The crazy-eyed, bandy-legged troll we know as The Evil Oompa Loompa is about to get served.

By Gina Carbone
opus619@gmail.com

Would the Super Bowl be as much fun to watch if you already knew the results? I suppose you’d have to think football was fun to watch to begin with, so you tell me.

This “Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains” finale, on the other hand, still feels like the Super Bowl of “Survivor” finales, even though I know who won (and I don’t much like it).

I’m excited. The show is about to start and I’m going to do the live blog thing. Please excuse my typos and stream of consciousness ramblings off topic. They’re both inevitable.

***

8 p.m.: Jeff Probst recap of the season and then recap of each player individually.

Colby was so cute back in Season 2. He’s still cute, just useless in general. No one likes a man who can’t last longer than 15 seconds. Parv and her Black Widow Alliance. Sandra with her sneakiness and attitude. Jerri looks exactly the same as in Season 2. That’s funny. The Black Widow and The Dragon Slayer. I am still rooting for their love. Russell is the king of chaos. If he can control how they feel he can control how they think? Nope. He makes deals with everyone and then breaks them — adding personal insults along the way.

8:07 p.m.: Recap is finally over.

Parv admired Sandra’s idol move from the last Tribal Council: “Russell, you have to admit it was a pretty good play.”

Russell said it was a bad play because she didn’t need to use it. He did the same thing! Parv called him on it, bless her.

Russell, as usual, was upset because Sandra didn’t tell him she had it. Like she should tell him about her idols? What exactly does she owe him? She called him out on it, too. That’s why I love this season. No one lets Russell just shoot his mouth off. He wants to micromanage the whole tribe, Sandra said, and she’s not the type you can micromanage.

Now Russell thinks Parv knew about Sandra’s idol. He — ha ha! — is upset because if she knew about it, that would be “sneaky.” Sneaky!

Parv told the camera the childish pouting makes Russell look ridiculous. True.

Jerri told Colby Parv is dangerous and they have to get rid of her? Is that who they were talking about? Parv over Sandra?

8:13 p.m.: Tree mail. Immunity challenge involves dishes. Same challenge as in China, Parv said.

Sandra during the immunity challenge. She was the first one out. Parvati won. Again.

Russell’s dream trio is himself, Jerri and Sandra. He thinks Sandra didn’t play at all and neither did Jerri, so they jury would have no choice but to vote for him.

Isn’t it funny to hear how he thinks?

If Colby wins immunity he wants to ditch Parv.

Another balancing/concentration challenge. Are they favoring Parv with these?

Adding plates and dishes to this balance thing.

Sandra is the first one out. Jerri out second. Russell out next. (Get rid of him!)

It came down to Colby vs. Parvati. There was a big gust of wind and Colby’s stuff was wobbling.

They kept adding more stuff to this crazy pile. I’m proud of Colby, but Parv excels at these challenges. And she has good luck. This is her third individual win, second in a row. The girl is good. That’s what I’m saying.

Parv just kicked Colby out of the game. And Russell can’t get rid of her! That’s my favorite part.

8:26 p.m.: (These commercials go on forever)

Parv said winning was a huge deal for her because it means she’s safe and she can keep the rest of her villains. (Note “Her” villains.)

Colby gathered the Villains and said he made his play to break them up before. It didn’t work. He tried to win the challenge. It didn’t work. He gave a “surrender speech” that almost made Jerri and Parv cry. He said it was his attempt at a sympathy vote. Jerri rubbed his arm. (Back off my man!)

But Colby told the camera he’s not a quitter. (Could’ve fooled us, the way you’ve played.) When the time was right he made one more attempt.

Colby made a good pitch, but he talked too much at Tribal Council.

Colby told Russell he should get rid of Sandra tonight and get rid of Parvati next time. Colby said Parv will be hard to beat. He said the best strategic move may be to keep Colby for now.

Funny how everyone is against Parv and totally discounts Sandra as the real winner.

Russell said he’ll make up his mind at Tribal Council.

8:30 p.m.: Tribal Council. Rupert never changes his clothes!

Colby said no one wants to sit next to Parvati in the finals. “Love you to death, Sandra, but everybody wants to sit next to you.”

D’oh! Did Colby just win Sandra a million dollars??

Sandra is cute and funny during Tribal and I think that’s why the jury loves and rewards her.

Jeff is probably even more sorry to see Colby go than I am. He *loves* Colby.

