By Gina Carbone
First things first: “Conveyor Belt of Love”? Loved it. LOVED it.
Lance, Betsy didn’t know what she had. Come back for round two. ABC, please let there be a round two. You sold me.
OK, down to “The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love,” which I’m pleased to say is just as awful as I hoped.
Thank God! Some heavy cheese for my cold winter nights.
ABC, thanks for focusing your attention on cooking up another quality batch of crazy chicks. True fans like me know the ladies are the really important casting job, not finding the one guy they manipulate for weeks on end.
My chief complaint is the length – if you’re going to spend two hours on this nonsense, please find a way to cut out Jake Pavelka’s musings about how he’s putting it all on the line, he doesn’t know how he got here, he had no idea this would be so tough, gosh, golly, gee, heck, wow.
And PLEASE punish the “ladies” for any further pilot jokes. No more “I want to be your co-pilot” references.
That means Crazy Ass Michelle needs to come up with another overly earnest catchphrase.
Seriously. If we ever needed proof that Jake is a little (whistle whistle, twist finger next to temple) we have Michelle. Why, Jake, do you like this bunny boiler? When Jake calls someone “so sincere — almost over sincere” you know it’s time to grab the barf bag and breathe deeply.
Thanks, Jillian and Ed, for stopping by long enough for Jake to blow off all of your (good) advice. Sorry about that. I was really hoping you were just showing up to talk about the wedding. Ha ha. My naive heart goes on.
Jake, good call on giving the first impression rose to tiny dancer Tenley, who had the gumption to kiss you then promptly gave herself the 19th century ladylike vapors about it. This is exactly the kind of sweet, uncomplicated thing Jake needs in his life.
Please, Jake, in addition to Michelle, find it in your heart to dump Vienna, Rozlyn and Christina.
Please, Jake, kick yourself for dumping motorcycle chick Alexa and awesome Elizabeth from Nebraska.
I always do a first night prediction (I am never correct) and this time I see Tenley (easy choice) as the winner, with Ashleigh (fake tripper who looks like Connie Britton from “Friday Night Lights”), Ella (single mom), Corrie (Kissimmee) and maybe Elizabeth (hot spiritual nanny) as finalists.
We all know someone in the house supposedly had a sexual affair with one of the male producers and the whole situation was an embarrassment to host Chris Harrison and ABC. Next week we should see the fallout of that.
So who is the cheater?
According to RealitySteve.com — who had the scoop on Jason dumping Melissa for Molly all those moons ago — no one.
He’s going to spill everything tomorrow, but he did tease us with this:
“I will tell you now, Rozlyn is the girl that is kicked off the show next week for what Chris Harrison will deem as ‘inappropriate behavior in the context of the show’. Which is a perfect description since he technically never mentions a sexual affair. Why? Because there never was one.”
So here are Jake’s 15, ranked in order of my preference:
STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS RECAP OF THE SHOW
Jake wants the fairy tale happily ever after thing.
He rides a motorcycle to the L.A. home. According to Chris Harrison, Jake is not so much into the bikes.
Uh oh. The instrumental version of “On the Wings of Love” is picking up steam as Jake prattles on about how one of the 25 girls is going to be exactly what he’s looking for. “I’m going to walk out with a fiancee. I can just feel it.”
Chris Harrison tells us “women across America fell in love with (Jake) and demanded that he be the next ‘Bachelor.'”
Which completely disregards the women who did not write in and did not want Jake as “The Bachelor.” (Love you, Reid!)
But Chris quickly segues into the important bit: Meeting the women!
MONTAGE OF THE LADIES
Ali — 25 — Williamstown, Mass. — She’s lost boyfriends to video games and her most recent man cheated on her with her roommate. Ouch. Pretty blonde with brown eyes.
Alexa — 25 — Galloway, Ohio — Gives an orgasm sound about strapping on her motorcycle. Another pretty blonde. Blue eyes, I think.
Tenley — 25 — Newburg, Ore. — Cutesy type. Tiny dancer. She grew up in Oregon and moved to Cali. to pursue dancing. She’s played Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella and Ariel and spent 9 months in Tokyo as Ariel. The camera stays with her on the beach and in her apartment (or something) as she talked about how she’s divorced. Why is the camera feeling her up? She and her hubby were virgins when they wed but apparently he got busy while they were married.
