This is my favorite moment. The little false modest "pshaw" from Coach when Jeff pointed out that he got the Villains' only point during the immunity challenge. Oh, and nice feather in your hair.

By Gina Carbone
gina_carbone@comcast.net

Please tell me I’m not the only one who sees that JT is the Villain of the Heroes. No only that, he’s the Russell of the Heroes.

Actually, he’s even more of a Villain than Russell.

After being the one to make the speech last week that the Heroes should look for the hidden idol together (ala Boston Rob for the Villains), the first chance he got, JT went after the idol alone (ala Russell).

This is why I’ve been saying SINCE DAY ONE that the Heroes should kick JT & his dimples to the curb.

They didn’t get their chance this week because the Villains — can it be true? — suck open ass without Boston Rob.

Yeah, the Dragon Slayer is gone from “Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains.” The “determined little bitch” outlasted the “frigging lunatic.”

Yay, more one-liners from Courtney! And more useless limping through challenges!

It’s probably for the best, since Courtney insulted Coach at tribal council and we know that usually ends in tears. With Tyson gone, who would pump Coach’s ego back into a puffy cloud of delusion?

Whatever. Coach could’ve saved himself last week by writing, say, RUSSELL on the little piece of paper instead of Courtney.

But he didn’t.

And as vengeance for Russell kicking out Boston Rob, the leader of their alliance, Sandra and Courtney … voted out Coach?

Maybe it’s just me, but that doesn’t make a lick of sense.

For one thing, you are letting Russell dominate the entire game. No one who sits next to this man in the final two can win. Except maybe JT on the other side. Maybe. But actually, probably not now that Candice and Amanda are onto his phoniness.

For another thing, the first thing Rupert said when he saw that the Villains had voted out Boston Rob was that the Villains must have an all-woman alliance.

So the smart thing to do would’ve been to get rid of one of the women. Whether it’s Courtney or Sandra or — better yet — Danielle, Parvati or Jerri, that would’ve at least saved the women of the Villains from looking like the dominant group.

Especially since in the preview for next week’s episode it looks like JT is considering giving Russell the hidden idol he found. They want to save him!

I don’t know what I’d do if that kind of perfect storm of idiocy occurred, but I think Russell’s ego might actually explode at that point. So that would be the upside.

This is what happens when you have an all-stars season where no one has seen one player in action. They don’t know what he can do. If they DID they would not be buying this act.

Coach is the first member of the jury. It’s looking like the merge is coming fast.

What will happen?

This is just a guess, but I predict Jerri will blame others for her own bad decisions; Parvati will cackle like an evil stepsister; JT will lie to someone’s face; Danielle will say something so stupid I will have to pause and replay it; Russell will congratulate himself for other people’s dumb moves; and Jeff Probst will deserve an Emmy for pointing out all of the bad decisions without cussing everyone out.

But that’s just a guess.

***

ABOUT LAST WEEK…

Recap of Rob as the Hero of the Villains. Did he go too soft? Is it Amber’s fault that he lost? Can we blame her anyway?

Parvati and her godawful laugh sucked up to Russell talking about how it was such a great move to dump Rob. Right.

Danielle and Parvati went off on how much fun it was blindsiding someone. Hope it happens to you too, kids.

Oh Lord. Jerri already misses Boston Rob. In her revisionist history, she was never happy to be rid of him. Never! What made you think that? The fact that she voted him out?

Never let this woman have children. She’ll regret it immediately. Then want  another one. Then regret it. Repeat.

Coach, for some reason, asked Jerri if they should go to the final five with Russell or try to make a play. Why are you asking her?

Jerri said they should just wait and see what happens at the merge.

The Philosophy of Coach: “The Villains are in the crapper. I don’t think we’ll win another challenge. We’re done. We’re toast. Pray for the merge.”

Here’s the thing: It’s bad enough that Jerri can’t be trusted to make a single decision beyond what hat to wear. But, worse, Coach is following her lead. If Dumb and Dumber make it to the end I’ll laugh my ass off.

***

SOME OF THE HEROES ARE FINALLY ON TO JT’S DUPLICITY

JT, proving himself again on the wrong tribe, pulls a Russell Hantz and looks for the idol himself.

Except Russell never said they would look for it as a tribe first. JT did.

