By Gina Carbone
What a frakking child.
Ali Fedotowsky — full name Alexandra Fedotowsky — made a whiny Hamlet of herself in deciding whether to stick with Jake Pavelka, after gushing about how much she loved him during her hometown date, or ditch “The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love” and return to San Francisco for work.
She chose work.
It’s enough to make me want to dump Facebook for MySpace. It’s loyal! It knows what it wants! (Everyone to come back!)
According to RealitySteve — who predicted this a long time ago and whose Web site still always seems to be down on Monday nights and Tuesdays — “Ali went on this show just a few months removed from starting to work at Facebook in San Francisco. Apparently she either didn’t inform her work she could be gone longer than originally expected or thought that they’d grant her the time to be gone longer if needed be. Well, they didn’t and she chose to come back to work over having a 1-in-4 chance to be in an eventually failed relationship.”
You’d never guess it from her “I don’t knoooooowwww” whines, but Ali graduated with a 4.0 as a psychology major from Clark University in Worcester (Woostah!), Mass., and works with Facebook’s ad team.
As she Tweeted back on June 29: “My last week at PCG!!! Start job at Facebook next Monday!!!! YAY!”
Her last Twitter post was on July 7: “♥ my job”
So what exactly was she doing on “The Bachelor”?
RealitySteve said this was not Ali’s first stab at reality TV. Did she apply for this before the Facebook job and felt compelled to follow through?
Williamstown, Mass., was definitely shown in the fall — I’d guess mid-October — so what is the timeline of all of this, in terms of the show filming, the hometown dates and the big Jake dump?
I hope Facebook values her. Wonder if she got a raise for being this dedicated to her job. It would’ve been terrific irony if after all this Facebook decided to dump her for missing so much time. (In favor of three other potential job applicants.)
It was pretty stupid to take this much time off after just starting a job. No one does that, you goose. Having said that, don’t quit just before they fly you to St. Lucia.
RealitySteve said Ali does not return to the show. So that phone call is either a spoiler gone awry or, more likely, Ali just talking to Jake about what happened so they can part as friends or something. (Or maybe she gets him to buy an ad on Facebook?)
I wonder how Ali’s family feels about this. They seemed to love Jake and her mom had a gut feeling that Ali would end up with a ring.
Hey, maybe she gets Vienna Girardi’s ring — the creepy one her dad, Vincent, gave her.
Daddy’s going to need a new girl and Ali is definitely acting like a baby.
(P.S. I retract my request for her to be the next “Bachelorette.” Never.)
(P.P.S. Oh well, it happened anyway! Catch up on “The Bachelor”/”Bachelorette” news here in my nifty archive.)
GIA’S HOMETOWN DATE
Gia Allemand (her real first name is Gina) is a born and raised New Yorker and she’s excited to show Jake her “world.”
Just flash your tatas. That seems to be the bulk of your “world” at this point. (OK, maybe that was mean. Sorry.)
She thinks since she’s alone with Jake she’ll let her guard down.
Sure enough, they take photos on the ferry together and — you guessed it — Jake requested a “sexy” pose. Don’t give those shots away for free, girl.
Jake has “such a burning desire to get to know her heart.” Sure it’s the heart?
Uh oh. Gia is verbally walking Jake down ex row.
Gia said she had “one terrible relationship” who was into bad things and cheated on her with all her friends.
Is that ex-New York Yankees pitcher Carl Pavano, with whom she parted ways in 2007 after she allegedly caught him cheating?
She also talks about the last guy that she dated who was “young” and the communication when they fought was just “terrible.”
Was that Ottawa Senators star Chris Campoli?
Jake said he doesn’t like to let the sun go down on a big problem.
Jake told the camera Gia has been very hurt in the past and she’s doing everything she can to not be hurt again.
They go to dinner to meet Gia’s family — including her mom, Donna, who is her “best friend.”
Mom cries just hugging Gia.
Gia’s mom is such a New Yawhkah. (How YOU doin’?)
Mom said when Gia hurts she hurts more than Gia does.
But the camera didn’t really show all of her questions.
We do hear her ask if he loves all the girls. He said he’s fallen for all of them.
He told Mom it’s taken him a long time to get to know Gia.
“She just has a way about her. It feels real organic and there’s an immediate chemistry…”
He compliments Gia, but we didn’t hear any serious questions.
Everyone in the family doesn’t want to see Gia get “hurt again.” It’s the constant refrain. I’m starting to wonder what will happen when she is, in fact, hurt again.
Will the family take Jake out?
Mom talks about Jake always having Gia’s back, but Mom seems to be an interrupter. She wants to talk.
Gia asks her Mom if Gia looks at her like he cares. Mom said she thought Jake gave her “the look.”
Oh this makes me worried for Gia, considering what we “know” (thanks, RealitySteve) about what happens.
