Just hold me.

By Gina Carbone
gina_carbone@comcast.net

Coach: “Why doesn’t anybody ever say anything good about me? Am I that bad of a person, man? Nobody ever does, man. And I’m sensitive.”

Tyson, hugging him: “I know you’re sensitive, dude.”

***

Lord help us, we all do.

Poor baby dragon.

I can only hope Coach Ben Wade is right and we never see anyone like him again. One is more than enough.

Back to him in a minute.

First, congratulations to the challenge-challenged Heroes of “Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains” for waking up and realizing:

1. It’s stupid to blindly follow an alliance if the alliance doesn’t make sense this early in the game (i.e. would involve voting out a strong person when you still need them.)

2. Cirie Fields is a dangerous mastermind and had to go. (By the way, she’s bad at challenges. Not that that ever came up.)

And I guess what I really mean is, congratulations JT Thomas for not only being the smart swing vote that got rid of Cirie, but for the honesty it took to tell Jeff Probst at tribal council that nope — I’m not worried about going home! I won my season on charm and I’m going to keep doing it!

Bye Cirie. At least you didn't cry when you were voted out. You saw the sense of the vote. If only Coach had your strength of character.

He didn’t quite say that, but even if he did I bet everyone would just chuckle and pinch his cheeks.

But I guess what I REALLY really mean is congratulations Tom Westman for saving your old arse from elimination by finding that hidden immunity idol and making sure Amanda Kimmel saw you hide it.

You saved yourself and sort of saved Colby, your alliance-mate. If alliances still count at this point. And I think they still do.

***

Back to Coach’s meltdown and quick return to delusional narcissist.

Funny how close the line is between maniacal egocentric and oversensitive crybaby.

At the start of the “Tonight, We Make Our Move” episode of “Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains,” we saw Coach walking back from last week’s tribal council where he was reeling from Sandra Diaz’s casual comments that Coach wasn’t doing enough work around camp.

She alleged that he ordered people around, then walked away. Coach got offended and stood up for himself. Then they all voted out Randy Bailey, and you would think Randy would be the aggrieved party. (Randy thought so too, burning his tribal headband.)

But Coach excels at playing the victim. He needs constant validation and he got it from — of all people! — Tyson Apostol, his fellow Villain from “Tocantins.”

Tyson offered to coach Coach through his pain, and tell him things he may not like but should hear. “Like what?” Coach said, hurt anew.

Tyson, continuing to surprise me with his maturity, said don’t wear feathers in your hair, don’t tell your stories (nobody believes them). Do your Tai Chi in private.

Coach didn’t like this. He’d rather walk away. Diva.

Back at camp, everyone wondered what the heck was wrong with Coach.

Tyson told them Coach threatened to quit.

Boston Rob Mariano couldn’t believe Coach would quit.

Rob to the camera: “That’s not much of a coach, if you ask me.”

Tyson convinced Coach to stay. (Why? He’s strong, but not that strong. And he’s an emotional basket case.)

Coach told Rob he felt like he was on the outside. He wants to bond with everyone, he told Rob, but they’re playing the game…

Rob said Coach isn’t on the outside. He fist-pumped Coach, then moved in for a handshake, then went in for a hug. Given the option, I bet Coach would’ve let Rob bounce him like a newborn baby.

Rob is Big Daddy at camp and Coach really needed Daddy’s approval.

After he got that approval, we immediately saw Coach return to preening overconfidence.

Just take your ball and go home already.

Anything but this mix of tears and self-congratulation.

Coach sounds just like Michael Scott from “The Office” — but meaning every word about how you have to be weak to be strong.

He must be a mountain, then. Because Blubber Boy was weak as hell.

Tyson — surprised to see his softer side — also had a good moment with the winning basketball shot during the reward challenge.

It came at the expense of my boy Colby Donaldson, who last week also expressed wishes to leave the show.

Funny how tough guys wallow in self-pity the second the chips are down but are the first to hit extreme roid highs when things are going well.

