You are currently browsing the monthly archive for March 2010.

The Force is strong with this one.

By Gina Carbone
gina_carbone@comcast.net

Well, it took me long enough.

My friend Lisa has been crushing on Nathan Fillion for a while — I think she’s a “Serenity” fan, but when I hear “Serenity” I still think “Serenity Now.”

That’s not what got me.

I have “Firefly” in my Netflix queue, but as of now it’s still just a bug.

No, I read my Entertainment Weekly/Bible this week and saw the Stupid Questions with Nathan.

You’ll have to get the issue (Katherine Heigl is on the cover. Sorry.) for the whole interview — but it’s worth it!

***

Here’s the equivalent of a deleted scene from the interview, posted at EW.com:

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: You once admitted to keeping a lightsaber by your front door for home security. Who exactly were you expecting to break in — Jawas?

NATHAN FILLION: You know, you never know who’s going to break into your home when you have a lightsaber handy… I had a party one night, and I was escorting the last of my guests to her car, and I looked down the street, and about four or five houses down, somebody was outside whippin’ a lightsaber around, a purple one. I said, Ohmygod, this is perfect. So I ran back into my house, got my lightsaber, it’s blue, hid it behind my back, and casually walked down the street. This kid, I’d put him in, like, his early 20s, sees me, and tries to act cool playing with the lightsaber. I said, “Hey, how you doin’?” He’s like, “Oh, hey. Good, good.” I said, “Oh, matter of fact, I’ve been looking for you.” [Lightsaber noise] And I whip out my lightsaber, and he doesn’t even laugh. I’m like, “Man, I walked down the whole block for this bit. It’s funnier than that.” I did scare the crap out of a couple that was standing on the sidewalk chatting right there. Then it was worth it.

***

This guy is adorable. A sweet, sexy mainstream nerd who put in his Twitter bio “It costs nothing to say something kind. Even less to shut up altogether.”

Pretend he's reading this page at the same time you are...

Nice.

I have been watching “Castle” weekly, but only because it follows “The Bachelor” and “Dancing with the Stars.”

Till now, that is.

Now I’m watching DWTS because it’s on before “Castle.”

OK, Cult of Nathan Fillion. You have me. I’ve joined the fold.

Where do I go from here?

Are you leaving or what?

By Gina Carbone

OK, so the “Project Runway” plot has thickened … but can they make it work?

Our friends at Blogging Project Runway posted a “No More Mystery” story on Friday, March 26.

They linked to a video (I’ll give you the YouTube version) and wrote:

“So this is what happened to Maya? Lifetime pretty much gives up the ghost to the question we’ve been asking ever since the fashion week finale filming. But they have added yet another riddle. Who is coming back?

This is getting juicy.”

In the 30-second teaser video we’re told there are only four episodes left … and “for the first time in Runway history one designer will walk away.”

Tim Gunn said “I’m as stunned as you all are.”

We see Jonathan Peters say “all of our little worlds have just been turned upside down.”

And one of “these former designers” — flash to Ping Wu (!), Jesse LeNoir and Anthony Williams — will return to shake up the entire competition.

Cut to Emilio Sosa telling the camera, “You’re kidding me.”

Well, it could be Maya Luz that walks away. That would explain why she was the one designer from the top 11 not to show at Bryant Park.

But, she was in the audience at Bryant Park. So if she left on bad terms, what was she doing there?

If she was kicked off, it wouldn’t be the first time. Remember when Keith Michael was disqualified from season three for having pattern-making books (and disappearing)?

And if Maya — or anyone — left on good terms, or for health reasons, it also wouldn’t be the first time.

Remember how Jack Mackenroth withdrew from season four after developing a staph infection and was replaced by previously ousted contestant Chris March — who just made headlines for designing Meryl Streep’s beautiful Oscar dress?

So what is really going on?

And who comes back?

Since Anthony was the most recent departure, it makes sense for it to be him. (Why the eff would they bring PING back?)

But I wish Amy Sarabi would return. She was a risk-taker and that’s what the show needs, instead of more-of-the-same stuff, week after week.

Even Tim Gunn acknowledged “the show needs to trail blaze again, and I’m committed to doing that.”

Oh, and Amy’s season seven fashion week collection was one of the best.

Still rooting for Seth Aaron Henderson to win, though. And not just because he’s hot!

Aww. Look at Ali with her sneakers. She's ready to go "On the Wings of Love"! No wait, she's ready to say "In your face, Facebook!" Or "I'm The Ice Queen, Beyatch!" Or something yet to be determined.

By Gina Carbone

You know, I’ve been to Iceland.

It’s true. The airport in Reykjavík. It counts! And it’s like a classy ski lodge.

But from what Reality Steve is saying, Ali Fedotowsky and at least a few of her 25 men are going to see a little more of Iceland than I did.

(Lucky b*tch. She gets to be The Ice Queen. At least she doesn’t get Reid Rosenthal, too!)

Here is Steve’s post from March 22 (OK, so I’m late. I’ve been busy stewing over how much I hate Russell Hantz):

***

“Bachelorette” News

We’re still two months away from the “Bachelorette” beginning, yet even in the “offseason”, I’m shocked I’m getting information flowing in already. Even though it’s early and they’re only 10 days into filming, here’s all I know so far:

• Filming started two weekends ago at the mansion in California with 25 guys

•For the first time in what seems like forever, the overnight dates will not be somewhere tropical. Ali will be in Iceland for her overnight dates.

•There is a group date this Wednesday in NYC at the Museum of Natural History

***

Are these the asses of Ali's men in New York? I got this from Fans of Reality TV.

That was from Steve. I’m THRILLED he’s going to keep getting — and giving — insider spoilers.

But the “this Wednesday” was March 24, so … we missed it.

Oh well. I grew up in Ali’s home state of Massachusetts and I’ve managed to never meet her, so don’t let anyone tell you it’s a small world.

Still, if you have an epic amount of time on your hands and really want to track Ali’s “journey,” visit Fans of Reality TV’s Bachelorette 6 Ali Fedotowsky ***sleuthing**** thread.”

