I told you they would be good! And, no, I'm not talking about Brooke's in-your-face cha-chas. Put them to bed now, girl.

By Gina Carbone
gina_carbone@comcast.net

Much hullabaloo has been made — 90 percent from Kate Gosselin — about how Kate Gosselin is a mom.

She even dedicated her Viennese waltz on the premiere of “Dancing with the Stars” season 10 to all the moms out there.

Does that include Pamela Anderson and Niecy Nash?

They’re both moms and her fellow DWTS competitors. They don’t have eight kids, but they also didn’t have reality shows around them as they raised their kids.

They also did a better job handling the nerves and moves required for the show, especially Pam — the Internet’s most downloaded woman — whose sex kitten cha-cha-cha prompted another classic outburst from effusive Italian judge Bruno Tonioli:

Bruno: “I can only think of sex, sex and more sex. The dirtier the better. Stripperella is back home! Do it to me, girl!”

Even usually professional host Tom Bergeron admitted he felt like a 12-year-old around Pam and swooned at her.

Overall the crop of 11 “Stars” were pretty darn talented — for the first episode, anyway.

The least entertaining contestant was probably Kate Gosselin — who didn’t look like she was enjoying herself before, during or after her dance — although she got higher scores than both Buzz Aldrin and Aiden Turner.

Still, Buzz is cuter than a button and Aiden is hotter than heeelllll yeah. They were fun to watch, which is a huge part of the show.

Self-congratulation alert: If I can play Emperor again, everything is turning out exactly as I have foreseen: Nicole Scherzinger and Derek Hough are far and away the best already. Just like I predicted.

The Pussycat Doll even got two “9s” — from Carrie Ann Inaba and Bruno — while Len Goodman continued being Grumy Old Len.

As Carrie Ann described Nicole’s Viennese waltz: “Apparently the bar has just been set for season 10. It was beautiful. It was emotional. … You had all the light and shade. … I haven’t seen a routine out of the gate like that ever.”

I feel like this is Mya all over again. People are going to whine that she has too much previous dancing experience, while letting Evan Lysacek swirl around in stiff, boring performances to high marks. Ignoring that he basically jumps and dances on ice.

(I don’t care if I sound harsh. Evan is already overrated. I always hate the Olympians!)

I feel like Erin Andrews is the dark horse right now. She’s good and the judges aren’t really giving her enough credit yet.

Jake Pavelka got decent scores and although Len wasn’t pleased with what his “bum” was doing — and Carrie Ann and Bruno fought over whether he was “rough” or not — he presented a pretty unremarkable Viennese waltz. Not bad. Not great.

By the way, Jillian Harris and Ed Swiderski of “The Bachelorette” were in the audience, along with Gia Allemand and Jake’s fiancee, Vienna Girardi, of “The Bachelor.”

Tim Allen — Buzz Lightyear in “Toy Story” — was also in the audience, clapping for Buzz Aldrin.

Brooke Burke (another hot mama) looked classy, even with her cha-chas out, in her new role as co-host, but seemed a bit nervous. She’ll get better.

(Samantha Harris set a low bar. Sorry. It’s true.)

For some odd reason we have to now deal with something called a “Celebriquarium.” Why they can’t just go backstage again is beyond me. This adds nothing to the show.

Anyway, here are the rankings after the premiere:

Nicole Scherzinger & Derek Hough — 25

Evan Lysacek & Anna Trebunskaya
— 23

Pamela Anderson & Damian Whitewood — 21

Erin Andrews & Maksim Chmerkovskiy — 21

Jake Pavelka & Chelsie Hightower — 20

Shannen Doherty & Mark Ballas — 18

Niecy Nash & Louis van Amstel — 18

Chad Ochocinco & Cheryl Burke — 18

Kate Gosselin & Tony Dovolani — 16

Aiden Turner & Edyta Śliwińska — 15

Buzz Aldrin & Ashly DelGrosso-Costa — 14

No one is going home tomorrow because there is no show tomorrow. We return next week and then someone is chucked out next Tuesday.

I want Aiden Turner to stick around. He’s my eye candy. So vote for him, please? And vote for Buzz. Just don’t vote for Kate Gosselin. Why would you?
***

THE DANCES

***
1. Chad Ochocinco & Cheryl Burke, cha-cha-cha (Scores: 6, 6, 6 = 18/30)

He’ll trash talk after getting comfortable. It’s not a good thing, man, don’t feel the need to work up to it.

Is he a Chapstick spokesman or something, with his “softest lips in the world”?

Cheryl Burke is a tough cookie, so he’d better prepare himself.

But he WANTS her to insult him and say “You suck, do it again.”

The bottom part of her dress is not exactly a win.

I love how Bruno is already standing up to watch what they do.

The cha-cha is so much more fun than the waltz, so they are in luck already.