Gia makes the surprisingly mature statement that Jake can’t possibly love her right now and she’s not expecting or asking him to love her right now, she just wants to be different from the others.
Uh oh. Followed by “I want the fairy tale.” Good luck! You might want to grab a snack for that wait.
Jake doesn’t know if he’s been cheated on before. Ladies, want to fess up?
Jake told Gia’s brother, Erick, that he’s not a jealous guy but he is fiercely protective.
Brother basically threatened Jake if he hurts Gia. Jake, run … from Erick’s spiky hair. (Kidding!)
Gia said one of her favorite things is to just sit on the stoop and watch taxis go by. So they do that.
That’s nice. Why doesn’t he pick Gia?
Jake felt like he got to know Gia. He said it was so great that she let him in. “Love this girl! Love this girl!”
Wonder how Vienna likes hearing that now…
ALI’S HOMETOWN DATE
Welcome to the home of the Massholes, Jake! (I say as a proud ambassador.)
Oh Lord. Within a minute, Ali Fedotowsky is talking to the camera about Vienna. You can’t put it behind you if you reference it.
It’s fall in New England. So beautiful. Looks like crap now, though. Winter is poo.
Ali looks orange. Is she orange?
Jake is a “big baby” about the cold. Man up, Sally!
Does Jake fall in love with every woman he meets or is he just really really really into these four women?
I have to know how Vienna is handling watching this after the fact.
Grab a leaf and make a wish? That’s just cheesy enough for Jake to pounce on!
Ali: “Everything about our relationship is fun in a friendship but we want to kiss each other and be romantic, too.”
They stroll through thriving downtown Williamstown … to the cutest little cottage. Is that where her grandmother lived? Was she was one of the cute little fairies in “Sleeping Beauty”? Flora? Fauna or Merryweather?
Aww. She loved her grandma like a mom. The last time she was home was for her grandmother’s funeral.
So this was her way of introducing Jake to her grandma.
It’s hard to reconcile this very personal meeting with the idea that Ali leaves for work. Work is temporary — especially if she hadn’t been at Facebook that long.
Jake found it sad but intimate to be taken to Ali’s late grandmother’s house.
It’s not quite burying a dead bird, but talking about how you talk to dead people can be intimidating as a way of sharing extended alone time with a new boyfriend.
Jake meets Ali’s mom, Elizabeth, and siblings.
The last time Ali brought a guy home, her mom took the guy aside and said she could see how unhappy Ali was and the guy was not right for her.
So is Ali’s mom the one who suggests “work” as a way to get out?
Ali’s mom talked about basically Googling Jake to find out who he was. She was impressed by him saying we all grow old but what’s in your heart is what’s important.
Mom told the camera Ali was beaming and excited and she could see Jake was nice, but she wanted to get to know him more.
They went to sit outside and talk.
Ali told her sister (I think) about how excited and not nervous she was about introducing Jake.
Ali’s mom said being with someone she loves is probably one of the top priorities in Ali’s life (but not above work?).
Mom told Jake that Ali is the happiest that he’s seen her in a long time.
Mom: “In terms of my blessing, you certainly have it.”
That was easy.
Ali told her mom she looks at Jake and thinks “how lucky would I be if he were my husband.” Or something.
Mom’s gut feeling is that Jake is good for her and Ali will have a ring on her finger.
OK, we’re really laying this on thick. Mom is now looking forward to planning a wedding.
So all systems are go … for her to quit the show? What the heck are we not seeing?
Ali and Jake are sitting outside. She told Jake “I want to be there in the end. … If you asked me today I would say yes. I would.”
Jake smiles, puts his gloves away so he can grab her face and kisses her. Not exactly a proposal but — sweeping music! Thank you for restraining yourselves and not hitting the button for the instrumental “On the Wings of Love.”
Ali tearfully tells the camera it’s hard to say goodbye to Jake because when you are falling for someone it’s hard to not be around them.
TENLEY’S HOMETOWN DATE
Jake misses Tenley Molzahn “like crazy.”
Even though he’s in love with everyone, I really see him most with Tenley. They are both Disney characters.
They walk through some — wait a minute, why is she orange, too?
They walk through some wooded area. She talks about riding her bike for the first time.
I bet that place is buggy in the summertime.
Tenley wants to know what part Jake’s parents played in his life.
Tenley said her ex (Ryan Natividad, who is reportedly engaged to the fellow cop he cheated with) let other people run his life.
She wants somebody who wants to take the reins and “be the man.”
Jake said, twice, that he runs things by his parents but for some reason Tenley is relieved that Jake is not like her ex and makes his own decisions.
That’s not exactly what I heard, although Jake did say the decisions are ultimately his.
Tenley dances for Jake. “The dance that’s in my heart.” VOMIT.
Gia, the trained ballerina, should’ve thought of this, although her boobs may weigh her down now.
