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Several of these Villains are now gone, but Evil Oompa Loompa Russell is still shooting his mouth off.

We’re coming up on sweeps month, and for CBS I guess that means season finales and cliffhangers.

That’s what they’re saying in this press release, anyway:

***

CBS’s May sweep will be highlighted with the season finales and cliffhangers of its hit comedies and dramas as well as the finales of THE AMAZING RACE 16 and SURVIVOR: HEROES VS. VILLAINS.

Guest-starring in CBS’s season finales are Eric McCormack (THE NEW ADVENTURES OF OLD CHRISTINE); Leslie Hope (THE MENTALIST); Mayim Bialik (THE BIG BANG THEORY); Stacy Keach and John Amos (TWO AND A HALF MEN); Eric Close, Tim Curry and Robert Davi (CRIMINAL MINDS); Esai Morales (CSI: MIAMI) and Edward Furlong (CSI: NY).

The following are CBS’s May season finales and cliffhangers:

Sunday, May 2 COLD CASE-In part one of a two-part episode at a

(9:00-10:00 PM, ET/PT)          special time, Rush (Kathryn Morris) tries to ignore her father’s appeals to give her troublemaker sister another chance after she suddenly resurfaces.

Sunday, May 2 COLD CASE-Valens (Danny Pino) partners with Rush

(10:00-11:00 PM, ET/PT)        (Kathryn Morris) to locate her abducted, drug-addicted sister, while Jeffries (Thom Barry) tries to bring justice to the case of a murdered teenaged girl that has haunted him for 17 years.  Music by The Rolling Stones will play exclusively throughout the episode.

Sunday, May 9 THE AMAZING RACE 16-The end city is in sight for

(8:00-9:00 PM, ET/PT)            the remaining teams as they make their way from Shanghai to San Francisco.  The first team to cross the finish line wins the million dollar prize.  Phil Keoghan hosts.

Wednesday, May 12 THE NEW ADVENTURES OF OLD CHRISTINE-

(8:00-8:30 PM, ET/PT)            Christine (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) begins to doubt her intelligence after meeting Max’s (guest star Eric McCormack) friends at their “surprise” engagement party, driving her to make a surprising decision.

Sunday, May 16 SURVIVOR: HEROES VS. VILLAINS- The special

(8:00-10:00 PM, ET/PT)          two-hour finale begins with five remaining castaways vying for the million dollar prize and title of “Ultimate Survivor.”  The finale is followed by a one-hour live reunion show hosted by Jeff Probst.

Thursday, May 20 CSI-As the team closes in on the Dr. Jekyll serial killer,

(9:00-10:00 PM, ET/PT)          Nate Haskell (Bill Irwin), a murderer who Langston (Laurence Fishburne) helped put behind bars last year, holds the key to Dr. Jekyll’s true identity.  The CSIs must get him to reveal the killer before it’s too late.

Thursday, May 20 THE MENTALIST-A murder by a Red John copycat puts

(10:00-11:00 PM, ET/PT)        Patrick Jane’s (Simon Baker) psychic friend Kristina Frye (guest star Leslie Hope) in grave danger when Frye reaches out to the real Red John, with dire consequences for both her and Jane.

Friday, May 21 GHOST WHISPERER-When Melinda (Jennifer Love

(8:00-9:00 PM, ET/PT)            Hewitt) investigates a poltergeist in Grandview hospital, a final showdown looms with the supernatural forces threatening her and her son.

Friday, May 21 MEDIUM-When Allison’s (Patricia Arquette) brain tumor

(9:00-10:00 PM, ET/PT)          resurfaces, its aftermath could have life-altering consequences for her family and friends. Guest stars include Teri Polo (“The West Wing”) as murder victim Mary-Louise Graff and Margaret Colin (“Gossip Girl”) as D.A. Kelly Shuler.

Friday, May 21 MIAMI MEDICAL-The career of a young golf prodigy

(10:00-11:00 PM, ET/PT)        and the lives of three college friends are in the hands of the Alpha Team following a horrific alligator attack.  Kari Matchett (“Invasion,” “Leverage”) guest stars as cardiac surgeon Dr. Helena Sable.

Monday, May 24 HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER-Marshall (Jason Segel)

(8:00-8:30 PM, ET/PT)            and Lily (Alyson Hannigan) put fate to the test when deciding whether or not they are ready to have a baby.

Monday, May 24 RULES OF ENGAGEMENT-Adam (Oliver Hudson) and

(8:30-9:00 PM, ET/PT)            Jennifer (Bianca Kajlich) plan a secret wedding; however, a series of unfortunate events puts their plan in jeopardy.  Meanwhile, to keep Russell (David Spade) and Timmy (Adhir Kalyan) from finding out about the ceremony, Adam tells them he is staging an intervention for Jeff’s drinking (Patrick Warburton).

Monday, May 24 TWO AND A HALF MEN-Jake (Angus T. Jones)

(9:00-9:30 PM, ET/PT)            becomes Charlie’s (Charlie Sheen) driver after his license is suspended.  Meanwhile, to Charlie’s chagrin, Alan (Jon Cryer) makes plans to go to Chelsea’s (Jennifer Taylor) birthday party.  Stacy Keach returns as Chelsea’s father Tom, and John Amos returns as Tom’s boyfriend.

Monday, May 24 THE BIG BANG THEORY-Howard (Simon Helberg)

(9:30-10:00 PM, ET/PT)          and Raj (Kunal NayyAr) set up an online dating profile for Sheldon (Jim Parsons).  Mayim Bialik (“Blossom”) guests stars as Sheldon’s perfect match.

Monday, May 24 CSI: MIAMI-A serial killer taunts the CSIs by leaving

(10:00-11:00 PM, ET/PT)      them cryptic hints and dead bodies.  The longer it takes the CSIs to decode these puzzles, the more imperiled they become.  Esai Morales guest stars as the killer’s next target.

Tuesday, May 25 NCIS-In the conclusion of a two-part finale, Gibbs (Mark

(8:00-9:00 PM, ET/PT)            Harmon) heads to Mexico for a showdown with a drug cartel intent on revenge.  Gibbs has to reassess the rules by which he lives when he is forced to make a devastating choice to save the lives of his team.

Tuesday, May 25 NCIS: LOS ANGELES-Callen (Chris O’Donnell) is in

(9:00-10:00 PM, ET/PT)          a race with a ruthless adversary to locate a woman who knows the whereabouts of a forgotten fortune earmarked to fund a new war in the Middle East.  But for Callen, the woman also holds the tantalizing key to his past and the answer to the haunting question of who he really is.

Tuesday, May 25 THE GOOD WIFE-Alicia (Julianna Margulies) must

(10:00-11:00 PM, ET/PT)        decide if, at Eli Gold’s (Alan Cumming) urging, she’ll stand by her man during Peter’s (Chris Noth) new political campaign, or if she’ll pursue a relationship with Will (Josh Charles) instead.

Wednesday, May 26 CRIMINAL MINDS-The BAU team hunts a serial killer

(9:00-10:00 PM, ET/PT)          in Los Angeles who preys on his victims in the dark, killing entire families except for one left alive to remember.  Tim Curry (“Rocky Horror Picture Show”), Eric Close (“Without a Trace”) and Robert Davi (“Profiler”) guest star in the cliffhanger finale.

Wednesday, May 26 CSI: NY-As the CSIs follow escaped criminal Shane

(10:00-11:00 PM, ET/PT)        Casey’s (Edward Furlong) trail across Manhattan, miles away from the mayhem.  Danny (Carmine Giovinazzo) and Lindsay (Anna Belknap) are enjoying a long overdue vacation until Casey’s plans threaten to endanger both their lives in this cliffhanger finale.