They look good! Very comfortable. I forgot this was the premiere instead of week three or four. That looked as good as some mid-season dances I’ve seen from some others.

Having said that, he needs to move more, not just spin her around.

Len Goodman: Chad, I take my hat off to you. You came out like a tiger. This dance needs attack, you came out and attacked it. You are a rough diamond right now. (Improve your posture.)

Bruno Tonioli: I can really see you have a huge, huge, huge talent. … You have natural ability for music. (He just has to be sharper.)

Carrie Ann Inaba: You’ve got a little somethin’ somethin’ going on there. … You have to hit it a little harder. (He needs to extend more, but he has something “primal” going on.)

Brooke Burke interviewed the couple in the “Celebriquarium.” Why does this exist?

1-800-VOTE-4-01

1-800-868-3401

******

2. Shannen Doherty & Mark Ballas, Viennese waltz (Scores: 6, 6, 6 = 18/30)

She’s doing this for her dad, who had a massive stroke. He loves the show and he asked her to do it and she can’t say no to her dad. Aww!

Mark Ballas wants to go from prince to king.

She’s “frozen in fear” about performing live. She gets hives.

Nice gloves, Mark. Very soft, subtle music.

She seems stiff and her face does look petrified. He’s smiling enough for both of them. They don’t have any chemistry, but I’m just glad she got through it OK. She made me nervous for her.

I hope her dad appreciated that!

Bruno: What a difficult piece of choreography for show one. … It didn’t flow, you were swinging your arms around like a primate. … But you will get better.

Carrie Ann: I’m really, really impressed because I know you have the nerves and the hives and to get out there and do such an ambitious routine. (She started out rough but as the routine progressed she opened up.) I see something. It’s coming.

Len: The key to the Viennese waltz is ease and elegance and I think you portrayed ease an elegance throughout.

In the Celebriquarium, Brooke talked to Shannen about her emotions. She was crying because the first face she saw was her father’s in the audience. Aww! She’s definitely not coming off as a diva.

1-800-VOTE-4-02

1-800-868-3402

******

3. Erin Andrews & Maksim Chmerkovskiy, cha-cha-cha (Scores: 7, 7, 7 = 21/30)

Maks got huge cheers from the audience. The girls are out for him!

Maks told Erin all the stars ask for him and then regret it. She told him she didn’t ask for him — she asked for Tony Dovolani! (I’d ask for The Teeth, too. He’s a diamond!)

I thought Erin and Maks did a helluva lot better than Evan and Anna, but they got a lower score. THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS!

Erin’s a perfectionist and she stops herself before she can make a mistake.

That ticks Maks off.

Maks: “It’s my only pleasure in life to bitch at people and you take it away!”

She has legs that go on forever. Too bad that weird yellow feathery skirt is hiding them.

Why are you playing a Ke$ha song? HATE.

At least she’s remembering to smile. She looks comfortable out there. Nice chemistry.

She should break the “6” score streak.

He’s making her do a lot, which is refreshing. I hate when the star just circles the pro.

She’s good!

Carrie Ann: Erin, what a nice surprise. … You have good movement. You have a nice connection. (She needs to work on her lines.) That was nice and sexy and good.

Len: Well, Erin, a funky monkey… Great hip movement. Full of rhythm. (She needs to work on her legs.)

Bruno: You are bringing zest and vitality to the competition. I like what I see. … As a debut, wonderful.

1-800-VOTE-4-03

1-800-868-3403

******

4. Jake Pavelka & Chelsie Hightower, Viennese waltz (Scores: 7, 6, 7 = 20/30)

Chelsie, will you accept this dip? And this dance move? Kidding.

It looks like one of the classic “Bachelor” dates when Chelsie meets Jake in front of a plane. He’s got a rose in his hand.

Chelsie told the camera Jake is going to get a lot of lady votes because he’s “hot.”

He asks if she’ll accept this rose. She says yes, but “you know we’re not going to get married in the end?”

Jake: “We’re not even dating.”

Well, phew! Glad we got that out of the way.

On the dance floor he has a rose in his hand again.

The music is very soft. Is there an audio issue?

That was pretty good.

Len: Jake, I thought you moved very well. … If you’re going to be in hold, you’ve got to get your posture up. Stop sticking your bum out. … Overall I thought you did a good job, you’ve got great potential.

Bruno: Don’t batter about all the time. It’s the waltz, come down. (What’s he going to do in the rumba, kill her? Eat her?) Keep your legs together. You look like you’re on a horse.

(But is he backwards on a horse, smelling like a lady?)

Carrie Ann: Jake, you know, I was really impressed. (She knows he can do romance well, but she didn’t expect it to work so well in the dance.) Your lines were gorgeous, you looked like you were having a genuinely good time. There’s a bravado in you that’s very easy to watch and easy on the eyes.

Bruno: It was rough.

