Stupid alpha males. They should just form their own alliance and duke it out in the final two.

By Gina Carbone

Don’t blame Canada. Blame basketball.

For one night only, “Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains” will air at 8 p.m. on a Wednesday. Tonight. March 24. CBS.

Be there or miss “Banana Etiquette” with its double elimination.

Explain the value of Rupert at this point in the game.

No matter what happens at the challenge (guessing it’s an individual immunity), both the Heroes and Villains will be going to tribal council and voting someone out.

In this video teaser, Rupert Boneham of the Heroes asks the camera “Who do we keep? James, who is fighting to stay in the game, or Colby, who’s ready to walk out?”

First of all, they should probably dump Rupert, who was not exactly an ace player even before he busted his toe right out of the gate.

Second, since Rupert is in an alliance with James Clement, it’s not hard to imagine what he will convince himself to do.

But it’s disappointing to hear — AGAIN — that Colby Donaldson wants to jump ship.

He was a Grumpy Gus during “All-Stars,” which Jeff Probst convinced him to do, and earlier this season on “Heroes vs. Villains” he was whining about being done.

I know it’s tough when your alliance is being picked off one by one by a team of monkeys who don’t know — 20 SEASONS INTO A FRANCHISE — that you need to keep strong players around until the merge.

How 'bout we form an eye candy alliance?

But you have to man up, Sally!

We need you. I need you. Who the heck am I supposed to stare at once you’re gone?

JT is charming in a when-will-they-learn-to-stop-trusting-me sense, but he’s no Timothy Olyphant.

And Tyson Apostol?

Let’s hope Tyson’s little teaser clip, “I feel a little uneasy,” actually amounts to a real threat for him and not just some kind of decoy about his baby dragon, Coach, who felt “caught in the cross-fire” between Boston Rob Mariano and Russell Hantz.

As we see Boston Rob tell Russell: “If you don’t have that idol you need to go get it.”

Russell: “I don’t have it.”

Rob, chuckling, moves to pat Russell on the back: “Well, it’s been real!”

Why am I still here?

Are you seriously going to let this man be your swing vote?

Oh, if only they could get rid of Russell.

But if they force him to play the idol, and votes against him don’t count at tribal council, who would that send home? Rob? Could Russell get Coach and Tyson to write down Rob’s name?

This could be interesting.

What I wish would happen: Vote out either James or Rupert from the Heroes and Russell from the Villains.

What I think will happen: They’ll vote out Colby from the Heroes and … they can’t get rid of Rob. The Villains aren’t quite that stupid. They have to know they still need him. Maybe Danielle DiLorenzo.

Why is she even there?

Watch me finally win!

Guess I can answer my own question: Both tribes seem intent at this point to hold pissing matches between the alpha males instead of thinking with more strategic organs.

At this point I’m still holding out hope for a Colby vs. Jerri Manthey finale, but the realistic part of my brain wonders if we’re going to see a Amanda Kimmel vs. Parvati Shallow redux.