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She's gonna make it after all! The shoes won't last, though.

By Gina Carbone
gina_carbone@comcast.net

Reality Steve issued another dispatch on “The Bachelorette” — complete with caveats and a retraction of the last dispatch he gave.

(And, no, I’m not talking about the YouTube video of a prospective contestant/ukulele player named Hunter, since Steve didn’t find that. I think he got it from Fans of Reality TV.)

Anyway, Ali Fedotowsky will be going “Around the World” as the theme of her series (not “In Your Face, Facebook?” That had kind of a ring, no?) and although she will be going to Iceland (with nine guys, Fans of Reality TV confirmed) it is not for the overnight dates.

I have to say, if I were The Bachelorette, I would also want the producers to fly me around the world. If I found love in the process, great. If not, I would still be flown around the world. Not just to St. Lucia or New Zealand — not that I’d turn them down — but everywhere imaginable. And in only two months!

Having said that, do you know what that much travel does to your system? The jet lag? The stomach issues?

Anyway, in the middle of Steve’s latest whatever, he did write something interesting:

“My sources have told me something happens this season that has never happened in show’s history. But it isn’t fake or something the show planned in advance. At least, not that I’m aware of. Something pretty scandalous goes down more than halfway through the season.”

Could it be we’ll be treated to the most dramatic episode ever?

And is it just me, or does it seem like just a wee bit too much of a coincidence that Steve is getting the kind of early spoiler that sounds a lot like an ABC plug? Methinks the tail is now wagging the dog.

***

More from Steve:

“The Bachelorette”

Once this season begins, it’ll be the 18th season I’ve covered of this show. I know a lot of you have only found my site within the last year, but just know I’ve been doing this for over eight years. And during those eight years, I’ve made some pretty good contacts that have become reliable sources to me. However, when ABC/Next Entertainment/Chris Harrison says they know who I talk to, and know who my source is, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Considering my sources usually vary from season to season, that I’ve built up way more than one source over the last year, and not once has ABC contacted me telling me to shut up, or stop writing, or whatever, that goes to show they don’t really care what I say. Sure, they would rather I keep my mouth shut and not ruin their whole season for them, but it’s not like they’ve ever tried to stop me. And I doubt they will. I’m not doing anything wrong. I’m not breaking laws here by relaying information that’s told to me. It’s a reality TV show, not the CIA. It’s kinda ok to let the cat out of the bag when it comes to this show. Not a big deal.

Every once in a while, I will hear something, report it, and it turns out the information is correct, but maybe I put it in the wrong context. Like last season with Ella’s date. I said that she got the 1-on-1 date at Sea World (correct), but that she didn’t get a rose on it (incorrect). That was me misreading the information I was given. This season, I have misread information once again. I told you a couple weeks ago that the overnight dates were going to be in Iceland this season. Well, they did go to Iceland. Just not for the overnights. So I apologize for that. However, those are pretty unimportant in the whole grand scheme of things. When the season rolls around, if I lay out the final four, three, two, and one for you, that’s all you’ll really care about, and that’s exactly what I plan to provide as we get closer to the start of the “Bachelorette” on May 24th.

With that said, here’s a little more information that I’ve received about Ali’s season:

-The theme of this season is “Around the World”. Why? Because they’re literally going everywhere. Man, someone must’ve upped the budget for this season because I can’t remember the last time they did this much traveling. Especially when these countries they’ve been to are all before the overnight dates have even taken place. They have already filmed in LA, Las Vegas, New York, Iceland, Turkey, and Portugal. Those are confirmed. What isn’t confirmed is where the overnight dates are, but I’m hearing Tahiti. When that’s confirmed, I’ll let you know.

-I told you on Wednesday I had some pretty major news that hadn’t been reported yet anywhere. Well, I don’t have the details behind that information, so if I run with it, it’ll lead to a bombardment of emails that I don’t really want to deal with right now. All I will say is this: My sources have told me something happens this season that has never happened in show’s history. But it isn’t fake or something the show planned in advance. At least, not that I’m aware of. Something pretty scandalous goes down more than halfway through the season.

-Something else of note: Someone from last season makes an appearance this season. Let the guessing begin. Once again, when I know, you’ll know.

So I know some of you will think I’m just teasing you for fun. I’m not. I just don’t have all the details now, so, there’s no point in trying to explain the little I know because then I’ll just be asked more questions. I’ll just leave it at this for now, and when I know more, you’ll know more. Trust me, I had no problem ruining last season the minute I heard about it. I’m enjoying ruining this show’s results right when the season gets started. So if I knew the details, I’d be screaming it from the mountain tops the second I heard it. Just thought I’d give you something to hold you over for a bit. I fully expect to have pretty much everything nailed by the time the first episode airs, just like last season. I might even reveal stuff before the season even starts. We’ll see.

***

That’s all from Steve.

Stay tuned for a link to the soon-to-be built site dedicated solely to The Bachelorette. It’s not “my” site, but I will be writing for it, so in a way it’s mine. And yours. Mostly mine. And Ali’s. Not ukulele Hunter’s, though. I didn’t really care for him. Did you? Meh.

Oh, by the way, I’m not ignoring Jake Pavelka on “Dancing with the Stars.” Far from it. Read all about his exploits (and occasional dancing) here at DWTSShow.com.

Nothing can stop their love — least of all common sense and any awareness of the words "Survivor" or "Villain."

My darling Russell,

This is a huge turning point in this game. This is not fake, I wouldn’t waste your time or mine. Just by competing against you and the few handshakes we’ve had, I feel like I can trust you.

That’s all it takes with me here on “Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains” — the 20th season in the franchise, so I should certainly know better — because I am still in fifth-grade. And so are the Angus beef cattle I herd over here in Heroes camp.

You thought Tyson made a dumbass move? So did I, and I cannot let Tyson beat me at anything. Play the idol tonight and save yourself. All the girls should be writing your name down so act like you know you’re going home.

I think you should write Parvati’s name down and send her home. Because she’s super cute and I’m jealous. You are my man. Since I am oblivious in general, I have no idea that you are under her thumb. Or that she has her own idol that she found with Danielle and didn’t share with you. And you probably don’t know how to spell her name, so even if you try to vote her out, you might accidentally vote out Courtney. I’ll understand.

I have also convinced most of my tribe to take my lead, which is why you can expect a stay-strong pep talk mid-immunity challenge from Colby “Superman Sucks” Donaldson. He can’t wait to shake your hand. We’re all so excited to take you to the final six! I mean, three!

If you happen to hear  Amanda “100 Days” Kimmel question this as a ridiculous idea, ignore her. She’s only almost won this game twice. I won it a full one time, thanks to my charming smile. So I know you will trust me.

This is your chance to prove you’re not a villain. This is also your chance to prove I am a moron. I know you won’t disappoint.

Hope you enjoyed the gratuitous Outback Steakhouse plugs.

XXOO,

JT

****Spoiler alert****** This photo is not technically a spoiler. It's mostly just Colby working on a comeback. Because he's dreamy like that. Having said that, the (alleged) winner is in this photo.

By Gina Carbone
gina_carbone@comcast.net

Because I’m obsessed with spoilers on (cheesy ass) shows like “The Bachelor” and “Project Runway,” I finally decided I was mentally and emotionally ready to see if there were also spoilers on “Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains,” the best season of “Survivor” in years. If not ever.

It had never occurred to me to “spoil” a “Survivor” season before. Usually I just like to watch in order and let myself be blindsided. But I realized I cannot handle the stress of seeing Russell Hantz go on and on and on without knowing what will happen — for better or worse. I’m just not that strong. I needed to prepare for the worst.

So after a two second Google search I immediately found this “leaked boot list” thing from RealityTVCalendar.com.