I think this is an extended audition for “So You Think You Can Dance.”
Jake said he was kind of melting in the chair.
She told the camera every time she looked at him he was beaming and it made her feel confident and “adored.”
Remember that word: “adored.”
She gave him a piece of her soul.
Why did her ex never see her dance? Why did they ever get married? Did he just smile at her once?
The most important thing to her is that she and her husband will be a “we” and a team.
Tenley and Jake dance. She wants someone to dance with forever.
That’s sweet. Really.
Jake is the first guy to meet Tenley’s parents after the divorce.
Jake feels like Tenley’s family will be the most cautious.
He wants to make sure Tenley is really over her ex-husband and ready to jump back into a marriage.
Tenley is talking to the camera about her ex. I really don’t know that she’s ready.
I think Jake and Tenley belong together — I do — but not right now. Wait about six months. Then try dating each other and see what happens. Tenley first needs to find out who Tenley is.
Ooh. This time Dad — our first Dad — pulls Jake away.
Tenley’s papa, Robert, took Jake up to their den as they drank wine and acted like vanilla upper-middle class people. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)
Jake talked about his values match with Tenley. And Jake said he felt Tenley would bring a lot of joy into a home.
Dad told Tenley he was happy to hear Jake’s priorities would be his wife and family.
OOOOOHHHH! Dad is crying talking about how it’s such a painful thing for a father to see his daughter in such a hurtful experience. (The ex again. This guy is so far under the bus you might as well paint his name on the brake line….not that I know where the brake line is.)
Tenley has an emotional family, but I wonder if Tenley would like Jake crying like her father. She likes a man to be a typical manly man.
Her mom seems cool. She sees Jake and Tenley as lasting forever.
So the only bar for the family was for Jake to be better than the ex. This has been easy.
Jake asks Tenley’s dad for his permission to propose to Tenley … if it comes to that.
But he just asks if he can marry Tenley. Which is not quite the same thing.
Dad said he could give his blessing for Tenley to be with a person like him.
You just met the guy!
Dad said that blessing comes with a responsibility. Jake agreed.
I feel so bad for Tenley. Just like Gia, her family does nothing but talk about how she’s been “hurt” and she’s poised to be hurt again.
Jake told the camera if he married Tenley he would be committed to her forever.
So maybe that’s why he picks Vienna. The high school loser (“Mr. Dateless”) needs to sow his wild oats before settling down with the marrying kind, like Tenley.
VIENNA’S HOMETOWN DATE
Fitting. One of our first images is of a Florida swamp with crocodiles … or alligators. Gators?
Jake wants to narrow the gap between what the women say about Vienna (was she on the grassy knoll?) to what he sees (sexy Sinderella).
They go for a river cruise. I guess it was an alligator.
Vienna said her dad has probably met two of her boyfriends. He didn’t even meet her ex-husband until after the fact?
She’s only 23, you know. Much too young for this and sounds it.
Vienna “really puts her dad on a pedestal.” Because he adores her. Remember that word.
The Paris Hilton dog! Chloe, was it?
Vienna shouted out that her father made her cry. They are hugging close. Definitely a daddy’s girl.
If anything goes wrong in the relationship, she’s going to run to Daddy to sort it out. Not good.
Vienna told her dad, Vincent, she thought she was falling for Jake. She’s never felt this way before, etc.
Vienna: “I feel like he’s exactly what you wanted me to find.”
Vienna and Vinny talk about how much they love each other. It’s getting icky.
Vinny told Jake that Vienna deserves to be treated like a princess.
Vinny said Vienna will treat Jake the same way — when he comes home the house will be clean and the kids will be raised right.
HA HA HA HA HA
That’s the one thing I bet you can count on NOT to happen. More likely when he comes home he’ll find Vienna either smooching the next door neighbor or eating bonbons on the couch with Paris Hilton Dog in her lap.
Jake told the fam he loves Vienna’s brutal honesty. So maybe he knows all this stuff about how everyone from high school to college to her ex-husband and his family all dislike her.
The family wasn’t shocked that Vienna didn’t get along with the other women. Jake somehow manages to find it refreshing that it shows Vienna was just “being herself” and going for what she wants.
They have a great laugh over how many cars she’s trashed.
Can you imagine being Gia, Ali or Tenley and watching this display? And hearing Jake talk about how he’s falling for her, too? Talk about making you feel cheap. He’s falling for THIS? Better to propose to the alligator.
This is so high school fantasy regression. The whole thing about the two of them making out on her bed like teenagers? That’s a fling, Jake. Not the true love you claim to want from this.
DUDE, her dad got her a ring. This could not get more creepy.
THE BIG REVEAL WITH ALI
Ali knocks on his door and the cameras just happen to already be there.
They sit and talk.
Ali is crying.
