In many ways, I'll miss Crazy Michelle and her cross between Bryce Dallas Howard and Glenn Close from "Fatal Attraction."

By Gina Carbone
gina_carbone@comcast.net

I don’t want you to read this “Bachelor” post until you’re ready to commit to me as your one-and-only “Bachelor” source … unless you want to read this now. Do you want to? If you don’t, I’ll leave. I’ll go pack my things right now.

Unless you want me to stay? I get jealous. I’m choosing you, you know. I really really really want you to read this blog. My parents want another grandblog and it’s my time. Everyone else in my family has a blog. Unless you don’t want me to want you to want to read it. I’ll take my coconuts and leave if you don’t.

What’s that? I’m playing games? How dare you. Where are you getting that? I don’t even know what you want yet because we haven’t finished our conversation about it.

Oh, Vienna. Sure. I guess you can take Jake away from me.

Elizabeth wants you to kiss her ... or not ... or so ... or not.

It’s good to watch this with the perspective that Jake Pavelka chooses Vienna Girardi at the end of “The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love.” Because it shows how many ways out he had that he ignored.

Then again, when compared to both Crazy Michelle Kujawa and her embarrassing coconuts and game-playing egomaniac Elizabeth Kitt, Vienna looks good.

Not that the other girls would see it that way. We may not love Vienna only three episodes into the season, but the other girls in the house HATE her.

(On top of everything else, Vienna may have had a boyfriend back home while on the show.)

Poor Valishia Savage. She never got a single word in during this show. She’s the Brett Clouser of “The Bachelor.”

Valishia -- run. Run for your life and be glad to be free.

Then again, lucky Valishia Savage. She seemed to skate on top of the drama. Who needs, it, really?

Besides me, I mean. I love it. Eating it up.

We already know Ali Fedotowsky — go Massachusetts girl! — is pretty much the leader of Team Die Vienna Die. But, according to the previews for next week, Tenley Molzahn (future runner-up) is her lieutenant.

(Speaking of Tenley, I never believed for a moment that she was pregnant, but unless I missed it, they edited out her much-repeated “I’m pregnant” blurb from the previews. What gives?)

(Answer to question above: According to host Chris Harrison, “A note about Tenley pregnancy rumors. It was a joke she made that was originally in the show. We cut it out but ABC left it in the promo. Bit of a mix up. You’ll see full video on Women Tell All special!”)

Tenley, what the heck? Did you even tease about a pregnancy? Why was it edited out?

Chris Harrison gets to return next week to talk smack about two more ladies. Lucky guy.

And we may get to finally see why Jake burns a rose. The most dramatic rose burning EVER!

Can’t wait to see it … unless you don’t want me to?

** STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS RECAP**


VIENNA ONE-ON-ONE BUNGEE DATE

Vienna gets one-on-one date with Jake. “Let’s fall head over heels.”

Michelle thinks of herself as an attractive person and she sees Vienna as the opposite of who she is.

Ali is surprised Jake picked Vienna. She almost felt a sense of betrayal to see another girl go on a one-on-one. Especially if that girl is Vienna. (But don’t the producers really choose the one-on-one dates?)

So this is interesting to watch, considering what we “know” about how this ends.

Once again, Jake rides away with a chick on a motorcycle. I don’t buy that he really likes that.

Jake feels Vienna is the life of the party and blunt and intense.

Vienna is “a little bit out of my comfort zone.”

Uh-oh! That’s what he said about Rozlyn last week.

A helicopter shows up and whisks them away.

She’s a little scared of heights so she’s not sure how much she’ll enjoy it. Why do women who are afraid of heights even sign up for this show? They always hang you upside down or fly you away or whatever. And the guy’s a freakin’ pilot.

(Although I read somewhere that Jake has a fear of heights, too.)

BACK AT THE RANCH

Uh-oh. The girls are ragging on Vienna.

They joke that Jake will drop her off like Jillian dumped … what the heck was his name??

Corrie said if Vienna is Jake’s type, she is not.

Elizabeth said Vienna speaks her mind and it’s kind of fun. Or something.

BACK IN THE AIR

Jake won’t tell Vienna where they are going.