Elizabeth — 29 — Washington, D.C. — Captain in Air National Guard. She is tough and smart and cool. Brunette. Waaaayyyyy too good for Jake. She is perfect for him on paper but will never last. All of her loves have been pilots and she’s a sucker for a guy with blonde hair and blue eyes. I feel like this will not work.
Rozlyn — 28 — Richmond, Va. — This chick on the other hand, will probably go the distance. Just shallow and narcissistic enough to keep Jake’s childish attention. She’s been a model “forever,” which means about 10 years. She says females can be “catty.” Anytime you’re a pretty girl there’s always competition, she says. Pilots are up there with firemen. Ugh. Blonde skank.
Christina — 25 — San Diego — She’s a guy’s girl. “I’m a little bitchy.” She’s practicing small talk with “females” (tip: go with “women” or “ladies” if you want to pass as a fellow human being.) She’s going to compliment the other girls “up the wazoo.” Another blonde. Generic.
Vienna — 23 — Sanford, Fla. — Another generic blonde, but I love the honesty. “I love myself. I do. I’m a huge daddy’s girl. I’m his only daughter. He spoils me rotten. He’s bought me, like, five cars.” And she’s a horrible driver. We see her on a boat with one of those little yippy Paris Hilton dogs. Named Chloe. She reminds me of Erica Rose with her tiaras. Next, please.
Ashley — 29 — Pittsburgh, Pa. — A brunette! Teacher. Her mom shops for her and sends her stuff every day. Frilly, skimpy stuff. Curb that action, girl.
Elizabeth — 29 – Imperial, Neb. — Brunette nanny with light eyes. I think she’s a faux brunette. Lots of sexy music with shots of her in a bikini on the beach. She’s really working that rack. I think she’s the one having an affair. I’m basing that on nothing.
Ella — 29 — Lafollette, Tenn. — Single mom. Nice Southern accent. Like her. She believes a life with Jake is meant to be. Uh oh. Now the music is getting serious. She is in the boxing ring threatening to knock girls out.
Gia — 25 — New York — Swimsuit model. She’s gorgeous but she’s only had three boyfriends. She wants this to be the first time in “Bachelor” history that he tells the other 24 women to leave because it’s love at first sight.
Kimberly — 31 — Norman, Okla. — NBA dancer? Short hair.
Emily — 23 — West Chester, Ohio — Fit model. High voice, sounds about 10. Brunette.
Tiana — 31 — Vancouver — Generic blonde. I feel like I’ve already seen her twice tonight so far. Who can tell?
Caitlyn — 24 — spokesmodel — She thinks her pageant experience will help her. Another generic brunette.
Kirsten — 25 — Aurora, Colo. — “I will definitely cut a bitch, if somebody pisses me off.” She’s a waitress. I believe her. Blonde.
Michelle — 25 — Anaheim, Calif. — “I’m 25. I’m ready to be a wife.” That’s all we need to know, I guess.
That’s not 25. And the last ones were in a quick rush. The camera is definitely showing favoritism already.
Jake is still babbling about letting his heart lead, etc.
He and Chris talk about how Jake’s parents still hold hands at the grocery store and make people sick. How do they push a cart and grab items when their hands are busy?
Jake has had “a lot of first dates.”
He believes “the process works.” He believes Jillian and Ed will get married (don’t hold your breath) and Jason and Molly will be married (so “the process” includes people you dump first on air).
First out of the limo: Rozlyn, one of the models. Usually the first out of the limo lasts a while. Oh no. She makes a “fasten your seat belts … it’s going to be a bumpy ride” joke. STOP with the plane references.
Emily the fit model in green. He loves her eyes. If anyone else was picked as The Bachelor she would not want to be there, which “really really” means a lot to Jake.
Ali — video game girl — lost her voice today so she brought a peacock feather to attract a mate. Odd.
Jessie — “Do you have a registry for these guns?” Ugh.
Tenley! She has that cutesy little girl voice. She’s another Trista. She said it was incredibly admirable for him to check his pride at the door and do what he thought was right (referring to Wes Hayden, I take it.) She found that attractive.
Inside the house she’s telling girls she’s in love with him already.
