At least Jay Leno will have a good home ... on Sarah's network. Conan can have his old spot back. Right?

By Gina Carbone
gina_carbone@comcast.net

It’s great to have Tina Fey back on “Saturday Night Live” — especially when she brings Sarah Palin along and still has time to make out with a man-sized brownie — but was the whole Justin Bieber thing really necessary?

I get if SNL is desperate for ratings, but what are the real expectations here? Won’t most of Justin’s (under 18) fans just tape the show and fast-forward through the non-Justin parts (including commercials)?

Maybe SNL tried to compensate for that by including Justin in Tina’s monologue and the teacher’s pet and school dance skits. He sang in two of those skits, of course — on top of his usual performances — and there were jokes about how perfect his hair and is and how “He’s like a dreamy Christmas elf.”

(Don’t hold out too many acting hopes for this kid. He made Michael Bublé’s cameo on the Jon Hamm show look Oscar worthy.)

There was a political cold opening, but instead of mining the gold that is Tina Fey = Sarah Palin, they had Fred Armisen as Obama again.

That Obama Census skit was OK, but what is wrong with you? I know Tina was just there to promote “Date Night” — thanks, Steve Martin, for stopping by to joke that you were in it, when it was really Steve Carell — but there was only one Sarah skit and it didn’t even (directly) involve the Tea Party movement.

They spent more time making fun of Tiger Woods.

And, of course, acting like Justin Bieber’s fans were really there. It was kind of awkward seeing him push the mic out to the audience during “Baby,” as if the adult New Yorkers were going to burst out and finish the chorus. Wrong crowd, man.

Tina came back for a Weekend Update on “women’s news,” which included bashing Tiki Barber (nope, he didn’t get to slide under the radar) and “whores” like Bombshell McGee.

“I know we shouldn’t judge people based on their appearance, but when your body looks like a dirtbag’s binder from 7th grade metal shop, it doesn’t bode well for your character.”

Snap!

But I don’t think she said Jesse James’ name once. She just went off on the “whores” who sleep with married men, especially Bombshell. You know, the Jesses and the Tigers are the ones who made the vows.  They could always just say no. And, not to stick up for her, but Bombshell was not Jesse’s only woman.

The real women’s movement will be when women stop holding other women 100 percent accountable for things that are at least 50 percent men’s fault.

And if Tina is so concerned with “whores,” why did she spend so much of the show dressed like one? You can be sexy, we get it. Stop trying to be Pamela Anderson on “Dancing with the Stars.” It isn’t even working for Pamela Anderson.

But at least Jason Sudeikis got to play the devil.  That made me happy. Can I get a Brownie Husband shaped like him?

***

COLD OPENING

Fred Armisen as Barack Obama, again, about the 2010 Census. New questions on the sheet, like “How important is the role of fantasy in your sex life?” It was pretty funny, but even at four minutes it felt long. And you have Obama with Tina Fey as host and no Sarah Palin in the Cold Open? Really, Seth & Amy? Really.

MONOLOGUE

It’s her second time hosting. She joked that there were hundreds of girls downstairs “so I guess I’m more of a role model than I thought.” But she acknowledged they were there for Justin Bieber. She said she worked with him before, when he was one of the babies in “Baby Mama,” two years ago.

Tina's monologue was kinda weak.

She talked about how much she hates being asked how she “juggles” family and work. She thanked the village it takes to get everything done. “I’m Every Woman.” Her nanny. Her child’s nanny. Weird Will Forte moment. Her husband was played for this one time only by New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez.

Steve Martin was her tax accountant, who joked that he loved working with her on “Date Night.” “That was Steve Carell,” she said. She thanked Justin Bieber for helping her to get the high ratings. (Will he, though?)

“I’m gonna dress up like Sarah Palin later. Stick around we’ll be right back!”

Good to know.

But this? This I love.

DUNCAN HINES COMMERCIAL

Tina Fey “Brownie Husband” ad. A giant brownie man?! I’m sold. And I did get highlights today! Love this. Can I get one of these and a Closet Organizer?

CBS SPORTS — MASTERS

You had to know they were going to spoof Tiger Woods at the Masters. And they did. Jason Sudeikis and Bill Hader as sportscasters. Tina Fey as Ashlyn St. Cloud, loud blonde leopard-striped commentator. She said Tiger’s face looked like he wanted “that filthy Ambien zombie sex.”

“PS. If Asians and Indians can compete with black people it’s not a sport.” (!)

This is the kind of generically trashy part Abby Elliott or Jenny Slate could’ve played. And it goes on too long. Give Tina the good stuff!