Here’s one of the main problems with “The Bachelor” — they have these wild adventure dates that set the couple up for a life of high-end expensive stuff, and then they have to go back to “real life” where they can’t see each other for months while the show is on, then have more cameras on them while people dissect if they’ll make it or not, then get some lousy apartment together somewhere where they can get on each other’s nerves.

Oh, OK, now we’re talking about Jake’s fear of heights, which is so acute it’s embarrassing. Remind me never to let him fly me anywhere.

The two of them are a couple of Wimpy Wimpersons. Man up, Sally!

I feel bad for the crew, having to deal with the two panicking babies. It’s just a bungee jump. Cancer research does not depend upon it. If you don’t jump, nothing will happen.

They jump. They are so pleased with themselves. Why have these adventure dates for people who have no real sense of adventure beyond getting drunk and yelling “Woo!”

He kissed her while they swung back and forth. Kind of Spider-Man, except both of them were upside down.

Jake: “My first kiss with Vienna is unlike any first kiss I’ve ever had in 31 years.”

Vienna: “Kissing Jake is just … ah .. .amazing. It’s like the whole world just stops.”

She said it’s a memory they will share forever. (Prediction: Even after she eventually breaks it off, Shayne Lamas-style.)

They have a drink  of wine outside and kiss again.

Jake said one thing he knows for sure is that Vienna is there for the right reasons. She wears her heart on her sleeve.

Vienna wants her best friend, but she also wants someone to have fun with and bungee jump with and travel the world with.

She needs to tell him that she’s a Daddy’s girl with one of those Paris Hilton dogs. Does he know? Does he not care? Maybe he really wants that kind of high-maintenance chick.

Jake: “Vienna continues to surprise me.”

How?

BACK AT THE RANCH

Ella is upset because she still hasn’t had a date with Jake.

Group date card: Corrie, Elizabeth, Ali, Tenley, Ashley, Jessie, Kathryn and Michelle — “Love is no laughing matter, or is it?”

Tenley said she’d be surprised to see Vienna come home with a rose. She’s sure Jake is going to see what the girls in the house have seen.

Oh Tenley, THEY NEVER DO! In all the years of watching this show, we always end up here: A guy picks a girl who is 180 degrees different with him than she is with the other girls in the house. Said girl always reverts back to her default setting after the show, launching the breakup.

And the same scenario works on “the Bachelorette” for the girl who picks a guy.

JAKE GIVES VIENNA A ROSE

Of course she does.

“I’m on cloud Jake right now.”

They got in the pool and had some sweet, innocent kisses, Vienna said, and then more passionate kisses.

She said the best day of her life will be the day she maries Jake.

BACK AT THE RANCH

Vienna talks about the date. Ali is beyond shocked that Vienna came back with a rose — that she came back at all.

GROUP DATE — COMEDY CLUB

They are going to the Jon Lovitz Comedy Club in Universal City. (Nice plug for Jon Lovitz! Except that he’s probably humiliated to be part of “The Bachelor”!)

Jon Lovitz, reacting to the “woos!” and claps from the chicks: “Settle down, I’m not ‘The Bachelor’!”

Jon said Jake should just pick one of the eight women and let him have the other seven. He calls him a selfish (bleep), which I appreciate since it’s a nice refreshing break from the cutesy Disney-fication of the show.

BACK AT THE RANCH

Ella got the date card but Vienna kind of “stole her moment” by not shutting up about her own experience.

GROUP DATE — COMEDY CLUB

Ashleigh — the one who looks like Connie Britton of “Friday Night Lights” — was panicking and crying because she couldn’t come up with jokes.

Turns out they are not just performing for Jake, they have to perform for a bunch of strangers.

You know, it’s telling how often women end up crying out of fear on these “Bachelor” dates. That’s not love they’re feeling afterward, it’s relief that they won’t be tortured again. It’s a kind of Stockholm Syndrome.

Ali was up first — “Does anybody know why Tigger was licking the toilet? He was looking for Pooh!” She laughs at her own joke.

Tenley doesn’t do a joke, she just did some kind of leg back yoga move.

After that move, Jon joked, who cares if she’s funny.

Elizabeth seemed pretty comfortable on stage with a raunchy bleeped out performance.