Or check out New York photos here at the screencraps thread.

But when we do meet Ali’s bachelors (hopefully not Ali’s a-holes) on May 24, keep an eye out for some guy named “Chris.”

Zap2it ran across a blog that posted info about someone who has connected with Ali:

“According to a blog by Lindsay Bridges, a friend of Lindsay and her husband Mike has left to begin filming ‘The Bachelorette.’

“Bridges wrote on March 3: ‘We actually know one of the guys that will be on the show contending for Ali’s love!! His name is Chris and he grew up with my hubby!! He is leaving March 9th to start filming.’”

I’m guessing they don’t mean Chris Harrison, although Rozlyn Papa did say he was a flirt, so who knows.

Anyway, mark your “Bachelorette” timelines with the week of March 7-13 as the start of Ali’s “journey.”

And catch up on “Bachelor”/”Bachelorette” stuff in my little archive.

By Gina Carbone

Is this the Eric Northman blend, by any chance?

I’ll take a venti. Lots of sugar. With whip.

“True Blood” is coming back soon, although not soon enough.

Still, HBO is going to keep giving us nice season three teasers.

Have you already forgotten some of the best quotes from “True Blood” season two?

For shame! Catch up here.

This is the beginning…

Team Shiv. Maybe she can save the ending of last season. I have given up on this season being memorable on its own.

By Gina Carbone
gina_carbone@comcast.net

Brace yourself: Paige Miles is gone.

I know. It was a HUGE shock.

This has been such an amazing season of “American Idol.” I can’t wait to see what happens next.

This is probably the best top 10 ever.

Crystal and her guitar. Again.

Especially Crystal Bowersox. I’ve never heard anyone like her.

Certainly never in a subway or on a street corner by Quincy Market in Boston or downtown Portsmouth or on the porch during the summer when my neighbor breaks out his guitar.

And Siobhan Magnus isn’t just the female Adam Lambert. She’s her own person. Look at how zany she is! What an original.

Thank God they got rid of Alex Lambert. He was slowing the season down.

At least Tim Urban is still there to add a dose of real talent and star power.

I didn’t even know he had a great body because the camera never pans up and down his torso.

***Pause to take a deep breath and regroup***

OK, I’m done. My bitterness has passed. No more sarcasm. For now.

Look, here’s what happened on the results show, including a list of the top 10 who will be touring in a city near you this summer.

I want Siobhan to kick Crystal’s ass.

Because Siobhan IS this season’s Adam Lambert. I don’t care if she’s a knock-off. Someone needs to avenge Adam’s second place finish last season.

I love Kris Allen, but he won because he wasn’t Adam Lambert.

Kris is truly talented and he had the slow burn approach of building up to a huge finish. Crystal has started strong and is probably going to stay that way, so where’s the excitement and surprise?

At least Siobhan knows how to put on a show, and the producers are giving her The Adam Lambert Treatment with the lighting and stage direction.

She’s worth tuning in for.

Almost.

If they bring Alex Lambert back, I’ll tune back into the performance nights.

Mullet Boy, I have stayed loyal.

Which is worse: Having a big mouth or listening to someone who has a big mouth when you should know better?

By Gina Carbone
gina_carbone@comcast.net

If Colby Donaldson didn’t want to leave “Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains” before “Banana Etiquette,” I can only imagine he’s ready to go now.

“Old sleepy-ass Colby” — a sucky Superman in a fat suit?

Ouch.

Yes, he lost to the Dragon Slayer. Yes, he was in last place during the rope challenge. He was beat by a fat man (Rupert Boneham) and a cripple (James Clement).

Did James have to tick all of those failures off during tribal council — with the Villains watching and listening and eating hot dogs?

Why don’t you just all take turns kicking him?

Anyway, Colby is in. James and his giant mouth are out.

(Apparently failure is an option. But stealing bananas is not.)

Glad for my eye candy to still be intact, but no more speeches about how you know you’re going home when you clearly don’t know squat.

But who cares.

We have more important things to discuss right now.

Like Tyson.

Who was already a dumbass even before he single-handedly gave Russell Hantz a major victory during tribal council.

Tyson wins the Champion Douche award.

We were so close to being rid of him.

After being voted out he told the camera Russell probably earned some respect with that move.

It only took about four seconds to fool you, Tyson, so don’t congratulate Russell too hard. It wasn’t that great a move. It should not have worked.

Poor Boston Rob. He wins the immunity challenge — twice — thereby winning individual immunity and hot dogs and sodas for his tribe.

He set them up with the perfect plan to get rid of either flirty Parvati Shallow or the evil Oompa Loompa and got the tribe ringside seats for the Heroes tribal council.

Even Russell said the best idea for the “other” Villains would be to split the vote three and three — three for Parvati, three for Russell.

That way, if Russell played the not-so hidden immunity idol, Parvati would go. But if Russell gave the idol to Parvati — which he did, after a pompous speech where he remembered to name drop the equally self-important CoachRussell would go.

It was a great plan. As Rob told the group, “We can’t lose.”

But they could! Because Tyson screwed it up.

He was supposed to vote for Russell. But he believed Russell when Russell told him he wanted to save Parvati, but didn’t think it would be possible.

Russell told Tyson he was going to vote for Parvati. Tyson — scared because he figured Russell and Parvati would be voting for him, since they couldn’t vote off Rob — tried to cover his own ass by switching his vote from Russell to Parvati.

Now is the time to play Superman, Colby. Regroup. Make Tina proud. Make me proud. Whatever. Just don't steal bananas. We know how that ends.

So he deserved to go home. And I can only hope that the next time the Villains go to tribal council, Rob and Sandra Diaz-Twine are able to keep a stable Russell ousting together.

Oh. And Colby? Time to man up, Sally. Own your tribe.

May I suggest dumping Rupert, Amanda and JT in that order? As long as you ditch JT before the merge, you should be all set.

****

INTRO POSTURING

Amanda is sick of Candice, because Candice wanted James out. (But she voted for Tom! Move on!)

Russell approached Boston Rob at night.