When is this in the timeline of the show? A month later? A week later?
Ali: “It’s the most impossible decision to make right now.”
“I have to choose between staying here and going back to work.”
Well, yeah, but didn’t you already make that choice? I thought they all did when they signed up for the show. Like Jake with his flying or the limo business he supposedly owns.
She said she can’t believe she has to make this decision and she hasn’t made up her mind.
Jake is silent.
They stare at each other.
Jake looks pissed. “God.”
Jake: “So what are you asking?”
ARE YOU GOING TO PICK ME???
Ali, whiny: “I don’t know.”
Jake: “I can say that we have something, you know, really special.”
Not enough, paco. She has something, you know, really special with Facebook.
Jake: “Ali, life is about minimizing your regrets. You just have to weigh which one is going to be a bigger regret. I think you are very lucky and very blessed to have a job but I think I am very blessed and very lucky to have gotten to meet you. So selfishly I would say stay here and take a chance on me. But I can’t right now guarantee you that I’m going to put a ring on your finger. But I can’t look you in the eye and tell you that I’m not going to.”
“I don’t know,” Ali said in this whiny voice. Has she always had this whiny voice?
Ali: “I guess at the rose ceremony I’ll let you know.”
Jake said whatever she decides is “OK.” OK is not enough.
But this isn’t “Big Love.” He can’t have four wives.
If Ali has to make a choice she at least knows if she chooses Facebook they’ll accept her. If she chooses Jake he may DUMP HER FOR VIENNA AND THE PARIS HILTON DOG AND THAT ALLIGATOR. AND VINNY!
Jake: “All I have right now is hope” that Ali stays.
CHRIS TALKS TO JAKE
Chris Harrison wants to talk about Ali.
Jake pauses and says he doesn’t know. Her job is going to fire her if she stays.
Facebook is evil!
He said the love of his life may be walking out the door.
But, as Chris points out, she may decide to stay and then Jake says sorry, you’re not the one.
Jake: “I thought all the drama was over. Now when I’m least expecting it I get the biggest bombshell of all dropped on me.”
“If Ali does leave it’s going to break my heart. But Ali isn’t the only girl I have feelings for.”
Which means your heart won’t break … unless you have multiple hearts, like a bunch of “Harry Potter” horcruxes out there.
Jake could see Gia as his wife, and not just because of her looks. He could see a bright, vivid future with Tenley. He also said something about Vienna, but whatever.
Ali looks at the other girls as Jake stares at the photos of the four girls.
Jake said he came here to find love and he thinks he found it. But the decision is not his to make.
Does that mean he had fallen in love with Ali — beyond the love he apparently feels for every other girl he meets?
Ali told the camera she feels like she’s choosing between the two loves of her life — a guy that she loves and a job that she loves.
Ali is still saying she doesn’t know what to do.
“I’m even more mad at myself for not knowing. For not coming here knowing. So many what ifs, maybes…”
This is exactly how “Bachelor” and “Bachelorette” main people talk when they are choosing between the right person.
Oh, Jake does his classic, put her legs on his lap move.
Ali needs to hear what Jake has to say. She’s using her whiny little girl voice again.
“Maybe you don’t know,” she whines.
He said he doesn’t want her to go.
He asks how she felt when they were kissing by the fire.
She said she felt like she was falling in love. Her feelings have progressed, she said, and she’s never felt like she met anyone as deserving of her love.
But there are still three other girls downstairs.
Jake: “If you’re falling in love with me then you need to weigh that.”
I hope he said something more to her privately. Like “I was going to send you home anyway.” Or “I was going to send Gia home, so stay.”
She leans into him and says she keeps on going back and forth. This is getting tired.
I can’t even listen to the whine anymore. Frakking go already.
Jake said “You weren’t on the line tonight.” What does that mean? She wasn’t going to go? What if he would’ve dumped Vienna if not for Ali leaving?
Jake: “If you choose to leave I will be devastated.”
Chris comes in to see if she’s made her decision.
She burst into tears and asks for a little bit more time. No. This is not a game show. No lightning round.
“I have to go” she eventually whispers after more tears. Thank Christ.
ROSE CEREMONY PART II
The women are still standing there.
Jake leans over a gold railing — oh oh oh — ah no. Alas. Not quite a sobbing at the balcony moment, although it was something of an homage.
Chris tells the ladies Ali has left and for the first time ever there is no rose ceremony.
Anyone else want to jump ship?
Tenley in green. Gia in red. Vienna in … purple, I think.
They are going, tomorrow, to the Caribbean island of St. Lucia.
Ali, you said no to that?
IN ALI’S LIMO
She’s still not sure she made the right call. She’s asking “What did I do? How could I have left him?”
And yet RealitySteve was adamant that Ali does NOT return to the show, like Ed Swiderski or Reid Rosenthal.
So what’s up with the phone call?