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This is not the scoop of crispy you're looking for.

“The crispy.”

I love it. From now on, everything I want but can’t get in life will be referred to as “the crispy.”

On “Survivor: Redemption Island” episode 7, “It Don’t Take A Smart One,” God + Matt Elrod gave shrill chatterbox Stephanie Valencia the permanent boot. Now God + Matt will take on weak Sarita White.

What do you think, six for six for God + Matt? Will he get to go back in the game?

Sarita vs. Matt. Is there any doubt at all?

I really don’t care what Zapatera does and at this point it seems like the editors don’t care either.

The Zaps lost the rainy, muddy, disgusting reward and immunity challenge and had to go to Tribal Council, but who cares? Without Russell Hantz and his beyotches, not even Ralph Kiser can make them interesting.

And David Murphy is not as smart as he thinks, since he put himself in the position of backing two annoying girls who were clearly going to leave early. How was that a strong strategy? He should take his own advice to Sarita and “Don’t get too confident.”

It doesn’t sound like he has an alliance going into next week … but, then again, next week is the merge so he can sell himself as a free agent. OK, the jury is still out on David. The rest of the tribe didn’t know the merge was coming. If they did, they probably would’ve kept loyal Sarita. I think they should’ve kept her either way. Loyalty trumps strength. Foa Foa foursome.

By the way, that was a good challenge for once. It’s still not on par with the water challenges of the old days, but it was a refreshingly demanding challenge.

And you know who rocked it? My boy Grant Mattos. He’s the challenge king. And he gets hotter by the day. And he’s smart to let the leadership role of the tribe fall to Boston Rob while the annoying person role clearly goes to Phillip Sheppard. More on Phillip in just a second.

For the reward, Ometepe got to fly to an active volcano, which was very “Bachelorette” Season 6 of them. (Poor Matt deserves to go on stuff like this.) While everyone was stuffing their faces, Rob dipped his hand into the jar of those cylindrical cookies and found another idol clue. (I would’ve accidentally eaten it.) I was just wondering how many freaking idols are on the island when he threw the thing (litter bug!) into the volcano because he already found the idol. How does he know there’s only one?

Hot and not. Although, this is not the best shot of Grant.

But the really interesting dynamic on Ometepe is not Rob’s constant Robfather domination, the uselessness of the pageant twins or even the hotness of Grant. It’s Phillip.

Phillip was not allowed to have any of the popular crispy brown rice because it’s Boston Rob’s favorite. Phillip took extreme offense to this, ranting at the two useless girls plus cool Andrea and hot Grant that they all got scoops of crispy rice, so he should too.

He’s a 52-year-old man and the senior member of the tribe. (Does that come with special benefits and a pay raise?) But they shouldn’t make a mountain out of a mole hill about it. Because that’s his job!

Phillip and his chaperone, Rob, observed the Redemption Island challenge and Phillip called Matt a true samurai warrior, which cuts dangerously close to Coach 1.0 territory. Can they go on “The Amazing Race” together?

By the way, Jeff Probst said there’d be alcohol on the reward. Did Phillip imbibe? The possibility of a drunk Phillip just opens so many doors.

Phillip said the girls are sharing Rob’s underwear. (Does Amber know/care?) Phillip is done with Rob. He wants Rob out. Rob knows this and he must know a merge is coming. (And it looks like it’s coming next week!) Should Ometepe have thrown a challenge to get rid of Phillip? I know some people think Zapatera throwing their own challenge was a bad idea, but they had to get rid of Krista and Stephanie before they switched sides, so I thought it was smart.

Right now I’m on Team Matt. And Team Grant, with a side order of Team Andrea. And, hell, Team Phillip. He’s amusing. And he feels left out. If Ometepe just included him, they wouldn’t have this problem.

Catch up on my “Survivor” stories in this archive.

These people are playing the game:

Ometepe Tribe

* Grant Mattos, 29, West Hollywood; former NFLer, yoga instructor
* Phillip Sheppard, 52, Santa Monica; technology executive
* Natalie Tenerelli, 19, Acton, Calif.; professional dancer
* Ashley Underwood, 25, Benton, Maine; nurse
* Andrea Boehlke, 21, Random Lake, Wis.; student
* “Boston Rob” Rob Mariano
* Francesca Hogi, 36, Washington D.C.; attorney— 1st sent to Redemption Island
* Matt Elrod, 22, Nashville; pre-med student — 2nd sent to Redemption Island
* Kristina Kell, 46, Malibu; law student — 4th sent to Redemption Island

Zapatera Tribe

* Mike Chiesl, 31, Del Mar, Calif.; former Marine
* Ralph Kiser, 44, Lebanon, Va.; farmer
* David Murphy, 31, West Hollywood; defense attorney
* Julie Wolfe, 50, Oceanside, Calif.; firefighter
* Steve Wright, 51, Huntington Beach, Calif.; former NFL player
* Russell Hantz — 3rd sent to Redemption Island
* Krista Klumpp, 25, Columbia, S.C.; pharmaceutical rep. — 5th sent to Redemption Island
* Stephanie Valencia, 25, Long Beach, Calif.; waitress — 6th sent to Redemption Island
* Sarita White, 36, Santa Monica; visual effects producer — 7th sent to Redemption Island, aka “Matt’s Island”

Ding dong the witch is dead! Which old witch? The Dionne witch!