He told Rob he didn’t want to go after his throat. But he told the camera he only wanted Rob to think that.

He and Rob are now gunning for each other.

Rob: “Russ is going to find out soon enough that he’s out of his league.”

Rob said a lot of people are mad that Russell went out for the idol.

They have a “watch your back” battle.

Stop it, you’re both pretty!

****

ROPE CHALLENGE

Vague tree mail arrived about being at the end of your rope. They weren’t sure if it was for immunity or reward and Colby wanted to know what it meant for James, whose leg is injured.

The Villains were surprised that James was still around. (Me too.)

Jeff Probst said today they would be competing as individuals against their tribe mates because both tribes were going to tribal council.

Each person would be attached to a rope as they maneuver through an obstacle course.

Both winners from each tribe will square off with the winner getting his or her tribe hot dogs and soft drinks, which they will enjoy while watching the other team’s tribal council.

Tyson won this challenge in his season. He looked around when Jeff mentioned that, like he was looking for the Tyson that Jeff was talking about. That’s you, dumbass. (Sorry. NOT a Tyson fan.)

The Villains won the coin toss and had the Heroes go first.

James was actually in the lead during the challenge, with Colby stuck in the middle.

Love of God, Colby, MAN UP.

Candice won the individual immunity for the Heroes. So shut it, Amanda.

JT told the camera that Candice was the only thing stopping Colby from going home next.

So it’s 8:13 p.m. and he’s saying that. If Colby does go home after this, nice job spoiling it out of the gate.

Rob, you won. Twice. And have individual immunity. I know you're still stuck with Russell, but cheer up. At least you're not playing with the Career Builder monkeys on the Heroes tribe.

Right off the bat, Rob, Tyson and Russell were in the lead for the Villains. Sandra was making “no progress at all,” as Jeff put it.

Parvati and Coach were putting up good fights, too.

Rob was through the first section first.

Come on, Rob!

Yes! He won!

SUCK THAT DOWN, EVIL OOMPA LOOMPA! Ha ha.

Showdown between Boston Rob and Candice.

They added a third level to make it more difficult.

Rob was in the lead but Candice was right behind him.

Boston Rob won. Seriously, this guy is The Man.

Having said that, this makes the Russell vs. Rob story that much less dramatic.

They both have immunity idols. Rob can force Russell to play his tonight, though.

****

VILLAINS TRIBE — RUSSELL AND PARVATI MAKE A PLAN

Parvati said she went into the challenge knowing she had to win … and then Rob won.

Rob wasn’t exactly congratulating himself for beating a girl.

Rob gathered his troops and said they would vote out Parvati but make it seem like they wanted to vote out Russell.

Rob told Russell it’s better to be with him than against him.

Russell told Parvati he’s not stupid: He knows they are trying to flush the idol out. He said he was going to write down Tyson’s name and give the idol to Parvati.

****

HEROES TRIBE — COLBY OR JAMES?

Colby told the camera he needed an A+ performance to save himself and James beat him, even injured.

Colby addressed the troops, saying he knew he would be going home that night. He said no scrambling needed, no hard feelings on his part.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MAN, THINK OF ME.

Even if you have no thoughts for yourself, think of what a loss it will be for me with you gone.

James and Colby had a talk.

And by “talk” I mean James called Colby “the great Colby,” and said if he turns it on and starts winning they’ll be all right.

“But if it’s the old sleepy-ass Colby, you know, that gets beat by a fat man and a cripple, that ain’t right.”

HARSH!

Poor Colby’s reputation is getting ruined. One of the “baddest competitors” ever has seen his muscles go away.

As James told the camera, it almost brought him to tears. “It’s like my superman sucks.”

JT, Rupert, Candice and Amanda had a powwow about Colby vs. James.

JT said James eats them out of house and home. He eats too many bananas.

Rupert said he eats four bananas on the way to challenge and three more on the way back.

Amanda, who loves James and said last week that he treats her like a little sister, told James he has to stop stealing bananas.

It’s come to this. “Banana Etiquette,” just like the episode title.

James and JT raced down the beach to show that his leg was OK.

Rupert told the camera James is a fighter, James is power, James is on his side.

Colby is not a fighter, Rupert said.

JT told the camera James is the kind of person who will not let you know he’s hurt until he’s in a stretcher. They have to look at the big picture.

****

VILLAINS TRIBE — ROB’S THREE-WAY PLAN

Rob said they should split the vote three and three.

Three for Parvati, three for Russell.

Three of the other side are going to pick someone else, probably Tyson.

If they vote three and three there’s a tie.

If he plays the idol, she’s going home. If she plays the idol, he’s going home.

“We can’t lose.”

Rob said it was an “insurance policy” with the idol so they can’t blindside them.

Rob has an alliance with Tyson.

Tyson said the vote would be “pretty straightforward” which means it won’t be!

He said Rob, Tyson and Sandra would vote for Russell.

Courtney, Coach and Jerri would vote for Parvati.

(Where is Danielle in all of this? Is she with Russell and Parvati? Is she just sliding through?)

Russell told Tyson he can’t save Parvati so he’s going to vote for her.

Tyson said it was an excellent opportunity for him to send his vote to Parvati.

YOU MORON!

Russell told the camera the smartest thing for the other side to do would be to do a three-way tie. He’s not sure if they’re that smart.

Yes, they are! But Tyson sounds like he’s ready to screw it up already. Out of fear.

****

VILLAINS TRIBAL COUNCIL

Sandra called Russell out on having the immunity idol. Why is he playing coy?

We see Rob vote for Russell and say “Welcome to the big leagues.”

Parvati voted for Tyson.

Coach voted for Parvati.

Sandra voted for Russell. Wow, she hates him as much as I do.

Jeff said now would be the time to play the hidden idol.

So Russell stood up and started to hand the idol to Jeff. Then said “No, not this way.”

He said Coach always said honesty and trust was the best thing.

So he gave the idol to Parvati.

Rob shook his head.

Jeff said it was a bold move by Russell.