TIGER WOODS COMMERCIAL

Black and white ad with Kenan Thompson as Tiger and a voice-over talking about how he doesn’t want anyone to use his voice after he’s gone…

SARAH PALIN NETWORK

Tina Fey as Sarah. “You know, ever since I won the silver medal in last year’s vice presidential election I’ve made it my goal to connect with as many people in this great nation as possible.”

She said the next logical step for her is to start her own network.

You’ll find we aim for the heartland with Sarah Palin Network original stories like …

“My Daughter Only Sprained Her Ankle, You Can’t Seriously Be Considering Euthanizing Her.”

Andy Samberg as a doctor who claimed the Obamacare death panel said a little girl’s ankle injury was prohibitive and “We’ll have to put her down.” Jenny Slate as daughter. Kristen Wiig as mom screaming “Nooo!” I bet she’s screaming because Tina is going to take all her usual roles this week.

I actually like the “Elites” idea of playing footage of a bunch of smartypants professors and superimposing the teacher’s voice from Charlie Brown. Could be a good show.

And her “Hey Journalist, I Gotcha” idea to re-edit interviews to make journalists — like Katie Couric — look like they were the ones who were “woefully unprepared.”

I love Jason Sudeikis as Todd Palin!

OK, this was a good skit. So far they have put all the eggs in this basket. And the brownie basket.

TEACHER’S PET

Justin Bieber as Jason, a student in a class Tina teaches. Two students (Bobby Moynihan and Fred Armisen) complain about their grades. Then Justin is nice to her and she decides he’s her favorite student ever.

“Plus his smile is like watching a baby bunny sniff a tiny flower.”

Oh oh. Now Justin is singing about “The Lady With The Big Brown Eyes.” Come on. Adults want to watch Tina be funny. Don’t torture us.

I do like how she says she loves how his hair seems to know exactly where it wants to go.

“Look at him. He’s like a dreamy Christmas elf.”

I don’t think I have enough Bieber Fever for how long this skit is going.

OK

JUSTIN PERFORMS

“Baby.” Black jackets and colorful shoes. I don’t feel too weird for knowing all the words to this song, since there are only about a dozen. Just repeat them enough and they become ingrained. Weird how he jumped up and put the mic out like the SNL audience would be singing along. No dear. These are not your tween followers.

WEEKEND UPDATE

Jason Sudeikis as the devil, talking about how the priests messing with kids thing actually offends him. The hypocrisy gets to him. And he doesn’t appreciate how the Vatican said it was all “the devil’s work.” “I do plagues, I do earthquakes, I do all the training for Walgreens cashiers, OK, but I don’t do no coverup for child molesters, man. I can’t wait for these priests to show up on my turf.”

Ha!

Jason always looks good in red, but nothing beats his red tracksuit in the "What Up With That" skits.

Nice bit about how the devil has a son — the TMZ guy.

Kristen Wiig comes out as “Aunt Linda,” who reviews movies.  No. This should be Michaela Watkins as Angie Tempura. Bitch pleeze. I want her back!

Tina Fey talks about women’s issues. She talked about the Oscar curse as just a lady curse. She dissed Tiki Barber, and said the real curse is there are women like Bombshell McGee around.

Seems to me the real curse is there are men like Jesse James around. She failed to mention that.

AL ROKER’S RUFF, RUGGED AND ROKER

Kenan Thompson as Al Roker, “The Weather Mac.”

Tina Fey as Dina Lohan, Lindsay and Ali’s mom.

Nasim Pedrad as Kim Kardashian.

This is a pass.

SCHOOL DANCE

Nasim Pedrad as nerdy teen Jenny, who adores her mom (Tina Fey), who was working the coat check at the school dance. Mom wanted her to hang out with her friends, but the girl just wanted to hang with her mom. Lots of inappropriate compliments from daughter to mom. I want to be that woman who wears Harry Potter jewelry and lets birds fly free in her home! That sounds pretty cool, actually.

Oh God. Justin Bieber is back. He worships his dad. They dance. There’s no getting rid of this kid.

JUSTIN BIEBER PERFORMS

“U Smile.” No dancers this time. Just Justin in black at the mic. The mic looks a little high for him. “Whenever Tina smiles I smile.”

BAR

Tina as a tiny 9″-tall hooker at the bar. Weird. And not good potato chip weird. Although she did mention a bidet. Nice shout out to the already-classic Zach Galifianakis skit with Kristen Wiig.

***

Read some of my past SNL stories here in my little archive.

Don’t forget, Betty White is hosting on May 8!

Here’s the upcoming schedule, stolen straight from Wikipedia:

Advertisements