Happens to the best of us.

Honest to God, I don’t even care what happens next. It’s 20 minutes into “Project Runway” Season 9, Episode 5, “Off the Track,” and already there’s so much drama I feel full.

I'm mad at you.

Cecilia Motwani, who should’ve SAID SOMETHING last week, was upset because the judges chose to send Julie Tierney home instead of herself. She wanted to leave. But she decided to keep that information private. The judges were supposed to read her mind.

So she waited until she was at the New Balance Track & Field Center in NYC, wearing her New Balance shirt, to say something to Heidi Klum and Tim Gunn. She quit. She looked sick and miserable and I’m glad she made herself happy, but I wish she had done it last week to give Julie a chance. Julie actually wanted to be there.

And I don’t care what anyone says. I don’t mind the droat.

But just a minute after that, the designers started running the track to decide who would be a team leader. Olivier Green was doing well, until he tripped and fell. I laughed. Guffawed, really. Because I’m evil. But then it looked like he passed out, which was not funny. He said he was feeling dizzy and couldn’t feel his arms. He had a panic attack. Poor Olivier is delicate. Especially his accent.

Wait, what? Why?

The rest of the episode probably won’t be as good, since it involves creating apparel for Heidi’s New Balance sneaker collection. Yes. Once again, Heidi is the client. Still, it will be cool for the designers to have something sold on Amazon.com.

It’s a team challenge, so there should be plenty of drama, but I feel bad for these designers. They deserve more solo challenges.

But wait! There’s more! Because Cecilia quit, somehow Joshua Christensen gets to come back. Why not Julie? Or even Fallene Wells? WTF? Oh, OK. Viktor and Olivier got to choose which of the eliminated designers would return to be on their team, and they picked Josh C.

Poor Becky. I'm glad Joshua apologized — even if it was in the bathroom stall — but they need to stop treating her with such condescension.

Oh, and by the way, the other Joshua, Josh McKinley is an ass. And a bully. He was a jerk to Julie and he’s a jerk to Becky Ross. And Anya Ayoung-Chee isn’t that much better.

Even though Josh is the harsh one, he and Anya tag-teamed Becky and treated her like their slave. Anya can’t even sew, so Becky had to put her own design skills — NOT dowdy, by the way — aside to make up for it? Go take a nap, Josh. Or have a Snickers. Maybe that will calm you down.

Love Josh M. vs. Bert Keeter. As pretentious as Bert can be, in that fight I am Team Bert.

***ON THE RUNWAY***

Heidi said the runway was all over the place. There were no higher or lower scores.

Viktor's look is surprisingly awesome. Love it. The rest of his team's collection? Not into it. Olivier is officially on the "only here for fascination" list.

Viktor’s team — Nice black motorcycle jacket. The dress is cute. Wow. This is from Viktor? I don’t normally like his stuff, but I really like this. JUDGES: Everyone agrees that Viktor’s look is the best. Michael Kors thinks Olivier’s skirt is for a German farm girl. They like Josh’s shirt. WINNER!

Josh C. — Not into the pants, the shirt or the backpack straps.

Olivier — I don’t like the skirt, it seems dowdy. (The word of the night!) Viktor’s look is the best of this group.

*

Bryce’s team — Nice tight black dress, but I wouldn’t wear it with sneakers. JUDGES: Michael Kors loves his dress and calls it “fantastic.” He thinks it works with the sneaker. He wasn’t as into the other two looks, though. He thinks Danielle’s look is terrible. Heidi mentions how she’s doing the same things. The color is a random addition to the collection. Heidi likes Kimberly’s jacket, but not with the shorts.

Kimberly — I don’t like the shorts. The jacket is OK. Meh.

Danielle — Nope. I hate the top. Danielle is falling fast in my estimation.

*

My poor Anthony Ryan. Did he peak too soon? His look, at center, is appalling. I didn't like Laura's any more than that, though. So glad my boy is safe. But now he needs to redeem himself.

Anthony Ryan’s team — He doesn’t like this look and I don’t like it much either. “I sent gym shorts down the runway.” Save him! JUDGES: Laura and AR got along well, but they didn’t communicate well with Bert. Since AR and Laura are two of the nicest people, this does not make Bert look good to me. Heidi said Bert’s look is the only decent outfit from the team, although it doesn’t fit the challenge. Michael Kors said AR’s shorts are big and tight at the same time. She has camel toe. Is my favorite going home?

Laura — Eww. This look is even worse.

Bert — OK, of the three this is the best. I like the top.

*

Joshua M.‘s team — What’s with the random, ripped vest? JUDGES: Heidi thinks Josh M. used their extra till 4 a.m. time to “bedazzle” things. Heidi said Anya’s look was her favorite. Anya is the judges’ darling and, once again, I don’t get it. I don’t see it. Nina Garcia liked Josh’s shredded jacket. She didn’t like Becky’s. Poor Becky. Although she agrees. Everyone this season hates their own work. But at least this time had more of a cohesive look. It looked like more of a collection. WINNER!

Huh. I just got an e-mail from Amazon.com, promoting the HKNB Heidi Klum for New Balance "winning" looks from "Project Runway." That looks like Viktor's look, but that is definitely not Anya's maxi dress. Major changes. http://www.amazon.com/b/?&node=2412595011&ref_=pe_80590_20946300

Becky — Shouldn’t she be wearing a sports bra

Anya — Not that athletic. It reminds me of something Uli would’ve designed on Season 3, but without the fluorescent stripe down the middle.

***WHO WINS? WHO GOES HOME?***

Heidi announced two winners — Viktor and Joshua M.

Viktor’s look will be sold on Amazon.com and Joshua’s team’s maxi dress will be sold as well.

Heidi argued for Anthony Ryan to go home over Danielle because, as she put it, the decisions are one challenge at a time. Which is not true. Has never been true. Nina and MK, to their credit, stood up for AR as having shown more potential, despite having the worst look of the day. Heidi really does make up the rules as she goes along.

So for the first time this season I am on Team Nina & Michael over Heidi. Heidi, you seriously would’ve kept Danielle over him? With her boring silks? You wanted more of that, just to make a point?

Honestly, Olivier should’ve gone home instead of even Danielle. Or send no one home, since freakin’ Cecilia quit.

***

Catch up on my “Project Runway” stories in this nifty archive.

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