To quote their report, “Back in January we published the leaked Suvivor boot list that had been posted on several sites. As I write this article the show has premiered and there have been seven boots. All seven, in the predicted order, were correct on the boot list.”

Which means the winner will be … well … read ahead and maybe we can talk about in the comments or e-mail. (Yes, the finale is “live” but the votes were cast long before they are read aloud by Jeff Probst.)

I don’t want to spoil anything in big letters. Not yet, anyway. There are still plenty of spoiler-phobes out there. I won’t roll my eyes at them. Not yet, anyway.

********SPOILER ALERT********

THE BOOT LIST

1st boot: Sugar – Actual 1st Boot

2nd boot: Stephenie – Actual 2nd Boot

3rd boot: Randy – Actual 3rd Boot

4th boot: Cirie – Actual 4th Boot

5th boot: Tom – Actual 5th Boot

6th boot: Tyson – Actual 6th Boot

7th boot: James – Actual 7th Boot

8th boot: Boston Rob – Actual 8th Boot

9th boot- 1st juror: Coach – Actual 9th Boot

10th boot- 2nd juror: Courtney – Actual 10th Boot

11th boot- 3rd juror: J.T. – Actual 11th Boot

12th boot- 4th juror: Amanda – Actual 12th Boot

13th boot- 5th juror: Candice – Actual 13th Boot

14th boot- 6th juror: Danielle – Actual 14th Boot

15th boot- 7th juror: Rupert – Actual 15th Boot

16th boot- 8th juror: Colby

17th boot- 9th and final juror- Jerri

Final Three- Russell, Parvati, and Sandra

Third – Russell

Second – Parvati

Winner – Sandra

Catch up on my “Survivor” recaps in this nifty archive.

This really is a crap photo.

By Gina Carbone
gina_carbone@comcast.net

It actually seems like a reward to be eliminated from this cycle of “America’s Next Top Model.”

This is a great photo for anyone, but especially Angelea. Now stop picking fights just for fun. If you're bored, just knit or something. Play poker with the girls you do like.

Too much freakin’ drama in that house. Lots of mouths moving, not a whole lot of beauty happening.

Yes, Jessica Serfaty comes off as a smarmy know-it-all and I rolled my eyes when Brenda Arens talked about how she always goes to “uppity” parties back home in Houston.

It is nice to see Jessica knocked down a peg, but she's hardly the only one in the house with overconfidence issues.

But Raina Hein is right about Angelea Preston and Alasia Ballard — they are just angry and start drama for sport.

And what the heck is Angelea’s deal, following people around to purposely pick fights? What are you, 12?

Funny that (oblivious) judge Andre Leon Talley not only complimented her subway photo — which genuinely was the best of the week — but also complimented who she is as a person. Where was he even getting that?

My girl Nicole “Bloody Eyeball” Fox was right — it’s best to stay classy. All of these women could learn from that.

Anyway, on “New York Women,” Alasia made everyone late for the meeting at Seventeen where editor Ann Shoket had them all try on outfits to fit their body type. (Did she even apologize to the girls or just Jay and Ann?)

Later, the ladies had to mingle at a party with socialite Tinsley Mortimer. Alasia — who is loud enough when she thinks she’s being dissed — got shy and played with her hair and acted like the teenager she is.

Jessica, also 18, won that challenge because she told Tinsley that she picked out her dress because it fit her body type.

Really? This is a great shot that will sell makeup? Sorry, I'm not buying the whole Alexandra thing.

But when it came down to the subway photo shoot, Angelea rocked her Meatpacking fashionista look. As Brenda put it, she had to come off as a snob and maybe that helped her.

Brenda was supposed to be a student, but not only was her outfit fugly, she gave a lousy photo that did not look young or fresh.

Alasia, who has the energy and focus of a puppy, was not prepared for her shoot and ended up giving them just about nothing when she was supposed to be a model on the way to a go-see.

“There’s not a lot of there there,” as Ann Shoket put it.

Krista White, whose arms are so skinny they may disappear on us, was a beautiful aspiring actress. Anslee Payne-Franklin gave my second favorite pic as a snarky artist. I loved that twinkle in her eye. Yes, that would sell Cover Girl, Andre, because that’s a photo I would stop and look at.

Pictured left to right: Alasia, Raina, Anslee, Brenda, Krista, Angelea, Jessica and Alexandra

And is Alexandra Underwood really still there? I forgot she was even around until they raved over her Upper East Side photo. I was not impressed by it. But I am impressed by the idea that she may be keeping out of the drama in The Drama House.

Angelea got top photo and it actually did look “dynamite,” “magnificent” and “alluring” as Nigel Barker and Andre agreed. Nigel thought it was possibly the best picture of the whole season.

There really is no THERE there with Alasia.

The judges knocked Jessica’s “fake confidence” and Andre dismissed her picture as “flat.” They thought she was combative when they insulted her shoes. She did not seem remorseful when Tyra Banks pointed out they were not charmed by her change in attitude from sweet girl to megabitch.

Jessica should take a page from Angelea’s book and hide who she really is, at least in front of the judges.

Best photo, digital art: Angelea (This week alone I agree)

Runner up: Krista (She does have that Iman thing going on)

3rd: Raina (Still my favorite)
4th: Alexandra (I don’t get it)
5th: Anslee (Dark horse)
6th: Jessica (Just looks like another Gossip Girl)
7th: Alasia (Immediately burst into tears and probably didn’t even process a word of Tyra’s suggestions)

And so Brenda was sent home. To sweet relief, free from more time-wasting drama. Congrats, girl. Go have fun at your uppity parties.

At least Jay Leno will have a good home ... on Sarah's network. Conan can have his old spot back. Right?

By Gina Carbone
gina_carbone@comcast.net

It’s great to have Tina Fey back on “Saturday Night Live” — especially when she brings Sarah Palin along and still has time to make out with a man-sized brownie — but was the whole Justin Bieber thing really necessary?

I get if SNL is desperate for ratings, but what are the real expectations here? Won’t most of Justin’s (under 18) fans just tape the show and fast-forward through the non-Justin parts (including commercials)?

Maybe SNL tried to compensate for that by including Justin in Tina’s monologue and the teacher’s pet and school dance skits. He sang in two of those skits, of course — on top of his usual performances — and there were jokes about how perfect his hair and is and how “He’s like a dreamy Christmas elf.”

(Don’t hold out too many acting hopes for this kid. He made Michael Bublé’s cameo on the Jon Hamm show look Oscar worthy.)

There was a political cold opening, but instead of mining the gold that is Tina Fey = Sarah Palin, they had Fred Armisen as Obama again.

That Obama Census skit was OK, but what is wrong with you? I know Tina was just there to promote “Date Night” — thanks, Steve Martin, for stopping by to joke that you were in it, when it was really Steve Carell — but there was only one Sarah skit and it didn’t even (directly) involve the Tea Party movement.

They spent more time making fun of Tiger Woods.

And, of course, acting like Justin Bieber’s fans were really there. It was kind of awkward seeing him push the mic out to the audience during “Baby,” as if the adult New Yorkers were going to burst out and finish the chorus. Wrong crowd, man.

Tina came back for a Weekend Update on “women’s news,” which included bashing Tiki Barber (nope, he didn’t get to slide under the radar) and “whores” like Bombshell McGee.

“I know we shouldn’t judge people based on their appearance, but when your body looks like a dirtbag’s binder from 7th grade metal shop, it doesn’t bode well for your character.”

Snap!

But I don’t think she said Jesse James’ name once. She just went off on the “whores” who sleep with married men, especially Bombshell. You know, the Jesses and the Tigers are the ones who made the vows.  They could always just say no. And, not to stick up for her, but Bombshell was not Jesse’s only woman.

