Insufferable young'uns alert! Brenda Lowe, Judson "Jud" Birza, Alina Wilson, Kelly Shinn, Kelly Bruno, Ben "Benry" Henry, Shannon Elkins, and Chase Rice, of La Flor Tribe during the first episode of "Survivor: Nicaragua." (Is Chase going to wear such tight, revealing shorts every week?)

Oh Wendy Jo DeSmidt-Kohlhoff.

Your husband was right. You were the first voted off “Survivor: Nicaragua.” But it was only partially because you talk too much.

Part of it had to do with the fact that “Survivor: Nicaragua” already has it in for the ladies.

By the way, what a ringing endorsement! What kind of husband talks that kind of trash in support of his wife? Who are you, Shannon Elkins, who is anti-girl probably because his parents gave him a girl’s name?

Poor Wendy! The quirky, weird ladies always go first. Remember singing Wanda on "Palau"? "Palau" is probably my favorite season of all time. Stephenie, Ian, Tom, Ian, Bobby Jon ... Ian.

Shannon has already said he doesn’t want another girl to win. “I mean, we already get owned in marriage. Pretty soon we’ll have a woman president. But, I mean, a guy needs to sack up and we need to win this one.”


The last Shannon I remember on “Survivor” had the nickname Shambo, so I’m hereby changing his “Survivor” name to Shambo.

(Hey, we already have a “Fabio” in dumb blond Judson Birza, so let’s keep the nickname train rolling.)

Back to Wendy (who is 48, not that you asked) and her blister-free feet. Her brother called her “sheltered” — or “sheltah-ed” in her Montana accent — and maybe she was a bit native. Holly Hoffman gushed with love for her, then wouldn’t talk to her when the old person’s tribe, Espanda, decided to dump her rather than Jimmy Johnson, who can’t stop being a coach even when he knows better.

Everyone recognized Jimmy Johnson. Jimmy overdid it and retched a bit and I don’t just mean the speech where he pretended no jury would ever award him a million bucks. Jimmy Tarantino wondered if he was going for an Academy Award or was really ill. Poor Jimmy J. watched every second of “Survivor” but never imagined it would be this difficult. Why not?

Brenda Lowe — aka the hot chick of the season — used to cheer for the Miami Dolphins so she recognized Jimmy Johnson. Chase Rice and Brenda are already flirting. They are the 90210 couple.

Brenda is used to having guys do what she says and Chase just came right up to her. (Lucky girl.) She called him “clueless,” which is probably true. He’s also the closest thing to hot we’re going to get this season. He has something of a Channing Tatum thing going on. Guess we should dub Chase and Brenda the homecoming king and queen. Then maybe shoot them.

Here's my new "Survivor" eye candy, Chase Rice. He's no Colby.

At the start of the “Young at Heart” episode — before the tribes even split into old vs. obnoxious — Brenda found the medallion of power necklace and climbed a tree to get it. When the tribes split into under 30 (La Flor) and over 40 (Espanda), the young’uns decided to give the medallion to the “antiques” (as Chase put it) in exchange for fishing gear.

At the first immunity challenge, the insufferable La Flor tribe walked in dancing an insufferable dance.

The medallion would’ve given Espanda a one bucket advantage in the challenge, but the antiques decided to hold onto it. It backfired when the young team won. Brenda said she would’ve used the medallion to stay strong and win — don’t think about next time.

And now the obnoxious people have the momentum. Dang it.

Speaking of obnoxious, Shambo talked to Chase about how they are the big alpha males and probably the targets. He thinks Boston Rob and Russell could’ve run “Heroes vs. Villains.” (It was only a matter of time before Rob and Russell were name-dropped and it happened within 20 minutes on the premiere. Having said that, Shannon is no Rob or Russell. I can tell already.)

And here's the guys' main eye candy, Brenda Lowe.

So Shambo got his anti-women alliance with Chase and then Chase ran to Brenda to be in a hot-person’s alliance with her.

Not that everyone in the young crowd is obnoxious. Some of them are just funny. Like Jud/Fabio. When Kelly Bruno revealed her prosthetic leg, Jud wondered how it worked — like, how did she tell it to move?


But, like Chad in “Survivor: Vanuatu,” everyone moved quickly from calling Kelly a rock star to thinking about how they could get rid of her. Shambo worried about her getting sympathy votes. NaOnka Mixon worried she would weaken the tribe.

Kelly B. and Alina Wilson found a clue to an immunity idol but they couldn’t decipher it. (They are not Russells. And why were they walking around in their bras?)

Alina also didn’t want an alliance with Kelly because of her leg. Way to make the leg the focal point of the tribe!

Right now Brenda is the standout on La Flor, but they haven’t done much yet.

Over at Espanda, as the men bicker with each other, Jan Bright is proving herself a real rock star. She is 56 and very confident. She started fire with glasses within half an hour. She assumes people think of her as a middle-aged housewife who sits around, but considering her tribe is filled with middle-aged people it’s unlikely they think that at all.

Jane, you’re my girl. I thought that before the season even started and I still feel that way. Good luck!


La Flor Tribe (The Flower)
Alina Wilson, 23; student/model
Ben “Benry” Henry, 24; bar owner
Brenda Lowe, 27; business owner, former Miami Dolphins cheerleader
Chase Rice, 24; NASCAR jackman/singer
Judson Birza, 21; student/model/musician
Kelly Bruno, 25; medical student, amputee triathlete
Kelly Shinn, 20; student
Matthew “Sash” Lenahan, 30; luxury broker
NaOnka Mixon, 27; P.E. teacher
Shannon Elkins, 30; business owner

Espada Tribe (The Sword)
Dan Lembo, 63; property management
Holly Hoffman, 44; swim coach
Jane Bright, 56; dog trainer
Jillian Behm, 43; ER physician
Jimmy Johnson, 67; retired NFL coach/TV sports broadcaster
Jimmy Tarantino, 48; fisherman/government seafood inspector
Marty Piombo, 48; wine industry executive
Tyrone Davis, 42; fire captain
Yve Rojas, 41; stay-at-home mom


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