Amanda always happens to be there when Heroes find idols. Notice that? She’s good.

Candice spotted him, too. So in champion JT style he decided to “come clean” and make himself the hero of the Heroes for just doing the task for them.

But Candice and Amanda know better. They know he only came clean because they spotted him.

Thank God! Candice sees the play. She sees him running the show. She sees no one calling him out. She sees that he’s “The Golden Boy.”

Go go go go go! Keep on him, Candice. Keep challenging Amanda on JT. I feel like we’re about to break the Watergate story.

***

VILLAINS PICK UP CAMP … FOR NO GOOD REASON

Jerri said she needs some real food or she’s gonna die.

Coach, who is really Dwight from The Office, said no she won’t die. Give him a minute and he’ll quote some obscure facts on bears.

They got a note about something that said “your” best meal is waiting.

Parvati, who needs to be thrown into the sea with no life raft, started smiling and squeeing about how they think it’s a merge.

***

THE NON-MERGE/SURVIVOR BOWLING

HA! Best line from Rupert: “It sure looks like they got a woman’s alliance.”

NICE diss to Russell. He of the “dumbass girl alliance” on Samoa.

But it does help him because if the Heroes think he’s going to be desperate for help it puts him in a good place. DAMN IT.

Jeff said to drop your expectations. (The name of the episode is “Expectations.” Huzzah, Jeff!) It’s not a merge. The dumbass Villains alliance brought all their stuff for nothing.

Btw, bowling rocks. But I always twist my wrist too much.

Sandra and Courtney are sitting out for the Villains, Coach decided, because Sandra is one of those “whatever you want to do” types. I hate people who can’t make decisions.

They are playing to 3 points:

Parvati gets a gutterball
Rupert knocks over 3 pins
Parvati gets gutterball

Heroes win 1st point

JT knocks down 6 pins
Danielle gets a gutterball
JT gets gutterball
Danielle does another gutterball

(Pause — women can bowl! Really! My mom was in a league for years. She kicks ass.)

Heroes win 2nd

Russell got “an absolute goose egg” gutterball
Colby got a gutterball. Dang it!
Russell knocks over 5
Colby, for the love of God, just knocks over 1

Villains win 1st (Colby, why did you just help Russell?)

Coach knocks over 5 pins
Amanda knocks over 5 pins
Coach knocks over 1 pin
Amanda knocks over 2 pins

Heroes won 3rd and win the feast

(By the way, loved the dramatic music during the Coach/Amanda battle. It did seem rather orchestrated, that final 2 pin finale.)

***

HEROES FEAST

In classic “We’re on a little bit of a roll” fashion, the Heroes expressed deep love for each other. They are “The Fantastic Five.” They are so happy. Great for them, but you won a reward, not immunity. Wake up.

They discuss the “all girls” alliance. Oh no. They believe Russell and Coach are on the outs on the other side.

The producers are to blame. They set this up. Somehow, I know it.

***

VILLAINS BITCH FEST

Jerri went on a rampage about how if Rob were here he never would’ve let Courtney and Sandra sit out in the rewards challenge because now they are “screwed” in the immunity challenge. They have to perform and they are the weakest.

Well then, Jerri, why did you vote Rob out? And why didn’t you — or Sandra or Courtney — speak up when Jeff was asking who they would sit out.

Why did you leave it all to Coach to decide at the last second because Jeff happened to call his name?

Maybe you shouldn’t be dissing Coach in front of everyone when he is the only one who is loyal to you.

Sandra told the camera the Villains were the worst tribe ever and she should be with the Heroes.

Don’t forget, the Villains still have more people.

Sandra and Courtney had a pow-wow. Sandra wants to plant a Russell Seed with Russell that Coach is trying to kick him out.

It’s their big plan to get rid of Coach.

Why get rid of Coach instead of Russell? That makes no sense.

They’re in danger of seeing Russell the way most people see JT. Do they have some kind of mental block on him when considering people to dump?

If they were smart, they’d consider either dumping Russell or dumping one of the women to show the Heroes they do not have an all-woman alliance.

Getting rid of Coach actually helps Russell build his sympathy vote with the Heroes when they do merge.

Coach told Courtney he didn’t want to play without Tyson or Rob.

