Jake in Tenley technicolor.

By Gina Carbone
opus619@gmail.com

I wasn’t planning to live blog “The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love” finale.

But then I saw that pink shirt.

And something had to be said. Immediately.

That thing is: No.

Read on for details … and my stream of consciousness recap.

***

INTRO STUFF

Jake Pavelka makes a plug for St. Lucia. 90 degrees. Sunshine.

Shut up. I haven’t seen the sun in days.

Things are almost “too good to be true” with Tenley Molzahn. She who s–ts rainbows and dreams in cartoons.

His “physical chemistry with Vienna is lightning hot.”

He’s never known anything but honesty with her. He also feels like he’s always defending her. She makes him feel like the only guy in the room. He could picture her as his wife. (Or in a porn video, one of the two.)

Jake shouldn’t wear pink shirts like that. Not an attractive shade. I’m not knocking pink on all men, just this shade of pink on Jake. It’s a fail.

Jake’s family came out to help him find love … and do some sunbathing. Did we mention 90 degrees and sunshine? Twisted their arms, I’m sure.

Aha! Jake talks to his family about Tenley and Vienna. He’s trying to soft-pedal the Vienna stuff as the one who came in there for him and not to make friends.

Mom interrupted with a question about Vienna: Is she the one the other girls didn’t like?

Jake had to admit, yes.

He knew the ‘rents would love Tenley but he wanted them to like Vienna.

Do you own stock in this chick? Why are you always trying to sell her?

***

TENLEY MEETS THE FAMILY FIRST

Tenley is the first one to meet the parents.

Jake is still wondering why he brought up Vienna’s faults, or “so-called faults” as he corrected himself.

Tenley is such a pageant queen.

Mom wants to know how Tenley deals with conflict because she feels the women will be the glue that hold the family together.

Ohhhh I hope she asks Vienna about that.

Tenley tells Jake’s mom about her past marriage.

Tenley kisses Jake. I always love the earrings they have on "The Bachelor."

They both start crying.

“I would be honored to have Tenley in the family. She’s just such a sweetheart.”

Shock. Everyone loves Tenley.

A little “Bachelor” history: They NEVER pick the safe one everyone else likes. They always go for the “bad” boy or girl. The “surprise” choice.

Tenley literally sounds like a cartoon character greeting Jake’s dad.

He said she’s been scoring points with the family all day.

Does she make him cry, too?

Jake gave the rest of his family his usual line about how Tenley will bring so much “joy” to a relationship.

Tenley wants to be adopted by a new family. She talks about how she was hurt.

Jim, Jake’s dad, said he would be happy to see Tenley with “Jacob.”

Jim: “I think I’ve probably met my future daughter-in-law today.”

Why? Do you have multiple single sons? ‘Cause Jake’s going for the other chick.

Jake and Tenley jump in the pool.

Mom has no red flags for Tenley.

Jake and Tenley dove into the pool. The family joined them. So cute.

***

VIENNA MEETS THE FAMILY

Jake: “All Vienna needs to do is go in there and be the Vienna I fell in love with.”

It’s like rooting for a lame horse to get through the race.

They ask her where she’s from and if she’s been out of the country.

She’s from a place with one stoplight?

She started dissing the girls in the house on their RV trip.

Laura, Jake’s sister-in-law, said there was not a lot of class in the way she was talking about people.

Someone asked her if she didn’t get along with some of the girls in the group.

She was quiet at first.

Then she said a little bit, because she was brutally honest.

Vienna charms the sisters-in-law.

The other sister-in-law found Vienna to be kind of confrontational and very different from Tenley.

Mom didn’t think Vienna was connecting very well with the family.

The family asked her what she liked about Jake.

She said nothing, joking around. Then she said he can be sweet.

Mom told the camera she was “very concerned” about Vienna.

She had a guard up.

Mom pulled Jake aside and said she was worried about how Vienna didn’t get along with the girls in the house. She was worried that Vienna wouldn’t get along with the sisters-in-law.

Jake said Vienna would make little comments and poke.

Mom: “Can’t you see that she might be poking at her sisters-in-law and she might be poking at you, eventually?”

Jake can’t see that right now.

Mom wants him to look down the road at possible scenarios and that’s a “red flag.”

Mom said she didn’t know Vienna well enough to say whether she was wrong for Jake, but the “tip off” was when Jake said she didn’t get along with the other girls.

So Jake started feeling a little “defensive.” He feels like he sold Vienna out by telling the family in advance that she didn’t get along with the women.

Would I deceive you? Never!

Well, it was true! And Vienna was just plain trouble from the get-go. Everyone but Jake could see it.

It’s a “deal breaker” Jake told the camera, if his family doesn’t like the woman.

The brothers were worried about the “brutal honesty” thing. They think Vienna is too immature.

Jake: “I feel like I’m trying to talk people into Vienna.”

Seriously.

