My darling Russell,
This is a huge turning point in this game. This is not fake, I wouldn’t waste your time or mine. Just by competing against you and the few handshakes we’ve had, I feel like I can trust you.
That’s all it takes with me here on “Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains” — the 20th season in the franchise, so I should certainly know better — because I am still in fifth-grade. And so are the Angus beef cattle I herd over here in Heroes camp.
You thought Tyson made a dumbass move? So did I, and I cannot let Tyson beat me at anything. Play the idol tonight and save yourself. All the girls should be writing your name down so act like you know you’re going home.
I think you should write Parvati’s name down and send her home. Because she’s super cute and I’m jealous. You are my man. Since I am oblivious in general, I have no idea that you are under her thumb. Or that she has her own idol that she found with Danielle and didn’t share with you. And you probably don’t know how to spell her name, so even if you try to vote her out, you might accidentally vote out Courtney. I’ll understand.
I have also convinced most of my tribe to take my lead, which is why you can expect a stay-strong pep talk mid-immunity challenge from Colby “Superman Sucks” Donaldson. He can’t wait to shake your hand. We’re all so excited to take you to the final six! I mean, three!
If you happen to hear Amanda “100 Days” Kimmel question this as a ridiculous idea, ignore her. She’s only almost won this game twice. I won it a full one time, thanks to my charming smile. So I know you will trust me.
This is your chance to prove you’re not a villain. This is also your chance to prove I am a moron. I know you won’t disappoint.
Hope you enjoyed the gratuitous Outback Steakhouse plugs.