Dionne Warwick to NeNe Leakes: “You’re a coward, baby.”

Oh the big, bright smile she gave when saying that. It chills me. The woman is diabolical.

God I hate passive-aggression. I can’t say I’ll miss Miss Dionne. In fact, hell with her.

And now we know his, uh, package is called "Big Wednesday." Sigh.

I love how whenever someone on “Celebrity Apprentice” wants to build up to an insult, they feel compelled to start with “Gary Busey is an incredibly talented actor…” or “I have a lot of respect for Dionne Warwick…”

BUT

He’s also crazy. Unfocused. Unstable. In his own world. Frazzled. All over the place.

She’s lazy. She walked out. She’s rude. She can’t keep up. She STILL can’t look at Marlee Matlin when talking to her.

And now Dionne is gone. She pulled a half-Niki Taylor, offering herself to be fired, but only after everyone else (including Ivanka Trump, bless her) went after her for walking out during the challenge. Then she took it back, saying she wanted to stay. But it was too late. Mr. Trump doesn’t like to be tested. No game-playing, please.

Ivanka asked Dionne if leaving early was an issue of stamina or indifference. Dionne seems oblivious to the fact that the same rules apply to everyone, including her. As project manager, NeNe Leakes should’ve told Dionne to stay. But these ladies are too passive-aggressive. And now they’ve lost three challenges in a row.

The men on the other hand, are enjoying a love fest — literally, if Richard Hatch and Jose Canseco have a few drinks and get some alone time in a dark room.

I like a risk-taker. And a good leader.

On “Off the Hook,” the teams had to create a 30-second commercial for ACN’s new video phone. The men won with a hilarious and very “risque” (the buzz word of the night) commercial featuring Jose Canseco as another guy’s fiance. It was a close vote, since the women’s commercial featuring Marlee signing had the heart-tugging feel-good factor.

NeNe volunteered to be project manager for A.S.A.P., which was smart timing since at that point the women finally realized they should at least attempt to work together instead of pulling Lisa Rinna sabotages over and over again. Plus, Niki Taylor out c-l-a-s-s-e-d them by volunteering herself to be fired (and who can blame her for wanting to walk out on them), exposing the others as catty hussies.

Speaking of hussies, Dionne put herself in the center of the commercial and everyone agreed that it was a good idea. But then the ACN guys showed up and said “emotion” 100 times and the women realized they had to do something else. Because Dionne is not really in touch with any positive emotions.

Marlee volunteered an option about a 16-year-old girl calling her family. They included an element about hearing impairment which — let’s be honest — Marlee brings up every week. Yes, she’s deaf but there’s a lot more to her than that. She needs to come up with new ideas.

After many expletives, Lil Jon agreed to be the project manager for Backbone. Jose wanted to do a commercial about contacting aliens and I’m shocked that Gary didn’t jump all over it as a great and c-l-a-s-s-y idea. Instead, Jon went for a big gay gamble … that still put Gary and Jose in the forefront.

I'd cry, too, if I had to work with Dionne.

Dionne actually said something positive about NeNe, which is just odd — considering it’s Dionne. And NeNe. Although NeNe calling her “Miss Dionne” probably squeaked those wheels. Meanwhile, La Toya Jackson suddenly went blind (which explains her Curious George outfit) and Hope Dworaczyk (WHO?) said her only skill is finding props.

Hope and Dionne went to get props and La Toya was in charge of keeping time. When they were all gone, NeNe mentioned to Marlee and Star Jones that they were the only competent people. So it’s now three against three … with the other three not really aware that they are currently on the outs.

For Backbone’s commercial, Jose played an older gay guy trying to look young. This follows Jose’s cross-dressing teacher from a couple of eps ago. Could this be his calling? Turns out, Richard Hatch thinks Jose is hot. So that fight they had on the premiere could probably be considered foreplay. (When is Hatch going to go naked like he does on “Survivor”?) My boy Mark McGrath got them a purple couch which he tried to pass off as a pink grandma couch. Sorry. My grandmothers both have more c-l-a-s-s than that.

During A.S.A.P.’s commercial production design, Dionne got testy (what are the odds?) with Marlee, which means she got testy with Marlee’s amazing interpreter because she STILL WON’T LOOK AT MARLEE when Marlee is trying to communicate with her.

At some point after that, “matriarch” Dionne took a nap. Consider it a blessing. (Did Joan Rivers nap on her way to the “Celebrity Apprentice” win two seasons ago? I feel like Annie Duke would never have let her.)

He's a good gay man.

It was good timing that she left right when Trump’s slick-haired son showed up. People have talked about Dionne in passing in the boardroom, but this is proof of her lack of contribution. Unfortunately, this just cast harsh light on NeNe as the leader. Can someone please blame Dionne for Dionne’s actions? La Toya was accused of not being able to keep time, but at least she stayed awake.