Vienna told the sisters-in-law that Tenley doesn’t have a lot of opinions. She’s so sweet, but Vienna challenges Jake.

The sisters ask about how she gets along with other ladies — on the show and in real life.

Vienna said it’s one person not liking you and the others pile on.

They ask if that’s happened to her other times and she said sometimes.

(From the tabloids, it sounds like it happens fairly often.)

The girls think she’s too confident.

You can just tell they are NOT into Vienna.

But Vienna talks about how she’s in love with Jake and she wants him to be happy.

Jake’s mom pulls Vienna aside.

She said it concerns her that Vienna didn’t get along with the other women. She gives her “glue of the family” speech again.

Mom: “I want to know how you get along with people.”

Vienna said she wasn’t being a bad person. She stood true. When she was being “hounded” by the girls she stood up for herself.

The sisters-in-law told Jake at first they found Vienna abrasive.

But after talking to Vienna what really came through to them was that she cares about Jake.

Jake feels guilty about almost letting Vienna go so many times because of what other people said.

Now one of the sisters, Laura, said she was dead sure at first about Vienna, but pulled a 180. She hugged Jake. Jake feels like it was a win.

Now he wants his mom to see that.

Vienna told Mom she can’t picture herself going back to Florida without Jake in her life. That’s why she’s trying to be so confident.

Jake’s mom changed her mind about Vienna. These parents are such easy sells.

Mom told the camera she’s no longer concerned about Vienna’s ability to get along with people.

Or her ability to charm people after two seconds. One of the two.

What? Now mom is saying she thinks Vienna would be a good wife for Jake?! Wow. That was quick. And easy.

***

JAKE & VIENNA SULFUR DATE

Date at a smelly sulfur spring? Perfect for Satan Vienna!

Cheese is right.

They have nasty mud bath wrestling time.

Love the change in music.

Gross.

Vienna loved rubbing mud all over Jake’s washboard abs.

She wrote “I love you” on his chest in mud.

END THE SHOW.

Do it now. If you’re going to pick her, just pick her. I can’t go through that kind of crap again.

It is NOT hot to watch Jake and Vienna make out in mud. Or anywhere else.

He’s so physically attracted to Vienna, he’s worried it’s clouding what’s right for his heart. (Translation: His ween is running the show.)

Vienna told the camera she’s ready to take off the “promise ring” her dad gave her. They call it her “I’m not going to elope again” ring.

Vienna and Jake sit down and talk. She said she knows they have passion but she wants to be sure they’ll have more.

Jake said he came there to marry his best friend.

There’s a really loud bird in the background.

Jake asks what it was like being married.

As soon as she did it she didn’t know what she was doing. They were “really dumb kids.”

She broke her dad’s heart when she did that, and the disappointment in his voice killed her.

(The Daddy’s Girl thing is a red flag.)

Her dad forgave her and she forgave herself.

She wants her dad to be happy.

Hmmm…

Do you think Vienna wants Jake because he’s the kind of guy Daddy Vinny would approve of?

She wrote a little note about how she’s ready to take her ring off and she loves Jake, etc.

They lay down on the bed and kiss and he whispers that he wants to fall asleep in her arms again.

***

DATE WITH TENLEY

Jake is on “Cloud 9” to go out with Tenley.

She leaps into his arms.

He can’t wait to see that “big smile she wears.”

Do you wear a smile?

Tenley wants to kiss, hug and “play with” Jake all day long.

(Hug him and squeeze him and call him George!)

They are puppies together. Sniff each other’s butts and move on.

They go boating and snorkeling.

Tenley feels so alive out there. She is making a memory that will last a lifetime.

She speaks in soundbites. Like Jake did on Jillian’s season of “The Bachelorette.”

So … will Tenley be “The Bachelorette”?

They cuddle on the boat, but Jake looks worn out. Tenley jokes that she’s too much for him to handle.

He has no response, which she laughs at, nervously.

Jake is clearly confused. It’s clear because he talks about it over and over and over.

The emotional chemistry between them is “alarmingly hot” but the physical chemistry isn’t as hot.

He said that to Tenley.

And I give him credit for saying it to her instead of just to the camera.

But he said there was a difference between physical and sexual chemistry, but when Tenley asked for the difference he said the physical chemistry is a burning kind of passion.

So what is the difference?

Poor Tenley. First her ex-husband claims she withheld sex during their marriage and now Jake is saying they don't have great chemistry.

Tenley got upset. She feels that passion and is upset that Jake doesn’t.

And — uh oh — she’s worried she’s not going to be loved again, like she was WITH HER EX. It was only a matter of time before she talked about him again.

Jake said he feels passion, too, but it’s a slower burn.

Tenley said that’s the way it’s supposed to be.

Jake is not convinced. You can tell he’s thinking of his mud-wrestling passion with Vienna.

JAKE. WAKE. UP. You said over and over and over that you wanted to marry your best friend and not just follow your sexual urges.