Plus, no one likes to be told how they should vote. They may vote for Sandra just as a “screw you” to people who said they should vote for Parv.

The tribe just spoke to my boyfriend. They dumped him. Jerri looked near tears.

Tomorrow is their final immunity challenge.

Colby’s parting words: “I know if I’d won that challenge today I’d have a shot at a million dollars. It’s disappointing especially when the challenges were something that I used to be good at. I guess I’m just an old (chuckles) dusty veteran. My third time in, I’m just not destined to win this game.”

But I love you, man! Pleeeease come back a fourth time. I love to watch you lose take your shirt off play Survivor.

8:40 p.m.: Ha! Walking back to camp, everyone is talking about how crazy Rupert looked. Like a serial killer who might’ve jumped out at them.

Parv said Colby’s words were a wake-up call. She didn’t know she was such a threat.

Final four. Interesting dynamic here, no? Guess the honeymoon is over between Russell and Parvati.

Russell and Jerri talked about how they have to get rid of Parvati because, if they don’t, she’ll have won three immunities in a row and definitely take the million.

Jerri said Parv wasn’t such a strategic player in this game because she was “tucked under” Russell’s wing.

What?! Did you watch the same show I did?

Another rites of passage thing where they pay tribute to fallen comrades.

We watch all the fallen again in post-elimination speeches. In order: Sugar, Stephenie, Randy, Cirie, Tom, Tyson, James, Boston Rob, Coach, Courtney, JT, Amanda, Candice, Danielle, Rupert, Colby.

(Tyson still loves himself. He is the “funny guy,” though.)

(Ha! Sandra said Boston Rob told her they would get along because Italians and Puerto Ricans are both loud and ignorant. She died laughing. I love Boston Rob. He said the survivors getting rid of him was the first smart thing they’ve done in 20 seasons.)

(Coach! I love how he goes on about himself.)

(JT said Russell used the idol to vote him out. But it was really Parv who did that. Give her credit.)

(Amanda is another one who said she’s not destined to win this game. Why is everyone so defeatist? She regrets giving Danielle the idol clue, and she should. Her conscience — Colby! — got the best of her.)

(Rupert still thinks he’s a Hero.)

(Colby—  Jerri’s favorite cowboy! Mine, too. Even Russell said Colby was the real, true hero of the game. For once, I agree with Oompa.)

8:58 p.m.: The final immunity challenge. Survivor maze. They’ll all be blindfolded. This looks complicated.

I'd probably get lost too, Sandra.

Russell got his first necklace first. Sandra was at the back.

Sandra tried to take Parv’s necklace off her neck! Funny. I love Sandra’s commentary!

Russell got his second necklace first, too. Then Parv. Then Jerri. Sandra way in the back. She’s funny. She sucks so bad at challenges and, in the end, that didn’t matter at all.

Jerri ended up in the lead with the third necklace first. Then Parv. Then Russell. They had one necklace left.

Ha! Parv vs. Russell for the end. They kept running into each other, on purpose on Russell’s part, I think. Then Jerri joined in.

Russell walked right by the immunity necklace. He found it, though. He got it in the end over Parv and Jerri, within inches.

Russell won the second immunity challenge. Not that it sounded like he needed it. Everyone wants to sit next to Russell in the end because they think they can beat him.

Jeff: “It doesn’t get any closer than that.”

And then there’s Sandra, who got nowhere near.

Jeff said that was one of the most dramatic finishes ever. Jeff is always ranking things in the Survivor universe.

Russell waited for Jeff to put the necklace on him.

Parv told the camera she has to talk to Russell and make sure she’s still “his girl.”

9:10 p.m.: Back at camp, Jerri said the fact that Russell won immunity means Parvati will be going home. She won’t cry. Why does everyone hate Parv?

Russell said no matter what, he’s taking Sandra. He thinks she can’t beat him, maybe in part because she’s already won — Pearl Islands. Sandra said she doesn’t expect to win, she’ll take the $100,000.

Russell thinks Sandra will maybe get Courtney’s vote and that’s it.

Parv and Russell went for a walk. Parv said if Sandra goes with them she instantly gets Amanda, Candice and Courtney.

Russell said he doesn’t think so. Russell said he’d rather have Jerri on the jury because he’d get Jerri’s vote.

Russell said Parv doesn’t think she can beat Sandra or Russell.