The real women’s movement will be when women stop holding other women 100 percent accountable for things that are at least 50 percent men’s fault.

And if Tina is so concerned with “whores,” why did she spend so much of the show dressed like one? You can be sexy, we get it. Stop trying to be Pamela Anderson on “Dancing with the Stars.” It isn’t even working for Pamela Anderson.

But at least Jason Sudeikis got to play the devil.  That made me happy. Can I get a Brownie Husband shaped like him?

***

COLD OPENING

Fred Armisen as Barack Obama, again, about the 2010 Census. New questions on the sheet, like “How important is the role of fantasy in your sex life?” It was pretty funny, but even at four minutes it felt long. And you have Obama with Tina Fey as host and no Sarah Palin in the Cold Open? Really, Seth & Amy? Really.

MONOLOGUE

It’s her second time hosting. She joked that there were hundreds of girls downstairs “so I guess I’m more of a role model than I thought.” But she acknowledged they were there for Justin Bieber. She said she worked with him before, when he was one of the babies in “Baby Mama,” two years ago.

Tina's monologue was kinda weak.

She talked about how much she hates being asked how she “juggles” family and work. She thanked the village it takes to get everything done. “I’m Every Woman.” Her nanny. Her child’s nanny. Weird Will Forte moment. Her husband was played for this one time only by New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez.

Steve Martin was her tax accountant, who joked that he loved working with her on “Date Night.” “That was Steve Carell,” she said. She thanked Justin Bieber for helping her to get the high ratings. (Will he, though?)

“I’m gonna dress up like Sarah Palin later. Stick around we’ll be right back!”

Good to know.

But this? This I love.

DUNCAN HINES COMMERCIAL

Tina Fey “Brownie Husband” ad. A giant brownie man?! I’m sold. And I did get highlights today! Love this. Can I get one of these and a Closet Organizer?

CBS SPORTS — MASTERS

You had to know they were going to spoof Tiger Woods at the Masters. And they did. Jason Sudeikis and Bill Hader as sportscasters. Tina Fey as Ashlyn St. Cloud, loud blonde leopard-striped commentator. She said Tiger’s face looked like he wanted “that filthy Ambien zombie sex.”

“PS. If Asians and Indians can compete with black people it’s not a sport.” (!)

This is the kind of generically trashy part Abby Elliott or Jenny Slate could’ve played. And it goes on too long. Give Tina the good stuff!

TIGER WOODS COMMERCIAL

Black and white ad with Kenan Thompson as Tiger and a voice-over talking about how he doesn’t want anyone to use his voice after he’s gone…

SARAH PALIN NETWORK

Tina Fey as Sarah. “You know, ever since I won the silver medal in last year’s vice presidential election I’ve made it my goal to connect with as many people in this great nation as possible.”

She said the next logical step for her is to start her own network.

You’ll find we aim for the heartland with Sarah Palin Network original stories like …

“My Daughter Only Sprained Her Ankle, You Can’t Seriously Be Considering Euthanizing Her.”

Andy Samberg as a doctor who claimed the Obamacare death panel said a little girl’s ankle injury was prohibitive and “We’ll have to put her down.” Jenny Slate as daughter. Kristen Wiig as mom screaming “Nooo!” I bet she’s screaming because Tina is going to take all her usual roles this week.

I actually like the “Elites” idea of playing footage of a bunch of smartypants professors and superimposing the teacher’s voice from Charlie Brown. Could be a good show.

And her “Hey Journalist, I Gotcha” idea to re-edit interviews to make journalists — like Katie Couric — look like they were the ones who were “woefully unprepared.”

I love Jason Sudeikis as Todd Palin!

OK, this was a good skit. So far they have put all the eggs in this basket. And the brownie basket.

TEACHER’S PET

Justin Bieber as Jason, a student in a class Tina teaches. Two students (Bobby Moynihan and Fred Armisen) complain about their grades. Then Justin is nice to her and she decides he’s her favorite student ever.

“Plus his smile is like watching a baby bunny sniff a tiny flower.”

Oh oh. Now Justin is singing about “The Lady With The Big Brown Eyes.” Come on. Adults want to watch Tina be funny. Don’t torture us.

I do like how she says she loves how his hair seems to know exactly where it wants to go.

“Look at him. He’s like a dreamy Christmas elf.”

I don’t think I have enough Bieber Fever for how long this skit is going.

OK

JUSTIN PERFORMS

“Baby.” Black jackets and colorful shoes. I don’t feel too weird for knowing all the words to this song, since there are only about a dozen. Just repeat them enough and they become ingrained. Weird how he jumped up and put the mic out like the SNL audience would be singing along. No dear. These are not your tween followers.

WEEKEND UPDATE

Jason Sudeikis as the devil, talking about how the priests messing with kids thing actually offends him. The hypocrisy gets to him. And he doesn’t appreciate how the Vatican said it was all “the devil’s work.” “I do plagues, I do earthquakes, I do all the training for Walgreens cashiers, OK, but I don’t do no coverup for child molesters, man. I can’t wait for these priests to show up on my turf.”

Ha!

Jason always looks good in red, but nothing beats his red tracksuit in the "What Up With That" skits.

Nice bit about how the devil has a son — the TMZ guy.

Kristen Wiig comes out as “Aunt Linda,” who reviews movies.  No. This should be Michaela Watkins as Angie Tempura. Bitch pleeze. I want her back!

Tina Fey talks about women’s issues. She talked about the Oscar curse as just a lady curse. She dissed Tiki Barber, and said the real curse is there are women like Bombshell McGee around.

Seems to me the real curse is there are men like Jesse James around. She failed to mention that.

AL ROKER’S RUFF, RUGGED AND ROKER

Kenan Thompson as Al Roker, “The Weather Mac.”

Tina Fey as Dina Lohan, Lindsay and Ali’s mom.

Nasim Pedrad as Kim Kardashian.

This is a pass.

SCHOOL DANCE

Nasim Pedrad as nerdy teen Jenny, who adores her mom (Tina Fey), who was working the coat check at the school dance. Mom wanted her to hang out with her friends, but the girl just wanted to hang with her mom. Lots of inappropriate compliments from daughter to mom. I want to be that woman who wears Harry Potter jewelry and lets birds fly free in her home! That sounds pretty cool, actually.

Oh God. Justin Bieber is back. He worships his dad. They dance. There’s no getting rid of this kid.

JUSTIN BIEBER PERFORMS

“U Smile.” No dancers this time. Just Justin in black at the mic. The mic looks a little high for him. “Whenever Tina smiles I smile.”

BAR

Tina as a tiny 9″-tall hooker at the bar. Weird. And not good potato chip weird. Although she did mention a bidet. Nice shout out to the already-classic Zach Galifianakis skit with Kristen Wiig.

***

Read some of my past SNL stories here in my little archive.

Don’t forget, Betty White is hosting on May 8!

Here’s the upcoming schedule, stolen straight from Wikipedia:

Anthony is out. Emilio is in. And since he won his fourth challenge in a row (sort of, they liked his Big Top look best) — five total — he is considered the frontrunner.

By Gina Carbone
gina_carbone@comcast.net

OK, so Emilio Sosa was not eliminated before reaching the finals on “Project Runway” season 7. Not sure why he would’ve been, but that was one of the (wrong!) spoilers out there.

The judges were unanimous (including guest Cynthia Rowley) that his circus design was the best on “The Big, Top Designers.”

He didn’t officially win, it seemed, but you could count this four wins in a row. Five total.

So his ego is now officially out of control.

The final four going to Fashion Week:

Emilio Sosa
Seth Aaron Henderson
Mila Hermanovski
Jay Nicolas Sario

Jay and Mila don't get along. Why? Is it because their models don't get along? Brandeis seems like a brat.

