Rozlyn goes from "What's wrong with me, Jake?" to nearly naked make-out session. All in the first 20 minutes!

By Gina Carbone
gina_carbone@comcast.net

Let’s not-so live blog “The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love,” shall we?

(Sorry I couldn’t do live. Had to do laundry. Blame my neighbors who stole all the available dryers AGAIN. Then the cat picked a fight. You know the drill.)

“Bachelor” host Chris Harrison tells the 15 how lucky they are that Jake chose them, since “thousands” of women wrote to them wanting free trips to Magic Mountain to date Jake.

There’s WAY TOO MUCH BUILD UP before The Rozlyn Incident, but ABC has to get its two hours worth of advertising, I suppose.

Dang it.

Oh well, let’s get to the stream of consciousness recap:

GROUP DATE — PHOTO SHOOT

Gia, Rozlyn, Valishia, Corrie, Christina and Ashley H. are going to something involving “a picture is worth a thousand words.”

Time for filler: Jake babbling about how last night was the best night of his life. You know what these moments need? A MacGruber from “Saturday Night Live.” Some kind of *boom* explosion mid-earnest-sentence and then “MACGRUBER!!”

Jake drives the group ladies to Santa Monica. And when I say Jake drives I mean a hopefully well-paid chauffeur drives.

Of all the ladies, Rockin’ Rozlyn looks phenomenal. So beyond the rest of the  pack. Way too good for Jake.

InStyle fashion director takes photos of all the ladies, which THRILLS them since they are mostly models and this is the real reason they signed on for the show: More exposure! Woo hoo!

Jake wants to see which girls have fun with it, let themselves go and get playful. Translation: The producers made some kind of deal.

Rozlyn and Gia are the most professional models. Rozlyn was a bit of a brat about it, actually. Gia is a swimsuit model.

Ashley has Miss America experience. The other girls — *cough*Christina*cough* — are getting especially bitchy about it, as if life depends on the photo shoot. As if Tyra Banks herself is standing by with only one photo in her hands.

Rozlyn with her "chacha" blacked out. Supposedly.

Rozlyn showed her full “chacha” in the shot, according to Hella Bitchy Christina, and the camera which blacked out her undergarments under her dress. I have a feeling she was wearing underwear and ABC is now just hell-bent to defame her.

Corrie had a nice shoot, too, but Christina had to diss her, too.  Christina was really uncomfortable so Jake tried to help her. She kept saying “I’m freaking out!” Jake was very sweet to her, probably more than she deserved. Then again, there was a camera on him, so he had motivation.

Christina kept going on and on about how much she wants a rose. I think she is going to sabotage Rozlyn.

ONE-ON-ONE TIME

Jake talks to Gia. She says she was never a popular girl.

Ashleigh comes out in her bikini and steals Jake away. Low blow. But Gia, as a swimsuit model, should’ve done this first.

Jake comes out in his bathing suit.  Long black trunks. Not that hot, really. They went for a swim in the pool, though. She straddled, him, basically.

But the other girls learned fast, so they jumped in the pool, too.

Christina tells the camera Rozlyn oozes sex appeal and she doesn’t so it’s intimidating. I find Christina’s wide crazy eyes intimidating.

WHAT’S IN THE BOX?

Back at the ranch, a box comes with info on a one-on-one date. There’s some kind of diamond necklace. No name, though, for which “lucky girl” gets it.

So Michelle — whew — is immediately freaking out. “Diamonds, diamonds, diamonds.” She wants it so much. We know how she can get. I’m tempted to let her have it, to keep her away from the kitchen knives.

BACK TO THE GROUP DATE

Why why why is the camera spending so much time with Christina, who never stops saying she’s “freaking out.” If I were Jake I would be uncomfortable with her weirdness.

Christina is sure having a lot of fun tonight,” Jake said.

OH! She’s drunk! I’m always the last one to see the signs. They all act drunk, so it’s hard to tell the difference. But if she’s in your face, I guess you can smell the liquor.

ROZLYN STEALS JAKE

Away from Christina. For which he was likely grateful.

Rozlyn said she felt like she had no time with Jake and was feeling like “a leper.” “What’s wrong with me, Jake?” she joked.

So bikini Roz and swimsuit Jake huddle under a blanket — standing up. She is so much more mature and poised and he seems shy. She wanted to know why she hadn’t gotten any alone time. She said he was going to get her.

What producer? Unless that producer is producing a soft-porn mix tape from this looooong kiss.

