By Gina Carbone
There’s no crying in “Survivor.” There’s also no forced cuddling or bad puzzle-making.
One, maybe you get a pass.
Two, you seriously get on my boy Colby’s nerves.
Three? You’re out.
Sugar, you’re out. Auf wiedersehen. Go clean up your space.
The premiere of “Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains” has just come and gone.
True to the first episode’s title, “Slay Everyone, Trust No One,” my initial thoughts went to The Dragon Slayer, Coach Benjamin Wade.
Not only did Coach somehow manage to take out the still dreamy Colby Donaldson during a kind of rugby challenge — leaving the still hateable Tyson Apostol to say Colby should just give up his manhood and become a woman — he is running a flirty charm campaign on two fronts: With Jerri “Black Widow” Manthey and Rob “Boston Rob” Mariano.
He seems to be genuinely crushing on both.
Jerri’s fellow female villains are trying to make a cupid match between The Black Widow and The Dragon Slayer, but I’m rooting for more egregious sucking up as Coach repeatedly tells Boston Rob he’s “hanging on every word” Rob says.
*I sense a Valentine’s love match! Look out, Amber!*
Meanwhile a clearly envious Evil Russell Hantz silently seethes, still a patient spider waiting for the right moment to strike.
The Heroes tribe won reward — thanks in part to good football maneuvers by uber-threat J.T. Thomas and a topless run by Jessica “Sugar” Kiper.
They got fire as part of their reward, which didn’t mean too much when Boston Rob made fire from the sheer magical bounty of his awesomeness.
(Even Rob thinks his tribe would be smart to get rid of him first … but he doesn’t think they are that smart. Then again, judging by the previews for next week, Rob may take himself out of the game with a classic medical illness. There were already two injuries on night one — Rupert’s broken toe and … was it Stephenie’s shoulder? I still don’t know Stephenie.)
However, during the immunity challenge, the Heroes managed to blow a major lead from kayaking out to a torch when Cirie Fields, Sugar, Rupert Boneham and Amanda Kimmel couldn’t get it together to figure out a puzzle.
Meanwhile Boston Rob, Sandra Diaz-Twine and Randy Bailey owned their puzzle. (Are the villains smarter or just more able to work together this one time? It won’t last.)
On cue, Sugar started crying and — bless him — Jeff Probst called her on it.
Colby already wanted to dump Sugar (who competed during the Gabon season) because, as she told the camera, she’s used to having some kind of “protector” and wanted to snuggle up to him at night. And she talked too much at night when everyone wanted to sleep.
(Is Colby … not into women, or just some women? I only ask because he famously turned down Jerri, has no interest in Sugar and I’ve never heard about him linked to anyone, except that his Who’s Dated Who page says he was dating Vanna White in 2002 (?). Meanwhile, I’ve read gossip that JT has been linked to both Sugar and Parvati Shallow. I do not want to believe either.)
Tom wants to get rid of Cirie, because she’s a very strategic player and has played this game three times.
Cirie wants to keep Sugar around precisely because she is so annoying. She’s no threat. Cirie wants to ditch Stephenie LaGrossa. (Who?)
Amanda was debating between Sugar and Stephenie. “Cirie and I are here for blood,” Amanda said.”We are here to win this thing.”
Amanda has made it to the end twice? I am nowhere near a “Survivor” expert. She’s an unfamiliar face to me.
During the first tribal council, the Heroes went from 10 to nine by eliminating Sugar.
First vote: Sugar
(That was enough, but it was a 9-1 vote.)
Predictions? Even before “Survivor: Samoa” started I picked Russell Hantz as my favorite. He turned out to be evil.
This time, I am going to put my money behind … Jerri? Sure, why not. She’s manipulative without being too much of a threat. No one besides Colby is likely to have her on their radar. Coach has her back.
But I want Colby to win. He is such a gentleman. Still in love.
**Here are the remaining competitors**
Rupert Boneham (Pearl Islands, All-Stars)
James Clement (China, Fans vs. Favorites)
Colby Donaldson (Australian Outback, All-Stars)
Cirie Fields (Panama, Fans vs. Favorites)
Amanda Kimmel (China, Fans vs. Favorites)
Stephenie LaGrossa (Palau, Guatemala)
JT Thomas (Tocantins)
Tom Westman (Palau)
Candice Woodcock (Cook Islands)
Tyson Apostol (Tocantins)
Randy Bailey (Gabon)
Sandra Diaz (Pearl Islands)
Danielle DiLorenzo (Panama)
Russell Hantz (Samoa)
Jerri Manthey (Australian Outback)
Boston Rob Mariano (Marquesas, All-Stars)
Parvati Shallow (Cook Islands, Fans vs. Favorites)
Benjamin “Coach” Wade (Tocantins)
Courtney Yates (China)
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