Carrie Ann: It wasn’t rough. You wish he was rough, that’s what’s going on.

Tom Bergeron: OK, kids!

Carrie Ann: You do have to work a little bit on your posture, but overall excellent job.

1-800-VOTE-4-04

1-800-868-3404

Aww! Vienna and Gia. What is Gia looking at?

Brooke said after proposing on television dancing can’t be so bad. Jake told Brooke “Proposing to Vienna was the honor of my life.”

Aww! Camera flash to Vienna smiling.

******

5. Niecy Nash & Louis van Amstel, cha-cha-cha (Scores: 7, 5, 6 = 18/30)

She was always chubby and kicked out of a dance performance in fifth grade.

I love her on “Reno 911.”

Louis is a sweetheart. She’s lucky to get him. He put up with Kelly last season.

She’s not like most people, she said. “I like my jiggly parts.”

She doesn’t want to lose those jiggly parts.

Love her already.

She’s singing along with “Rescue Me.” She looks comfortable and happy, but she’s not exactly a talented dancer. Still, she’s fun to watch.

She has some “happy crying” on the dance floor.

Standing ovation. She must have tons of fans.

Bruno: This was like watching two personalities — at times I had Lola the sassy old mama and at time I had a born-again virgin. (She needs to focus her performance and find the sassy lady.)

Carrie Ann: How was that not sassy enough for you? Girlfriend, you were boogying, your booty was going. … I loved it. Good job.

Len: It was clean, it was clear, it was precise. For me the whole thing was a bit uneventful. You are a bubbly character, this was a flat cha-cha-cha.

Huge boos from the audience. The studio LOVES her.

1-800-VOTE-4-05

1-800-868-3405

She’s happy she had the bite of a hamburger before the dance, and that she remembered her routine.

She dedicated her routine to “thick girls everywhere.”

Thick-bodied, I think. Not thick-headed.

******

6. Evan Lysacek & Anna Trebunskaya, Viennese waltz (Scores: 8, 7, 8 = 23/30)

He does “suicide training” because it’s so hard.

He’s been called too technical with no dance ability.

She’s Russian and he’s glad she doesn’t hold it against him that he beat the Russian skater, Evgeni Plushenko. She said it was his own fault. (!)

She’s making him move out there, which is good.

I don’t know how many Viennese waltzes I can take, though. They are already getting old and we’re only six dances into the night.

He does have the posture and polish for ballroom, though. The true test of this kid will be when he tries to do a sexy Latin number.

Carrie Ann: (She wooed!) You are good. Those lines were just gorgeous. (He needs to watch his toes and point them and make a connection with the audience.)

Len: You have got great artistry, there’s lovely musicality about you. … You’ve got clumsy feet. … Get chemistry between the two of you. You’re used to dancing alone. You’re a couple now.

Bruno: You’ve got the wingspan of a 747. You’re moving with the grace of a swan. …You’re using the space beautifully.

1-800-VOTE-4-06

1-800-868-3406

I don’t think they deserve to be in the lead at this point.

******

7. Buzz Aldrin & Ashly DelGrosso-Costa, cha-cha-cha (Scores: 5, 4, 5 = 14/30)

Some guy on the international space station did a backflip for Buzz.

I love Buzz! What a trip if he won.

Buzz is a classic cute old man, but bless him he can't dance.

Yes, on July 20, 1969 he was one of the first men to walk on the moon.

Why isn’t Neil Armstrong competing against him? That’d be great.

Ashly hasn’t been around since season three.

Buzz thought she was a “really cute babe” and it would be a real treat to dance with her.

Ashly is concerned about him memorizing the steps.

Why did they give the oldest man a fast dance to start with? He should’ve been allowed to waltz.

He’s clearly out of it and slow to move. She’s doing all the work.

But he’s cuter than a button, bless him!

Tim Allen in the audience — Buzz from “Toy Story”!

Len: (Talks about how he watched Buzz walking on the moon. He commends Buzz for his bravery in coming out tonight.) But he can’t give marks for bravery, only dancing. he dance wasn’t too good tonight.

Bruno: It looked like you still had your moon boots on.

(Everyone wants to be nice to him.)

Carrie Ann: Was that a little moon walk I saw? My cute little moonwalker. (One of the great things about the show is it inspires people to dance.) You inspired a ton of people tonight.

1-800-VOTE-4-07

1-800-868-3407

Buzz told Brooke he wanted to inspire people about what they did in the past and he’s looking forward to the future.

The judges gave him only 14 out of 30? COMMUNISTS!

******

8. Nicole Scherzinger & Derek Hough, Viennese waltz (Scores: 9, 7, 9 = 25/30)

I really think they will go far in this. Both so freakin’ gorgeous.

She told the camera secretly she did kind of pray for Derek. (We all do.)

She’s not used to doing anything like the Viennese waltz.