1. Russell
2. Russell
3. Parvati
4. Parvati
5. Parvati
6. Parvati
7. Tyson
8. Tyson
9. Tyson

F*CK!

Tyson, you ASS!

****

HEROES TRIBAL COUNCIL

Rupert said the line between hero and villain is so blurred right now. The Villains are teaching the Heroes how the game is played.

Someone has a bit of brown on his nose in front of the hot-dog-eating Villains!

Oh God, more gushing over JT. That he beat James in a foot race. The guy is crippled right now, even I could beat him.

James gave another rundown of Colby’s failures. Being beaten by the Dragon Slayer. Being beaten by a fat man and a cripple. Ouch.

It’s like Superman is wearing a fat suit?

Poor Colby. “I’m not that old.”

Your big brother is gone. But I think you'll be fine. You always manage to land on your feet. Until the end, anyway.

James explains the banana etiquette.

Colby is such a gentleman, to listen to all that and accept it — in front of the hot-dog-eating Villains.

I STILL LOVE YOU, MAN! And I bet Vanna White does, too.

1. Colby

2. James

3. James

4. James

5. James

Wow. Surprise.

James hugged Amanda.

JT — who can’t be trusted for longer than it takes him to drawl out a sentence — told him to have a shot for them. James called back that he’d be good and drunk within five minutes.

James, while you’re drunk, would you mind kicking Tyson at least once, for me?

****

These people are still around:

HEROES
Rupert Boneham (Pearl Islands, All-Stars)
Colby Donaldson (Australian Outback, All-Stars)
Cirie Fields (Panama, Fans vs. Favorites)
Amanda Kimmel (China, Fans vs. Favorites)
JT Thomas (Tocantins)
Tom Westman (Palau)
Candice Woodcock (Cook Islands)

VILLAINS
Sandra Diaz (Pearl Islands)
Danielle DiLorenzo (Panama)
Russell Hantz (Samoa)
Jerri Manthey (Australian Outback)
Boston Rob Mariano (Marquesas, All-Stars)
Parvati Shallow (Cook Islands, Fans vs. Favorites)
Benjamin “Coach” Wade (Tocantins)
Courtney Yates (China)

Stupid alpha males. They should just form their own alliance and duke it out in the final two.

By Gina Carbone
gina_carbone@comcast.net

Don’t blame Canada. Blame basketball.

For one night only, “Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains” will air at 8 p.m. on a Wednesday. Tonight. March 24. CBS.

Be there or miss “Banana Etiquette” with its double elimination.

Explain the value of Rupert at this point in the game.

No matter what happens at the challenge (guessing it’s an individual immunity), both the Heroes and Villains will be going to tribal council and voting someone out.

In this video teaser, Rupert Boneham of the Heroes asks the camera “Who do we keep? James, who is fighting to stay in the game, or Colby, who’s ready to walk out?”

First of all, they should probably dump Rupert, who was not exactly an ace player even before he busted his toe right out of the gate.

Second, since Rupert is in an alliance with James Clement, it’s not hard to imagine what he will convince himself to do.

But it’s disappointing to hear — AGAIN — that Colby Donaldson wants to jump ship.

He was a Grumpy Gus during “All-Stars,” which Jeff Probst convinced him to do, and earlier this season on “Heroes vs. Villains” he was whining about being done.

I know it’s tough when your alliance is being picked off one by one by a team of monkeys who don’t know — 20 SEASONS INTO A FRANCHISE — that you need to keep strong players around until the merge.

How 'bout we form an eye candy alliance?

But you have to man up, Sally!

We need you. I need you. Who the heck am I supposed to stare at once you’re gone?

JT is charming in a when-will-they-learn-to-stop-trusting-me sense, but he’s no Timothy Olyphant.

And Tyson Apostol?

Let’s hope Tyson’s little teaser clip, “I feel a little uneasy,” actually amounts to a real threat for him and not just some kind of decoy about his baby dragon, Coach, who felt “caught in the cross-fire” between Boston Rob Mariano and Russell Hantz.

As we see Boston Rob tell Russell: “If you don’t have that idol you need to go get it.”

Russell: “I don’t have it.”

Rob, chuckling, moves to pat Russell on the back: “Well, it’s been real!”

Why am I still here?

Are you seriously going to let this man be your swing vote?

Oh, if only they could get rid of Russell.

But if they force him to play the idol, and votes against him don’t count at tribal council, who would that send home? Rob? Could Russell get Coach and Tyson to write down Rob’s name?

This could be interesting.

What I wish would happen: Vote out either James or Rupert from the Heroes and Russell from the Villains.

What I think will happen: They’ll vote out Colby from the Heroes and … they can’t get rid of Rob. The Villains aren’t quite that stupid. They have to know they still need him. Maybe Danielle DiLorenzo.

Why is she even there?

Watch me finally win!

Guess I can answer my own question: Both tribes seem intent at this point to hold pissing matches between the alpha males instead of thinking with more strategic organs.

At this point I’m still holding out hope for a Colby vs. Jerri Manthey finale, but the realistic part of my brain wonders if we’re going to see a Amanda Kimmel vs. Parvati Shallow redux.

Bald: Good for Terry O'Quinn. Not so much Timothy Olyphant.

By Gina Carbone
gina_carbone@comcast.net

FX knows what is has. It has Timothy Olyphant.

It is going to milk him like the cash cow he is. It is going to make me happy.

If you’ll recall, Mr. Olyfantastic had a prominent role in the second season of “Damages” on FX.

Last Tuesday his new show, “Justified,” premiered on FX to rave reviews.

It is already one of my favorite shows.

Tonight, from 10 to 11 p.m., we get to watch episode two, “Riverbrook.”

Details: “Raylan tracks an escaped prisoner desperate to reunite with his former wife and a hidden fortune.”

Drool.

But before that episode airs, we get to watch Oly from 8 to 10 p.m. in the 2007 film “Hitman”:

“An assassin’s growing attachment to a traumatized young woman poses a threat to his life, as great as that of the Interpol and Russian agents on his trail. Based on the videogame franchise. Stars Timothy Olyphant, Dougray Scott, Olga Kurylenko, Robert Knepper, Ulrich Thomsen.”