Now you are telling Tenley you don’t lust after her like a dirty mud-clad stripper and it’s a problem.

Poor Tenley is feeling hurt. She thought they had great chemistry.

Now Jake is coming over for drinks and she’s not sure what’s going to happen.

Awkward!

Jake is disappointed in himself for his bad timing on the boat. He felt horrible for what he said and how he hurt her.

So, to recap:

Jake dissed Vienna to his parents before they got to meet her

and

Jake dissed his chemistry with Tenley during a romantic boat trip.

Nice!

Tenley and Jake sit and talk about their chemistry issue.

He said he loves her smile, etc., and he appreciates how she didn’t shut him down after he said what he said.

He wanted to be honest with her. That’s what a relationship is about, he said. You fight for things and work things out as a team.

Tenley gave him some photos of their past dates together.

Tenley has “a heart of gold,” Jake said. “I love Tenley.”

Yes, we all love Tenley, but I think Jake probably means it the way I mean it. I’m not in love with Tenley and I doubt he ever was either.

***

THE BIG DAY

Gratuitous shot of Jake with his shirt off, getting out of bed.

Jake said he can confirm that you can be in love with two people at once.

Thanks. Good to know. Why bother trying to find a soul mate if you can live the “Big Love” lifestyle.

Jake has such fire and excitement in his voice when he talks about Vienna. He has fun with her and feels like a kid.

What if Ali Fedotowsky were still in the running? I can see him not picking Tenley. She’s sweet and wants to be “adored” but Vienna is right: She has no opinions. She’s not a challenge. She’s not funny. She’s just sweet.

Pull that Mesnick!

Ali has Vienna’s fun and honest side while still being a mature woman.

Jake picks out rings.

For once, the “Bachelor” doesn’t have to —

Whoa. He said he’s “flip flopping” every 30 minutes between the two.

Wow. I didn’t realize that. I thought by now it was obvious he would pick Vienna.

Even the ring guy is surprised.

I was going to say, for once the “Bachelor” doesn’t have to go to a jeweler to get rings. They come to him. Bet they had to twist this guy’s arm, too.

One girl wants a princess cut (Vienna) and the other wants the classic round (Tenley).

The rings almost made it more confusing.

Uh oh. His voice is breaking. I sense a Mesnick moment coming on.

It’s only a matter of time before he sobs at a balcony.

Jake on Vienna: “That girl is just naturally sexy.”

No. It’s not natural. It’s fake hair. Fake boobs.

Jake said he’s made his decision and in his heart he knows it’s the right one.

Tenley and Vienna are getting ready. Tenley gets one last jab in at her ex-husband. Enough.

I am so envious of where they are. Can I go to St. Lucia next?

Jake said one girl has his heart just a little more than the other.

***

JAKE SENDS TENLEY HOME

Jake isn’t sure where he’s going to find the sheer courage to send one girl home.

No limo. Helicopter.

Chris Harrison escorts Tenley out of the first ... helicopter.

As expected, Chris escorts Tenley out first.

Jake tells Tenley there are so many things he loves about her. Her morals, her smile, her temperament.

Jake: “I do love you. You’re just perfect. Yes you are.”

He says through tears.

But something just isn’t right, he said.

They are both crying.

Tenley makes a long speech thanking him and saying now she knows she can let someone love her again. It sounds kind of prepared. Did she know he would pick Vienna?

They hugged. He said he’ll never forget her.

They cry.

I'm telling you, great earrings on this show.

Tenley: “I have loved falling in love with you.”

She’s killing him.

If I were Jake I’d fling myself off the balcony. Never mind sobbing.

Jake said there was something about Tenley that was just forced. He had her on a pedestal and felt he had to act a certain way around her.

(He couldn’t be the randy dawg he wants to be around Vienna.)

Poor Tenley is crying in the limo.

She’s being driven through some kind of jungle.

YES! SOB AT THAT BALCONY, JAKE!

Tenley wants a man who can love every piece of her.

Tenley: “Jake will see the mistake he made. And I feel bad for him. He’s gonna see it, I think. I don’t think he knows what he wants.”

***

JAKE PROPOSES TO VIENNA

Jake tried to pull an Ellen DeGeneres on “American Idol” .. the whole I’m about to say no, but I’m really saying yes.

(*Why are we whispering?*)

A nice Matt Grant/Shayne Lamas moment. All he needed to do was call her "Monkey" to complete the moment.

Jake said Vienna is amazing but there was something she needed to have.

It was her promise ring from her father.

But then he smiled and said there’s something else.

Jake: “I don’t want you to ever forget this. Vienna, I love you.”

He got down on one knee.

“Vienna, will you marry me?”

Well, that’s the spoilers coming true.

What do you think? Will Tenley be named the “Bachelorette” or will it be Ali?

Answer: It’s Ali. Details on her upcoming season here.

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