I like Mila. Why is she considered some kind of bad guy?

Not going to the finals: Anthony Williams, who returned to the show last week when Maya Luz quit. (Whatever you want to call it Maya, you quit.)

But Jay and Mila have to do that thing where they both make collections and only one of them will get to Bryant Park.

Then again, 10 designers showed at Bryant Park this year, so getting to Bryant Park has lost its special flavor.

I am rooting hard for Seth Aaron. And not just because Emilio has a big ego and is disrespectful to Tim Gunn. Seth’s designs are consistently my favorites.

*Spoiler* Check out the 10 fashion week collections here.

By Gina Carbone

Earlier today we were treated to intel on Alexander Skarsgard on the cover of the May issue of Details. Details on that here.

This is on top of weekly “True Blood” season 3 teaser videos and posters here on HBO.com.

And now we get to see 13 new photos from the upcoming season.

I’m posting some of my favorites below. Check them all out here.

Sookie + Eric = True Blood Season 3. Please? Make sure to keep the focus on them.

Denis O'Hare is on a horse! Does he smell like Old Space or a lady? He plays Russell Edgington.

James Frain! So glad to see him find a home after "The Tudors" (and everything else). He plays Franklin Mott.

Love, love, love Pam. More of her this season, please.

Pam & Jessica. Love Kristin Bauer and Deborah Ann Woll.

More Eric is always good, but can we talk about the hair? I know it's because Alex was in "Straw Dogs," but can't they give him some ... help or something? I'm worried.

This is my favorite moment. The little false modest "pshaw" from Coach when Jeff pointed out that he got the Villains' only point during the immunity challenge. Oh, and nice feather in your hair.

By Gina Carbone
gina_carbone@comcast.net

Please tell me I’m not the only one who sees that JT is the Villain of the Heroes. No only that, he’s the Russell of the Heroes.

Actually, he’s even more of a Villain than Russell.

After being the one to make the speech last week that the Heroes should look for the hidden idol together (ala Boston Rob for the Villains), the first chance he got, JT went after the idol alone (ala Russell).

This is why I’ve been saying SINCE DAY ONE that the Heroes should kick JT & his dimples to the curb.

They didn’t get their chance this week because the Villains — can it be true? — suck open ass without Boston Rob.

Yeah, the Dragon Slayer is gone from “Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains.” The “determined little bitch” outlasted the “frigging lunatic.”

Yay, more one-liners from Courtney! And more useless limping through challenges!

It’s probably for the best, since Courtney insulted Coach at tribal council and we know that usually ends in tears. With Tyson gone, who would pump Coach’s ego back into a puffy cloud of delusion?

Whatever. Coach could’ve saved himself last week by writing, say, RUSSELL on the little piece of paper instead of Courtney.

But he didn’t.

And as vengeance for Russell kicking out Boston Rob, the leader of their alliance, Sandra and Courtney … voted out Coach?

Maybe it’s just me, but that doesn’t make a lick of sense.

For one thing, you are letting Russell dominate the entire game. No one who sits next to this man in the final two can win. Except maybe JT on the other side. Maybe. But actually, probably not now that Candice and Amanda are onto his phoniness.

For another thing, the first thing Rupert said when he saw that the Villains had voted out Boston Rob was that the Villains must have an all-woman alliance.

So the smart thing to do would’ve been to get rid of one of the women. Whether it’s Courtney or Sandra or — better yet — Danielle, Parvati or Jerri, that would’ve at least saved the women of the Villains from looking like the dominant group.

Especially since in the preview for next week’s episode it looks like JT is considering giving Russell the hidden idol he found. They want to save him!

I don’t know what I’d do if that kind of perfect storm of idiocy occurred, but I think Russell’s ego might actually explode at that point. So that would be the upside.

This is what happens when you have an all-stars season where no one has seen one player in action. They don’t know what he can do. If they DID they would not be buying this act.

Coach is the first member of the jury. It’s looking like the merge is coming fast.

What will happen?

This is just a guess, but I predict Jerri will blame others for her own bad decisions; Parvati will cackle like an evil stepsister; JT will lie to someone’s face; Danielle will say something so stupid I will have to pause and replay it; Russell will congratulate himself for other people’s dumb moves; and Jeff Probst will deserve an Emmy for pointing out all of the bad decisions without cussing everyone out.

But that’s just a guess.

***

ABOUT LAST WEEK…

Recap of Rob as the Hero of the Villains. Did he go too soft? Is it Amber’s fault that he lost? Can we blame her anyway?

Parvati and her godawful laugh sucked up to Russell talking about how it was such a great move to dump Rob. Right.

Danielle and Parvati went off on how much fun it was blindsiding someone. Hope it happens to you too, kids.

Oh Lord. Jerri already misses Boston Rob. In her revisionist history, she was never happy to be rid of him. Never! What made you think that? The fact that she voted him out?

Never let this woman have children. She’ll regret it immediately. Then want  another one. Then regret it. Repeat.

Coach, for some reason, asked Jerri if they should go to the final five with Russell or try to make a play. Why are you asking her?

Jerri said they should just wait and see what happens at the merge.

The Philosophy of Coach: “The Villains are in the crapper. I don’t think we’ll win another challenge. We’re done. We’re toast. Pray for the merge.”

Here’s the thing: It’s bad enough that Jerri can’t be trusted to make a single decision beyond what hat to wear. But, worse, Coach is following her lead. If Dumb and Dumber make it to the end I’ll laugh my ass off.

***

SOME OF THE HEROES ARE FINALLY ON TO JT’S DUPLICITY

JT, proving himself again on the wrong tribe, pulls a Russell Hantz and looks for the idol himself.

Except Russell never said they would look for it as a tribe first. JT did.

Amanda always happens to be there when Heroes find idols. Notice that? She’s good.

Candice spotted him, too. So in champion JT style he decided to “come clean” and make himself the hero of the Heroes for just doing the task for them.

But Candice and Amanda know better. They know he only came clean because they spotted him.

Thank God! Candice sees the play. She sees him running the show. She sees no one calling him out. She sees that he’s “The Golden Boy.”

Go go go go go! Keep on him, Candice. Keep challenging Amanda on JT. I feel like we’re about to break the Watergate story.

***

VILLAINS PICK UP CAMP … FOR NO GOOD REASON

Jerri said she needs some real food or she’s gonna die.

Coach, who is really Dwight from The Office, said no she won’t die. Give him a minute and he’ll quote some obscure facts on bears.

They got a note about something that said “your” best meal is waiting.

Parvati, who needs to be thrown into the sea with no life raft, started smiling and squeeing about how they think it’s a merge.

***

THE NON-MERGE/SURVIVOR BOWLING

HA! Best line from Rupert: “It sure looks like they got a woman’s alliance.”

NICE diss to Russell. He of the “dumbass girl alliance” on Samoa.

But it does help him because if the Heroes think he’s going to be desperate for help it puts him in a good place. DAMN IT.

Jeff said to drop your expectations. (The name of the episode is “Expectations.” Huzzah, Jeff!) It’s not a merge. The dumbass Villains alliance brought all their stuff for nothing.

Btw, bowling rocks. But I always twist my wrist too much.

Sandra and Courtney are sitting out for the Villains, Coach decided, because Sandra is one of those “whatever you want to do” types. I hate people who can’t make decisions.

They are playing to 3 points:

Parvati gets a gutterball
Rupert knocks over 3 pins
Parvati gets gutterball

Heroes win 1st point

JT knocks down 6 pins
Danielle gets a gutterball
JT gets gutterball
Danielle does another gutterball

(Pause — women can bowl! Really! My mom was in a league for years. She kicks ass.)