I’ve never seen “Hitman” and it looks like an epic turd.

Worse: Oly is bald in it and I enjoy his pretty hair.

But we should be loyal … to “Lost” at 9 p.m. on ABC.

Seriously, though. Even if you watch “Lost” at 9 or “American Idol” from 8 to 10 (Shame on you! Stop watching until Alex Lambert comes back), remember to head back to FX for “Justified.”

I can almost guarantee you will love it.

I told you they would be good! And, no, I'm not talking about Brooke's in-your-face cha-chas. Put them to bed now, girl.

By Gina Carbone
gina_carbone@comcast.net

Much hullabaloo has been made — 90 percent from Kate Gosselin — about how Kate Gosselin is a mom.

She even dedicated her Viennese waltz on the premiere of “Dancing with the Stars” season 10 to all the moms out there.

Does that include Pamela Anderson and Niecy Nash?

They’re both moms and her fellow DWTS competitors. They don’t have eight kids, but they also didn’t have reality shows around them as they raised their kids.

They also did a better job handling the nerves and moves required for the show, especially Pam — the Internet’s most downloaded woman — whose sex kitten cha-cha-cha prompted another classic outburst from effusive Italian judge Bruno Tonioli:

Bruno: “I can only think of sex, sex and more sex. The dirtier the better. Stripperella is back home! Do it to me, girl!”

Even usually professional host Tom Bergeron admitted he felt like a 12-year-old around Pam and swooned at her.

Overall the crop of 11 “Stars” were pretty darn talented — for the first episode, anyway.

The least entertaining contestant was probably Kate Gosselin — who didn’t look like she was enjoying herself before, during or after her dance — although she got higher scores than both Buzz Aldrin and Aiden Turner.

Still, Buzz is cuter than a button and Aiden is hotter than heeelllll yeah. They were fun to watch, which is a huge part of the show.

Self-congratulation alert: If I can play Emperor again, everything is turning out exactly as I have foreseen: Nicole Scherzinger and Derek Hough are far and away the best already. Just like I predicted.

The Pussycat Doll even got two “9s” — from Carrie Ann Inaba and Bruno — while Len Goodman continued being Grumy Old Len.

As Carrie Ann described Nicole’s Viennese waltz: “Apparently the bar has just been set for season 10. It was beautiful. It was emotional. … You had all the light and shade. … I haven’t seen a routine out of the gate like that ever.”

I feel like this is Mya all over again. People are going to whine that she has too much previous dancing experience, while letting Evan Lysacek swirl around in stiff, boring performances to high marks. Ignoring that he basically jumps and dances on ice.

(I don’t care if I sound harsh. Evan is already overrated. I always hate the Olympians!)

I feel like Erin Andrews is the dark horse right now. She’s good and the judges aren’t really giving her enough credit yet.

Jake Pavelka got decent scores and although Len wasn’t pleased with what his “bum” was doing — and Carrie Ann and Bruno fought over whether he was “rough” or not — he presented a pretty unremarkable Viennese waltz. Not bad. Not great.

By the way, Jillian Harris and Ed Swiderski of “The Bachelorette” were in the audience, along with Gia Allemand and Jake’s fiancee, Vienna Girardi, of “The Bachelor.”

Tim Allen — Buzz Lightyear in “Toy Story” — was also in the audience, clapping for Buzz Aldrin.

Brooke Burke (another hot mama) looked classy, even with her cha-chas out, in her new role as co-host, but seemed a bit nervous. She’ll get better.

(Samantha Harris set a low bar. Sorry. It’s true.)

For some odd reason we have to now deal with something called a “Celebriquarium.” Why they can’t just go backstage again is beyond me. This adds nothing to the show.

Anyway, here are the rankings after the premiere:

Nicole Scherzinger & Derek Hough — 25

Evan Lysacek & Anna Trebunskaya
— 23

Pamela Anderson & Damian Whitewood — 21

Erin Andrews & Maksim Chmerkovskiy — 21

Jake Pavelka & Chelsie Hightower — 20

Shannen Doherty & Mark Ballas — 18

Niecy Nash & Louis van Amstel — 18

Chad Ochocinco & Cheryl Burke — 18

Kate Gosselin & Tony Dovolani — 16

Aiden Turner & Edyta Śliwińska — 15

Buzz Aldrin & Ashly DelGrosso-Costa — 14

No one is going home tomorrow because there is no show tomorrow. We return next week and then someone is chucked out next Tuesday.

I want Aiden Turner to stick around. He’s my eye candy. So vote for him, please? And vote for Buzz. Just don’t vote for Kate Gosselin. Why would you?
***

THE DANCES

***
1. Chad Ochocinco & Cheryl Burke, cha-cha-cha (Scores: 6, 6, 6 = 18/30)

He’ll trash talk after getting comfortable. It’s not a good thing, man, don’t feel the need to work up to it.

Is he a Chapstick spokesman or something, with his “softest lips in the world”?

Cheryl Burke is a tough cookie, so he’d better prepare himself.

But he WANTS her to insult him and say “You suck, do it again.”

The bottom part of her dress is not exactly a win.

I love how Bruno is already standing up to watch what they do.

The cha-cha is so much more fun than the waltz, so they are in luck already.

They look good! Very comfortable. I forgot this was the premiere instead of week three or four. That looked as good as some mid-season dances I’ve seen from some others.

Having said that, he needs to move more, not just spin her around.

Len Goodman: Chad, I take my hat off to you. You came out like a tiger. This dance needs attack, you came out and attacked it. You are a rough diamond right now. (Improve your posture.)

Bruno Tonioli: I can really see you have a huge, huge, huge talent. … You have natural ability for music. (He just has to be sharper.)

Carrie Ann Inaba: You’ve got a little somethin’ somethin’ going on there. … You have to hit it a little harder. (He needs to extend more, but he has something “primal” going on.)

Brooke Burke interviewed the couple in the “Celebriquarium.” Why does this exist?

