Go back to the Tai Chi, it was more authentic.

*Update* Read my live blog of the finale here. Go Sophie!

God should sue “Survivor: South Pacific” for misrepresentation. His name keeps being taken in vain — not in swears as much as excuses. It wasn’t me, it was “God’s will!” I prayed and God told me to dump your ass in the next vote.

It must be convenient to not have to take responsibility for your own decisions. Last I heard, God is all about free will. And chances are He couldn’t give an arse about who wins pizza or a necklace in a “Survivor” challenge.

Please, no more Hantzes on "Survivor."

Because I’m so tired of the past two seasons turning into “Survivor: The Biggest Martyr,” I’m going to support the people who haven’t gone for that cheap argument. That means my girl Sophie Clarke — playing a very smart game — or my boy Rick Nelson — playing a likable cowboy game.

Rick is just sort of there and really shouldn’t win anything, but at least he’s not going crazy while he’s there, like Brandon or Phillip “The Crispy Rice” Sheppard last season. I love the guy. Love the mustache. Love the cowboy look. He’s like JT Thomas in 20 years or so.

But I don’t see Sophie or Rick making it to the end. I see Coach getting to the end with his immunity necklace. I see Ozzy coming back from Redemption Island. And I see them choosing to sit next to Albert Destrade because Albert is sneaky and at this point he is probably the best third player “goat” in contention, even though playing the prayer card and keeping Brandon’s idol was smart and saved his own butt.

Brandon was a great goat option too. I don’t understand the idea that he was the most trust-worthy, godly guy and a threat in the end. Are you kidding me? I can’t imagine anyone voting for him to win. But he was too much of a loose cannon to keep around. (Just like Uncle Russell!) He’s right, he was not made for this game.

You never give away your immunity necklace — especially not at the final 5 when you don’t have security. And especially not how Brandon did it. He was ticked at lying Albert and tried to ignore Albert’s desperate gotta-save-my-butt babbling. Then Albert said Brandon had closed his heart to him. Well, that was definitely playing Brandon the right way. Brandon replied that his heart wasn’t closed to his brother. He thought about God and forgiveness and how he himself was flawed and then — poof! — on a dime, he not only forgave Albert, he decided out of nowhere to hand over his hard-won immunity necklace. Crazy.

I give this season's "next time on Survivor..." promos credit — they try hard to make it seem like someone will beat Ozzy at Redemption but instead every result has been completely predictable.

Not to speak for God, but Sophie didn’t even lie or do anything wrong so she didn’t even need forgiveness. Is that not worthy of being saved too? Do you HAVE to do something wrong to be worthy of sticking around?

After giving up his immunity necklace at tribal council, Brandon went on to suggest that Albert could maybe give it back to him because he wasn’t safe after all. Albert wasn’t having any of that. And of course Brandon wasn’t safe at all. Coach dropped him like the Times Square ball at midnight.

Brandon is a mess of a “Survivor” player and I’m glad to be through with his speeches (until Sunday’s final tribal council) but I was on his side this episode when it came to the convo he interrupted between Coach and Albert. Coach got all high-and-mighty as if Brandon was being just like Russell with his “bullying,” but all Brandon did was wisely — for once — ask what Coach and Albert were talking about at camp. They weren’t just talking about jury votes, as Coach said. They were talking about Albert wanting to vote out Sophie and Coach wanting to vote out Brandon.

Brandon — or God — must’ve sensed the danger and sent him over to check what was up. Brandon was right and yet Coach — maybe feeling guilty or boxed into a corner — acted like Brandon was in the wrong to question his integrity.

I'm crossing my fingers for you, Sophie. Maybe it will work as well as praying.

Will Brandon still vote for Coach to win? What about Edna? Edna seemed to feel more betrayed. Probably everyone in the jury will vote for Ozzy if they can, but should they?

Edna and Cochran were also a good third place options, but they were voted out instead. Can’t use ’em anymore.

Someone — anyone — should’ve flushed out Coach’s idol because he’s just going to coast to the end and, in my opinion, he has the strongest argument to win, fake “integrity” and all. I’m a big fan of the strategic game and Coach is the chief orchestrator of this season.

Maybe “South Pacific” was filmed concurrent to “Redemption Island” and they didn’t see how Boston Rob did it, but Coach is basically the Robfather 2.0. He owned his tribe and had them convinced he was untouchable — I don’t even think they ever WANTED to get rid of him. They fought with each other instead of planning to get him out.

Ozzy? Ozzy could easily win. People love Ozzy. I really don’t know why. I think Coach should win over him. Ozzy’s argument seems to be that he’s sitting out all the office politics over there on Redemption Island and just using each challenge to win his way back in, without making any enemies. But he’s basically been sitting out for most of the game. He missed all the stuff that makes “Survivor” “Survivor.”

If Ozzy wins I won’t be ticked off, but I think Coach deserves it more. He’s had to hustle out there, while retaining total mind control over his alliance. His tribe dominated. He’s won immunity while having his own “secret” idol on the side. He convinced Cochran to turn on his own kind. Cochran, as a serious “Survivor” gamer, should admire that strategy and reward it with a win.

Having said all of that, I hope if there is a 24th season that they don’t keep bringing back all-stars. Rob, Coach and Ozzy are showing that it’s too easy for them to dominate their tribes and use their experience and leadership roles to get to the end. It’s not fair. Better to do all veterans, all newbies or half and half like “Fans vs. Favorites.” But not two tribal leaders.


Catch up on my “Survivor” stories in this archive.