Gia hides from the monster in the castle dungeon ... called VIENNA.

By Gina Carbone
gina_carbone@comcast.net

I’m starting to feel sorry for Vienna Girardi.

ABC is giving her the total “Villian Edit” on “The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love.” (See Wes Hayden)

They even said in the previews that Vienna had Jake Pavelka in her “claws.”

(Tip: If you feel compelled to use this kind of insult, say “talons” instead of “claws.” It sounds much better.)

Are they trying some kind of reverse psychology?

Because, really, we haven’t seen Vienna perform too many acts of terror.

She is an irritating spoiled Paris Hilton, but so what? Do we all just hate her because we’ve been told she’s his F1?

Anyway, the final five went to San Francisco and Ali Fedotowsky was thrilled because “that’s my town.” (Except that she’s from Massachusetts.)

Vienna said she’d never been in a big city before. Really? And later in the show, when Jake took her onto his room’s balcony, she squealed that it was her first time out in the city. Really? Had she been moping around the hotel room?

Seriously, what’s up with this chick? She may not be evil, but she is high-maintenance.

And that’s without talking about her late night booty call at the castle — aka When The Troll In the Dungeon Gets Horny. Coming to a theater near you.

Jake just makes odd choices. If Vienna and Ali are ready to accept it and move on, maybe I should, too.

But it bugs me that both Tenley Molzahn and Gia Allemand are so insecure they need reassurance every five seconds.

Tenley needs you to reassure her. She's great, right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right?

Seriously, Tenley was probably panicking for a minute there because that was the first time she was mentioned after a dozen sentences.

Did anyone else see red flags when she talked about lessons she learned from her marriage — one being that she should’ve jumped up and cheered for her ex-husband like a puppy dog when he came home from work?

Poor sweet, needy Tenley. No. You should’ve met him at the door with his suitcase and divorce papers. It’s not too much to ask for your husband to be faithful. That’s what the vows were for. Just because you didn’t feed him grapes every day didn’t mean he had reason to stray.

Then there’s Gia, the gorgeous swimsuit model who always needs to be told she stands out, she’s special. She constantly needs compliments. That gets old. Fast.

Jake has his “madonna” crowd — virgin Corrie Adamson (poor girl; virgins everywhere are now quaking in fear) and needy puppy Tenley; and his “whore” crowd — booty call Vienna and show-my-body-to-get-attention Gia.

Then there’s Ali, who is normal and cool and sooooo much better than Jake deserves.

She’s not perfect — I’m sick of her Vienna bashing even though I still don’t like Vienna — but she deserves to find the right guy. And the right guy was never Jake, just like Jake was never the right guy for Jillian Harris.

I’m on Team Ali for “The Bachelorette.”

TENLEY’S DATE

Jake said they are done camping, it’s all 5-star stuff now, and they don’t have to worry about getting a rose on dates anymore.

Seriously though, right?

They had three one-on-one dates and one two-on-one date.

Tenley Molzahn got the first one-on-one date.

She feels “really behind” the other girls and needs reassuring. She seems like she’s going to need that her whole life. Who has the patience for that? Baby needs to grow up.

Jake told the camera Tenley seems like a “really sweet girl” and is so positive. That bodes ill. Guys say they like that, and maybe they do, but like is not enough.

They went shopping and had some food in Chinatown. Jake called her “playful” and Tenley thought there was a lot of chemistry. She felt like they were a couple.

They have a sweet, but very polite talk about how “patient” she’s been, waiting for another date. I wish the cameras could leave them alone so they could really see if they work as a couple.

Jake realized he’s starting to fall for Tenley. Considering he thought he was in love with Jillian after one night last season, Tenley should be insulted.

Jake wants to know more about Tenley’s future plans, what she wants in a husband, etc.

DOUBLE DATE CARD

Corrie Adamson read the date card, saying it was Ali and Vienna.

“I feel sick right now” was Ali’s immediate reaction.

“Just kidding!” Corrie said, laughing.

Corrie said it was really Vienna and Gia Allemand.

Vienna was upset about Ali’s reaction, but she was calm about it. She and Gia were going to leave the room to talk about it.