The Villains won the (egregious plug for) Sears reward.

Amid the tools they received was a clue for an immunity idol. Russell grabbed a blade and found something in it, but was careless and didn’t see that it was a note.

Rob opened the note and it was info on a hidden immunity idol.

Rob wanted the tribe to find the idol as a group and get rid of it. Russell had other ideas.

But Rob — no stupid Samoa type — saw Russell walk away and didn’t buy that he was just going for a walk. He knew he was going to look for the idol. (Even without having seen his “Samoa” season.)

Sandra saw Russell looking for the idol and muttered “stupid ass.”

She told Rob, Courtney and Coach what she saw and it was decided they should get rid of him.

Russell sealed his own fate,” Sandra said.

They had agreed that anyone who looked for the idol individually would have to go.

Russell’s a bonehead,” Rob said. He wants to get rid of him right away.

Back at the Heroes camp, JT found a similar hidden immunity idol clue hidden in the coffee. (Coffee! It would’ve taken 10 seconds for me to find that.)

Tom and Colby are on the outs with the tribe, Tom said, so they really had a fire under their butts to find the idol.

Tom found it and hid it in his sock. Amanda saw him do it. So Tom and Colby are going to try to use it as leverage.

I’m not a fan of having two challenges per show. I was enjoying the past couple of weeks with one reward/immunity challenge. It saves more time for camp drama and tribal council bickering.

It was the blind cage roll challenge. Isn’t this the one where Nice Russell passed out last season?

The Villains won again — so they got both reward and immunity — and the Heroes began scrambling.

Lucky for you, Russell.

And lucky for Tom that he won. JT and Amanda and James decided they want Tom and Colby on their good side. Tom even offered to give the idol to Amanda and JT, which had to be a big bold lie.

JT wanted to get rid of Candice, which is odd since Candice was the best player in the slide-and-shoot basketball challenge.

Cirie was panicking. Her alliance was falling part before her eyes because her puppets were trying to think for themselves. She tried to put a stop to that. Vote Colby off. That’s what she wanted and Cirie tends to get what she wants.

I love Cirie, but if the Heroes had a thought in their head they would’ve started with eliminating Cirie, even before crybaby Sugar. (Sugar and Coach could’ve whined together, then cuddled!)

God bless Jeff Probst for calling the Heroes out on their stupid decision to dump a strong tribemate (Colby) because they decided to make early alliances.

Rupert even admitted he wasn’t sure his was a smart vote, but he was doing it because he already gave his word to his alliance. (He voted for Colby. It didn’t work. SUCK IT!)

JT at least was honest in saying he wasn’t worried about going home. I tell you, JT is going to keep coasting. I complained about this last week and it amazes me that I’ll have to keep pointing it out. Probably up until the final four.

But at least JT was also smart enough to get rid of Cirie when he could, instead of sticking with the Stupid Alliance and ditching Colby.

Tom decided to play the immunity idol, after the votes were cast.

First vote, Tom

2nd, Tom

3rd, Tom

4th, Colby (Noooo!)

5th, Colby

6th, Cirie

7th, Cirie

8th, Cirie

Yes! Finally a smart move!

***

These are the people who are left:

HEROES
Rupert Boneham (Pearl Islands, All-Stars)
James Clement (China, Fans vs. Favorites)
Colby Donaldson (Australian Outback, All-Stars)
Amanda Kimmel (China, Fans vs. Favorites)
JT Thomas (Tocantins)
Tom Westman (Palau)
Candice Woodcock (Cook Islands)

VILLAINS
Tyson Apostol (Tocantins)
Sandra Diaz (Pearl Islands)
Danielle DiLorenzo (Panama)
Russell Hantz (Samoa)
Jerri Manthey (Australian Outback)
Boston Rob Mariano (Marquesas, All-Stars)
Parvati Shallow (Cook Islands, Fans vs. Favorites)
Benjamin “Coach” Wade (Tocantins)
Courtney Yates (China)

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