Look, it's my Rotten Tomatoes page! Now look away, I'm embarrassed!

By Gina Carbone

Note: To be read when you are trying to fall asleep and “The Golden Girls” reruns aren’t working.

I’ve never been very good at “selling” myself, which sounds too much like the world’s oldest profession to be given such high value by my mother.

(Sidenote: Prostitution should be legalized. If it’s legal to drink too much and make an ass of yourself *cough*likemyneighborseveryweekend*cough* then it should be legal to get something in return for sleeping with someone you may not be attracted to. I thought that was what marriage was about anyway and people pay thousands of dollars for the ceremony.)

But I’m now going to try to “sell” you my film reviews … while giving them away for free. Everything must go!

I already feel slimy, and not the same kind of slimy I feel when I find myself rooting for Zeljko Ivanek on “Big Love.”

I’ve been writing film reviews since freshman year at Hamilton College in Clinton, N.Y.

I left after the first year, but I wrote maybe one or two reviews while at Northeastern University in Boston and was actually PAID to write reviews at Curtin University in Bentley, Western Australia, when I studied abroad there. ($50 Australian dollars, which was about $35 American at the time. This was “Titanic” era, 1998.)

Since December of 2000 I have been writing film reviews for Spotlight magazine, aka the Portsmouth Herald, aka Seacoast Newspapers, aka Seacoast Media Group, aka Seacoastonline, aka The Ship That Is Sinking Fast So Grab The Nearest Lifeboat.

I started posting to Rotten Tomatoes in 2002 and I still post my Spotlight reviews there once a week.

So if you find yourself with an epic amount of time on your hands, visit my Rotten Tomatoes page and read my reviews.

WARNING: No promises that the reviews are any good. Then again, what makes a review “good”? Discuss.

You can also visit my Seacoastonline columnists page, which has the reviews as well as film-related non-reviews that I didn’t know what to do with. It’s like my virtual version of the “everything” drawer in your kitchen.

I tend to spend most of my time on this blog obsessing over The Bachelor writing about TV, but I do have a few film stories in my archive that you can check out, if you have free time.

I know it's cliche to pick Rose as your favorite, but how can she not be? It's Betty White. I'd visit St. Olaf, if it existed.

By the way, I’m not getting paid any extra if you read my reviews, I’m just mentioning it because I am bored and tired and I have nothing else to write about and the aforementioned “Golden Girls” episodes aren’t doing the trick.

And I’ve been told I should “market” myself more. This is the only way I know how to do that without feeling like a skanky sellout.

So there. I did it. No street corners required.

(Having said that, if Timothy Olyphant drops me a line, I am willing to offer a great deal.)