By Gina Carbone
Try not to stagger back from shock and anger, but I think I figured out why Jake Pavelka picks Vienna Girardi at the end of “The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love.”
(Note “picks” not “proposes and is now engaged to.”)
I believe I cracked the code during the usually pointless video messages from the three ladies to Jake.
Vienna, Tenley Molzahn and ousted swimsuit model Gia Allemand all said they were falling in love with Jake.
And he said it back.
The word “love” has not been so blithely tossed around since Shakespeare doled out his first sonnets … probably after hearing a video message like this one straight from Vienna’s fake chest to Mr. Dateless’ heart:
Vienna: “I want to wake up in your arms for the rest of my life. And I want to flirt with you for the next 80 years ‘cause I’m completely in love with you and you mean the world to me. And I can’t wait to be your wife. You’re everything to me.”
I think that’s why Jake chooses Vienna. Because she chose him. She said all the things he wanted to hear — and maybe even meant them in the moment she said them.
But will they be flirting with each other in the next 80 years? Maybe. Doubt it.
Unless Vienna gets drunk at some Spring Break party and mistakes Jake for someone she hasn’t already flirted with. (Was that mean? Maybe that was mean. But was it probably true?)
So it’s down to Vienna and Tenley. Jake said he can see his future wife “in both of them.”
Obviously he should pick Tenley. That’s obvious, right? Too obvious, maybe. He looks at her like a cross between a porcelain doll and a puppy.
Vienna he just drools over. And when I say “he” I mean Little Jake. Little Jake is calling the shots.
Never mind about Ali Fedotowsky, by the way. That whole staged phone call was just a way for Jake to be seen as the one ending the relationship. No extra baggage. I agree with RealitySteve that it was most likely something the producers forced her to do, since she is still under contract.
“At this point in the journey I am not in love with Ali,” Jake said.
He got over her pretty darn fast. It had only been a week, Chris Harrison confirmed.
“I’m completely heartbroken,” Ali said. “I know with 100 percent certainty that I made the wrong choice.”
In your face, Facebook!
Not only that, she said she’s having trouble focusing on work. So she’s half-assing everything.
“I don’t know that I’ll find anyone like Jake ever again,” Ali sobs.
Well, here’s hoping that’s true. You don’t want to find a guy dating you and three other women at the same time.
Ali should be able to find such a guy, if she avoids Bill Paxton on “Big Love.”
I now have no viable candidates for “The Bachelorette.” I’m no on Ali, no on Tenley, no on anyone else this season. Ideas?
JAKE REVIEWS HIS OPTIONS
St. Lucia is like being in a dream, Jake said. It’s the perfect place to fall in love.
Oh-HO! We see him standing with hands on a white balcony. Great potential for sobbing-at-the-balcony-Mesnick-style. I look forward to this gun going off in the third act.
Lots of recapping, starting with Gia. She makes his heart skip a beat. Their chemistry is amazing.
I never noticed how Tenley described herself as “Tenley, like the number 10.”
I bet she’s been saying that her whole life.
Jake, predictably, calls Tenley “sweet” and would bring so much “joy” to a family. He would be “so blessed” with her.
Jake said he remembers meeting Vienna and having her be as “bold as she could possibly be.”
At the beginning he felt Vienna would be “a very risky choice” for him.
He lost it during their bungee jump and “at that moment, I realized she’s just an amazing girl.”
What if it had been Gia or Tenley on that jump?
He acknowledged that Vienna was the center of the drama, but “our connection is undeniable.”
So he’s decided to ignore what everyone else says.
He said Vienna is a little immature but not so much that they couldn’t mature together.
Sure, Jake. (Pat on the head.) Sure.
Then we talk about Ali…
FLASH TO SAN FRANCISCO
The cameras watch Ali wake up. Looks like a hotel room. There are PR pics of Jake next to her bed — the ones where he’s in a pilot uniform holding a single rose. Come on.
She makes her “my life is without love” speech. She said she can’t focus on work.
Point of order: If I were her boss, I’d just make this easy and fire her. Give her no choice but to go for Jake. If she can’t focus on work, then she’s not doing her job.
Man, St. Lucia looks windy as heck.
Jake still thinks Gia is holding back. What else do you need from her?
She has too much hair for that wind. Buy a Scrunchie.
They take a boat across the river and go shopping.