He said she was a pro at the shoot. She said he was the pro. “You got me warmed up.” On that note, she made out with him, soft-core style, which is not really Jake material. I’m sure he LOVED it, but he’s not right for her.

“I don’t know if I’ve ever dated a girl like RozlynRozlyn is really mysterious. She’s definitely out of my comfort zone. I’m really intrigued and I want to get to know her more.” (Psst: She is divorced with a kid!)

We hear this as Jake rushes back to the room to grab the rose. Make out with Jake, you get the rose. Tenley proved that on night one and Rozlyn scores one for the win. Well done.

Meanwhile, the other girls are “bummed” and have plenty of time to hate on Rozlyn.

And when I say “the other girls” I mean Christina, who is the new Michelle.

Rozlyn likes getting things done and the “feeling of accomplishment” now that she has the rose. Not a good attitude.

This is not the Olympics. Stop talking about being competitive.

Of course, they show the Rozlyn acceptance speech to the camera before she gets the rose, which is not likely how it played out. It’s just a way for ABC  to show her as worse than she probably is.

BACK AT THE RANCH

Envelope arrives with the name of the “lucky” girl. It’s Ali. “Come fly with me.”

Michelle looks like she’s gunning for blood.

Ali cries. She seems so genuinely happy. Go Massachusetts girl! (And when I say “go,” I am referring to the spoilers about how this show ends for her.)

Jake said he’s happy that it’s Ali, which reinforces my understanding that the producers actually choose these dates.

Jake took Ali for a motorcycle ride, which must not have been fun for him. Chris Harrison said he does not much like motorcycles.

He takes her to an airport and flies her somewhere. I hope she signed a detailed release before getting into a plane. Isn’t she the one who is afraid of flying? Why are they so sadistic?

And those little puddle jumpers are terrifying for newbies. Was that a Cessna? Or a Traumahawk? Where is the camera? Did they mount it on the dashboard? Was there a helicopter flying next to them.

DEAR GOD, NO! I just yesterday got “On the Wings of Love” out of my head, YOU MOTHERS! It’s back. And not even the instrumental version.

They get into this gorgeous red and white old-fashioned car. And drive to Palm Springs? Are they going to hang out with Mariah Carey and watch her get drunk?

They pull over in this green field. If the camera crew were not there I’d be thinking “serial killer.”

They go up to have dinner and there’s a rose on the table. That always freaks girls out. Don’t you watch the show? There’s always a rose on the one-on-ones.

Ali lists off all the “J” guys she’s dated in the past. You’re not a number, Jake, you’re a letter!

BACK AT THE RANCH

Elizabeth, Jessie, Kathryn, Ashley E. and Vienna

“Love has its ups and downs.”

Michelle takes the snub seriously. She is the nice girl “that everybody hates” (hmm…) and Jake showed that he does not want to get to know her. RUN, JAKE!

ONE-ON-ONE WITH ALI

Jake gives Ali a rose, then moves in for a kiss. It’s sweet and appears to be close lipped. Not Rozlyn make-out material at all.

He has another surprise for her. The band Chicago is going to play a private concert for them. Why? Chicago deserves better.

They could’ve at least played for Jillian’s “Bachelorette” finale, since Ed is from Chicago.

They are dancing and prom kissing to Chicago’s “You’re the Inspiration.” It was a nice “moment” for them.

MAGIC MOUNTAIN???

I hate these women! Magic Mountain — do you have any idea how long the lines can be at Six Flags Magic Mountain, which is in Valencia, Calif., and not near Palm Springs?

I hope they go on Deja Vu.

BACK AT THE RANCH

Michelle threatens to leave. She’s packing. Tenley, of all people, is trying to convince her to stay. Why are you fighting for her?

BACK AT MAGIC MOUNTAIN

Elizabeth is being “sneaky,” Vienna says. Vienna sees Eliz as her biggest competition.

Oh no.

She wrote some kind of poem/essay or whatever and she just whipped it out of her pocket. Every season there is one. It’s weird to read things from a card when you are staring at it and reading-so-fast-it’s-like-the-small-print-at-the-bottom-of-a-legal-letter.

He thinks it’s kind of sweet if Elizabeth doesn’t want him to kiss her until he chooses her at the end.

During cocktail hour, or whatever, Vienna has a secret for him. She was engaged to her pastor’s son in high school. They dated for four years. They got engaged her senior year. She broke it off. A month later, he got married and had a kid.