Heroes win 2nd

Russell got “an absolute goose egg” gutterball
Colby got a gutterball. Dang it!
Russell knocks over 5
Colby, for the love of God, just knocks over 1

Villains win 1st (Colby, why did you just help Russell?)

Coach knocks over 5 pins
Amanda knocks over 5 pins
Coach knocks over 1 pin
Amanda knocks over 2 pins

Heroes won 3rd and win the feast

(By the way, loved the dramatic music during the Coach/Amanda battle. It did seem rather orchestrated, that final 2 pin finale.)

***

HEROES FEAST

In classic “We’re on a little bit of a roll” fashion, the Heroes expressed deep love for each other. They are “The Fantastic Five.” They are so happy. Great for them, but you won a reward, not immunity. Wake up.

They discuss the “all girls” alliance. Oh no. They believe Russell and Coach are on the outs on the other side.

The producers are to blame. They set this up. Somehow, I know it.

***

VILLAINS BITCH FEST

Jerri went on a rampage about how if Rob were here he never would’ve let Courtney and Sandra sit out in the rewards challenge because now they are “screwed” in the immunity challenge. They have to perform and they are the weakest.

Well then, Jerri, why did you vote Rob out? And why didn’t you — or Sandra or Courtney — speak up when Jeff was asking who they would sit out.

Why did you leave it all to Coach to decide at the last second because Jeff happened to call his name?

Maybe you shouldn’t be dissing Coach in front of everyone when he is the only one who is loyal to you.

Sandra told the camera the Villains were the worst tribe ever and she should be with the Heroes.

Don’t forget, the Villains still have more people.

Sandra and Courtney had a pow-wow. Sandra wants to plant a Russell Seed with Russell that Coach is trying to kick him out.

It’s their big plan to get rid of Coach.

Why get rid of Coach instead of Russell? That makes no sense.

They’re in danger of seeing Russell the way most people see JT. Do they have some kind of mental block on him when considering people to dump?

If they were smart, they’d consider either dumping Russell or dumping one of the women to show the Heroes they do not have an all-woman alliance.

Getting rid of Coach actually helps Russell build his sympathy vote with the Heroes when they do merge.

Coach told Courtney he didn’t want to play without Tyson or Rob.

Oh, OK Coach. So why did you put down Courtney’s name instead of Russell’s? You could have sent him home.

Courtney told Coach she knew she was going next.

Sandra planted her Russell Seed.

It’s a great plan in theory — I LOVE the idea that someone is pulling the rug over on Russell — but think of the long game. After the merge, it’s just going to look like even more of an all-woman alliance.

And Russell knows it. He and Parvati did their evil cackling again.

So no matter what, Russell is in good shape. UNLESS THEY VOTE HIM OFF. Come on, just do it already.

***

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

Jerri and Danielle sit out for the Villains.

Some kind of rope-tied mud digging obstacle course where two people have to go through the course together, grab a flag and go back.

Going for 3.

1. Russell & Sandra vs. Amanda & Candice — A&C got through very easily. Sandra was dead weight in the mud. Getting stuck. Russell was ticked with her. If he gets just ticked enough, maybe he’ll get rid of her. That would actually be good in the long term.

Heroes get 1 point

2. Coach vs. Rupert — They both did very well but Coach won for the Villains.

Villains get 1 point

3. JT & Colby vs. Parvati & Courtney — Easy win for the Heroes. Not even close.

Heroes get 1 point

Heroes win immunity.

Courtney hurt her ankle. Hate to say it, but she really is useless in challenges.

I’m feeling very Foa Foa Foursome about The Fantastic Five Heroes.

Danielle told the camera she wants Courtney gone because she’s a competitor and she hates losing.

Well, if you really wanted a strong tribe you probably should’ve kept ROB and voted yourself out instead.

***

WHO SHOULD THE VILLAINS DITCH?

Nice short-term plan to ditch Coach and save your alliance-mate Courtney, but what about after the merge when the Heroes think all you ladies are together? And Russell and Parvati go along with that idea?

Coach wants to dump Courtney because she is weak.

Russell wants to get rid of Coach. He already talked to his women and he believes Courtney and Sandra will write Coach’s name down, too.

Danielle wants to get rid of Courtney because she thinks they need Coach.

Russell said he didn’t know where her head was at, blah blah blah. They had a tiff.

Russell freaked out and screamed at her.

But at no point does Danielle realize that what she should do is get rid of Russell.

Russell told Danielle and Parvati he might’ve had a change of heart. They can always vote off Coach but now they should get rid of Courtney.

Parvati wonders why they can’t get their act together (no kidding) and make a decision.

Tip: It’s ‘cause you suck. (It’s fun to regress to 8th grade!)

***

TRIBAL COUNCIL

HA! I love Coach’s little pshaw when Jeff pointed out that he was the only one who scored a point in their immunity challenge.

Jeff questioned their plan to get rid of Boston Rob.

He also pointed out how many times Courtney has sat out their challenges.

Russell’s eyebrows need to be slapped.

Coach vs. Courtney.

Uh oh. Coach got his back up again. Courtney sort of suggested he demoralized the tribe and now, with Tyson gone, he has no shoulder to cry on. Except Jerri, I guess.

Courtney described herself as “a determined little bitch” who outlasted many stronger players. True.

Courtney called Coach “a frigging lunatic.”

1st vote — Coach
2nd — Coach
3rd – Courtney
4th — Courtney
5th — Courtney
6th — Coach

7th — Coach

First member of the jury: Coach

He patted Russell on the back as he left. I bet he’s now rooting for Russell to win. Coach really is a bit of a frigging lunatic, non?

Russell wrote down Courtney’s name. That’ll probably help him with Coach, but what about his tribemates? Parvati will know what he’s doing. Is she really in control of this alliance?

***

THESE PEOPLE ARE STILL AROUND

HEROES
Rupert Boneham (Pearl Islands, All-Stars)
Colby Donaldson (Australian Outback, All-Stars)
Amanda Kimmel (China, Fans vs. Favorites)
JT Thomas (Tocantins)
Candice Woodcock (Cook Islands)

VILLAINS
Sandra Diaz (Pearl Islands)
Danielle DiLorenzo (Panama)
Russell Hantz (Samoa)
Jerri Manthey (Australian Outback, All-Stars)
Parvati Shallow (Cook Islands, Fans vs. Favorites)
Courtney Yates (China)

They don't even have this photo on the official ABC "Bachelorette" site. They just have the old blue-shirted Ali. Update that site, someone!

By Gina Carbone

ABC just upchucked its summer 2010 schedule and it’s heavy on the kind of total crap I love.

I’ll post the whole schedule — why not — but I’m starting out of order with the most important stuff: “Bachelor Pad” and “The Bachelorette.”

But when I say “important” I don’t mean the information is important to read, since there are NO NEW DETAILS. Zip. They don’t announce the names of Ali Fedotowsky’s men or the names of the 20 freaks to fill the “Bachelor Pad” funhouse.

They do, however, insist that Ali’s voice is “sexy raspy.”

Oh.

That’s not what I recall thinking as she whined “I don’t knooooooooowwwww!” 100 times while not deciding whether to stay with Jake Pavelka or run off to a job that probably can’t wait to see the back of her.

Btw, If you want real pre-spoiler stuff on “The Bachelorette” I would recommend the crazy beautiful souls at Fans of Reality TV and, as things progress, Reality Steve.

Warning: Right now Steve appears to be in lick-my-wounds mode, sniffing that there’s not much to talk about before Ali’s taping ends and the spoilers come out.