Next limo — first out is Ella with her accent. She did some stupid tie gag to make him laugh. “How does it feel to be talking to the woman you’re going to marry?” He said “surreal.”
Kathryn — in some purple poofy thing. She’s a corporate flight attendant. Cute and bubbly.
Caitlyn — Don’t like her. She makes some line about how he looks good in a suit but she can’t wait to see him in a uniform.
Elizabeth — the military girl. She asks if he likes Jake or Jacob. He said either, but Jake. She does a double-sided coin trick to force him to keep her. Heads she stays. He said that’s cheating.
Alexa — orgasm motorcycle girl — She wears black gloves and barely gives him a second to notice her before saying he must be curious about the gloves. She said he has to allow her to fly his plane and then she’ll allow him to ride her Harley. Did she say “All right, babe”?
Vienna — UGH! First things first, she feels his abs. She tells him she’s been pacing her hotel room waiting to meet him.
Corrie — From Kissimmee, Fla. She asks him about the town and he pauses, thinking she said “kissing me.” Terrifies him.
Kimberly — He’s from Texas, she’s from Okla. She wants them to put their college differences aside. Short hair.
Valishia — She just came back from a family reunion in Texas. She gives him soil from Texas to signify their common ground.
Gia — Remember when Angelina Jolie played “Gia”? She has that sex kitten thing going on.
Last limo — Elizabeth the nanny — She has him close his eyes and take a breath and picture his favorite place. He said right here right now. She said hers is snowboarding. Wrong! She should’ve said right there with him.
Channy — Cambodian girl says something he can’t translate. She’s cute.
Ashley — Teacher girl. She brought a Jake and Ashley spinner.
Tiana — She opens by telling him she watched him all last season and she told her girlfriends when he first got out of the limo that he was her future husband. Stalker!
Christina — the “bitchy” one — brought jelly beans as parting girls because “I’m going to win.” Wrong! It’s not a “win” situation. This is not “Survivor.” You should at least pretend the objective is love. So much for complimenting the other girls up the wazoo.
Ashleigh — Really high cut dress, she trips into Jake’s arms. “Trips” that is. She has a Connie Britton thing going on. Jake loves the dress. Perv.
Kirsten — Insults Jillian and says she wanted to slap her for letting Jake go. Jake thanked her. She said one of her best friends had something for him but he has to find her inside to get it. I hate when they do that.
Stephanie — Dance teacher. I don’t really like her. But she wants the first dance.
Sheila — She’s also a pilot. Wears sunglasses. She wants to give him a pair of aviators since they are a pair of aviators. He just wants to know how he looks in the glasses. I don’t think her ploy of showing off her eyes worked.
Michelle — Crazy chick does airplane wings to fly over to him. She’s scary intense. Bunny boiler. She wants to be his copilot. He asked her if she’s flown and she has some awkward pause where she tries to come up with another cheesy line … this time about being his passenger. I actually feel sorry for Jake for Michelle being his last girl out of the limos.
THE REST OF THE NIGHT
Sick girl Ali tripped and ripped her dress but Jake liked her.
Jake tells Corrie (Kissimmee) his top values are God, family and friends.
Channy thinks Jake is super cute but he needs Cambodian fever. She repeats her phrase which meant “Jake, you can land your palne on my landing strip any time.” She thinks he likes it because he laughs. (What about a Brazilian wax?)
Christina says “there are some girls who have their tatas out to play.” She’s jealous of the boobs.
Ella is a little too aggressive. She steals Jake away so she can tell him about the love of his life. She said her son wants to be a pilot. She gave him Ethan’s toy plane?
Oh no. Ashley puts on a slutty stewardess outfit. The other girls say they didn’t get the memo. Ashley already got his attention with the picker, one girl gripes, and now this. “I thought of nothing.”
Elizabeth the nanny came out with a football. She dragged him away from Ashley and started a game. She’s got a good arm. The camera doesn’t show much of Jake’s activity. Chris Harrison said he throws like a girl.
Blondes vs. brunettes football game. Blech. Brunettes killed it, though.
Chris Harrison comes out with the first impression rose.
Bunny boiler Michelle says it will kill her if she doesn’t get the rose. At this point in her life she deserves Jake, she says.