She does have some dance ability, so cue all the Mya comments from last season.

Yep. Already I can tell they are going to be good and we’re going to hear the same “she has too much previous experience” comments.

Bruno: A performance of startling finesse. I am astounded. Incredible.

Carrie Ann: Apparently the bar has just been set for season 10. It was beautiful. It was emotional. … You had all the light and shade. … I haven’t seen a routine out of the gate like that ever.

Len: I understand these two going overboard on that routine because it’s very appealing. However if you look past the facade of the choreography there’s no footwork. … you lacked musicality … work on your technique.

(Bruno and Carrie Ann were dumbfounded.)

1-800-VOTE-4-08

1-800-868-3408

******

9. Aiden Turner & Edyta Śliwińska, cha-cha-cha (Scores: 5, 5, 5 = 15/30)

Rrrarrrr. I was not familiar with this guy. DWTS introduces me to some nice guys — Gilles and now Aiden. Love the accent.

And EDYTA! Love her! She’s my favorite.

Aiden!

He brought a gigantic bouquet. It’s a bit gaudy, actually.

She’s married, you know.

Edyta thinks he’s “so good looking” and he makes her laugh. Look sharp, Alec!

I love them, but Edyta needs to teach him how to dance, not just dance around him.

Carrie Ann: I liked the approach, I liked the gusto … It was really disjointed. It didn’t go anywhere for me. … There was no musicality. It didn’t flow.

Len: You’re English, so I can talk straight to you. There’s a dancer in there. But for me this routine was filled with everything I don’t like (jumping off stage, him standing there while she shakes about.) I was disappointed with it.

Bruno: A cha-cha-cha with nothing growing in the groin. … If you haven’t got that it wasn’t hot.

1-800-VOTE-4-09

1-800-868-3409

I feel bad for him, actually, because it does sound like the judges were mostly challenging her choreography.

******

10. Kate Gosselin & Tony Dovolani, Viennese waltz (Scores: 6, 5, 5 = 16/30)

She wants to prove her kids and everyone else wrong.

Kate rests on the strong shoulders of Tony "The Teeth" Dovolani. The guy Erin Andrews wanted.

Tony “The Teeth” Dovolani! LOVE!

She’s already getting stressed and frustrated.

Tony approached her to ask if she even wants to be there. She doesn’t seem to be having fun.

She insisted she wanted to be there and her excitement was hiding under her insecurity.

She’s doing it for all the moms out there. (Like Brooke Burke? And Pamela Anderson?)

Len: The first dance is like your first date. You don’t know what to expect. You want to impress and you’re nervous. And I think that was the stumbling block for you. You looked nervous. You didn’t dance with any fluidity.

Bruno: The technique was terrible. You have to learn to perform, assume a character. It looked like Tony was pushing a shopping cart around the floor. … You have to exude something. Assume a persona.

(Huge boos from audience.)

Bruno: I’m right! She has to learn.

Tom: Like you should exude tact.

Carrie Ann: You’re very different than a lot of our other people who’ve been on this show. Because you’re not a performer. You’re not an athlete. So all of this. Every single aspect of this is new to you. You’ve never trained for something like this … and I really am impressed. There was a sweet vulnerability to what you were doing and an honesty that sort of resonates with people. Yes, you have a long way to go, but next week, who knows?

Kate had a kind of ticked off look on her face through most of the judging. Maybe she was just focused.

1-800-VOTE-4-10

1-800-868-3410

Kate told Brooke she felt honored to be there and glad it was over and glad that her kids could rest easy now.

******

11. Pamela Anderson & Damian Whitewood, cha-cha-cha (Scores: 7, 6, 8 = 21/30)

She is the Internet’s most downloaded star?

Pamela Anderson is a hot mama indeed.

He is the new pro.

He said once we see him transform a dancer we’ll call him “The Wizard of Oz.” So I take it that’s an Aussie accent.

She’s working the sexpot angle. She looks like a porn star who just got out of bed, shaking it in some kind of ’80s rock video.

That’s not necessarily a bad thing.

He made her move, so I’ll give him credit. I’m interested to see more from him, as the new guy on the block.

Bruno: I can only think of sex, sex and more sex. The dirtier the better. Stripperella is back home. Do it to me, girl!

Tom: Is that good or bad…?

Bruno: I can’t wait for next week for some more.

Carrie Ann: I’ve been waiting the most to see you .. and you did not disappoint. … You were having fun and were fully engaged. … That was a little much.

Tom: I feel about 12 right now.

Carrie Ann: Didn’t it make you giddy?

Tom swoons next to Pam. She pats him. Ha!

Len: This cast of celebrities have been brilliant. I thought the start was great, you did all that solo work … overall it was a mess. You went wrong a lot.

Bruno: But the sex was good!

1-800-VOTE-4-11

1-800-868-3411

Advertisements