1-800-VOTE-4-01

1-800-868-3401

******

2. Shannen Doherty & Mark Ballas, Viennese waltz (Scores: 6, 6, 6 = 18/30)

She’s doing this for her dad, who had a massive stroke. He loves the show and he asked her to do it and she can’t say no to her dad. Aww!

Mark Ballas wants to go from prince to king.

She’s “frozen in fear” about performing live. She gets hives.

Nice gloves, Mark. Very soft, subtle music.

She seems stiff and her face does look petrified. He’s smiling enough for both of them. They don’t have any chemistry, but I’m just glad she got through it OK. She made me nervous for her.

I hope her dad appreciated that!

Bruno: What a difficult piece of choreography for show one. … It didn’t flow, you were swinging your arms around like a primate. … But you will get better.

Carrie Ann: I’m really, really impressed because I know you have the nerves and the hives and to get out there and do such an ambitious routine. (She started out rough but as the routine progressed she opened up.) I see something. It’s coming.

Len: The key to the Viennese waltz is ease and elegance and I think you portrayed ease an elegance throughout.

In the Celebriquarium, Brooke talked to Shannen about her emotions. She was crying because the first face she saw was her father’s in the audience. Aww! She’s definitely not coming off as a diva.

1-800-VOTE-4-02

1-800-868-3402

******

3. Erin Andrews & Maksim Chmerkovskiy, cha-cha-cha (Scores: 7, 7, 7 = 21/30)

Maks got huge cheers from the audience. The girls are out for him!

Maks told Erin all the stars ask for him and then regret it. She told him she didn’t ask for him — she asked for Tony Dovolani! (I’d ask for The Teeth, too. He’s a diamond!)

I thought Erin and Maks did a helluva lot better than Evan and Anna, but they got a lower score. THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS!

Erin’s a perfectionist and she stops herself before she can make a mistake.

That ticks Maks off.

Maks: “It’s my only pleasure in life to bitch at people and you take it away!”

She has legs that go on forever. Too bad that weird yellow feathery skirt is hiding them.

Why are you playing a Ke$ha song? HATE.

At least she’s remembering to smile. She looks comfortable out there. Nice chemistry.

She should break the “6” score streak.

He’s making her do a lot, which is refreshing. I hate when the star just circles the pro.

She’s good!

Carrie Ann: Erin, what a nice surprise. … You have good movement. You have a nice connection. (She needs to work on her lines.) That was nice and sexy and good.

Len: Well, Erin, a funky monkey… Great hip movement. Full of rhythm. (She needs to work on her legs.)

Bruno: You are bringing zest and vitality to the competition. I like what I see. … As a debut, wonderful.

1-800-VOTE-4-03

1-800-868-3403

******

4. Jake Pavelka & Chelsie Hightower, Viennese waltz (Scores: 7, 6, 7 = 20/30)

Chelsie, will you accept this dip? And this dance move? Kidding.

It looks like one of the classic “Bachelor” dates when Chelsie meets Jake in front of a plane. He’s got a rose in his hand.

Chelsie told the camera Jake is going to get a lot of lady votes because he’s “hot.”

He asks if she’ll accept this rose. She says yes, but “you know we’re not going to get married in the end?”

Jake: “We’re not even dating.”

Well, phew! Glad we got that out of the way.

On the dance floor he has a rose in his hand again.

The music is very soft. Is there an audio issue?

That was pretty good.

Len: Jake, I thought you moved very well. … If you’re going to be in hold, you’ve got to get your posture up. Stop sticking your bum out. … Overall I thought you did a good job, you’ve got great potential.

Bruno: Don’t batter about all the time. It’s the waltz, come down. (What’s he going to do in the rumba, kill her? Eat her?) Keep your legs together. You look like you’re on a horse.

(But is he backwards on a horse, smelling like a lady?)

Carrie Ann: Jake, you know, I was really impressed. (She knows he can do romance well, but she didn’t expect it to work so well in the dance.) Your lines were gorgeous, you looked like you were having a genuinely good time. There’s a bravado in you that’s very easy to watch and easy on the eyes.

Bruno: It was rough.

Carrie Ann: It wasn’t rough. You wish he was rough, that’s what’s going on.

Tom Bergeron: OK, kids!

Carrie Ann: You do have to work a little bit on your posture, but overall excellent job.

1-800-VOTE-4-04

1-800-868-3404

Aww! Vienna and Gia. What is Gia looking at?

Brooke said after proposing on television dancing can’t be so bad. Jake told Brooke “Proposing to Vienna was the honor of my life.”

Aww! Camera flash to Vienna smiling.

******

5. Niecy Nash & Louis van Amstel, cha-cha-cha (Scores: 7, 5, 6 = 18/30)

She was always chubby and kicked out of a dance performance in fifth grade.

I love her on “Reno 911.”

Louis is a sweetheart. She’s lucky to get him. He put up with Kelly last season.

She’s not like most people, she said. “I like my jiggly parts.”

She doesn’t want to lose those jiggly parts.

Love her already.

She’s singing along with “Rescue Me.” She looks comfortable and happy, but she’s not exactly a talented dancer. Still, she’s fun to watch.

She has some “happy crying” on the dance floor.

Standing ovation. She must have tons of fans.

Bruno: This was like watching two personalities — at times I had Lola the sassy old mama and at time I had a born-again virgin. (She needs to focus her performance and find the sassy lady.)

Carrie Ann: How was that not sassy enough for you? Girlfriend, you were boogying, your booty was going. … I loved it. Good job.

Len: It was clean, it was clear, it was precise. For me the whole thing was a bit uneventful. You are a bubbly character, this was a flat cha-cha-cha.

Huge boos from the audience. The studio LOVES her.

1-800-VOTE-4-05

1-800-868-3405

She’s happy she had the bite of a hamburger before the dance, and that she remembered her routine.

She dedicated her routine to “thick girls everywhere.”

Thick-bodied, I think. Not thick-headed.

******

6. Evan Lysacek & Anna Trebunskaya, Viennese waltz (Scores: 8, 7, 8 = 23/30)

He does “suicide training” because it’s so hard.