Jake said traveling together is a great way to get to know someone. If you can’t travel together, he said, it won’t work.
True enough, but having ABC foot the bill for fancy hotel rooms and boats and stuff is not traveling together. Traveling together is suffering through long waits at the airport together and having your luggage lost, then fighting over how to get from A to B at your destination. It’s “The Amazing Race” minus the race or exotic destinations. Maybe it’s not “The Amazing Race.”
Wait, Gia has $1,000 shoes? Are they made of solid chocolate? Nothing else is worth that much.
Jake got her a necklace.
They go swimming. She must get tired of lounging around water in a swimsuit.
Jake was really enjoying being there with Gia and he wants to see more of that tonight.
(He was going to dump her and keep Ali, wasn’t he. Yeah. Seems that way.)
Gia wants them to say “I love you” and “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
Gia takes a moment to trash her ex-boyfriends again.
She’s a trained ballerina and she looks it to Jake with her dress and tiara hair thingee.
She’s bringing out his protective instincts.
They have a candlelit dinner by the beach. There are “Survivor” torches in the background. Gia, if Colby Donaldson walks out, RUN AWAY WITH HIM. Do it for me. It’s been my fantasy for years.
Jake pulled out her chair and it became another opportunity to quickly diss everyone else Gia has ever met.
He goes on about how “drop-dead gorgeous” she is. But she’s also “very deep.”
They’ve had this conversation at least a half dozen times. At some point I’d like to hear them ask each other about their favorite movies or songs or TV shows. What books are they reading? What’s the last great concert they went to? Where do they want to go that they’ve never been before? Real stuff.
Oh Lord, ANOTHER subtle dig to the exes, when Gia compliments Jake on saying so many things she can’t imagine any other guy she’s met saying.
If this were a drinking game we’d all be having one of those “FlashForward” blackouts.
Love how this is a card from Chris Harrison. Not Jake’s idea! Chris is the pimp. Jake is the john. Gia is the call girl, if she chooses to accept it.
“I’m ready to go all the way,” Gia said.
See, this is why Jake made such a pitch to be on “The Bachelor,” while on “The Bachelorette” — and why he picked girls like Gia and Vienna.
Nice guy my butt.
They made out in the hot tub and we watched for some sick voyeuristic reason.
Jake said his life with her flashed before his eyes.
He could see himself proposing to her in the end.
Or he could just get some and leave. One of the two.
Anyone else noticing that Vienna keeps getting the final dates?
For a guy that falls in love with every person he meets, he’s likely to be most impressed by the last impression. Which Vienna knew, which is why she wanted to be his final date girl many moons ago. Guess she always gets her way.
They go flying in still another helicopter.
They had a picnic outside in the middle of a rainforest. A sugar plantation?
Tenley said she can’t fall all the way in love without knowing he has the same marriage values as her.
Tenley hasn’t had a picnic with a boy in years.
She wants to know how he’ll “pursue” her when they’re together. Will they have picnics together?
He said one of the great things about the airline is they can just pick up and go.
She talks about how the little things are most important.
Tenley said she can see them together and she can see them being really happy.
Aww. Jake said 20 years into a marriage he’ll still have a “little boy crush” on his wife.
That’s actually nice. And he does look good in that light blue shirt … STOP! You are not allowed to like someone who likes Vienna. (Slap wrist.)
(Although his “crush” comment sounds like the same thing Vienna said about flirting when they are in their 80s.)
Tenley’s hair does not seem to be 100 percent in this rainforest. It must be very humid.
Another girl. Another ocean sunset swim.
Tenley hasn’t been with another man since she was married. In case we missed that.
She’s worried about the fantasy suite situation. I don’t like the idea of Jake and Tenley going all the way, knowing that he is probably also going all the way with Gia and Vienna. No one wants to be sloppy thirds.
Tenley’s ex-husband is the only person she’s ever spent the night with. In case we missed that.
It’s only 8:44 p.m. This is feeling a bit sloooooowww and tired. These dates are so similar. Too similar.
Lots of bugs in the background. Can we translate what they are saying? I bet it’s more interesting than this “having been married before…” conversation.
Tenley said she’s really falling in love with him. She “melted my heart,” Jake said.
OH FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE. Tenley said Jake had to lead her in the dance and he can “lead me in life.”
