This is not the scoop of crispy you're looking for.

“The crispy.”

I love it. From now on, everything I want but can’t get in life will be referred to as “the crispy.”

On “Survivor: Redemption Island” episode 7, “It Don’t Take A Smart One,” God + Matt Elrod gave shrill chatterbox Stephanie Valencia the permanent boot. Now God + Matt will take on weak Sarita White.

What do you think, six for six for God + Matt? Will he get to go back in the game?

Sarita vs. Matt. Is there any doubt at all?

I really don’t care what Zapatera does and at this point it seems like the editors don’t care either.

The Zaps lost the rainy, muddy, disgusting reward and immunity challenge and had to go to Tribal Council, but who cares? Without Russell Hantz and his beyotches, not even Ralph Kiser can make them interesting.

And David Murphy is not as smart as he thinks, since he put himself in the position of backing two annoying girls who were clearly going to leave early. How was that a strong strategy? He should take his own advice to Sarita and “Don’t get too confident.”

It doesn’t sound like he has an alliance going into next week … but, then again, next week is the merge so he can sell himself as a free agent. OK, the jury is still out on David. The rest of the tribe didn’t know the merge was coming. If they did, they probably would’ve kept loyal Sarita. I think they should’ve kept her either way. Loyalty trumps strength. Foa Foa foursome.

By the way, that was a good challenge for once. It’s still not on par with the water challenges of the old days, but it was a refreshingly demanding challenge.

And you know who rocked it? My boy Grant Mattos. He’s the challenge king. And he gets hotter by the day. And he’s smart to let the leadership role of the tribe fall to Boston Rob while the annoying person role clearly goes to Phillip Sheppard. More on Phillip in just a second.

For the reward, Ometepe got to fly to an active volcano, which was very “Bachelorette” Season 6 of them. (Poor Matt deserves to go on stuff like this.) While everyone was stuffing their faces, Rob dipped his hand into the jar of those cylindrical cookies and found another idol clue. (I would’ve accidentally eaten it.) I was just wondering how many freaking idols are on the island when he threw the thing (litter bug!) into the volcano because he already found the idol. How does he know there’s only one?

Hot and not. Although, this is not the best shot of Grant.

But the really interesting dynamic on Ometepe is not Rob’s constant Robfather domination, the uselessness of the pageant twins or even the hotness of Grant. It’s Phillip.

Phillip was not allowed to have any of the popular crispy brown rice because it’s Boston Rob’s favorite. Phillip took extreme offense to this, ranting at the two useless girls plus cool Andrea and hot Grant that they all got scoops of crispy rice, so he should too.

He’s a 52-year-old man and the senior member of the tribe. (Does that come with special benefits and a pay raise?) But they shouldn’t make a mountain out of a mole hill about it. Because that’s his job!

Phillip and his chaperone, Rob, observed the Redemption Island challenge and Phillip called Matt a true samurai warrior, which cuts dangerously close to Coach 1.0 territory. Can they go on “The Amazing Race” together?

By the way, Jeff Probst said there’d be alcohol on the reward. Did Phillip imbibe? The possibility of a drunk Phillip just opens so many doors.

Phillip said the girls are sharing Rob’s underwear. (Does Amber know/care?) Phillip is done with Rob. He wants Rob out. Rob knows this and he must know a merge is coming. (And it looks like it’s coming next week!) Should Ometepe have thrown a challenge to get rid of Phillip? I know some people think Zapatera throwing their own challenge was a bad idea, but they had to get rid of Krista and Stephanie before they switched sides, so I thought it was smart.

Right now I’m on Team Matt. And Team Grant, with a side order of Team Andrea. And, hell, Team Phillip. He’s amusing. And he feels left out. If Ometepe just included him, they wouldn’t have this problem.

Catch up on my “Survivor” stories in this archive.

These people are playing the game:

Ometepe Tribe

* Grant Mattos, 29, West Hollywood; former NFLer, yoga instructor
* Phillip Sheppard, 52, Santa Monica; technology executive
* Natalie Tenerelli, 19, Acton, Calif.; professional dancer
* Ashley Underwood, 25, Benton, Maine; nurse
* Andrea Boehlke, 21, Random Lake, Wis.; student
* “Boston Rob” Rob Mariano
* Francesca Hogi, 36, Washington D.C.; attorney— 1st sent to Redemption Island
* Matt Elrod, 22, Nashville; pre-med student — 2nd sent to Redemption Island
* Kristina Kell, 46, Malibu; law student — 4th sent to Redemption Island

Zapatera Tribe

* Mike Chiesl, 31, Del Mar, Calif.; former Marine
* Ralph Kiser, 44, Lebanon, Va.; farmer
* David Murphy, 31, West Hollywood; defense attorney
* Julie Wolfe, 50, Oceanside, Calif.; firefighter
* Steve Wright, 51, Huntington Beach, Calif.; former NFL player
* Russell Hantz — 3rd sent to Redemption Island
* Krista Klumpp, 25, Columbia, S.C.; pharmaceutical rep. — 5th sent to Redemption Island
* Stephanie Valencia, 25, Long Beach, Calif.; waitress — 6th sent to Redemption Island
* Sarita White, 36, Santa Monica; visual effects producer — 7th sent to Redemption Island, aka “Matt’s Island”

About these ads