He’s been called too technical with no dance ability.

She’s Russian and he’s glad she doesn’t hold it against him that he beat the Russian skater, Evgeni Plushenko. She said it was his own fault. (!)

She’s making him move out there, which is good.

I don’t know how many Viennese waltzes I can take, though. They are already getting old and we’re only six dances into the night.

He does have the posture and polish for ballroom, though. The true test of this kid will be when he tries to do a sexy Latin number.

Carrie Ann: (She wooed!) You are good. Those lines were just gorgeous. (He needs to watch his toes and point them and make a connection with the audience.)

Len: You have got great artistry, there’s lovely musicality about you. … You’ve got clumsy feet. … Get chemistry between the two of you. You’re used to dancing alone. You’re a couple now.

Bruno: You’ve got the wingspan of a 747. You’re moving with the grace of a swan. …You’re using the space beautifully.

1-800-VOTE-4-06

1-800-868-3406

I don’t think they deserve to be in the lead at this point.

******

7. Buzz Aldrin & Ashly DelGrosso-Costa, cha-cha-cha (Scores: 5, 4, 5 = 14/30)

Some guy on the international space station did a backflip for Buzz.

I love Buzz! What a trip if he won.

Buzz is a classic cute old man, but bless him he can't dance.

Yes, on July 20, 1969 he was one of the first men to walk on the moon.

Why isn’t Neil Armstrong competing against him? That’d be great.

Ashly hasn’t been around since season three.

Buzz thought she was a “really cute babe” and it would be a real treat to dance with her.

Ashly is concerned about him memorizing the steps.

Why did they give the oldest man a fast dance to start with? He should’ve been allowed to waltz.

He’s clearly out of it and slow to move. She’s doing all the work.

But he’s cuter than a button, bless him!

Tim Allen in the audience — Buzz from “Toy Story”!

Len: (Talks about how he watched Buzz walking on the moon. He commends Buzz for his bravery in coming out tonight.) But he can’t give marks for bravery, only dancing. he dance wasn’t too good tonight.

Bruno: It looked like you still had your moon boots on.

(Everyone wants to be nice to him.)

Carrie Ann: Was that a little moon walk I saw? My cute little moonwalker. (One of the great things about the show is it inspires people to dance.) You inspired a ton of people tonight.

1-800-VOTE-4-07

1-800-868-3407

Buzz told Brooke he wanted to inspire people about what they did in the past and he’s looking forward to the future.

The judges gave him only 14 out of 30? COMMUNISTS!

******

8. Nicole Scherzinger & Derek Hough, Viennese waltz (Scores: 9, 7, 9 = 25/30)

I really think they will go far in this. Both so freakin’ gorgeous.

She told the camera secretly she did kind of pray for Derek. (We all do.)

She’s not used to doing anything like the Viennese waltz.

She does have some dance ability, so cue all the Mya comments from last season.

Yep. Already I can tell they are going to be good and we’re going to hear the same “she has too much previous experience” comments.

Bruno: A performance of startling finesse. I am astounded. Incredible.

Carrie Ann: Apparently the bar has just been set for season 10. It was beautiful. It was emotional. … You had all the light and shade. … I haven’t seen a routine out of the gate like that ever.

Len: I understand these two going overboard on that routine because it’s very appealing. However if you look past the facade of the choreography there’s no footwork. … you lacked musicality … work on your technique.

(Bruno and Carrie Ann were dumbfounded.)

1-800-VOTE-4-08

1-800-868-3408

******

9. Aiden Turner & Edyta Śliwińska, cha-cha-cha (Scores: 5, 5, 5 = 15/30)

Rrrarrrr. I was not familiar with this guy. DWTS introduces me to some nice guys — Gilles and now Aiden. Love the accent.

And EDYTA! Love her! She’s my favorite.

Aiden!

He brought a gigantic bouquet. It’s a bit gaudy, actually.

She’s married, you know.

Edyta thinks he’s “so good looking” and he makes her laugh. Look sharp, Alec!

I love them, but Edyta needs to teach him how to dance, not just dance around him.

Carrie Ann: I liked the approach, I liked the gusto … It was really disjointed. It didn’t go anywhere for me. … There was no musicality. It didn’t flow.

Len: You’re English, so I can talk straight to you. There’s a dancer in there. But for me this routine was filled with everything I don’t like (jumping off stage, him standing there while she shakes about.) I was disappointed with it.

Bruno: A cha-cha-cha with nothing growing in the groin. … If you haven’t got that it wasn’t hot.

1-800-VOTE-4-09

1-800-868-3409

I feel bad for him, actually, because it does sound like the judges were mostly challenging her choreography.

******

10. Kate Gosselin & Tony Dovolani, Viennese waltz (Scores: 6, 5, 5 = 16/30)

She wants to prove her kids and everyone else wrong.

Kate rests on the strong shoulders of Tony "The Teeth" Dovolani. The guy Erin Andrews wanted.

Tony “The Teeth” Dovolani! LOVE!

She’s already getting stressed and frustrated.

Tony approached her to ask if she even wants to be there. She doesn’t seem to be having fun.

She insisted she wanted to be there and her excitement was hiding under her insecurity.

She’s doing it for all the moms out there. (Like Brooke Burke? And Pamela Anderson?)

Len: The first dance is like your first date. You don’t know what to expect. You want to impress and you’re nervous. And I think that was the stumbling block for you. You looked nervous. You didn’t dance with any fluidity.

Bruno: The technique was terrible. You have to learn to perform, assume a character. It looked like Tony was pushing a shopping cart around the floor. … You have to exude something. Assume a persona.

(Huge boos from audience.)

Bruno: I’m right! She has to learn.

Tom: Like you should exude tact.

Carrie Ann: You’re very different than a lot of our other people who’ve been on this show. Because you’re not a performer. You’re not an athlete. So all of this. Every single aspect of this is new to you. You’ve never trained for something like this … and I really am impressed. There was a sweet vulnerability to what you were doing and an honesty that sort of resonates with people. Yes, you have a long way to go, but next week, who knows?