The Backbone commercial with Jose and his gay fiance and Gary in his (revealing) bath robe had the surprise and humor factor. (Hey, shock is an emotion.) The A.S.A.P. commercial was more sweet and heartfelt, with Marlee signing “I love you” to her screen daughter.

The teams had to make presentations in front of a group of ACN people that cheered for Donald Trump like a Roman gladiator when he walked into the room. NeNe was awkward in her intro, but Star was smooth … and smug. She wrote with applause points in mind and they worked.

When the men get on stage, Lil Jon shouted at them to get them fired up. I would’ve liked a nice “WHAT????” in honor of Dave Chappelle, but I’ll take what I can get. Their commercial was a huge gamble because it wasn’t middle-of-the-road stuff. It could offend a large group of customers. But it was definitely memorable.

The men’s strong point was bringing in the audience. They liked how Lil Jon included the word “viral.”  The women took the company’s task to heart. It was a close vote.

Hatch called Lil Jon the best leader. He gushed over him. It’s nice to hear some positive stuff for a change. Trump brought up the word “risque” over and over again. Lil Jon made an argument for trying something different. The company’s slogan is “no boundaries.” He put it all on black and took his own chance.

NeNe started crying when the men talked about their harmony and how they all got along. There were no weak links. Dionne said NeNe was superb. NeNe brought up how many of the women were in abusive relationships. It ties to her charity. Even Marlee said NeNe “rocks.” They are each other’s girls. Which NeNe is this? Can we get the “Real Housewives of Atlanta” in the house to give the other side? Kim?

It finally came out that Dionne left early. NeNe said she is not a babysitter. Star threw La Toya and Hope under the bus. NeNe said her son could keep the time. She rolled her eyes over La Toya. Mr. Trump loves La Toya and likes how she’s stepped up.

Trump loves La Toya and Gary. They can coast.

Once again, the women fell apart whereas the men got along.

It turns out, the men won. Which was the right call. Congrats to Lil Jon.

It was the third loss in a row for the women. Star told Mr. Trump she’s never seen a group of women pull together like this. Wow. Who is she hanging out with? All of the women I’ve met have gotten along better than this group.

Dionne — ha! ha! — tries to blame the challenge criteria. Nice try. La Toya can’t choose a weakest link. Star says Hope and La Toya have been more followers than leaders. What about Dionne? Trump asked Marlee point blank “Who doesn’t contribute?” Marlee said La Toya.

WHAT ABOUT DIONNE?

Trump asked NeNe, who can the team do without? She said Dionne. Thank heaven someone called it. She said the girls are afraid of Dionne. It’s a level of respect, Star says. But when Dionne offers herself to be fired, Star basically says she’s quitting on her charity. Star wants to have it both ways.

Trump asked Hope (WHO?) which lady he should fire. (Hope may coast to the end just because no one notices she’s there.) Hope said Dionne. That’s when Dionne held her own pity party, saying to fire her. She had to be pulled back by Trump. But it was too late.

Next week, Meat Loaf bakes Gary Busey. He goes nuts. I can’t wait to see it. I think this is my new favorite show. Don’t tell anyone.

Here’s the cast, in order of my preference:

* Mark McGrath
* John Rich
* Lil Jon
* Marlee Malin
* Meat Loaf
* Richard Hatch
* NeNe Leakes
* Jose Canseco
* Gary Busey
* La Toya Jackson
* Hope Dworaczyk (Who?)
* Star Jones
* David Cassidy — ELIMINATED 1ST
* Lisa Rinna — ELIMINATED 2ND
* Niki Taylor — ELIMINATED 3RD
* Dionne Warwick — ELIMINATED 4TH

***

Read my “Celebrity Apprentice” recaps here.

Smells like teen suckage. He really is just Soul Patrol Part II, anyway. Am I alone on that? Can you really picture his voice on the radio, any more than Taylor Hicks?

I’m not even slightly surprised that Casey Abrams was on the bottom. It’s Megan’s fault. Megan, if you recall, is the “friend” in the audience that Casey pointed out on Wednesday’s “American Idol” season 10 top 11 performance show.

Ever since Jennifer Lopez dubbed Casey “sexy,” girls have screamed for him.  They don’t want to think that the cuddly teddy bear is already taken. That takes a shine off fast. It’s like Andrea looking at Matt in a whole new light after he bonded with fellow prayer warrior Krista on “Survivor: Redemption Island”. (See recap below)

Other reasons he was at the bottom: He performed first and sometimes the early singers are forgotten by the end of the night. Also, after he performed he was grossly overpraised. Casual fans probably figured he was safe and they didn’t need to vote for him. People who don’t have clear favorites (like me) probably weren’t so impressed by that performance that they would jump to the phone/web.

I think Casey is cute and funny, but the growl got old for me last week. I like the talent this season, but I don’t have a strong favorite anymore. I’m voting performance-by-performance. Last night I voted for Jacob and Pia. It was the first (and possibly the only) time I voted for Jacob but I’ve voted for Pia several times. I like her.