Vienna

She started choking up talking about it. It was hard losing this guy. She at 18 ran off and eloped with a guy that she didn’t even know.

Four months later they were divorced, but it really made her grow up.

(Isn’t this the spoiled daddy’s girl?)

***SPOILER ALERT***

So is Jake going to marry a teenage divorcee?

***END SPOILER ALERT***

Ashley the teacher steals Jake from Vienna during her vulnerable moment. I don’t care much for Vienna, but I hate Ashley’s harsh voice.

Jake did not kiss Ashley and she was ticked about it. Good for you, Jake.

Jake gives his rose to Elizabeth, which ticks off Vienna.

Jake said Elizabeth intrigued him. She asked him not to kiss her and he wants to show her he respects her values. Nice ploy, girl!

Vienna was upset. He believes Elizabeth can talk her way through anything.

Elizabeth admits to the camera she is playing hard to get.

They are having some alone time on a blanket outside. She said she wants to kiss him and he wants to kiss her. I think he picked her because he is terrified of all of these mature ladies and was grateful for the break. But it did seem like Elizabeth really wanted him to kiss her.

BACK ON THE RANCH

Rozlyn is feeling confident about staying because “I have a rose, beyatch!”

Vienna said she’s seen some things she does not agree with, but trusts that Jake will get to know the ladies and see the smooth talkers and the fakers, etc.

It was Ella’s birthday the day before. And you left her alone?

He brought out a little cupcake for her. And when I say “he” I mean whatever cook out there whipped it up or PA bought it from Ralph’s or wherever.

Tenley grabs one-on-one time with Jake. He thinks she’s had a successful dating history. … Does he not know about the ex-husband? Guess so.

Vienna thinks Michelle is crazy and “Debbie Downer” all day, until Jake shows up to talk to her.

Michelle tells Jake at some point during the day she packed her bags. Drama queeeeen!

He compliments her.

Kathryn comes over to borrow Jake. She is on Michelle’s hit list now. I love the “Jaws” like music that starts. Evil Witch of the West music.

She thinks there are women in the house who are deceitful and Jake will see that she is honest and he’ll love that.

She’s honestly nuts, anyway. What do these “ladies” expect from the other “ladies”? Quietly sitting and waiting their turn. HAS NO ONE SEEN THE FIRST 13 SEASONS?

THE ROZLYN INCIDENT

Chris Harrison came into the room and asked to see Rozlyn.

Chris: So, this is something we’ve never had to deal with in the history of the show. I am very sorry that we have to have this conversation. Very awkward. I’m guessing you have some idea why I pulled you aside. (Flash to Rozlyn looking blank but not shocked) Rozlyn, you entered into an inappropriate relationship with one of our staffers. (Flash to her) That staffer is no longer working with us.

Rozlyn: OK.

Chris: Because of what happened, we feel it’s now impossible to then now form a meaningful relationship with Jake. Out of respect for everybody here, the girls, Jake, yourself…”

Rozlyn: So you think that there’s no other girls here that felt for other people when they came on the show?

Chris: Not at all. ‘Cause it wasn’t a relationship you had back home. It wasn’t a boyfriend that you broke up with and then came on the show. To start anew. It’s something that just happened on our show. With someone who works on the show.

Rozlyn: I mean I don’t think that my personal life is really anybody’s business.

(They keep showing her stone-faced.)

Chris: This is something we take incredibly serious. For everyone on this show. We feel that there was a line that was crossed with our staffer.

Rozlyn: I’m not going to say anything. … That puts me in a bad position.

Chris: And again, I’m not sitting here in judgment of you. Nobody is. (Of COURSE they are.) I’m not saying it was wrong.

It’s something that happened and now it’s something unfortunately that has to be dealt with.

Rozlyn the great stone face

Rozlyn: OK. (Still stone-faced)

Chris: The bottomline is this: We feel because of what’s happened, it’s impossible for you to continue on this show.

Rozlyn nods.

He asks if that makes sense. “Cause that’s important, too.”

She nods and smiles a bit and says “I respect that.”

Chris: We feel that you need to leave tonight. I know you received a rose, so obviously you’re not packed. So go pack your stuff and then there’s a van waiting for you.

(To take you DOWN BY THE RIVER)

Rozlyn: I mean, I don’t think it was anything that was deceitful or anything like that. I think it just…

Chris: Happened…

Rozlyn: I guess so.

She had her arms crossed.

She went inside and said “I’m leaving.”

Kathryn said Rozlyn looked “incredibly frustrated and angry” and when she said she was leaving it sent shockwaves through the room.