Kate had a kind of ticked off look on her face through most of the judging. Maybe she was just focused.

1-800-VOTE-4-10

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Kate told Brooke she felt honored to be there and glad it was over and glad that her kids could rest easy now.

******

11. Pamela Anderson & Damian Whitewood, cha-cha-cha (Scores: 7, 6, 8 = 21/30)

She is the Internet’s most downloaded star?

Pamela Anderson is a hot mama indeed.

He is the new pro.

He said once we see him transform a dancer we’ll call him “The Wizard of Oz.” So I take it that’s an Aussie accent.

She’s working the sexpot angle. She looks like a porn star who just got out of bed, shaking it in some kind of ’80s rock video.

That’s not necessarily a bad thing.

He made her move, so I’ll give him credit. I’m interested to see more from him, as the new guy on the block.

Bruno: I can only think of sex, sex and more sex. The dirtier the better. Stripperella is back home. Do it to me, girl!

Tom: Is that good or bad…?

Bruno: I can’t wait for next week for some more.

Carrie Ann: I’ve been waiting the most to see you .. and you did not disappoint. … You were having fun and were fully engaged. … That was a little much.

Tom: I feel about 12 right now.

Carrie Ann: Didn’t it make you giddy?

Tom swoons next to Pam. She pats him. Ha!

Len: This cast of celebrities have been brilliant. I thought the start was great, you did all that solo work … overall it was a mess. You went wrong a lot.

Bruno: But the sex was good!

1-800-VOTE-4-11

1-800-868-3411

Jake and Chelsie practice their romantic Viennese waltz...as real dancer Tenley Molzahn quietly seethes with jealousy. You know Vienna Girardi is probably already flirting with whoever sits next to her in the ABC studio.

By Gina Carbone
gina_carbone@comcast.net

“Dancing with the Stars” isn’t exactly “So You Think You Can Dance” — think way more sequins and way less talent.

(Think zero talent and you won’t leave disappointed.)

But any show that gives an extra 15 minutes to Crazy Cloris Leachman and introduces Gilles Marini’s chest to prime time gets a spot on Gina’s Must Watch list.

And that’s even before the arrival of Jake Pavelka of “The Bachelor” and his No. 1 blonde squeeze Chelsie Hightower Tanya Douglas Vienna Girardi.

(Jake tweeted earlier today that Gia Allemand will be in the audience tonight with Vienna.)

Tonight, Jake and Chelsie will supposedly dance a Viennese waltz to Seal’s “Kiss from a Rose.”

The Viennese waltz is a snore, but five of the pairs will be doing it, for some reason, on opening night. (Seriously, five waltzes on opening night? You want us to WATCH the show, right?)

Maybe Nicole will actually be too stiff for DWTS. Loosen up her buttons, Derek!

Six others will actually do something interesting: The cha-cha-cha.

No idea how Sexy Nicole Scherzinger and even Sexier Derek Hough got stuck with ballroom instead of Latin, but I’m sure there is a grand design … that misses the point of getting people hooked early on in the season.

Please consider the train wreck potential of tonight’s liiiiiiive! broadcast of DWTS season 10, from 8 to 10 p.m. on ABC.

Yes, in “The Bachelor” timeslot. I know you’ve kept it open.

And then return here around 10:30 p.m. ET or thereafter to read my thoughts on the show.

Unfortunately no one will be eliminated this week, so we’ll just have to suffer through enjoy the process and wait for next week to take a moment and say our goodbyes to one of these 11 “stars” and their more attractive pro partners:

* BUZZ ALDRIN, legendary astronaut, partners up with ASHLY COSTA (formerly DelGrosso), who returns for her fourth season.

* PAMELA ANDERSON, actress and model, joins professional dancer DAMIAN WHITEWOOD, who makes his “Dancing with the Stars” debut this season.

* ERIN ANDREWS, ESPN host, teams with MAKSIM CHMERKOVSKIY, who returns for his eighth season.

* SHANNEN DOHERTY, actress, teams up with two-time “Dancing with the Stars” champ MARK BALLAS, who returns for his sixth season.

* KATE GOSSELIN, TLC star, teams with TONY DOVOLANI, who returns for his ninth season.

* EVAN LYSACEK, Olympic figure skating champion, teams with ANNA TREBUNSKAYA, who returns for her fifth season.

* NIECY NASH, comedienne and host, teams up with LOUIS VAN AMSTEL, who returns for his sixth season

* CHAD OCHOCINCO, NFL Star, teams up with two-time champion CHERYL BURKE, who returns for her ninth season.

* JAKE PAVELKA, “The Bachelor” star, joins CHELSIE HIGHTOWER, who returns for her third season.

* NICOLE SCHERZINGER, pop star, teams with Season 7 champ DEREK HOUGH, who returns for his sixth season.

* AIDEN TURNER, soap star, teams with EDYTA SLIWINSKA, who is the only pro to compete in all 10 seasons of “Dancing with the Stars.”

My money is still on The Hottie Hough and his Pussycat to win.

More notes from the original ABC press release:

In week two, all of the couples will return and try to outshine each other once again in a two-hour show, MONDAY, MARCH 29 (8:00-10:00 p.m., ET). The couple with the lowest combined judges’ scores and public votes for both performances will be sent home on TUESDAY, MARCH 30 (8:00-9:00 p.m., ET) in the season premiere of “Dancing with the Stars the Results Show.”

Viewers may cast their votes for their favorite teams via phone on Monday night during and up to 30 minutes after the “Dancing with the Stars” performance shows. AT&T customers may also text message their votes by texting the word “VOTE” and entering the number that corresponds to the team they want to support (message and data rates may apply). Viewers may also vote online at http://www.abc.com starting from the opening of each episode on the East Coast and until 12:00 Noon, ET the following day.

Read my pre-season interview with host Tom Bergeron here.

He was a DJ in Portsmouth, N.H., and he’s still good about supporting local stuff. But I think he’s jealous that his new co-host, Brooke Burke, is kicking his ass on Twitter followers.

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