“She deserves the world,” Jake said. He likes the way she looks at him. (Like a puppy does…)
“Every time we kiss I’m running on a treadmill,” he said, touching his heart after many kisses.
The “This came from Chris Harrison” speech again. Jake said he’s “really excited” about it. Twice.
I think that’s really “really nervous” about it. Because he knows this is Tenley.
“I want every second that I can have with you,” she said. So she accepts and says she’ll spend the night with him.
NOOOO! Tenley, don’t sell out, just out of fear of losing him to four fake boobs and one fake nose!
Can you imagine how disgusted she must feel knowing that Jake picks Vienna?
Jake said he loves her values, morals and temperament.
So … is she not going to have sex with him? Just spend the night together as in cuddling or spooning? Yes, I’m asking. No, it’s none of my business. I know that. Deal.
They are in the pool together, kissing. Apparently water nymph make-outs were mandatory for all the “ladies.”
Jake wants that “fun, light, almost immature side” of Vienna because he can be that way sometimes himself.
They get to ride the “Pirates of the Caribbean” pirate ship. So. Not. Fair.
She makes him wear an eye patch.
I can see why he likes her. I can. She’s fun. But is she … no … no…NO! NOO!
They are playing the instrumental “On the Wings of Love” music again! NOOOOOOO!
As I was trying to say before I was aurally traumatized, she’s fun. But is she wife material at this point?
I’d say no.
They climb the masts. What are they doing? I thought they were afraid of heights? They conquered their fears with that one jump?
They are high. I have been on a tall ship like this. That is seriously high.
Fearless? Since when? I thought they were both afraid of heights and that’s how they initially bonded. Why am I feeling betrayed by this?
Vienna walks the plank. If only.
Jake does his perfect dive into the water.
What are the odds — they have a swimsuit water nymph make-out session, “From Here to Eternity” style.
“It just works,” Jake said. She has a “nurturing” (ahem) quality that puts him at ease.
Rolling on the sand with Vienna was “pretty smoking’ hot,” he said.
Jake said that night he has to make sure he’s not just physically attracted to Vienna. He wants to make sure there’s some substance to her heart.
Way to leave that to the last minute. Something tells me you’re not going to crack that code on Fantasy Suite Night (as sponsored by Chris Harrison).
Vienna said she’s going to put her heart on her sleeve about how she feels. Shocker: She’s falling for Jake, too.
Vienna said she wants to be a mom, but she knows she wants to wait a few years.
Jake: “But you are ready to be married, right?”
23-year-old divorcee: “Absolutely. Absolutely.”
Jake asks about her Daddy ring. … But he asks the wrong question. He asks what kinds of rings she likes. She likes thin bands for skinny fingers.
Way to ask the tough questions, Jake.
She asks if he can see her as his wife. He immediately says yes.
But he tells her he has also fallen for the two other women.
The bugs are so freaking LOUD. Turn up the mics.
Vienna said she wants to be completely honest with him …
I’m so naïve — part of me thought she was going to talk more about her past.
Instead, she said she can’t see herself being without him.
“When I’m not with you, you’re all I think about…” And something about when she’s with him he’s everything or whatever.
“I love that you told me that,” Jake said. “That’s what I’ve always loved about you is just your brutal honesty. I always know where I stand with you. I always know that I can count on that. That means so much to me that I can’t put it into words.”
That she thinks about you all the time? That’s just a platitude.
“So with that said…”
He pulls out the Fantasy Suite card, as sponsored by Chris Harrison.
Jake gives off a nervous chuckle.
Vienna asks if he’s a good cuddler. She said they need some alone time.
Jake loved her white lingerie. We watch them makeout on the bed with rose petals on it.
He said she is so sexy. Most of it is fake, though. Literally. The hair. The boobs.
Little Jake doesn’t care. Little Jake is making this call himself.
“You’re amazing. I’m so crazy about you,” we hear Jake say through the bedroom doors.
(To Vienna, presumably, but wishful thinking: Maybe he’s talking about himself? Or Chris Harrison?)
Classic infatuation. Like Henry VIII turning England on its head over Anne Boleyn. Or not. That may be pushing it.
THE ALI PHONE CALL
She calls him. The ABC cameras happened to be in San Francisco to catch her talking to Jake.
“I know I made the wrong choice” she says at one point “and I want to come back.”