Wrong. He’s just used to being handed intel while the people at Fans of Reality TV are doing real “sleuthing.” They even use that cool word. Steve has no cool words until his sources give them to him. That’s right. I said it.

******

BACHELOR PAD – PREMIERES MONDAY, AUGUST 9 (8:00-10:00 p.m.) – Twenty of the most unforgettable contestants/suitors from the hit franchise “The Bachelor” will reunite – all under one roof – for the all-new series “Bachelor Pad.” The series, the first “all-star” reunion from previous seasons of “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette,” will feature the participants living together in a house in a competitive reality show. The show will also offer the 20 now-single contestants a “second chance” at finding love, something that didn’t quite work out during their first stint on “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette.”

Each week the reunited contestants will compete in challenges, some of which are inspired by incidents from prior seasons. Each two-hour episode will conclude with evictions from the residence. At the end of the six-episode run, one contestant will emerge victorious and will take home a cash prize — and who knows, maybe even have found “the one.” Participants and further details about the prize will be announced at a later date.

“The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette” host Chris Harrison will host “Bachelor Pad.” Executive producers of “Bachelor Pad” are Mike Fleiss, Martin Hilton and Jay Bienstock. The series is from Next Entertainment in association with Warner Horizon Television.

******

THE BACHELORETTE – PREMIERES MONDAY, MAY 24 (9:00-11:00 p.m.), AND MOVES TO ITS REGULAR TIMESLOT (8:00-10:02 p.m.) ON MONDAY, MAY 31 – Ali Fedotowsky has finally decided to risk it all for love. The energetic and charismatic career-oriented woman from San Francisco has re-prioritized her life – and now love comes out on top. She will have her own opportunity to find her soul mate when she stars in the sixth edition of “The Bachelorette.”

Ali, 25, has been a fan favorite from the moment she stepped out of the limo with her sexy raspy voice and a peacock feather to meet Jake Pavelka on the last season of “The Bachelor.” She became the front-runner for Jake’s heart, but instead they found themselves in a heartbreaking situation when she made a gut-wrenching decision to choose a job she loved over the man she loved. Ali made the surprising safe choice to go back to work, but regretted it immediately. By the time she sorted out her work affairs, Jake had already moved on with his search for love with the three fabulous women who stayed with him, and he did not allow Ali to return. But it’s not too late for Ali now. Admitting that she made one of the biggest mistakes of her life, she has let go of everything this time – her apartment, her job, her stability – to really make a life-changing commitment to put her heart first.

Hosted by Chris Harrison, “The Bachelorette” is produced by Next Entertainment in association with Warner Horizon Television. Mike Fleiss and Martin Hilton are the executive producers.

******

TRUE BEAUTY – PREMIERES MONDAY, MAY 31 (10:02-11:00 p.m.) – Executive producers Tyra Banks (“The Tyra Banks Show,” “America’s Next Top Model”) and Ashton Kutcher (executive producer of “Punk’d” and “Beauty and the Geek”) team up again to put their spin on beauty in Sin City. Five gorgeous women and five hot men will live together at Planet Hollywood Hotel and think they’re competing to become the “Face of Vegas.” Unbeknownst to them, they will be challenged and be put in moral situations to see which contestant really is kind, generous, compassionate and has what it takes to be truly beautiful inside and out.

At the end of eight episodes, one winner will be declared after successfully demonstrating that their inner beauty matches their outer beauty. The winner will receive a $100,000 cash prize and a feature article in People magazine.

Vanessa Minnillo (former host of “ET”) returns as a host and judge, but will only reveal herself to the contestants once they’re eliminated. Carson Kressley (“Queer Eye for the Straight Guy”) will host as well as judge, and put his spin on things in a way only he can. Beth Ostrosky Stern, the wife of self-described “King of All Media” Howard Stern, will be making her broadcast television debut and share her opinions on beauty being a former model herself.

Executive producers of “True Beauty” are Denise Cramsey (ABC’s “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition”), Tyra Banks and Laura Armstrong for Bankable Productions, and Ashton Kutcher, Jason Goldberg, Karey Burke and Rod Aissa for Katalyst Productions. The series is a production of Warner Horizon Television.

WIPEOUT – SPECIAL TWO-HOUR SNEAK PEEK BLIND DATE-THEMED EPISODE TUESDAY, JUNE 1 (8:00-10:00 p.m.), BEFORE THE SERIES PREMIERE TUESDAY, JUNE 22 (8:00-10:00 p.m.) — ABC’s hit summer series “Wipeout” returns for Season Three. In a special sneak peek “Wipeout Blind Date”-themed episode, love is in the air as 12 single guys and 12 single girls are paired to take on the “Wipeout” course as their first date and a chance to win a grand prize of $100,000. New stunts to be featured this season are the Overdrive, Bruise Ball and Spin Cycle.

Contestants will compete in the world’s largest extreme obstacle course, providing the biggest spills and spectacular wipeouts ever seen on television. “Wipeout” was recently nominated for a Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Award and was named Entertainment Weekly’s best Guilty Pleasure Reality TV show of all time.

The third season of “Wipeout” will feature brand new, bigger, better and wilder obstacles, in addition to specially themed episodes including “Ladies Night” and “Family Edition.” Each week, 24 energetic new contestants of all ages, shapes and sizes go head to head through four rounds of demanding but hilarious obstacle courses to win the title of “Wipeout Champion” and the $50,000 grand prize. In the end, only one contestant will be victorious, while everyone else will Wipeout!

The series is hosted by John Anderson (ESPN’s “SportsCenter,”), John Henson (“Talk Soup”) and co-hosted by Jill Wagner. “Wipeout” executive producers are Matt Kunitz (“Fear Factor”) and Scott Larsen. Shye Sutherland, Kevin Wehrenberg, Trice Barto and J. Rupert Thompson are co-executive producers. The series is produced by Endemol USA. David Goldberg is the chairman of Endemol North America

THE GATES – PREMIERES SUNDAY, JUNE 20 (9:00-10:00 p.m.) – Nestled inside a private mountain community are The Gates. The image of perpetual suburban bliss, each street is lined with perfectly manicured homes protected by the massive iron gates, but a dark and delicious secret is buried just beneath the surface of this picturesque neighborhood.

Like most families that settle inside The Gates, the Monahans are unmoored from a complicated life they abandoned in Chicago. Named the new police chief of The Gates, Nick Monahan is expecting a change of pace in this quiet suburb. Nick’s wife, Sarah, and their children, Charlie and Dana, are embarking on new adventures as well. Their house is to die for, but amidst the excitement, Sarah is still burdened with the revelation that her husband may not be the man she thought he was. Charlie and Dana will also face some challenges of their own: Along with navigating the trials and tribulations of adolescence, they’ll also face the daunting task of fitting into their new upscale school, where their new friends run in tight-knit packs.

There’s something very different about this place, almost… haunting. Unions will be complicated by friends with unnatural influence, insatiable housewives will struggle with ravenous cravings, and teenagers will be cursed with keeping their beastly instincts in check. The Monahans are facing an uncertain fate. Nick is about to be tangled up in a mystery where he will begin to piece together the dark truth about their new home, and the supernatural elements that lurk behind the shadows of The Gates.

“The Gates” stars Frank Grillo as Nick Monohan, Marisol Nichols as Sarah Monahan, Rhona Mitra as Claire Radcliff, Luke Mably as Dylan Radcliff, Travis Caldwell as Charlie Monohan, Skyler Samuels as Andie Bates, Colton Haynes as Brett Crezski, Chandra West as Devon, Victoria Platt as Peg Mueller, Justin Miles as Marcus Jordan and Janina Gavankar as Leigh Turner. “The Gates” is produced by Fox Television Studios. The series is executive-produced by Gina Matthews and written and executive-produced by Grant Scharbo and Richard Hatem.