Ali asked Vienna if she had a problem. (Of course, were you not just there for that?)

Vienna said Ali knew what she did — she flipped out after the rose ceremony when Jake picked her and now they have this tension.

Vienna said she’s just been honest, everything she’s said has been what everyone else has said. She hasn’t been talking smack about the other girls.

Ali went on about how Vienna is nothing like her. She’s not really making her case well, since there is no case. Who cares if you aren’t like Vienna?

“Ali just pisses me off. She does,” Vienna told the camera.

I don’t like Vienna, but I’m with her on this little mini drama.

Ali didn’t need to be so over-the-top after the rose ceremony last week and she also didn’t need to say she felt sick after hearing the double date would be her and Vienna.

But Corrie got her reaction. She’s a sly one, that Corrie.

BACK TO TENLEY DATE

Which is boring.

They are in a beautiful building, Coit Tower. They have a great view but they are ignoring it to stare at each other.

Jake: “Tenley of all the women is the one I picture most as my wife.”

Tenley wishes she had jumped up and greeted her ex-husband (like a puppy) when he came home from work.

So she’s blaming herself and thinking she has to be clingy and overly affectionate to keep a man from straying.

Poor Tenley.

Jake said he expected his wife to have his back, no matter what. Respect for his wife is one of the most important things to him.

He expects her to have respect for him even if he does something stupid and hurts her feelings.

Tenley says yes! Like they didn’t just articulate major double standards.

He gets to be an ass, she jumps on him like a puppy.

Jake said the woman he marries will be the last woman he looks at. Awww!

Not true, though. He’s human. It doesn’t work that way, not even for couples who have stayed in love for 50 years.

OH NO!! The instrumental version of “On the Wings of Love” is back.

Maybe Jake doesn’t pick Tenley in the end out of fear that it will follow them everywhere.

But they kiss to the music. All very nauseating.

GIA & VIENNA DOUBLE DATE

A huge trunk of clothes arrives for them to choose from. They will get used to this treatment, Jake, and you are not naturally rich. So keep that in mind when you return to the “real world.”

The troll stalks prince charming. And he finds it "awkward." Something to tell the grandkids!

In the limo, Gia is worried that she is going to be the third wheel. Vienna is more outgoing and she has a stronger relationship with Jake. She thinks.

Another winery!

Jake is worried about how he is going to divide his attention between two women. It’s kind of “awkward,” he said.

They are at a 12th century Tuscan castle. Without being in Tuscany.

“I’m my dad’s princess and I’m Jake’s queen and he’s my prince charming,” Vienna said. Or something to that effect.

They will be staying overnight! Love.

Vienna is already monopolizing Jake. They are so tight, Gia said. She felt out of it.

BACK AT THE RANCH

What about ME?

Ali is talking about Ali. She’s worried that Vienna will be talking about her to Jake. Why would she bother?

Ali wants to tell Jake she’s human and sometimes says things she shouldn’t.

Tenley thinks Gia and Vienna might be on the date because he isn’t sure about them or something.

BACK AT THE CASTLE

Oh! So Vienna DOES talk about Ali. How stupid are these girls? Or are the producers telling the girls to play this stuff up?

Vienna tears up (put that in quotation marks in your mind) just talking to Jake about how Ali reacted after the rose ceremony.

So Jake spent time reassuring Vienna that he chose the women that he chose, including Vienna “for very specific reasons.”

The producers told me to! Ha.

Jake thought the date was “very, very awkward” because Vienna was pulling forward and Gia was holding back.

So Jake stole Gia away first.

Vienna told the camera that Jake only shows attention to Gia when they are alone but he shows attention to her (Vienna) all the time.

Gia told the camera she is probably the most insecure girl there. (How did she not end up having an affair with a staffer — looks like they were in the prowl for hot chicks.)

Gia said when you’re falling for someone and other girls are saying the same things happened to them it make them feel less special.

Apparently Jake likes to have girls put their legs in his lap. Gia thought it was “our thing” and it hurt her that it wasn’t.

But she said it in such a sweet, sad way. Not pushy or arrogant or entitled at all. I feel bad for her. She and Tenley are so insecure they will just fall for anyone who pays them the slightest bit of attention. Have higher standards than being told you’re drop-dead gorgeous! Because, yeah. He is saying that to all of them.