Anyway, the judges saved Casey. Which means we still have a top 11. And all 11 will go on tour. What a Disney special. Two people go home next week. Such melodrama.

Interesting week. I have a lot of catching up to do, so I’m combing my “American Idol,” “Survivor” and “Top Model” recaps.

***

American Idol Season 10 (stream of consciousness asides)

Is it just me, or was the Marc Anthony opening extremely awkward? Did the “American Idol” top 11 want a thing to do with him? Was he just bored? That whole relationship is weird. Jennifer Lopez and Marc, I mean. But J.Lo and Steven Tyler is coming off as weird to me, too. Steven seems to turn his back to her sometimes and Jennifer openly leans into Randy Jackson. It’s like two against one.

By the way, happy birthday, Steven! He really is the most adorable thing to happen to this show since the Davids of Season 7.

Unnecessary side note: I still have my old, pink “About Me” diary from when I was in grade school where I wrote “Hulk Hogan” as the strongest person I knew. I didn’t quite get that it was supposed to be someone I knew in person.

Is Ryan Seacrest a slightly good actor or did Hulk actually hit him a little bit there? Did those people know they were going to get Julianne Hough-close to Ryan when he crashed into their row?

Stevie Wonder rocks. And I noticed Jennifer had her arm around Steven when Stevie sang for the b-day boy. Is she jealous of his attention? I’ve heard that, but who knows.

Catch up on my “American Idol” stories here.

They deserve the pink undies as punishment for being lazy. (CBS pic)

Survivor: Redemption Island

Who was it that ripped Grant Mattos’s shirt off during the immunity challenge on “Their Red-headed Step Child”? Was that David Murphy or Mike Chiesl? Whoever it was, THANK YOU.

I’ve been praying to the Survivor gods for more shots of hot Grant. And, as we know now, God has a vested interest in the outcome of the show. He’s Team Matt Elrod and Team Ometepe. Matt now has a pink Bible, courtesy of The Other Blonde, Krista Klumpp, but no girl wants to see her crush bonding with another (similar) woman, so Matt may have lost the very important support of Andrea Boehlke — aka the only girl on Ometepe who is not completely useless. (I miss you, Kristina Kell.) Matt has turned out to be more Brett Clouser than Jud “Fabio” Birza and it looks like Krista was briefly Matt’s Natalie White.

Anyway, I’m disappointed in my boy David. He was my pre-season pick to be named fan favorite. But what was that nonsense about defending Stephanie Valencia over Sarita White? Even if he didn’t know Sarita had the support of her loyal allies, didn’t he hear shrill Stephanie’s pro-Russell Hantz screeches earlier in the season? Doesn’t he know that it’s better to enter a merge with fewer numbers as long as they stick together, rather than a large group with some people ready to be bought by the other side? How do you think Russell got to the end on “Samoa”? That Foa Foa Foursome was far from a majority.

I hate to support Boston Rob any more than he’s already been supported, but right now — other than Matt — he’s the only player really making a mark. He even pulled a fast one on my new faux boyfriend (I don’t care that he’s married) Grant, switching out the idol clues last week. Rob is also right when it comes to letting Natalie Tenerelli and Ashley Underwood dig their own finale graves.

However, how pissed is Rob going to be if/when Rob gets booted before the two useless girls? That was Phillip Sheppard’s point and —  I hope these words never pass through my keyboard again — he’s right. I’m growing fond of our resident Coach 2.0. Is it inevitable that Phillip and Coach 1.0 will be brought back together and put on the same tribe?

At this point, I’m in the market for someone to support. I guess it’s Matt for now, but I might be Team Andrea, just to support a girl who feels illogically hurt and betrayed by a guy. Who hasn’t been there?

Catch up on my “Survivor” recaps and spoilers (such as they are) here in this archive.

I am currently Team Brittani, but ask me again next week. From left: Hannah, Molly, Dalya, Jaclyn, Brittani, Alexandria, Monique, Kasia and Mikaela (CW pic)

America’s Next Top Model Cycle 16

Am I nuts or is Alexandria Everett not really THAT annoying?

Maybe I’ve just been watching too much “Survivor” and “Project Runway.” And I haven’t really been watching enough ANTM this cycle to really weigh in, but at this point Alexandria just seems like one of those girls who sounds more abrasive than she means to. She’s my Sharon Stone out there.

But I think I’ve switched allegiances from the machete cheekbones of Mikaela Schipani to the cute bob of Brittani Kline. I also like Monique Weingart and I wonder who she reminds me of. Someone. And as sweet as she may be, I CAN’T STAND Jaclyn Poole’s voice. I can’t get past it. I think Kasia Pilewicz is already overrated. And Hannah Jones. Hannah is not making a dent at all for me.

The just-eliminated Dalya Morrow said it’s going to come down to bad-weave Molly and Brittani in the end. Agree?

Catch up on my ANTM stories in this archive.