Jake is trying to process her request to return.
It’s so bad soap opera. Telemundo would turn it down.
Ali told the phone that she knew the second she drove away that she wanted to come back.
“I’m so sorry. I so, so unbelievably sorry that I put you through that night.”
“You drove away with a piece of my heart,” he said.
I’m doing an abridged version because this is truly even more LAME than I expected.
He said the time they missed together was so “critical.”
(Re: I didn’t get to spend the night with you in the Fantasy Suite, sponsored by Chris Harrison.)
Ali said she really wants to come back. She doesn’t care if he sees her and sends her right back.
What a waste of time!
Jake: “Ali, I was falling in love with you in San Francisco. But the problem is, when you left it really forced me to put what I felt for you aside and Ali I can honestly tell you I’m further along with these three women here. And I don’t know who I would send home, you know, to have you back. I don’t know how I could make that happen.”
The decision she made has given her the most regret.
Jake: “Everything about me wants to say ‘Get on a plane, get here right now.’ I’m falling in love with these women that are here. I just … Ali, I just have to go with my heart. I know what it’s telling me. I know exactly what it’s telling me….”
So that whole video clip they showed of him saying “Get on a plane, get here right now” was the classic (and expected) edit manipulation. They made it seem like he was asking her to come back when he was basically saying the opposite.
Keep that kind of editing manipulation in mind when you replay the Rozlyn Papa incident in your head. They do this ALL THE TIME.
Soft piano music as they apologize to each other.
So this was the producers giving Jake a chance to be the one to end the relationship.
It makes it look like his decision, not hers.
But, as RealitySteve noted, she did not physically return to the show and she is contractually obligated to do what they want her to do.
Jake: “At this point in the journey I am not in love with Ali.”
He’s trusting that his heart is leading him elsewhere.
“I’m completely heartbroken,” Ali said. “I know with 100 percent certainty that I made the wrong choice.”
Wow. What 180s on both sides.
It’s only been a week for us, but it’s only been at most, what, a month for Jake since he saw her last … right? He was able to forget her that quickly? Dang.
“I don’t know that I’ll find anyone like Jake ever again.”
Jake sat down with Chris and claimed he did not see Ali’s phone call coming. Sure, Jake. Sure.
Jake recaps the dates for Chris.
OK, now Gia’s shoes are “$700 shoes.” Maybe she really got them at Payless.
He’s falling in love with Gia.
Something about Tenley. I missed it. It floated away like a little feathery thing.
Vienna is always herself, Jake said, and it puts him at ease.
They have a natural chemistry.
Jake said last night Vienna told him she is in love with him.
And he feels he is in love with her.
“In love” is deeper than “falling for.”
Chris said Vienna is in love and Tenley is in love and Gia is “right there” with them — which seems to suggest that Gia is the one who has not said the word “I love you” or “I’m in love with you” or something.
Jake told Chris he is “in love” with “each of these women” for different reasons.
We watch Jake watch the video messages.
What secret messages have these things ever given conflicted bachelors? They all say the same things over and over again. Just “I am falling in love with you” and other things spliced together in creative editing.
“I want to wake up in your arms for the rest of my life. And I want to flirt with you for the next 80 years ‘cause I‘m completely in love with you and you mean the world to me. And I can’t wait to be your wife. You‘re everything to me.”
I think that’s why he chooses her. Because she chose him.
1st rose: Tenley
2nd rose: Vienna
Set the bar high for the next guy, Jake told Gia. “Make him work for you.”
Jake said their relationship was a little “start/stop.”
She cried, but said she was happy for him because he picked two great girls. That’s right. Gia is the only one who liked Vienna.
It was the only time Jake saw Gia cry.
THE WOMEN TELL ALL
Next week is “The Women Tell All.” We get to hear from Crazy Michelle and Ali, who talks about why she left, etc.
Oh and Rozlyn Papa gets thrown under the bus AGAIN with special never-before seen footage that supposedly nails down the huge betrayal of a woman “cheating” on a man dating 25 other girls.
I can’t wait to hear more from Wes Hayden. I always liked him. Not to date or anything, but just to have around for amusement’s sake.
Jake would never propose unless he was 100 percent sure. So do you think he proposes to Vienna? Do you think they are now engaged? Or does he give her some kind of promise ring? Are they still together now? I wanna know now!