Rozlyn said she wants to find someone but she’s not desperate for it. (Unlike Michelle.)
Why is Jake talking to Vienna? She said she’s energetic and never stops. He loves that. Dear God, do not pick this chick. She’s Erica Rose and Shayne Lamas.
Kathryn the flight attendant has a pretend fiance. She wears a wedding ring on her left hand. Weird.
Dance girl Stephanie steals her dance.
Alexa says “some people are cra-zy” after Michelle took Jake away.
Even Vienna is questioning Michelle for having a mental breakdown after only an hour.
Michelle launches her “co-pilot” spiel again. I think Jake may have to keep her on suicide watch. She’s very emotional.
JAKE GETS SOME HELP
Jillian Harris and her man, Ed, return to offer — ha ha ha ha ha — love advice.
Do they really know Jake very well?
Jillian and Ed are going to grill the girls to help him make some decisions.
Don’t let Ed out of your sight, Jill.
They ask one girl if she likes to dance. They give extra stars to the pilot girl. They seem to get tired of hearing how happy everyone is Jillian dumped Jake.
Rozlyn is laying it on thick. Jessie doesn’t like her. Jake said Rozlyn is sexy but he’s not just there for sex appeal.
Ed and Jillian ask about sex before marriage. Elizabeth the cool one is not a prude but she’s comfortable with boundaries. Ed shares too much.
Ed asks Alexa about marriage, kids and dogs. Ed and Jillian are trying for a puppy. “She’s off the pill, so we’ll see.” (!)
What kind of animal would you be in the bedroom? That’s Jill’s question? Puma. Poor girl.
Christina — can’t stand her — has Jake lay on the ground and she flies on his feet, playing airplane. Like “Grosse Point Blank.”
Flight attendant girl said her dealbreaker is someone who is not a gentleman.
Elizabeth the nanny said she is very spiritual. So maybe she isn’t the one getting in trouble with someone in the house.
Michelle is going on again about her one-on-one time — to Jillian and Ed.
Tenley grabs Jake for one-on-one time. She gives Jake a list of 10 things about Tenley. She’s a woman with values, she’s a cuddlebug, she’s passionate, etc. The 10th thing is that she thinks she’s a pretty good kisser, but she wants to test the theory — unless that’s too forward. So she kisses him. Then she gets upset at herself for kissing him. But that was No. 10 on your list. Don’t act like you didn’t plan it. Lord, now she’s tearing up over it. Why did you make a list if you are going to get upset with yourself for kissing him?
Jake sits with Ed and Jillian. Ed really liked Elizabeth the gorgeous nanny. Jillian really liked Ella the single mother. They like Sheila the pilot. They also like Kathryn the flight attendant. In terms of sending someone home, they singled out Michelle from Orange County. She’s emotional, Jillian said, and Ed added that he didn’t get a good vibe from her.
Which Jake proceeds to ignore!
He gives the first impression rose to Tenley for smooching on him and crying about it. She wants him to pursue her now. Very old-fashioned, this girl, which Jake probably loves.
Jake has to dump 10 of these chicks. Which means he has to keep 15, poor lad.
1. Tenley — first impression rose
2. Ella (single mom — yay! I do like her.)
3. Elizabeth from Nebraska (hot nanny)
4. Ali (sick girl)
5. Vienna (the first massively bad call — was this is a producers’ call?)
6. Christina (the second massively bad call — the “bitchy” girl who played airplane with him on the floor)
7. Gia (I like her)
8. Ashley (the one who dressed as a slutty stewardess. Jake thinks she’s the most positive person he’s ever met)
9. Rozlyn (what happened to sexy is not enough? Liar)
10. Jessie (Who? Oh, the best football player. Eh.)
11. Corrie (I think she’ll go far)
12. Valishia (Really?)
13. Ashleigh (the girl who fell; she so looks like Connie Britton)
14. Kathryn (flight attendant in purple poof with fake wedding ring)
15. Michelle (Ha ha ha!)
Which means Jake dumped Alexa the motorcycle girl, Tiana the Vancouver girl, fit model Emily with the pretty eyes, Kimberly the NBA dancer, and the awesome military Elizabeth who was 100 times too good for him anyway. And some other people.