Just picture little Disney birds flying sweetly around their heads. (And maybe taking a dump every now and then.)

The premiere hasn’t even started yet. It’s about 7 hours away. But I’ve seen the “Dancing with the Stars” Season 12 contestants’ first rehearsal videos and — based on that — this is my pre-season ranking:

1. Chelsea Kane & Mark Ballas: She’s young, she’s cute, she’s a Disney star, she has Mark Ballas

2. Kendra Wilkinson & Louis van Amstel: She’s hot and she’s already got the sexy moves, but sometimes that turns off DWTS viewers, so she’d better not push it

3. Kirstie Alley & Maksim Chmerkovskiy: She doesn’t seem to dance too much in her rehearsal video, but Kirstie does do impressions of my girls Edyta and Lacey. She has Maks and fans looooove Maks, so between her fame and humor and his Maks-ness, she should stick around.

Lacey seems like the most fun DWTS pro.

4. Ralph Macchio & Karina Smirnoff: He’s such a nice guy and he seems to have not aged a day. He did OK in his video and I have high hopes. Have you heard the story about how he met his wife? Too cute.

5. Mike Catherwood & Lacey Schwimmer: He’s hot. She’s hot. She always choreographs fun, bouncy routines. I think they’ll be all right.

6. Petra Nemcova & Dimitry Chaplin: She’s gorgeous. He’s gorgeous. Fans have missed Dmitry. We’re not going to let him go that easily. I was disappointed by their rehearsal video, but maybe my expectations were just too high.

7. Romeo & Chelsie Hightower: I’m not sure yet how this will turn out, but he was named one of the most fit men alive so if he flashes his abs around, he could be the new (and less tacky) Situation.

8. Hines Ward & Kym Johnson: Hines seems like a decent guy and Kym is adorable (and she got screwed with The Hoff last season!) but the jury is still out on his talent and dance floor appeal.

Petra & Dmitry should be a slam-dunk, but I'm worried.

9. Wendy Williams & Tony Dovolani: She seems like she’ll be funny, but she’s awkward in her video and her mouth could get her in trouble.

10. Chris Jericho & Cheryl Burke: Cheryl can make anybody good and this guy does seem to have appeal and humor on this side, but I don’t know… He definitely had “concentration face” going on during rehearsals. But Cheryl does have him moving. We’ll see.

11. Sugar Ray Leonard & Anna Trebunskaya: I feel bad for picking on Sugar Ray, but he’s so serious and Anna is super serious. They are both going to need to get loose and just have some fun.

***

Read all kinds of DWTS recaps, top 10 lists, quotes, costume hits & misses and sneak peeks here at Wetpaint.com/Dancing-with-the-Stars.

I'm frightened of Gary Busey. He's goofy-funny in some ways, but when he gets out his crazy person growl, I worry. Why is Donald Trump so in love with him? Are they related? They both have bad hair...

God love Gary Busey, but what on Earth is he babbling about?

On “Celebrity Apprentice” episode three, “Unhappy Campers,” the laughably un-outdoorsy teams had to put on an interactive outdoor experience to promote Camping World. This is funny to me for many reasons, mostly for the idea that Donald Trump could ever really rough it in an RV.

It was also funny for Gary Busey’s introduction to the challenge boss, Marcus Lemonis of Camping World: “I know nothing’s free, but my heart to your heart is free.” (?)

How sane is Star? And how valuable is Dionne? Oh you're much too generous!

Gary always gives good, if inexplicable, value. What did he say about creating definitions for words from the letters in the words? Ivanka is right: You can’t say you’ve ever worked with someone like Gary because there are no others.

And THANK GOD for it.

Gary and Niki Taylor were the project managers. Gary is a human train wreck, but he is his team’s #1 train wreck. Other than Gary (and, to some extent, Jose Canseco’s Negative Nelly attitude), the men of Backbone are very good and want their team to win.

Niki, on the other hand, had to battle the additional challenge of Star Jones insisting she’s the only one who knows how to do anything … while insisting she won’t be taking charge. Then there’s Dionne Warwick, a patronizing naysayer who looks for fault in others while doing nothing helpful herself.

Gary and Lil Jon did not get along. Or, as Gary growled, “Lil Jon turned out to be an antagonist to me.” (Run, Lil Jon!)

Jose also decided he was against everyone and everything that was suggested. As my boy Mark McGrath put it, “I feel like you have an opinion and it’s very strong but it’s not necessarily right.” YES.

Jose didn’t want a charming little country song to go along with their RV challenge. And then Richard Hatch called country “backward” and for the “less educated.” John Rich made a huge fuss, which he kind of had to do since his own reputation was on the line. He has to represent country music fans, aka “my audience.”

Thankfully, Backbone has my boy Mark. John called him a “panicker” but I see someone actually focused on the task at hand. And I’d panic, too, if I saw Gary and Jose just sitting around during a challenge. Then playing catch. Mark seems to be the men’s saving grace — especially when Gary loves “mistakes” because they lead you figure things out another way, or something. Love Mark for taping the ball game to show at the boardroom. My boy is wicked smahhht!