Russell told Parv his best strategic move is to take Sandra and Jerri. Parv said Sandra would win.

Russell told the camera if he sends Jerri home he’ll get her vote. If he sends Parv home he may not get her vote. He’s “suffered way too much in this game” to lose now. “I have to win.”

9:15 p.m.: Tribal Council.

Sandra said her argument to Russell was “take me because I can’t win.” Russell tried to backpedal and said Sandra could easily potentially win.

Russell had better explain this well.

I think the jury really just doesn’t like to hear how good Parvati is and how many friends she has. Everyone thinks Parv will win. I say she SHOULD win, but no one likes the easy win.

Parv vs. Russell again. He thinks he’s been protecting Parv and Parv said “we’ve been protecting each other.” Russell, she is not Natalie White. She did not ride your coattails or anything close to that. In fact, Parv saved Jerri and Sandra (or at least Jerri) with her double idol move. You’d think they’d respect her for that instead of dissing her.

How is it Russell’s best shot at winning the game to get rid of Jerri? Because she’ll vote for him over Parv? Would she even do that? I doubt it.

1. Parvati

2. Jerri

3. Jerri

4. Jerri

Jerri hugged Russell goodbye. “I can’t wait to hear this story later.” Seriously. Bad move, man.

Jerri told the camera she was so close to the end and she expected to go. She told the camera she was leaning toward voting for Russell in the end. He’s played an amazing game, she said. He’s a reactionary but his decisions usually make sense. “Except for tonight.”

9:26: Last night on Yin Yang. They talk about how ready they are to go home, etc. Sandra is focused on her kids and her hubby in Afghanistan.

Sandra went to bed, leaving Russell and Parv alone. “There’s no need to babysit you anymore.”

How proud must her husband be, knowing while he’s out serving the country she’s earning even more money.

Sandra: “This is how I hustle, this is how I make my money. I come and play Survivor. That’s what I know how to do, that’s what I’m best at. Coming out here, getting my money, going home. Simple as that.”

And it really IS that simple with her! She’s played twice and won twice. Two million dollars for two and a half months work. Amazing.

Russell congratulated himself to the camera, talking about how he’s done it twice. He believes he has a good shot of winning this.

On Samoa he brought two weak players he thought he could beat, but he didn’t win. Russell said this time he’s bringing people that others don’t like.

Parv has been playing Survivor for 114 days. Russell asked Parv who she would’ve voted for on the jury. She said Sandra. Russell said he would’ve voted for her.

Sandra deserves a million dollars just for this. But Parvati should still be declared sole survivor.

Sandra and Parv laughed and joked. Sandra threw Russell’s hat into the fire. “That’s how much game I got.”

LOVE IT!

“I should burn his sneakers.”

She talked about his bald head and how he doesn’t want anyone to see it. It’s payback. “I don’t care,” Sandra said.

HA! It is payback for the burnt socks and hidden machete and everything else.

The title of sole survivor is all Russell wants, so that’s what Sandra is going to fight to deny him.

Wow, this is a good preview for the finale — with Sandra talking more than any other time this season. She said she never got to hide behind the immunity necklace (except for when she wasted it last week), she had to hustle to be there. (Except she skated through on being a weak non-threat.)

9:32 p.m.: Final Tribal Council

Sandra talked about her alliance of one. She’s good at keeping it simple and being likable. I can understand voting for her after her short, simple speech but if you take the game as a whole she should not win. True, she is here alone and that fits with the idea of a “sole survivor,” but she did not fight to get here. She didn’t have to. Don’t reward her for being a non-threat. All you’re doing is showing your bitterness at better players, like Parvati. (Not so much Russell. He was too sloppy, burning bridges as he went.)

Russell apologized for offending anyone along the way, but he did nothing wrong and should win.

Parv said she didn’t realize the threat she would be perceived as, so she needed a defense. That’s where Russell came in. He was the dragon and instead of slaying him she kept him as a pet. (Cut to Coach looking disgusted. No one talks about dragon slaying but me!)

I think the jury hates self-serving speeches, but when you have played the best game, what else are you supposed to say? They shouldn’t reward Sandra just for having shown up.

9:40 p.m.: Jury talks to the contenders

I'm so PISSED about Candice's bulls*t.

Colby — Russell, did you really say there was no luck involved in getting here? Colby said he was just double checking because he’s delusional if he thinks he can win without luck. He asked Parv what besides challenges did she do. She said she was the target from day one, so she had to hustle harder than anyone. She brought up her double idol play. He didn’t talk to Sandra?