Kathryn pulled Jake on stage and made him kiss her. “I’m sorry there’s no punch line, I just wanted to see how these lips taste.”

Flash to Crazy Michelle, who is stone-faced as usual.

She told the camera when she kisses Jake it will be tongue in the mouth, rip your clothes off.

She made some sick joke about how there are palm trees there but no coconuts, then pointed to her own boobs.

OH MY GOD THIS IS PAINFUL.

There was also a bad golf joke about waiting for her hole to get a one-on-one.

Ali said Michelle just seems a little “off” and there’s something going on with her that the other girls don’t know about. (It’s called insanity.)

It was Ashleigh’s turn to go but she just stood there when her name was called and didn’t go down to the stage.

So Corrie went next. And used her time to make fun of Tenley as exercise obsessed and Kathryn as bleeped out. She also worked her boobs as Vienna, then said Vienna loves to walk around naked and talk crap about the other girls in the house. (Pot. Kettle. Black.)

But it worked because Jake noticed the other girls were laughing at the Vienna jokes, so he knows there’s another side to her that he hasn’t seen.

Ashleigh finally got up and did some blonde jokes. She got some laughs. Good for her.

TENLEY REVEALS HER NEWS

Tenley wanted to tell Jake the truth, because of the Rozlyn incident.

She said she was married and he left her after having an affair with another woman.

She cried and hugged him.

She said she still believes in marriage and wants to give a man her love.

“I don’t want that to be a piece of me but it is.”

If anything, Jake said, it makes him like her more.

She said she wanted to kiss him but didn’t want to put lipstick marks all over him.

Then let him kiss her.

She said he smelled good.

Did I miss the pregnancy part? I know she wasn’t really pregnant, but wasn’t she supposed to say it?

ASHLEIGH TALKS TO JAKE ABOUT VIENNA

Ashleigh is worried that if Jake likes Vienna he is not right for her.

She told Jake the girls were livid when Vienna go home.

“What is it about Vienna that I’m not seeing?” Jake asked.

Jake told the camera he was surprised that the women had so much negativity against Vienna and “bless her heart” she wasn’t even there to defend herself.

Ugh! You’re thinking with your nether-regions again, man!

BACK AT THE RANCH

Vienna is fighting with Gia.

Gia: “People didn’t sleep in your room because they don’t want to be around you.”

Gia said she is the only person that is there for Vienna right now. “And you’re losing me.”

Vienna: “I am done with this conversation because all of you are fake. You are fake as can be.”

She said something about the cameras, so was she upset that the conversation was being held around the cameras or did she pitch her drama because the cameras were there? Why not just have an affair with a cameraman? Then you’ll get great coverage.

ALI TALKS TO JAKE

Ali was wondering if something went wrong because she had her one-on-one date with Jake and then she didn’t hear from him.

Then Ali talks about Vienna again.

Jake told her the only thing he knows about people is what he sees and what people tell him.

It’s good to watch this with the perspective that he chooses Vienna. Because it shows how many ways out he had that he ignored.

CHEERS TO CORRIE

Ali toasts to Corrie in front of the women to thank her for revealing the truth about Vienna.

Everyone toasted Corrie … except Crazy Michelle.

Michelle fought with Ali and Elizabeth said Michelle needs a therapist.

MICHELLE TALKS TO JAKE

She basically bullies him into kissing her and then she insults him, saying he has to give her more than that. “That was nothing.”

Jake told her he was almost ready for this night to be over. This is the first time I feel truly sorry for Jake.

Then Michelle said she understood how he was feeling but she can’t stay.

To have this time with him and not be able to really kiss him was upsetting her.

Jake said she decided before to pack her bags and leave and then stayed. She said she would stay if he wanted her to.

But at this point I think Jake is just tired of games.

Jake: “I think it would be better if you did leave.”

Jake’s first good move!

Michelle, take your coconuts and go.

JAKE TELLS THE GIRLS

He told them he sent Michelle home.

He said he’s not going to give a rose out that night.

“I feel like I just kinda need some time. Thank you guys for being such good sports today. And I’ll see you real soon.”

And he quickly walked away. I think he was just so sick of everything that night.