I love Marlee's interpreter. I wonder what he thinks about all of this.

In short, this challenge was the ladies’ to lose. I thought Gary had set the fail bar too high, but the ladies couldn’t work together enough to get a good thing going. And The Men Minus Gary were great, even with Meat Loaf’s little presentation gaffe.

Really, Gary and Star should have their own team and name it Delusional. Star wants to be known as someone who solves problems instead of creating problems, then goes right ahead and slashes the metaphorical tires of everyone on her team. (Remember when Star said she wanted to show that women could work together? Every day is Opposite Day with Star!)

Niki decided her best strategy was to bond with fellow model Hope “Who The Hell is This Chick?” Dworaczyk. At least she would have someone on her side. She also assigned the rest of the A.S.A.P. ladies to design portions of the set-up. Good. Keep them busy.

But while she was at the printers, she got a call from Star asking for clarification about her “vision.” “Vision” has become the new code for “I’m going to bring this up at the boardroom.” Star overcomplicates everything. Because she’s looking for ways to help others fail. Because she’s a bully. No one deserves a Star working against them, especially when Dionne is right there helping her find fault.

Niki made the mistake of playing nice and saying the ladies all got along. She’s a cheerleader. She said if they lost she should go home. Marlee, on the other hand, sold out Dionne — but only to a point. Not nearly enough. And wasn’t Dionne the one who was paying her bills during the challenge? What is she doing there, by the way? Did she think because Joan Rivers won, that anyone of any age could do this? Maybe it’s true, but you have to show up and WORK not just putter around and do the bare minimum.

I wish The Donald would let people speak in the boardroom instead of interrupting them. He doesn’t seem to know what really goes on, but he rarely lets people finish their thoughts. But Marlee and Niki had the opportunity to explain Dionne’s passive-aggression and they decided to just play it safe.

Trump loves “genius” Gary. Why? Who knows. Gary says he was legally deaf and now has two hearing aids and can hear his own toenails grow. But the hearing aids haven’t checked the crazy. The crazy doesn’t wait for sound. Mark should’ve mentioned how Gary and Jose were playing catch and sitting around when they should’ve been working. Why is no one spilling the beans?

In the end, John Rich and my boy Mark held their team together and led the men to a win. Niki did herself no favors with her martyrdom cheerleading and, for that, she deserved to go home. She had a classy exit, but it was an unnecessary one. Since Dionne never should’ve been there to begin with, she was my #1 pick to be fired. Get. Rid. Of. Her. Now.

ASSESSMENT

Right now I like Mark, John, Lil Jon and Meal Loaf on the men’s side — in that order — and Marlee and La Toya on the women’s side.

Here’s the cast, in order of my preference:

* Mark McGrath
* John Rich
* Marlee Matlin
*  Lil Jon
* Meat Loaf
* La Toya Jackson
* Hope Dworaczyk (Who?)
* Richard Hatch
* NeNe Leakes
* Gary Busey
* Jose Canseco
* Star Jones
* Dionne Warwick
* David Cassidy — ELIMINATED 1ST
* Lisa Rinna — ELIMINATED 2ND
* Niki Taylor — ELIMINATED 3RD

***

Read my “Celebrity Apprentice” stories here.

I do love Mikaela's look. Here's the photo blurb from the CW: "The models work in pairs to film a retro-style coffee commercial with photographer/director Francesco Carrozzini on America's Next Top Model on The CW." Pictured left to right: Sara, Mikaela, Molly and Dalya Cycle 16

I have been blowing off “America’s Next Top Model” this cycle because my DVR cannot handle “American Idol,” “Survivor” and “Top Model” at the same time. Tonight I decided to blow off “Survivor: Redemption Island” just because I can watch it On Demand tomorrow.

Anyway, here’s some good news from the CW, which must hate “Idol” with a passion:

***

“AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL” Slides to 9:00PM on Wednesdays, Starting April 20

Burbank, CA (March 16, 2011) – Scheduling update: “AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL” moves back an hour, to 9:00-10:00 p.m. ET/PT on Wednesdays, beginning April 20 through the remainder of its 16th cycle.  This change goes into effect the week after the season finale of “SHEDDING FOR THE WEDDING,” which airs Wednesday, April 13 at 9:00-10:00 p.m.

Also starting on April 20, encore presentations of the previous week’s “Top Model” will air Wednesdays at 8:00-9:00p.m, as the lead-in to the original episodes.

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Awesome. I get why they can’t start today, but I wish they would anyway. Then I could tape this and “Idol” and be done with it.

By the way, Mikaela is my favorite. Just for her striking features. If she’s in a magazine or a commercial, I’m going to stop for a second look.

And coffee is delicious. I would’ve DIED to be in that commercial. Coffee + “Mad Men” = Heaven. ANTM usually has weird challenges (like girls being set on fire) but this one was awesome. So jealous. Hell with all of them, just call me next time. I’ll own it.