Coach — The final three villains. Parvati, the charmer and manipulator. Russell the schemer and also the liar. And Sandra the coattail rider. Coach said Russell can be a little man in stature and word. The lesson he should’ve left was “only the penitent man shall pass.” (Someone just watched Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade!) Coach said he wishes he could be there instead of Sandra. Coach thought Parv would be a weak player in challenges. She was a warrior in challenges. The irony was the day he trusted her was the day she turned on him. What was that about being a Christian man and taking his responsibility serious in a game he loves? Talk about delusional.

Amanda — She asked Sandra how her strategy was better than Russell or Parvati. She talked about how she wishes her strategy had been better because she kept trying to get rid of Russell and it didn’t happen. (Russell: So did that strategy work for you?) Sandra said she could never get Heroes on her side.

Courtney — She’s proud of her villainesses. She said Sandra is loyal as hell and that’s often overlooked. How was she loyal to the end? She didn’t even have an alliance to back.

JT — He talked to “buddy” Russell first. Russell said he expects everyone on the jury to respect his game play because they’ve all played the game. JT asked how Parv thought she did. Parv said, again, that she was the threat from day one. She’s right that no one thought about getting rid of Sandra and Sandra only gave 50 percent. Sandra said she gave 100 percent to challenges but she’s not a physical person. She wishes she knew JT was making his play on the idol to Russell ’cause she would’ve stopped him.  JT said he’s not sour about his fate, he made his bed and he’ll lay in it.

Danielle — What an ass. She said there’s been a lack of skill in jury management. Would you change anything, she asked. Russell said he’s not going to tell her what she wants to hear. She said Russell’s not going to get any votes.

Jerri — Jerri said she is 100 percent undecided in who to vote for. She asked Russell what happened to the plan to get rid of Parvati after he won immunity. Russell said Jerri never ticked anyone off and he thought he would lose to her. Parv said that’s not true. Russell told her he knew he’d get Jerri’s jury vote. Jerri told Sandra that Sandra is so proud of being loyal and straightforward, but Jerri was blindsided.

Candice — Russell told “dirty lies” he didn’t need to tell. She said Parv played the game under Russell’s thumb. Like a spouse in an abusive relationship and she wanted Parv to get out from under his influence. “I like you, but I can’t support that.” Whaaaaat? It’s about how you treat people and that’s what she’s basing her vote on. “It’s not just what you stand for, it’s what you fall for, too.”

SO DON’T FALL FOR THAT BULLSH*T. Candice fell for Russell’s lines like the wife in an abusive relationship. She treated her fellow Heroes like crap and was disloyal to them. Candice made her own bed. Parvati was not in an abusive relationship. Russell gave her idols! She used him and it worked well for her. Are you crazy?

Rupert — Goes on about Russell taking “the easy way out” for being lying and deceiving. Listening to Sandra made him feel worse about his game play. He wishes he had listened to her more. He thanked her, from all the Heroes (eye roll), for trying to get them to get rid of Russell. Parv was a very strong player but she aligned herself with a “terrible” person. Rupert said Parv and Sandra deserved the vote. “You fought to be sitting there,” he told Parv.

9:58 p.m.: Time to vote

Jerri: Parvati. She said she was walking up there saying “Parvati/Sandra? Parvati/Sandra.” She ended up writing Parvati.

Candice: Sandra. She spouted some bulls*t about how the line between hero and villain was blurred but Sandra stayed true to herself, etc.

Courtney: Sandra

Coach: Parvati. He said he was wrong about her. She’s a warrior. “King Arthur’s journey has officially ended.” (?)

Rupert: Sandra. “I’m honored that I get to write your name down again and give you a million dollars. Love you.” (Just as Sandra predicted!)

Amanda: Mystery!

10:01 p.m. Jeff reads the 9 votes

Russell knows he's beat. Parv, I still think you should've won.

We’re live!

Russell looks like he’s in a slightly better mood this time. Remember how grumpy he was in Samoa? But he must know the outcome. If I do, he must.

1. Parvati

2. Sandra

3. Parvati

4. Sandra

5. Parvati

6. Sandra

7. Sandra

8. Sandra

The winner of “Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains”: Sandra

Read my Reunion Show recap and other “Survivor” stories in this nifty archive.

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