The girls talked about how amazingly strong Jake was.

ELLA’S ONE-ON-ONE DATE

Another helicopter.

BACK AT THE RANCH

Vienna believes she’ll be there for a while so she decides to be the bigger person and apologize for the things she said.

Ali challenged her on it, since Vienna called her fake and did other things that set the girls against her.

Vienna started choking up, talking about how she was trying to be very sincere.

Ali felt Vienna just wanted a quick fix. (I agree) And there were serious questions about who she really was.

ELLA’S ONE-ON-ONE-DATE

We know the kid is going to have to come out. I can’t believe Ella doesn’t know as well.

It was Ella’s birthday the other day and her present is to have her son, Ethan, there.

Very sweet.

They had a private kind of Shamu day.

Remember when Trista and Ryan went to SeaWorld (I think it was SeaWorld) and Trista kissed a dolphin and Ryan told the camera he was a little jealous? Good times.

Ella told the camera Jake thought of everything. I think ABC might’ve thought of most of it.

Ethan does kind of look like a mini Jake.

He loves aviation and is really smart, but a bit shy at the beginning. Which is normal for kids. Don’t confuse him with this “Bachelor” camera stuff.

Ella said she could see Jake as her husband. She told him she did want more children.

Her picture-perfect ending would be like Trista and Ryan.

They hug. They don’t seem to have a romantic chemistry, but they have a thoughtful kind of friendship.

He wants what he thinks of as a hot, sexy chick instead of the one who makes sense.

But he gave Ella a rose.

ELIZABETH PLAYS GAMES

Elizabeth asks Jake if he is good at backrubs.

He said he is.

Jake said he hates to say this about Elizabeth, but he thought he was sitting there with the queen of mixed signals.

He told that to the camera, but he did tell her to her face that she was playing games with him.

She said he should want to kiss her because she’s a good kisser.

Jake told her he was confused because she has a lot of different sides.

She said she has a jealous side.

Jake said he’s known couples who decided not to kiss for spiritual reasons and he didn’t feel that was the way with her.

It’s not, she said.

Jake thought she was teasing him.

She was. She’s irritating. What a 4-year-old.

Vienna walked in with her rose to steal Jake away.

Elizabeth still wasn’t sure if Jake needed her to kiss him.

That whole drama was like who’s on first or something out of “Alice and Wonderland.”

Elizabeth told the camera she was “shocked” that Jake thought she was playing games. She thought she was just being flirtatious.

OK, after that, Vienna does look sane.

So she looks good as she makes her pitch to Jake about being an honest person.

She kisses Jake. See how easy that was, Elizabeth.

Jake told Vienna he was glad she was there and glad that she had a rose.

So he’s an easy mark.

Oh my God, Valishia is still here. Why hasn’t she had a single word during this show?

Elizabeth is still going on and on about not understanding what Jake meant – she’s not desperate, she said. “I am all colors of the rainbow.” What?

The other girls are ticked because there are girls who never got one on one time and Vienna stole Jake away.

Elizabeth is still going on to the camera. She’s not a fish in a pond looking for a hook. She’s selective. She is the one trying to choose him. She has MAJOR ego issues. Another high-maintenance purebred yippy dog.

But she gets to talk to Jake again and they had two different perspectives on what she meant by the waiting to kiss and other stuff.

He had respected her for spiritual beliefs and modesty and she was really just trying to do some self-preservation mind-game stuff.

ROSE CEREMONY

Vienna Girardi and Ella Nolan have roses.

3. Gia Allemand
4. Corrie Adamson
5. Tenley Molzahn
6. Ali Fedotowsky
7. Jessie Sulidis  — Who? We never see her on camera.
8. Kathryn (PopTower didn’t have her last name!)

*Ladies, Jake, this is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready.*

9. Ashleigh Hunt

Getting the shaft are Elizabeth Kitt and Valishia Savage, who never got any air time anyway.

Did Jake tell Valishia “give your kids a lot of love for me”? Guess so. We never got to know this girl.

She told the camera she’s used to things not going her way. Like camera time!

Elizabeth — first thing she says to Jake is — “I should’ve kissed you.”

She does not get it.

***

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