Have they ever even discussed the idea of her moving to Austin? Where will Ricki go to school? Will the Hendrick family let Em take Ricki so far away? Was this subject broached at all or did they just decide "let's cross that bridge when we come to it?" (Photo Credit: Rick Rowell/ABC Television Group 2010 Disney )

Normally right about now — an hour before the finale of “The Bachelor” — I’m pumped. Excited. I spend weeks poking gentle fun of the show but I love a happy ending as much as the next sap. I know that right around 9:55 p.m. I’m going to squee like a Justin Bieber fan, because I always do. Even for Jake and Vienna.

But now I’m (slightly) sad. Because according to Reality Steve’s latest spoilers from “The After the Final Rose” special — to be taken with a grain of salt — Brad Womack and his fiancee Emily Maynard have already broken up. Sure, they got back together, but that’s a bad sign. A bad, bad sign. I have The Fear.

Ugh. Having said that, I do like her better as a blonde. So that's another problem with her as the (still rumored at this point) Bachelorette. (WENN photo)

It doesn’t help that Ashley Hebert is still the front-runner to be the Season 7 Bachelorette. Steve says she’s already shot some scenes for the season, which should start airing in late May, after “Dancing with the Stars.”

Blech.

Or is this OK? I don’t know how to feel anymore, but I definitely don’t feel the way I did for Ali and Roberto. Normally I look forward to “The Bachelorette” much more than “The Bachelor” (25 guys >1 guy) but now I don’t know. Ashley The Exhausting does not inspire confidence.

Visit Wetpaint.com/the-bachelor for a crapload of “Bachelor” stories, polls and recaps. Do the same for “The Bachelorette” at Wetpaint.com/the-bachelorette.

And catch up on my “Bachelor/ette/Pad” articles in this nifty blog archive.

Mark and Marlee could go far. Dionne, it seems, can't efficiently run a cash register or speak directly to someone who is deaf. She's just arrogant as hell.

Was it Gary Busey who just compared Mark McGrath to the hood ornament on your car of creativity? Or something?

Whatever was said, I agree. Last week on “The Celebrity Apprentice” premiere, Mark stood out to me with his positive energy — for everyone on team Backbone — during the pizza challenge. This week the children’s book story — based around Lil Jon, which is hilarious — was his idea. Everyone seems to like him and he’s a creative, likable guy who knows how to stay on task. If he stays on this track, he should win.

Never let these two crazy fools work together.

John Rich is another standout. He raised a lot of money last week and he’s a creative force this week. Jose Canseco is annoying. The sooner he’s fired the better. Gary Busey is a homeless drama queen. There are as many divas on the men’s side as the women’s.

I felt sorry for Meat Loaf when he screwed up the logistics, but things turned out well for him in the end.

(Although, I’m all set with all this tearful “Thank you, Mr. Trump!” gushing. Mr. Trump wasted a full minute talking abou Lisa Rinna’s lip reduction and how much he effing hates tattoos. Mr. Trump is what we generously call “eccentric.”)

Meanwhile, the women of A.S.A.P. are imploding. They bullied and sabotaged Lisa Rinna and tried to make her fail, which was both stupid and sad. It seems like only last week that the increasingly insufferable Star Jones made her heartfelt speech about how women can work well together. Not quite.

I’m tired of Star, but I think she’s sticking around. She’s the head mean girl. She raised more than $40,000 last week and that definitely displayed some staying power. Dionne Warwick, on the other hand, is useless. She needs to leave now. I can’t believe how rude Dionne was to Marlee Matlin. Dionne wouldn’t even look at Marlee. So deafness is not the right kind of diversity for Dionne? Wow. I lost total respect for her.

I like the idea of LaToya Jackson as a lion. That’s fine, even if a shy lion isn’t that original. They could jazz it up. The group didn’t have to go with hearing impairment, but the idea that it’s too heavy or hard to understand is truly ignorant.

Star Jones is the Queen B*tch of this season, with NeNe Leakes as her toadie.

Anyway, I’m really starting to love “The Celebrity Apprentice.” I have fond memories of the showdown between Joan Rivers and Annie Duke. I predict just as many below-the-belt insults this season.

Here are the celebs of Apprentice, in order of my preference:

* Mark McGrath
* John Rich
* Marlee Matlin
* Meat Loaf
* Niki Taylor
*  Lil Jon
* La Toya Jackson
* Richard Hatch
* NeNe Leakes
* Gary Busey
* Hope Dworaczyk (Who?)
* Jose Canseco
* Star Jones
* Dionne Warwick
* David Cassidy — ELIMINATED 1ST
* Lisa Rinna — ELIMINATED 2ND

***

Read my “Celebrity Apprentice” recaps here.

Does this mean Don can hire back Lois The Foot Whacker as his secretary? That post is as cursed as the Defense Against the Dark Arts position at Hogwarts.

Who do I have to kill? Point me. I’ll do it. Or I’ll at least make a convincing crazy-person face at whoever I need to motivate.

*UPDATE*Mad Men” Season 5 starts Sunday, March 25, 2012, with a two-hour premiere on AMC. About bloody time!