So why didn’t she show any emotion talking to Chris? That stone-faced look is probably going to solidify her bad PR. Wonder how much editing went into it…

Rozlyn is shown packing. Chris steals Jake away from Christina.

Chris: All right, so, there’s something that’s happened that I feel is so serious that you need to know. And it has to do with Rozlyn. She…

Jake: Don’t tell me she’s gone.

Chris: She entered into an inappropriate relationship with one of our staffers.

Jake: You’re kidding me.

Chris: No, I’m not. The staffer’s no longer working with us and it’s something that we felt there was no other decision to make to be right by you, by the girls, by us, that she be sent home.

Jake: I don’t really know what to say. I’m just really disappointed.

Chris: Honestly this isn’t something I’m prepared for, we’re prepared for. We’re kind of dealing with this as you are being hit by this hammer.

Jake shakes his head.

Chris: I know you were dead serious about coming back here and finding your wife. You’ve said as much she’s in that room. So I know you’re dead serious about this.

Jake: Can I get my rose back?

Chris: Yeah. She doesn’t need to take room that one of these …  other fine women deserve. The other thing, the girls don’t know. So I’m going to tell them what’s going on.

Jake: I’d like to stand there with you when you tell the girls. I want them to know that … I am here for the right reason and I’m giving each and every girl my full attention and everything that I am and everything I can be to get to that one girl.”

Jake tells the camera he’s hurt and disappointed and he feels he’s been “taken for a fool” because he didn’t see this coming with her.

He feels he’s been deceived by someone who was not here for the right reasons.

If they really believe she found a relationship with someone, isn’t that the whole reason they are all there?

And I thought Jake said the whole Rozlyn thing came out through “the women.” It seems here like the women were all shocked. I’m so sick of the manipulative editing.

It’s clear we can’t trust what they show here and we’re only going to get more he said/she said from Rozlyn, Chris and Jake off camera. What about the producer? I want to hear from him!

Chris and Jake come back into the cocktail party room.

Chris tells them obviously there’s something going on tonight.

Rozlyn entered into an inappropriate relationship with one of our staffers.

(Cut to women, most looking shocked.)

Chris: But you should know that we are extremely serious concerning what this show is truly about.

(Ratings! Money!)

Chris: Certain lines cannot be crossed and unfortunately were. Obviously it’s something we’re embarrassed about, but we’ve handled it and he’s no longer working on the show. And because of what’s happened we’ve sent Rozlyn home. Obviously it was impossible for her to continue, out of respect for you and Jake, and why we’re all here.

Jake: I feel kind of deceived. I’m not mad about it, I’m just really really disappointed. She looked in my eyes and she told me she was here for me. And, I guess before we continue, if there’s anybody else here that is not sure, pull me aside right now and let’s talk about it. If anybody feels that I’m not the right one for them, it’s OK. You don’t have to wait for a rose ceremony, it’s fine. I’m sorry I’m gettin’…

Michelle: I’m sorry, too. I feel for you. Because I’m here to get to know you and I’m really sorry that that has happened.

(Is Crazy the only one who spoke up? I saw tears, but I’m not sure what the tears were about if no one else stood up for him.)

Jake and Chris walked away.

The girls seem shocked. Vienna tells the camera she cannot believe Rozlyn could be so deceitful.

They are all bashing Rozlyn now. Tenley said Jake does not deserve someone who loves themself more. This deception takes her back to her own ex-husband’s deceptions.

Now the girls are worried that Jake is going to put up a wall.

Whoa! What is this from Ashley about how Rozlyn talked to them about how wonderful Jake was but “three hours prior (was) getting it on with somebody else.”

Ella (I think it was Ella, I heard the accent) said she’s glad it came out now, before the rose ceremony.

Ali basically ended it with “f–k her.”

ROSE CEREMONY

Jake, as expected, is questioning the intent of all of the girls. He wonders if giving Rozlyn a rose was his only bad decision.

Elizabeth and Ali have roses.

There are 10 more to give out.

1. Vienna (foreshadowing?)

2. Gia

3. Tenley

4. Ella

5. Valishia (really? who IS this chick?)

6. Corrie

(At this point Michelle is doing her blow-out breathing thing)

7. Jessie

8. Ashleigh

9. Michelle (tell me this was the Rozlyn rose)

10. Kathryn

So he did not choose Crazy Eyes Christine or Ashley the teacher

But that’s it. Most of the girls got to stay.

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