SCOUNDRELS – PREMIERES SUNDAY, JUNE 20 (10:00-11:00 p.m.) – “Scoundrels” is a one-hour comedy/drama series produced by ABC Studios that focuses on a family of small-time criminals who try to go straight after the father is sent to prison. Virginia Madsen, Independent Spirit Award winner as well as an Academy Award and Golden Globe nominee (“Sideways,” “The Astronaut Farmer”), will play Cheryl West, the mother who must take charge and try to keep her kids on the straight and narrow.

“Scoundrels” also stars David James Elliott as Wolfgang “Wolf” West; Patrick Flueger as Logan West/Calvin “Cal” West; Leven Rambin as Heather West; Vanessa Marano as Hope West and Carlos Bernard as Sergeant Mack.

“Scoundrels” is based on a New Zealand series entitled “Outrageous Fortune.” Lyn Greene & Richard Levine (“Nip/Tuck”) and Francie Calfo serve as executive producers. John Barnett, whose company, South Pacific Pictures, produces the New Zealand series, will also be an executive producer. Co-executive producers will include Michael Larkin, Michael Goldstein, Bruce Cervi and John Lansing.

ROOKIE BLUE – PREMIERES THURSDAY, JUNE 24 (9:00-10:00 p.m.) – A fun, fresh, high-stakes drama with a twist of danger follows the lives of five young, ambitious cops right out of the Academy. From their very first day on the job, these rookies are plunged into the world of big city policing, a world where even the smallest mistake can have life-or-death consequences and serious emotional fall-out. The soul of this close-knit group is 26-year-old perfectionist Andy McNally (Missy Peregrym). Honest to a fault, all Andy has ever wanted to be is “good police.” Her father was a cop, and while he wasn’t the best cop — or the best father – Andy knows she’ll never find this sense of family, loyalty and excitement in any other job. The series explores the trials, triumphs, competition and camaraderie of Andy and her rookie family — boyfriends, best friends, mentors and competitors — who are about to learn that no amount of training can prepare them for life.

“Rookie Blue” stars Missy Peregrym as Andy McNally, Gregory Smith as Dov Epstein, Charlotte Sullivan as Gail Peck, Enuka Okuma as Traci Nash and Travis Milne as Chris Diaz. Tassie Cameron, Ilana Frank, David Wellington, Noreen Halpern and John Morayniss are the executive producers. “Rookie Blue” is produced by Thump Inc. and E1 Entertainment. E1 holds all international rights to the drama series.

ABC NEWS’ BOSTON MED – PREMIERES THURSDAY, JUNE 24 (10:00-11:00 p.m.) – “Boston Med” picks up where the Peabody Award-winning “Hopkins” left off, going even deeper into the lives of caregivers and the cutting edge medical cases they confront inside the walls of America’s top hospitals. In this original eight-hour series, the unforgettable stories of doctors, nurses and patients are adeptly woven to give each hour the pace and intensity of a drama. Whether it’s the young resident in crisis doubting that she’s good enough to become a Harvard-trained doctor, or the deployed soldier’s pregnant wife praying for a miracle surgery to save her baby, “Boston Med” is sure to touch your heart. Filmed over four months at Massachusetts General, Brigham and Women’s, and Children’s Hospital Boston, this powerfully real series breaks new ground in the documentary landscape. Meet the charismatic Hollywood producer before either he or the filmmakers realize that, through a twist of fate, his face will be transplanted onto a Vietnam veteran badly scarred in an accident. The second face transplant performed in this country and the first anywhere to be so extensively filmed, this operation involved two dozen surgeons and up to a hundred additional doctors and nurses. It’s a stunning example of both the high caliber medicine and the unprecedented and unique access captured by the filmmakers in “Boston Med.”

DOWNFALL – PREMIERES TUESDAY, JUNE 29 (9:00-10:00 p.m.) “Downfall” is a unique, high-stakes, adrenaline-charged and larger-than-life game show from FremantleMedia North America (“The Price Is Right,” “Family Feud,” “Let’s Make a Deal”). Played atop a tall building in the middle of a metropolitan landscape, the game has contestants quickly answer a series of trivia questions against the clock. If they play the perfect game, they could leave with a million dollars in cash and prizes. But if not, they could just as easily see their hopes and dreams slip through their fingers and off the side building — literally.

ABC NEWS’ PRIMETIME: MIND GAMES – PREMIERES TUESDAY, JULY 20 (10:00-11:00 p.m.) – The newest of Primetime’s collection of limited series, this five-episode series takes you into the darkest corners of the human mind and how it can be twisted—real cases where “reality” gives way to fantasy. Discover what it’s like to live a double life. Go inside an interrogation room to see the games police play to get suspects to confess—whether they’re guilty or not. Hear from people who slavishly followed their new age leader into horrifying circumstances. Go inside the minds of kids who kill, and behind the scenes of the real-life War of the Roses—husbands and wives who turn their homes into battlefields.

DATING IN THE DARK – PREMIERES MONDAY, AUGUST 9 (10:00-11:00 p.m.) – Back for its second season, “Dating in the Dark” is the unique reality series that asks the age-old question, “Is Love Blind?” Each week three single men and three single women, all looking for love, will move into a house together, but be totally sequestered from the opposite sex. While they’ll have no chance of seeing each other in the light, they will have the opportunity to date in a completely dark room. Looks will be taken out of the equation as the men and women get to know each other and form bonds in total darkness. After several days of dating in the dark room, the participants will select the one member of the opposite sex that they want to see revealed in the light. For the first time, the participants will see whom they’ve been dating, wooing, kissing and forming bonds with. And after they see each other in the light for the first time, they have to make the difficult decision… do they stay with the person they fell for in the dark, or leave them behind? Hosted by Rossi Moreale.

“Dating in the Dark” is produced by Endemol USA, a division of Endemol holding, along with Talpa Content, the format department of Dutch media entrepreneur John’s de Mol’s company. David Goldberg is the North America Chairman of Endemol USA. The series is executive-produced by Tom Shelly.

SHAQ VS – PREMIERES TUESDAY, AUGUST 10 (9:00-10:00 p.m.) – “Shaq VS” stars Shaquille O’Neal as he faces off against top athletes in their respective fields. In Season One, O’Neal faced off against Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh in beach volleyball, the St. Louis Cardinals’ Albert Pujols in baseball, Oscar de la Hoya in boxing and Michael Phelps in swimming. Episodes in Season Two will not rely solely on sporting matches but will also feature some fun, comedic non-sports competitions such as a spelling bee contest or a dance crew battle, among others. Casting for the second season is currently underway.

“Shaq VS” is produced by Media Rights Capital in association with dick clark productions. Orly Adelson, Will Staeger and Barry Adelman of dick clark productions, Shaquille O’Neal, Scott Messick Perry Rogers and Steve Nash serve as executive producers.

ABC NEWS’ HEAD CASES – PREMIERES THURSDAY, AUGUST 19 (10:00-11:00 p.m.) – A ground-breaking series into how science and technology are enabling us to look inside our heads and affect the processes of the brain. Is it possible to detect a murderous mindset before a child reaches his 7th birthday? Can a permanent electrical pulse, fitted to the brain like a pace-maker, stop people from eating and reduce the obesity epidemic? And is it now possible to reverse the effects of a stroke, so that an individual’s four limbs are practically raised from the dead? Martin Bashir follows neurosurgeon Dr Julian Bailes as he pushes the brain to its limits.

ABC NEWS’ PRIMETIME: CRIME – PREMIERES TUESDAY, AUGUST 24 (10:00-11:00 p.m.) – The series takes viewers inside investigations of breaking crime stories, and those that have been stumping authorities for years.

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