: “What is wrong with you people? You’re all so cynical. You don’t smile, you smirk.”

21. Roger: Is it just me or is the lobby full of negroes?”

**

Read my latest lament at the loss of Sal and Lois the foot crushing secretary here at “We Miss Sal! Mad Men Characters We Want Back For Season 5.”

Catch up on my “Mad Men” premiere recap and other stories here.

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