But Jake complimented Gia and she was flattered and reassured and they kissed.

So Vienna went on the hunt to find them. Wandering the castle tunnels like the resident troll in the dungeon.

She ended up finding Jake and Gia.

She pulled her “boyfriend” away.

Jake said he’s sorry Vienna had a hard time in the house.

You’re worth it, she said.

What would married life be like with you? Jake asked.

She wants her marriage to be like 60-year-old kids in love every single day. She doesn’t want it to die down.

She told him she really is falling for him.

Vienna told the camera Jake seems a little bit distant.

She keeps telling him she doesn’t want to share him with the other girls. But that’s what you signed up for.

Vienna stalked Jake into his bedroom area. He wasn’t naked (but close, he said). She was sexy as hell with two glasses of wine and he assured us he had “dirty thoughts” but once again he threw down the word “awkward.”

He did not look into it. I think this was a double date purely for this reason — so he had an excuse not to hook up overnight.

It was all Rated G, he said.

CORRIE’S DATE

Corrie keeps following Tenley’s lead — this time saying she feels “behind” the other girls.

She is also modest in her behavior, like Tenley, and shares Jake’s values, like Tenley.

Corrie, just move in for 20 percent.

We have a good Madonna/whore mix here, with Tenley and Corrie on one side and Gia and Vienna on the other.

Ali doesn’t fit.

They took a little rowboat through a pond.

Corrie said she’s never dated just to date. She was raised to not set her heart on someone she didn’t think she would marry. She’s never been a “recreational dater.”

Another “awkward” moment when they were both close on the boat and she was thinking he might move in for the 90 percent part of the kiss and she would give in the 10.

Jake thinks it should be 80 guy/20 girl.

But no. Jake wanted dinner. Jake said the relationship is just moving along really slow and he doesn’t know why.

Corrie, show your sly sense of humor!

They go to the science center to just hang around. They had the place to themselves.

Now Corrie is dropping the a-word — calling it “awkward” between them.

But they sat down and talked things through.

Corrie said she moves slower than the other girls, but she’ll tell him anything he wants to know.

They are at the point where they are about to make a turn, he said.

Corrie looks like the girl who stood behind me at CVS on Monday. Just throwing that out there.

Corrie said if they got engaged she would want to be in Dallas or wherever he was, but she’d want her own apartment.

She wouldn’t live with someone before marriage; that’s part of “the gift of marriage.”

Jake: “Are you saving yourself for marriage?”
Corrie: “I am.”

She was very confident about it. She knows who she is.

He smiled and said he completely respected where she was coming from and it was not an issue for him.

That’s nice.

They kissed. He was impressed that she opened up and told him that she was a virgin. He loves these big announcements — divorces, virginity. What does Ali have to reveal?

ALI’S DATE

Ali gets to show Jake her city. She’s going to show him “me.”

Jake showed her his home-away-from home with aviation and this is her home-away-from-home.

San Francisco is a great city. This is a good travelogue for it.

Jake wants to talk about Vienna. He luuuuuuuves her.

Her favorite flower is a daisy.

But she called Jake “my big flower.” Ha! You cheeseball!

It’s sweet, though, because she’s walked by that flower stand so many times, wishing she had someone special with her. Someone who wants to make her happy, etc. It makes me want her to be “The Bachelorette.”

BACK AT THE RANCH

The girls at the house call her Ali Cat.

Vienna is feeling stressed because Ali already had a one-on-one date and now she’s getting the last date before the rose ceremony.

BACK TO ALI’S DATE

They are having a blast. Jake likes seeing Ali this way.

They have some wine and foamy stuff and talk about serious things.

Hint to what’s to come: Ali said on Sunday morning the first thing in the morning she checks her e-mail. He may have to pull her away from it.

She only works five days a week, though, she said.

He said he’d love SF and Ali said she’d love Texas.

A hometown date would be in Williamstown. She does not have the picture perfect family, she warns.

She said she’s taking this very seriously. Jake said the comfort level with Ali is very natural.