Is it Matthew Weiner? Is he still trying to get more money negotiating with Lionsgate TV? That seems to be the word on the street.

More Joan/Peggy bonding, please.

Even The Goddess (but not Charlie Sheen goddess) Christina Hendricks isn’t sure when “Mad Men” Season 5 will be coming our way.

As she said in a recent interview: “I know that there’s a Season 5 and we generally go back [to work] around May, June…. We’re just waiting for the word on when. I’ve heard just as many rumors as anybody else about the scheduling. It’s already a long wait in between seasons for the fans, so I hope they don’t have to wait any longer.”

This is just like “Project Runway.” We have to wait until summer for everyone to even start filming. Then it’s another couple of months before episodes start airing.

It’s unfair. I need to know how the Don Draper/Megan thing turns out.

The silver lining, according to this Screen Rant, story is “Mad Men” Season 4 will be released on DVD and Blu-Ray on March 29. As they write, “In addition to last year’s 13 episodes, you can expect three special features: a documentary on the inequality of divorce in the 1960s, archival footage of the campaign between President Lyndon Johnson and Senator Barry Goldwater, and a guide to business success ‘Draper-style’” Amazon has the 4-disc DVD collection listed at $29.99 and the 3-disc Blu-Ray at $34.99.”

Will you buy it for me? Please?

Catch up on my other “Mad Men” stories here.

Sorry, Jeff. I know you wanted your boyfriend to stay longer.

Bwahahaha! Bwahahahahahaha!

He had two chances and he blew both of them. And then he cried. Tee hee.

Russell Hantz is gone. Permanently. He said this is his last time playing “Survivor.” And thank heaven for it.

Matt Elrod (Fabio 2.0) beat him in the (lame) Redemption Island domino challenge. Was he really crying or did he pull a Michelle Money? By the way, I LOVED the soft princess music they had for him while he sobbed.

Jeff Probst wondered if he was crying out of embarrassment or what?

I do wish Redemption Island itself were a little cooler.

Russell: “I respect this game too much to go out this way.” Then he started insulting his tribe for throwing the challenge to get rid of him. He called himself the a “professional quarterback” with pee wee players on his team. Right.

Then Ralph Kiser — one of the challenge witnesses — did some weird fake-out with his idol, telling Russell he found it within 15 seconds of the game. He started to show it to Russell, then backed off on Sarita White’s advisement.

Then Phillip “Special Agent” Sheppard weighed in, because no moment is complete without his input. He said he could tell that Ralph had an idol. It’s his job to tell when people are lying. (And to sweep the floor at the crack of dawn. And to be the season’s resident crazy person/Coach 2.0.)

Russell decided he could still play in the game via Phillip and his pink tighty whities. So he played spoiler king (something he’s familiar with) and spilled all of his tribe’s secrets. Bitter much?

So now Stephanie Valencia and Krista Klumpp are permanently stuck with “the goobers.” The storm is coming for them. Especially Stephanie.

Holy crap Grant is hot. Please show more of him.

And Russell, like Francesca before him, is rooting for sweet Matt to win. Rooting from afar, of course. As Russell said before the Redemption Island challenge, “If this was the real world I’d be rooting for Matt.” Just like with Brett Clouser on “Samoa.” Matt is the new prayer warrior.

Matt is in a good position right now. So is Boston Rob Mariano, after finding that idol. He, at least, has learned something from his past seasons.

I wish Kristina Kell had been given more time in the game — strong, strategic women are hard to come by — but “Survivor: Redemption Island” without Phillip would be so much less amusing.

Loving this season so far…

Catch up on my “Survivor” stories in this archive.

These people are playing the game:

Ometepe Tribe

* Francesca Hogi, 36, Washington D.C.; attorney— 1st sent to Redemption Island, 1st permanently eliminated
* Matt Elrod, 22, Nashville; pre-med student — 2nd sent to Redemption Island
* Kristina Kell, 46, Malibu; law student — 4th sent to Redemption Island
* Grant Mattos, 29, West Hollywood; former NFLer, yoga instructor
* Phillip Sheppard, 52, Santa Monica; technology executive
* Natalie Tenerelli, 19, Acton, Calif.; professional dancer
* Ashley Underwood, 25, Benton, Maine; nurse
* Andrea Boehlke, 21, Random Lake, Wis.; student
* “Boston Rob” Rob Mariano

Zapatera Tribe

* Mike Chiesl, 31, Del Mar, Calif.; former Marine
* Ralph Kiser, 44, Lebanon, Va.; farmer
* Krista Klumpp, 25, Columbia, S.C.; pharmaceutical rep.
* David Murphy, 31, West Hollywood; defense attorney
* Stephanie Valencia, 25, Long Beach, Calif.; waitress
* Sarita White, 36, Santa Monica; visual effects producer
* Julie Wolfe, 50, Oceanside, Calif.; firefighter
* Steve Wright, 51, Huntington Beach, Calif.; former NFL player
* Russell Hantz — 3rd sent to Redemption Island, 2nd permanently eliminated

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