Oh, OK Coach. So why did you put down Courtney’s name instead of Russell’s? You could have sent him home.

Courtney told Coach she knew she was going next.

Sandra planted her Russell Seed.

It’s a great plan in theory — I LOVE the idea that someone is pulling the rug over on Russell — but think of the long game. After the merge, it’s just going to look like even more of an all-woman alliance.

And Russell knows it. He and Parvati did their evil cackling again.

So no matter what, Russell is in good shape. UNLESS THEY VOTE HIM OFF. Come on, just do it already.

***

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

Jerri and Danielle sit out for the Villains.

Some kind of rope-tied mud digging obstacle course where two people have to go through the course together, grab a flag and go back.

Going for 3.

1. Russell & Sandra vs. Amanda & Candice — A&C got through very easily. Sandra was dead weight in the mud. Getting stuck. Russell was ticked with her. If he gets just ticked enough, maybe he’ll get rid of her. That would actually be good in the long term.

Heroes get 1 point

2. Coach vs. Rupert — They both did very well but Coach won for the Villains.

Villains get 1 point

3. JT & Colby vs. Parvati & Courtney — Easy win for the Heroes. Not even close.

Heroes get 1 point

Heroes win immunity.

Courtney hurt her ankle. Hate to say it, but she really is useless in challenges.

I’m feeling very Foa Foa Foursome about The Fantastic Five Heroes.

Danielle told the camera she wants Courtney gone because she’s a competitor and she hates losing.

Well, if you really wanted a strong tribe you probably should’ve kept ROB and voted yourself out instead.

***

WHO SHOULD THE VILLAINS DITCH?

Nice short-term plan to ditch Coach and save your alliance-mate Courtney, but what about after the merge when the Heroes think all you ladies are together? And Russell and Parvati go along with that idea?

Coach wants to dump Courtney because she is weak.

Russell wants to get rid of Coach. He already talked to his women and he believes Courtney and Sandra will write Coach’s name down, too.

Danielle wants to get rid of Courtney because she thinks they need Coach.

Russell said he didn’t know where her head was at, blah blah blah. They had a tiff.

Russell freaked out and screamed at her.

But at no point does Danielle realize that what she should do is get rid of Russell.

Russell told Danielle and Parvati he might’ve had a change of heart. They can always vote off Coach but now they should get rid of Courtney.

Parvati wonders why they can’t get their act together (no kidding) and make a decision.

Tip: It’s ‘cause you suck. (It’s fun to regress to 8th grade!)

***

TRIBAL COUNCIL

HA! I love Coach’s little pshaw when Jeff pointed out that he was the only one who scored a point in their immunity challenge.

Jeff questioned their plan to get rid of Boston Rob.

He also pointed out how many times Courtney has sat out their challenges.

Russell’s eyebrows need to be slapped.

Coach vs. Courtney.

Uh oh. Coach got his back up again. Courtney sort of suggested he demoralized the tribe and now, with Tyson gone, he has no shoulder to cry on. Except Jerri, I guess.

Courtney described herself as “a determined little bitch” who outlasted many stronger players. True.

Courtney called Coach “a frigging lunatic.”

1st vote — Coach
2nd — Coach
3rd – Courtney
4th — Courtney
5th — Courtney
6th — Coach

7th — Coach

First member of the jury: Coach

He patted Russell on the back as he left. I bet he’s now rooting for Russell to win. Coach really is a bit of a frigging lunatic, non?

Russell wrote down Courtney’s name. That’ll probably help him with Coach, but what about his tribemates? Parvati will know what he’s doing. Is she really in control of this alliance?

***

THESE PEOPLE ARE STILL AROUND

HEROES
Rupert Boneham (Pearl Islands, All-Stars)
Colby Donaldson (Australian Outback, All-Stars)
Amanda Kimmel (China, Fans vs. Favorites)
JT Thomas (Tocantins)
Candice Woodcock (Cook Islands)

VILLAINS
Sandra Diaz (Pearl Islands)
Danielle DiLorenzo (Panama)
Russell Hantz (Samoa)
Jerri Manthey (Australian Outback, All-Stars)
Parvati Shallow (Cook Islands, Fans vs. Favorites)
Courtney Yates (China)

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