Jake and Ali are sitting outside in the sunset.

Speaking of trust, he says, he felt like there was something Ali might’ve wanted to talk to him about after the last rose ceremony.

Ali said some rambling thing about how she wants him to be happy and she doesn’t always understand the choices that he makes … but she doesn’t need to ask him any questions.

Are you sure, he asks?

He’s basically asking you to stop talking crap about Vienna the second he’s out of earshot.

So they start talking about Vienna and how Vienna goes out of her way to show that she’s there for Jake. She’s honest and real with him. He’s gushing about Vienna.

Ali said she’s come to a place where she has to just move on and accept that it’s not her business to understand why Jake’s choosing Vienna.

They kissed and had a romantic night. That did seem like a great date.

COCKTAIL HOUR

Tenley touches base with Jake. It’s been days since she’s had her one-on-one time with him. She talks about how hard it is to think that a man she’s falling for could be falling for another woman.

Same old same old with this show. Filler.

Jake said it was the first time he saw Tenley start to fall apart a little, worried about the connection.

So he “reassured her” again, that she’s special to him. Pat the puppy!

Tenley wanted to dance with Jake so they just start dancing. Like Ali with the flowers, this is something she’s always wanted to do so she’s using Jake as her wish fulfillment.

Jake stole Corrie away.

Corrie to the camera: “Just because I’m a virgin doesn’t mean I’m not in touch with my sensual side.”

(!)

Jake said Corrie doesn’t want to be labeled as the virgin and he doesn’t see her that way.

He pulled Gia aside and they talked about the castle. Jake passed Gia’s test of character that he turned down Vienna’s late night booty call.

Once again, Gia said she wanted to stand out to Jake, fishing for a compliment — which he gave her, “You’re not like any of the other four women.”

She gives him the flirty eyed look. She’s another one I’m worried is too insecure and needy.

Jake pulled Vienna aside. He said he’s really attracted to her. Can he explain why?

He showed her where he is staying. They went on the balcony and Vienna said it was the first time she was out in the city.

What? So she’s been sitting around the hotel? Why not go out and wander around?

Jake told her not to worry about their awkward night encounter at the castle.

Vienna thinks Ali is just “a bump on the road” for Jake. She wants him to be happy and he has to figure it out on his own.

Same speech Ali made, basically, but Vienna made it to the camera.

This sounds like foreshadowing:  Jake said his relationship with Vienna is probably going to turn a corner. He‘s held back because of some of the other women, but he wants to fall for Vienna so he’s going to let his heart out and see where it lands.

Chris Harrison! He pulls Jake out for the rose ceremony. I still love Chris.

ROSE CEREMONY

Jake’s most upset that he’s going to make one woman feel the way Jillian made him feel when she let him go. And that memory is burned into his mind.

Jake told the ladies he’s falling for five women, which is not want any woman wants to hear.

These four women will go on the hometown dates. Or they are SUPPOSED to, but supposedly Ali backs out.

1. Tenley Molzahn
2. Ali Fedotowsky
3. Gia Allemand

Ladies, Jake. This is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready.

4. Vienna Girardi

Getting the shaft: Virgin Queen Corrie Adamson.

Jake said it was disappointing that Corrie took so long to open up. (As a friend of mine just noted, a very poor choice of words.)

In the limo, Corrie cried a little bit but she … did she sound sloshed to anyone else? A bit drunk?  Tipsy? No? You can still be a virgin and get tipsy.

Don’t be sad to leave “The Bachelor,” Corrie. It’s OK. Stay true to yourself. Someone will love you for it. That and your sly sense of humor.

NEXT WEEK

We see clips from the hometown dates. Love Gia’s mom’s accent.

When he’s least expecting it he gets “The biggest bombshell of all” dropped on him.

He’s shown hugging a woman, saying “What does your heart tell you to do?” like “The Phantom Menace” all over again.

That would be Ali leaving … for work, supposedly, but I’m hoping it’s secretly because she doesn’t want Jake if Jake wants Vienna. Or something.

Chris Harrison says for the first time ever there is no rose ceremony. Probably because by that point they’ll already be down to Vienna, Tenley and Gia.

What’s with all the singing?

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